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What Will Make You Not To Buy My Product?

by helper
23 replies
Hello fellow copywriters. I was here few weeks ago and you all reviewed my site and advised me to format it and give it a new look. I have done that and i think it is better than before.

Pls i want you to look at the squeeze page and the confirmation page with a customer's eye and also as a copywriter.
1. Is the squeeze page enticing for anyone to drop his email (I understand the voice in the video is too low but i will change it later)
2. Is the confirmation page, which is the sales page alright?
3. What will make anybody not want to buy and what should i do?
This is the squeeze page and the confirmation page

Thanks for your reviews!
#buy #make #product
  • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
    Before I give you feedback, I need you to answer a couple questions:

    Where is your traffic coming from?
    Who are your prospects?
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    • Profile picture of the author helper
      Originally Posted by Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter View Post

      Before I give you feedback, I need you to answer a couple questions:

      Where is your traffic coming from?
      Who are your prospects?

      Its a new site and i am targetting all facebook users and mostly those interested to make money online.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
        Originally Posted by helper View Post

        Its a new site and i am targetting all facebook users and mostly those interested to make money online.
        If you are getting your traffic from facebook there are a number of problems with these pages.

        First, they need a much more social media "feel." The immediate impression people will get here will turn them away from your product rather than toward it.

        Second, your sales message needs to be broken up in such a way that it does not read like a long-form sales letter. Big graphic elements to highlight major points along with pop-out "helps" when a person scrolls over an element will make it much more likely to appeal.

        On the squeeze page I would use the same graphic representations noted above, but I would also use a two column layout with the email blank on the right and the incentive on the left.

        I would probably label the inputs on the email form "Your Facebook Name" and "Your Facebook Email" to tie this offer more closely with Facebook in the mind of the visitor.

        The copy for the sign up page needs to be much like the sign up pages for facebook's internal games. It needs to feel to your user like this is an extension of Facebook, not independent of FB. In fact, if advertised on FB using their ad program it might do well (it might also get declined--read their TOS)

        I know the above is a lot to digest and put to work. It will likely require hiring a designer and I would also recommend a copywriter. But doing both will certainly reap high rewards.
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        • Profile picture of the author helper
          Originally Posted by Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter View Post

          If you are getting your traffic from facebook there are a number of problems with these pages.

          First, they need a much more social media "feel." The immediate impression people will get here will turn them away from your product rather than toward it.

          Second, your sales message needs to be broken up in such a way that it does not read like a long-form sales letter. Big graphic elements to highlight major points along with pop-out "helps" when a person scrolls over an element will make it much more likely to appeal.

          On the squeeze page I would use the same graphic representations noted above, but I would also use a two column layout with the email blank on the right and the incentive on the left.

          I would probably label the inputs on the email form "Your Facebook Name" and "Your Facebook Email" to tie this offer more closely with Facebook in the mind of the visitor.

          The copy for the sign up page needs to be much like the sign up pages for facebook's internal games. It needs to feel to your user like this is an extension of Facebook, not independent of FB. In fact, if advertised on FB using their ad program it might do well (it might also get declined--read their TOS)

          I know the above is a lot to digest and put to work. It will likely require hiring a designer and I would also recommend a copywriter. But doing both will certainly reap high rewards.
          You have forgotten that if i use "Your Facebook Name" as you suggested, some may be skeptical to enter it. (A lot of phishing sites collect private information to access people account)

          The sales page was written by a copywriter and the site in general looks better than her competitors. The sales page, like i said is not just facebook users alone who have never done internet marketing. It is for internet marketers alike and am sure the design of the site is just like every other money making opportunity site on clickbank (though, the site is not on clickbank).
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I didn't watch your video. I almost never watch videos online except for stuff I seek on Youtube. There's absolutely NO offer I need so bad as to watch a video. If there's no print describing the offer, I'm gone. There's just too much info out there and I feel I have the option to pick and choose. I realize that people like me are rare but we're still out there.

    As for your actual sales page, I don't think it's very good. The sub header is way too long. You've got awkward wording throughout. It's unappealing to me. For example,

    "...Doing the usual thing you've been doing - Socializing?"

    There are at least a dozen better ways of saying what you're trying to say. People lose insterst when something doesn't flow. You're making it hard for your readers. They won't stay around.

    If that's not bad enough, you go on to compare apples to oranges with this:

    "Facebook has been predicted to be worth more than $50 billion in few years time as it's getting more popular than google (the biggest search engines) and other popular web 2.0 sites.

    Have you ever asked yourself how this money is being generated and how you can be part of it?"

    How much the site is worth has absolutely nothing to do with how much a marketer can make by selling to the members. Right after the 'Have you ever' question you say:

    That's why it's time for a change! And a BIG change at that...

    What does that have to do with anything? If it was your objective to confuse people, congratulations! You're doing great.

    Seriously, this page is a mess. I think the best thing you could do is to hire a good copywriter. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jason Clay
      For the squeeze page...the logo needs work. Are you anti-aliasing the text? Also, the image on the right could be more relevant to the theme.
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      • Profile picture of the author jjreview
        Originally Posted by Tiamat View Post

        For the squeeze page...the logo needs work. Are you anti-aliasing the text? Also, the image on the right could be more relevant to the theme.
        I agree. The graphics aren't good. The background from the video should be a solid color that allows me to read the text. There's too much going on to read it now.

        I also agree with the guy about the video. I NEVER click on videos unless I go look for them. Six minutes of my time is a LOT to ask for online. Put more copy into the text regarding what the video is about, and the opening frame of the video should be legible (as I already said).

        Plus, I have to say, don't take it personally if someone is "harsh." Actually be grateful, because you don't want dishonesty. You asked, they answered. It's not the end of you, but the beginning of a better you.

        If you hadn't asked, people would be clicking on your link and closing your page and moving on at the speed of clicking ... and you'd never know why!
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    • Profile picture of the author helper
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      I didn't watch your video. I almost never watch videos online except for stuff I seek on Youtube. There's absolutely NO offer I need so bad as to watch a video. If there's no print describing the offer, I'm gone. There's just too much info out there and I feel I have the option to pick and choose. I realize that people like me are rare but we're still out there.

      As for your actual sales page, I don't think it's very good. The sub header is way too long. You've got awkward wording throughout. It's unappealing to me. For example,

      "...Doing the usual thing you've been doing - Socializing?"

      There are at least a dozen better ways of saying what you're trying to say. People lose insterst when something doesn't flow. You're making it hard for your readers. They won't stay around.

      If that's not bad enough, you go on to compare apples to oranges with this:

      "Facebook has been predicted to be worth more than $50 billion in few years time as it's getting more popular than google (the biggest search engines) and other popular web 2.0 sites.

      Have you ever asked yourself how this money is being generated and how you can be part of it?"

      How much the site is worth has absolutely nothing to do with how much a marketer can make by selling to the members. Right after the 'Have you ever' question you say:

      That's why it's time for a change! And a BIG change at that...

      What does that have to do with anything? If it was your objective to confuse people, congratulations! You're doing great.

      Seriously, this page is a mess. I think the best thing you could do is to hire a good copywriter. Good luck.
      Thanks for the correction, i will change it right away. But can you possible provide the corrections for me?
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  • Profile picture of the author BobJutsu
    Hire a designer immediately...
    Hire a copywriter immediately...

    I can't comment on the copy, because I was too appalled by everything else to actually read it. Dude, really, the graphic in the header looks like my 2 year old cut it out of an old magazine with a pair of safety scissors, and pasted it to a piece of blue paper. It looks cheap...period.

    I, nor anybody else here, is trying to be rude (you asked for criticism, remember) but you need to know where your skills are, and where they are not. Do yourself a favour and hire out a real designer and writer so you stand a chance of actually making money.
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    • Profile picture of the author helper
      Originally Posted by BobJutsu View Post

      Hire a designer immediately...
      Hire a copywriter immediately...

      I can't comment on the copy, because I was too appalled by everything else to actually read it. Dude, really, the graphic in the header looks like my 2 year old cut it out of an old magazine with a pair of safety scissors, and pasted it to a piece of blue paper. It looks cheap...period.

      I, nor anybody else here, is trying to be rude (you asked for criticism, remember) but you need to know where your skills are, and where they are not. Do yourself a favour and hire out a real designer and writer so you stand a chance of actually making money.
      I will definitely do something about the graphic right away.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    The design is a lot better. On Firefox there's a lot of empty space around the video. Otherwise, there's nothing distracting like your earlier version. It looks much more professional.

    It's not clear if the computer is handing out money to the guy, or taking it from him!

    If you want the US/UK market, you still need a proofreader.
    Formal college student means he wears a tuxedo. Former college student means he used to go to school there. There are many other little gotchas like this.
    The wall of text isn't an appealing video. Read the script, but put only a few pictures and key words up on the screen. (Watch any Steve Jobs presentation to see how it's done.)
    The video needs to end with "put your name in right here for some of my free tips and information about how to learn my whole system." It's silly that the video on your site ends with a request that people visit your site.

    Don't link to the forum from your squeeze page. It's called a "squeeze" page because the only choices are: sign up, or leave. Same thing with the sales page: buy, or leave.

    The sales page has some improvements but still needs detailed help from a proofreader.

    You're getting better at this. Remember to thank people for their suggestions and help, even if you choose to not use all their advice.

    Chris
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    • Profile picture of the author helper
      Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic View Post

      The design is a lot better. On Firefox there's a lot of empty space around the video. Otherwise, there's nothing distracting like your earlier version. It looks much more professional.

      It's not clear if the computer is handing out money to the guy, or taking it from him!

      If you want the US/UK market, you still need a proofreader.
      Formal college student means he wears a tuxedo. Former college student means he used to go to school there. There are many other little gotchas like this.
      The wall of text isn't an appealing video. Read the script, but put only a few pictures and key words up on the screen. (Watch any Steve Jobs presentation to see how it's done.)
      The video needs to end with "put your name in right here for some of my free tips and information about how to learn my whole system." It's silly that the video on your site ends with a request that people visit your site.

      Don't link to the forum from your squeeze page. It's called a "squeeze" page because the only choices are: sign up, or leave. Same thing with the sales page: buy, or leave.

      The sales page has some improvements but still needs detailed help from a proofreader.

      You're getting better at this. Remember to thank people for their suggestions and help, even if you choose to not use all their advice.

      Chris
      Thank you for your observation Chris. You were one of those who really contributed to the improvement of the site.
      Talking about the video, I've already contacted an American for a video review of the book and when it's ready, i will change the video.

      Proofreading? Well, i think you are the right person to help me out on this as well.

      THANKS TO YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR THE COMMENTS
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  • Profile picture of the author Nicholas Kemp
    Use your own video player, not Youtube.
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Harvey
    Your squeeze page has a lot of empty space before you get to the part where it asks for your email address etc. But that is in IE. Not sure about Firefox as I will see when I get home.
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    "Find the problem and provide the solution."
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  • Profile picture of the author Moolah_Copywriting
    I wouldn't buy because too many other products are competing with you to solve the same problem..."I Need More Money". You are competing in a super-saturated market. The answer is probably a different market...
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