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Tell me everything you think.

by bndr
12 replies
Hey Everyone!

I would like a Sales Page Critique.

I hired someone to write this Sales Letter and I want to know what you guys think.

To me it seems fine,but i'm not much of a Sales Letter Expert.

Tell me everything you think about it please.And I shall change everything that needs changing.




P.S English is not my first language so forgive me for my grammar mistakes.


Thank you very much for your responses.
  • Profile picture of the author Jason Clay
    The first thing that came to mind is that even with my high speed cable internet connection, the page loaded very slowly. Are you using freebie hosting?
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    Click Here Now For All Of Your Internet Marketing Needs!
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  • Profile picture of the author zenmarketing
    It's not loading for me.
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  • Profile picture of the author bndr
    Hm.. Strange, I host several sites there, I have no problems with speed.
    It's a Paid Hosting.

    Update: Just checked through http://host-tracker.com. Everything works fine.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
      It loaded fine for me.

      The first thing I notice is that the phrase "because this easy to read book", are moms particularly worried about things being easy to read? Maybe, I dont know, but I would venture to guess you could put a much more powerful benefit in there.

      And leading with "because" in your subheadline has a real strange look to it, especially with the - right before it, it just doesnt look right.

      The image is too big, you might try making it a bit smaller and moving some of the copy up a bit, or just removing it altogether.


      I would put the "mummy tummy" in your headline. Or something to that effect, i think it drives home the fact that they are dealing with a body after pregnancy, "tummy" alone could be speaking to anyone. Also, Reclaim seems strange to me as well, what about "slip back into your favorite jeans".

      Also, it seems you are using a pen name, but why did you choose the name "devil"!! Doesnt seem like a name new mums would trust! And I agree with Andrew, speak to them in the voice of a women.

      I am a guy and I would trust a woman much more than a man when it comes to anything to do with pregnancy or babies.
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      • Profile picture of the author bndr
        Originally Posted by AshleyAA View Post

        It loaded fine for me.

        The first thing I notice is that the phrase "because this easy to read book", are moms particularly worried about things being easy to read? Maybe, I dont know, but I would venture to guess you could put a much more powerful benefit in there.

        And leading with "because" in your subheadline has a real strange look to it, especially with the - right before it, it just doesnt look right.

        The image is too big, you might try making it a bit smaller and moving some of the copy up a bit, or just removing it altogether.


        I would put the "mummy tummy" in your headline. Or something to that effect, i think it drives home the fact that they are dealing with a body after pregnancy, "tummy" alone could be speaking to anyone. Also, Reclaim seems strange to me as well, what about "slip back into your favorite jeans".

        Also, it seems you are using a pen name, but why did you choose the name "devil"!! Doesnt seem like a name new mums would trust! And I agree with Andrew, speak to them in the voice of a women.

        I am a guy and I would trust a woman much more than a man when it comes to anything to do with pregnancy or babies.
        That Pen Name I used for years now. But considering you all are telling me to speak to them in the voice of a women, I should change that.

        You gave some good advice. Thank you!
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        • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
          Originally Posted by bndr View Post

          That Pen Name I used for years now. But considering you all are telling me to speak to them in the voice of a women, I should change that.

          You gave some good advice. Thank you!
          Yeah I admit it is a pretty cool pen name! But for the pregnancy niche it seems a little out of place.

          Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Your deck copy reveals you're trying to sell something, this'll turn a lot of people off right away.

    Get rid of the huge picture above the fold.

    This seems to be universal advice I'm giving to the DIY sales pages so here goes again: Who are you? Why should I buy from you? Why are you offering this?

    Is there any proof that this works? Or that you know what you're talking about?

    You're writing it as man, I think you'll have a lot more success writing as a woman. It'll be easier to create empathy and let you get an 'I've been there' story into it.

    Hope this helps.
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    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author bndr
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Your deck copy reveals you're trying to sell something, this'll turn a lot of people off right away.

      Get rid of the huge picture above the fold.

      This seems to be universal advice I'm giving to the DIY sales pages so here goes again: Who are you? Why should I buy from you? Why are you offering this?

      Is there any proof that this works? Or that you know what you're talking about?

      You're writing it as man, I think you'll have a lot more success writing as a woman. It'll be easier to create empathy and let you get an 'I've been there' story into it.

      Hope this helps.
      Thanks very much for the advice! I appreciate it!

      I think I'll throw away that huge picture, and think something up about the women thing.
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      • Profile picture of the author Richard B Riddick
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        • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
          Originally Posted by Richard B Riddick View Post

          Write as a mildly attractive woman.

          Nothing makes women buy less than an attractive woman.
          not true. Studies have shown that men and women alike respond to attractive women. Sure maybe a 10/10 supermodel might intimidate other women a bit.

          But also how do you write as a mildly attractive woman? As opposed to an extremely attractive woman? Unless a picture comes into play I doubt anyone will pick up on such subtle differences.
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  • Profile picture of the author Richard B Riddick
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    • Profile picture of the author prettyboy
      Sorry to tell you this, but your writer has missed several elements in a proper sales letter. It's too short and doesn't hit on a lot of the major points that prospects in this niche are concerned with.

      ..Also when it comes to the buy area on your site, which is always sticky, you make the buyer feel bad by showing what others got the book for. Now don't you think even if they were interested in buying the book, they would want to get it for the low price that others got it for?

      Remember, for the most part, those going to your site will know virtually nothing about you. I know what you were "attempting" to do, but this usually only works with people who are already on your list, you have a good relationship with them, they know that you provide solid products and information...so when you do offer them something else, they would be enticed to get early before the price goes up.

      But the way you have it...these people are going to your site cold and all they see is the price used to be $17, but they have to pay $37...they will view it as a punishment and I guarantee you'll miss out on a lot of sales.
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      • Profile picture of the author bndr
        Originally Posted by prettyboy View Post

        Sorry to tell you this, but your writer has missed several elements in a proper sales letter. It's too short and doesn't hit on a lot of the major points that prospects in this niche are concerned with.

        ..Also when it comes to the buy area on your site, which is always sticky, you make the buyer feel bad by showing what others got the book for. Now don't you think even if they were interested in buying the book, they would want to get it for the low price that others got it for?

        Remember, for the most part, those going to your site will know virtually nothing about you. I know what you were "attempting" to do, but this usually only works with people who are already on your list, you have a good relationship with them, they know that you provide solid products and information...so when you do offer them something else, they would be enticed to get early before the price goes up.

        But the way you have it...these people are going to your site cold and all they see is the price used to be $17, but they have to pay $37...they will view it as a punishment and I guarantee you'll miss out on a lot of sales.
        Thanks!

        I shall consider the points about the buy area, and also about the major points that the prospects are concerned with!
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  • Profile picture of the author bndr
    Hey Everyone!

    Anyone willing to edit my sales letter for better conversion for 100$? (That's all I have left in my Paypal account)

    PM ME if interested.
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