Hows my copy--Be honest!

26 replies
Hey everyone,

I'd like to hear what you have to say about my copy.

Keep in mind this isn't necessarily a 'landing page'. We have a strong WOM foundation being built as we speak.

I have a bit more organizing (such as breaking a few more subsections into bullet points,) to do, but so far I'm fairly please with the copy.

Any honest opinions are greatly appreciated!

Thanks.

Accelerate Natural Energy - Natural energy supplement for athletes and students.
#copybe #honest #hows
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline is weak: Discover the benefits Accelerate Natural Energy Supplement risk-free for 30 days

    You might want to stick the word 'of' after benefits.

    There's not nearly enough information on the page. What's the stuff made from? If you listed the ingredients you could write informative blurbs about the individual benefits of each.

    You also might find out what people who buy this type of product are looking for (translated as understanding your market) and write to them specifically. Maybe they're run down and need a boost. Fill the page with realistic benefits.

    How many tablet are in a bottle? How many tablets per day do the job? You might consider revealing the daily cost of taking this stuff and show how inexpensive it is to feel so good for such a small daily investment. You could use more testimonials. You've got a long way to go here. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    Are you always feeling tired and listless?

    Now...Give yourself the energy and vitality of 'Speed'...

    With Accelerate ... the natural supplement that energizes your body and mind... without the side effects
    Something along those lines, maybe.

    That took me all of three minutes, so you need to work on it to make it better.
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    • Profile picture of the author lslars31
      Awesome. Thanks.

      BTW, check out the Nutrition page... Aparently, it would be wise to merge both the 'nutrition' and 'home' pages.

      Totally agree about the headline. Actually, the Headline is "wake up!". The guarantee is the subhead. That said, the Headline definitely needs some work if you can't distinguish it from the subhead.

      Funny thing is, I have the ingredient benefits list on layaway. I'll get to editing them and getting them up on the site. Glad someone mentioned it!

      As far as the target market is concerned, I'm pretty happy with how the copy appeals to them. I've access to simmons and other databases that have helped me along the way. Maybe i should just clear things up a bit. --They definitely are in need of a boost.

      The tablets/servings are on the label. I'm currently in the process of coding a comparison grid to energy shots and drinks. This will highlight the benefits in an easy-to-read way. From my understanding, the comparative strategy is the best for emerging companies. I'll add pricing info, servings, and all other cost related information to the list.

      Again, thanks so much!
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      • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
        Originally Posted by lslars31 View Post

        As far as the target market is concerned, I'm pretty happy with how the copy appeals to them.
        Not to be a smartass here, but the copy as it stands has very little appeal to anyone. It needs to be developed. I guess I didn't make that very plain in my post. Sorry. :rolleyes:
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        • Profile picture of the author lslars31
          Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

          Not to be a smartass here, but the copy as it stands has very little appeal to anyone. It needs to be developed. I guess I didn't make that very plain in my post. Sorry. :rolleyes:
          When I started this I had zero marketing education. It's been about a 2 year process and I have since been formally educated (still working at it!). I was trying to keep things broad thinking that it would help sales volume. Of course, that is a terrible idea. Now I need to go back and put together all of the pieces that I had going for me.

          I guess I was kind of talking out of my A**.

          I have a lot of great research. I just need to tailor what i have to the target audience a bit..

          Sometimes I need that harsh advice.. Much appreciated
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    • Profile picture of the author sarah-anne
      Originally Posted by Rezbi View Post

      Something along those lines, maybe.

      That took me all of three minutes, so you need to work on it to make it better.
      great idea, you're one of the best awarded writer I guess.
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      • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
        Originally Posted by sarah-anne View Post

        great idea, you're one of the best awarded writer I guess.
        Is that a dig?

        What an insult.

        I'll have you know I've never won a copywriting award in my life.
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  • Profile picture of the author Arthur Mc Culloch
    Hi!

    "Wake Up!" is too aggressive/recriminating. Think of a headline more descriptive of the product, maybe punning "accelerate", such as "Speed Up", "Get Up to Speed", "Get Going!" or even "Accelerate your Performance". The tagline is incorrect - it should probably read "Discover the benefits of ANES risk-free (comma) for 30 days.

    Bodytext: Why would i have the doubt that i need not compromise my healthy lifestyle with the product? Either delete this sentence completely, or write an affirmative sentence, starting with the product name.

    "...end of story".
    You have'nt written me a story. If you feel you have to underscore the bodytext's message, write "period", or just delete it.

    What's in this product? its ingredients?
    Just written this and realised there's a nutrition page. Get the poignant details of the product contents on the cover page! Its a natural product. Explain this briefly on the cover.

    Re-read the text. There are many grammatical mistakes.

    What throws me a bit with the site is the Buy Now, Price and credit cards - all on the front page. If this must be on the front page, put it at the bottom. But where it is right now gives the impression that the entire site comprises only one page.

    Last of all - show me pics of the pills. And make the plastic bottle larger.

    have fun!
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Too general. You need specifics.

    Your copy is stronger on your "nutrition" page but nowhere
    near where I would want it to be if I were to write this.

    Anyway - supplements is a competitive thing. There's an art
    to writing for these things. Carline Aglade-Cole is one of
    the best. Her magalogs cost $20k each. Clayton Makepeace
    writes ripping supplement copy too. If you need to see how
    it's done you can purchase swipes from each of them. Be
    warned, you may be dismayed at how complex the process is.

    If you haven't read Tim Ferris's book you should.

    Selling this sort of thing is not about building a better mousetrap -
    it's about building a more frightening mouse. It's not about the
    product or what you claim it does, it's about identifying the
    problem and blowing it up to huge proportions in the prospect's
    mind. The you offer the solution and it's a convenient little
    pill. Cha-Ching!
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    • Profile picture of the author Aj Wilson
      Headline!
      Sub-Headline!

      Work on it, grab them by the throat,
      and push them further down the page...

      Through your slippery (yet "sticky") sales funnel
      of web copy... then drop them into the bottomless pit of inspired ACTION!

      Also,most people are too lazy to "Discover The Benefits..."...

      Instead you have to Punch Them Off The Page >>
      • Bang
      • BANG
      • BANG!!

      A Maroon Headline would do wonders on that landing page,
      I use Maroon and Navy Blue...

      It's easier on the eyes, yet jumps off the page.

      - aj
      Signature
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      • Profile picture of the author lslars31
        Originally Posted by Aj Wilson View Post

        Headline!
        Sub-Headline!

        Work on it, grab them by the throat,
        and push them further down the page...

        Through your slippery (yet "sticky") sales funnel
        of web copy... then drop them into the bottomless pit of inspired ACTION!

        Also,most people are too lazy to "Discover The Benefits..."...

        Instead you have to Punch Them Off The Page >>
        • Bang
        • BANG
        • BANG!!

        A Maroon Headline would do wonders on that landing page,
        I use Maroon and Navy Blue...

        It's easier on the eyes, yet jumps off the page.

        - aj
        Thanks,

        I was thinking a shade of red for the headline. My brother is the designer. I'll let him know.

        I actually just changed the headline today. Frankly, I think my older one was a bit stronger. I'm going to switch it back at some point tonight or early tomorrow.
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      • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
        Originally Posted by Aj Wilson View Post

        Headline!
        Sub-Headline!

        Work on it, grab them by the throat,
        and push them further down the page...

        Through your slippery (yet "sticky") sales funnel
        of web copy... then drop them into the bottomless pit of inspired ACTION!

        Also,most people are too lazy to "Discover The Benefits..."...

        Instead you have to Punch Them Off The Page >>
        • Bang
        • BANG
        • BANG!!

        A Maroon Headline would do wonders on that landing page,
        I use Maroon and Navy Blue...

        It's easier on the eyes, yet jumps off the page.

        - aj
        Got enough banging there?
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1928659].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author lslars31
      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      Too general. You need specifics.

      Your copy is stronger on your "nutrition" page but nowhere
      near where I would want it to be if I were to write this.

      Anyway - supplements is a competitive thing. There's an art
      to writing for these things. Carline Aglade-Cole is one of
      the best. Her magalogs cost $20k each. Clayton Makepeace
      writes ripping supplement copy too. If you need to see how
      it's done you can purchase swipes from each of them. Be
      warned, you may be dismayed at how complex the process is.

      If you haven't read Tim Ferris's book you should.

      Selling this sort of thing is not about building a better mousetrap -
      it's about building a more frightening mouse. It's not about the
      product or what you claim it does, it's about identifying the
      problem and blowing it up to huge proportions in the prospect's
      mind. The you offer the solution and it's a convenient little
      pill. Cha-Ching!
      Unfortunately I'm on a college student's budget right now...So hiring a copywriter is out of the question.

      I have a few ideas in mind. 2 of which I plan on designing and coding by the end of the week. Again, a product comparison will be the overarching theme. I'll probably implement a bit of fear/anxiety as well. Play on the fact that energy drinks/shots all have some sort of preservative, artificial sweetener, etc. that can cause some bad side effects. Of course, Accelerate doesn't have them..

      When you say specifics what exactly do you mean? I know it sounds elementary. I don't have the money to run scientific tests at this time. Again, I am adding more information. I'm gathering info from medical journals and scholarly articles as I write this. I'm hoping to have some added and cited within the next few days.

      I know that I won't be able to perfect it on my own, but I certainly think I have what it takes to get it to convert. Once i start making some revenue I'll reinvest in better copy.

      I've read Tim's Book. It was a good one. It's actually within arms reach of me right now.

      A side note: I think the BQ brand went to hell after Tim sold it.
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      • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
        #1 Most readers don't want to "Discover the benefits"... They should know every benefit just from reading your copy if you do your job.


        #2 What is an energized body and mind going to do for me? I 34 and have never got out of bed and went "I'm really hoping for an energized body and mind"

        Have you researched all of your competitors, found out what they are doing in the realm of copy?

        Who is your prospect? Where do they go in the morning, what problem do they have that you're fixing?

        What route are they taking to get to your page?

        I would scrap the entire thing except for perhaps the bottle and the header.

        I'd rather have you hate me and fix your copy then beat around the bush and watch you lose your behind.
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  • Profile picture of the author TheKeys
    I feel like I can find this information anywhere... Why should we choose your company to buy this from?
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  • Profile picture of the author Sandy Hands
    Your presentation is "neat"
    The website is "neat"
    The images are "good"
    The location of headings, menu bar and main image is "confusing"
    The message to a buyer is NOT convincing.
    You have not sold me on the benefits (not because the information is missing, but because you have not connected with me strongly enough).
    The money is in the top left corner. Why waste it with "Wake Up" and a heading that needs concentration to understand? Reads like a documentary and not a call to action.

    You have not addressed my problems, you've simply tried to sell me information in no particular order or style. There is no "personal" attention . I don't feel compelled to reach out and really "want" your product over anything else.

    You are making some good statements but they are lost in the paragraph structure.

    People don't have a minute to read through your offer. They want to immediately feel connected to what you have to sell and then be convinced that you are the only solution available "RIGHT NOW" worth considering.

    I accept that what I am writing is only a personal view and of course there are as many opinions about how to write as their are people on the planet. So, I won't try and explain my reasoning, other than by stating it is simply one version of many thousands that could be presented to you.

    The most significant piece of feedback I can offer is that you need to decide what presentation format you want to use and then stick to it.

    If you want to go the sales letter approach and appeal to buyers, then that is totally different to a "catalogue" of information site. There are similarities of course, and each should have a call to action. The issue with your site is that it is half and half. It is a catalogue site with one product.

    Personally I feel it is probably better suited to a Sales Letter type landing page with no distractions other than the pertinent information that enables you to immediately connect with your potential buyer.

    You have some great information on the site, structure it as a free downloadable report/white paper on nutrition and grab people's email address for a sell later. If you don't get a sale on the first visit, you may at least get their email address for a follow up offer later (i.e. get a two month FREE trial if you respond in the next 30 minutes - or whatever- to this email).

    I would hide the navigation from the front page or at least move it from the top, where it is a distraction to your main sales message. Put it at the bottom of the page (anyone looking seriously will find it down there - make them read your compelling sales pitch first).

    Stick to one point and then offer other information. Do a video presentation and stick it right at the top explaining WHY you are the most compelling 100% Natural Energy Supplement going. Give it a push and sell the product. Odds are most people won't return to the site. Don't be afraid to put your best foot forward.

    Finally, test, test and test some more. Do variations of the front page (i.e. video, no video, heading change, content change, color change). Split test the front like your business depended on the knowledge for survival. Don't guess what works - who knows we could all be wrong. TEST IT!

    Ok, you caught me at an odd time and your post struck and accord with a few things I was working on. Hence this post is both far too long and written very quickly. The ideas and comments are simply spontaneous views. There are typos and grammatical mistakes galore (I'm not interested in making this a perfect post, simply giving you some immediate, and hopefully to a small degree useful, information).

    All the best with your endeavors. Action will always be infinitely more successful than inaction and remember there were very few statues erected to honor critics. Do it your way and do it well.

    ----//---
    The below is a quick 20 minute re-write of your front page. It's not perfect by any stretch, it is simply given to spark your own mind into action on other ways to approach the site (always look through the eyes of the buyer - no one else is important - what are they searching for and what problem do they want solved). Forget the accuracy of what is written, I was not trying to rewrite facts.

    Capital letters should be substituted for bold an simply represent that well placed highlighted text works. Personally I prefer bold or different colors over capitalized letters, but for ease of writing I have used upper case to highlight different words.

    The eyes should be able to cast over your offer in seconds and grab (for most subconsciously) the most pertinent part of your offer. Don't underestimate how people scan words. It's a science for sure, but common sense prevails. The object is to give each type of audience something to connect with.

    Some people are visual - need pictures.
    Some people are audiometric - need voices.
    Some people are kinesthetic - need to interact.

    On top of that we have the different levels of analysis people will do. From no due diligence buyers to absolutely ANAL. Cater as well as you can for each, so each may find their piece of your puzzle to their own satisfaction.

    Competitive EDGE Sold Here!

    Our Winning Formula is for sale.

    If your sport relies on energy, focus and Alertness - you simply have to take a look at how we can give you an immediate competitive edge...

    There is no secret that being competitive takes a lot of hard work. It is tiring and draining physically and mentally to be always "on top of your game!"

    What If I could show you a natural way to increase your competitive advantage. Find more ENERGY, FOCUS and ALERTNESS!

    Could you use more ENDURANCE and SPEED?

    Please understand that the information we are about to share is for people who are REALLY looking to improve their sporting performance.

    We are dedicated to making sure our customers receive world class service and attention. WE know that if YOU succeed, we will SUCCEED.

    High performance comes at an enormous level of personal sacrifice. The early morning and late evening training sessions. The inclement weather. The other 1000 commitments that keep piling up trying to drain your enthusiasm and dampen your spirit.

    You DON'T NEED ARTIFICIAL supplements and enhancements to feel your best and perform at your peak level. Ultimately a majority of artificial supplements are actually harmful to your long term well being.

    OUR GOAL is SIMPLE. We want you to be as SUCCESSFUL as you possibly can, by INCREASING ENERGY, FOCUS, ALERTNESS, ENDURANCE and SPEED.

    WE want your success to be our success. IF you are interested in a FREE trial of a 100% NATURAL PERFORMANCE LIFT, send us a note right NOW. We are offering a limited trial of ACCELERATE, that you can receive FREE of charge, if you send in the FORM NOW.

    WE can only accept a limited number of FREE trials, and if you are reading this message, you will more than likely be eligible (PROVIDING we receive your email TODAY).

    How CAN ACCELERATE improve my COMPETITIVE EDGE?

    Good question. ACCELERATE has been PROFESSIONALLY proven to LIFT ENERGY, FOCUS, ALERTNESS, ENDURANCE and SPEED by using a PROPRIETARY blend of 100% NATURAL INGREDIENTS.

    That means, NO MSG, NO Artificial Sweetners, NO Sugar and NO FILLERS!!

    Let me explain that again. ACCELERATE is designed to work when your body needs it most. At the end of your training cycle and you are looking for that extra few hundred yards or that extra repetition - ACCELERATE is there to give you that LAST gasp of AIR.

    It gives you a bigger bang for your buck!

    Sign up for a FREE - NO RISK trial today and we'll send you a 30 Day program. If you are not personally satisfied with the EXTRA energy and focus you have at the end of that trial, you will never hear from us again.

    We can only afford to run this FREE TRIAL because we know that most customers who send for their FREE TRIAL TODAY, will become customers. WE WANT TO EARN YOUR BUSINESS by giving you quality service and unbeatable products.

    We can only do that, because we believe and trust in OUR COMPETITIVE EDGE giving you the NUMBER ONE 100% NATURAL ENERGY BOOST for your sporting goals.

    REQUEST THE FREE TRIAL RIGHT NOW, and We'll ship it direct to your door TODAY!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1928153].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author lslars31
      Originally Posted by Sandy Hands View Post

      Your presentation is "neat"
      The website is "neat"
      The images are "good"
      The location of headings, menu bar and main image is "confusing"
      The message to a buyer is NOT convincing.
      You have not sold me on the benefits (not because the information is missing, but because you have not connected with me strongly enough).
      The money is in the top left corner. Why waste it with "Wake Up" and a heading that needs concentration to understand? Reads like a documentary and not a call to action.

      You have not addressed my problems, you've simply tried to sell me information in no particular order or style. There is no "personal" attention . I don't feel compelled to reach out and really "want" your product over anything else.

      You are making some good statements but they are lost in the paragraph structure.

      People don't have a minute to read through your offer. They want to immediately feel connected to what you have to sell and then be convinced that you are the only solution available "RIGHT NOW" worth considering.

      I accept that what I am writing is only a personal view and of course there are as many opinions about how to write as their are people on the planet. So, I won't try and explain my reasoning, other than by stating it is simply one version of many thousands that could be presented to you.

      The most significant piece of feedback I can offer is that you need to decide what presentation format you want to use and then stick to it.

      If you want to go the sales letter approach and appeal to buyers, then that is totally different to a "catalogue" of information site. There are similarities of course, and each should have a call to action. The issue with your site is that it is half and half. It is a catalogue site with one product.

      Personally I feel it is probably better suited to a Sales Letter type landing page with no distractions other than the pertinent information that enables you to immediately connect with your potential buyer.

      You have some great information on the site, structure it as a free downloadable report/white paper on nutrition and grab people's email address for a sell later. If you don't get a sale on the first visit, you may at least get their email address for a follow up offer later (i.e. get a two month FREE trial if you respond in the next 30 minutes - or whatever- to this email).

      I would hide the navigation from the front page or at least move it from the top, where it is a distraction to your main sales message. Put it at the bottom of the page (anyone looking seriously will find it down there - make them read your compelling sales pitch first).

      Stick to one point and then offer other information. Do a video presentation and stick it right at the top explaining WHY you are the most compelling 100% Natural Energy Supplement going. Give it a push and sell the product. Odds are most people won't return to the site. Don't be afraid to put your best foot forward.

      Finally, test, test and test some more. Do variations of the front page (i.e. video, no video, heading change, content change, color change). Split test the front like your business depended on the knowledge for survival. Don't guess what works - who knows we could all be wrong. TEST IT!

      Ok, you caught me at an odd time and your post struck and accord with a few things I was working on. Hence this post is both far too long and written very quickly. The ideas and comments are simply spontaneous views. There are typos and grammatical mistakes galore (I'm not interested in making this a perfect post, simply giving you some immediate, and hopefully to a small degree useful, information).

      All the best with your endeavors. Action will always be infinitely more successful than inaction and remember there were very few statues erected to honor critics. Do it your way and do it well.

      ----//---
      The below is a quick 20 minute re-write of your front page. It's not perfect by any stretch, it is simply given to spark your own mind into action on other ways to approach the site (always look through the eyes of the buyer - no one else is important - what are they searching for and what problem do they want solved). Forget the accuracy of what is written, I was not trying to rewrite facts.

      Capital letters should be substituted for bold an simply represent that well placed highlighted text works. Personally I prefer bold or different colors over capitalized letters, but for ease of writing I have used upper case to highlight different words.

      The eyes should be able to cast over your offer in seconds and grab (for most subconsciously) the most pertinent part of your offer. Don't underestimate how people scan words. It's a science for sure, but common sense prevails. The object is to give each type of audience something to connect with.

      Some people are visual - need pictures.
      Some people are audiometric - need voices.
      Some people are kinesthetic - need to interact.

      On top of that we have the different levels of analysis people will do. From no due diligence buyers to absolutely ANAL. Cater as well as you can for each, so each may find their piece of your puzzle to their own satisfaction.

      Competitive EDGE Sold Here!

      Our Winning Formula is for sale.

      If your sport relies on energy, focus and Alertness - you simply have to take a look at how we can give you an immediate competitive edge...

      There is no secret that being competitive takes a lot of hard work. It is tiring and draining physically and mentally to be always "on top of your game!"

      What If I could show you a natural way to increase your competitive advantage. Find more ENERGY, FOCUS and ALERTNESS!

      Could you use more ENDURANCE and SPEED?

      Please understand that the information we are about to share is for people who are REALLY looking to improve their sporting performance.

      We are dedicated to making sure our customers receive world class service and attention. WE know that if YOU succeed, we will SUCCEED.

      High performance comes at an enormous level of personal sacrifice. The early morning and late evening training sessions. The inclement weather. The other 1000 commitments that keep piling up trying to drain your enthusiasm and dampen your spirit.

      You DON'T NEED ARTIFICIAL supplements and enhancements to feel your best and perform at your peak level. Ultimately a majority of artificial supplements are actually harmful to your long term well being.

      OUR GOAL is SIMPLE. We want you to be as SUCCESSFUL as you possibly can, by INCREASING ENERGY, FOCUS, ALERTNESS, ENDURANCE and SPEED.

      WE want your success to be our success. IF you are interested in a FREE trial of a 100% NATURAL PERFORMANCE LIFT, send us a note right NOW. We are offering a limited trial of ACCELERATE, that you can receive FREE of charge, if you send in the FORM NOW.

      WE can only accept a limited number of FREE trials, and if you are reading this message, you will more than likely be eligible (PROVIDING we receive your email TODAY).

      How CAN ACCELERATE improve my COMPETITIVE EDGE?

      Good question. ACCELERATE has been PROFESSIONALLY proven to LIFT ENERGY, FOCUS, ALERTNESS, ENDURANCE and SPEED by using a PROPRIETARY blend of 100% NATURAL INGREDIENTS.

      That means, NO MSG, NO Artificial Sweetners, NO Sugar and NO FILLERS!!

      Let me explain that again. ACCELERATE is designed to work when your body needs it most. At the end of your training cycle and you are looking for that extra few hundred yards or that extra repetition - ACCELERATE is there to give you that LAST gasp of AIR.

      It gives you a bigger bang for your buck!

      Sign up for a FREE - NO RISK trial today and we'll send you a 30 Day program. If you are not personally satisfied with the EXTRA energy and focus you have at the end of that trial, you will never hear from us again.

      We can only afford to run this FREE TRIAL because we know that most customers who send for their FREE TRIAL TODAY, will become customers. WE WANT TO EARN YOUR BUSINESS by giving you quality service and unbeatable products.

      We can only do that, because we believe and trust in OUR COMPETITIVE EDGE giving you the NUMBER ONE 100% NATURAL ENERGY BOOST for your sporting goals.

      REQUEST THE FREE TRIAL RIGHT NOW, and We'll ship it direct to your door TODAY!
      I can't thank you enough for that.

      Again thanks to everyone else for responding!

      My problem is that when I initially wrote the copy (over a year ago now), I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.

      I've been planning on doing a rewrite and posted this up to see where I could improve. Apparently, it all needs a bit of work.

      As I said before, I'm going to use a comparative strategy. Some of you might fall over when I say this, but my target fills within energy drink consumers. I have a ton of insightful research suggesting that I can be successful targeting them if I play my cards right.

      As far as positioning is concerned, I was going to figure out my final angle to. Just need to go through a bit of research that I gathered. I have two options. One with huge market share, and one that is growing at an astonishing rate...So, I'm trying to determine the pros and cons of both of them and determine how Accelerate can fit their lifestyle.

      A lot of you are suggesting a sales/landing page. Does this seem like the best bet for me? Is it possible for me to become as success using a different type of layout. Frankly, I've never been incredibly fond of sales pages.
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  • Profile picture of the author kona
    I have a question from some of you who are brilliant copy writers. It seems there is a disconnect from Wake Up to the headline...Discover.... Is that true? Also would you want to use a headline that resonates with the markets or actually the person's biggest pain, problem, frustration etc?
    Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    Man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man.


    FFFffff....yeah...

    OK.

    1. Headline needs work...
    2. Benefits...and specificity
    3. Objections...have you killed them?
    4. Guarantee needs some snaz...
    5. And more....

    Dude you need a copywriter. Truth is the layout and the rest are actually quite good but there message is dead. It's like I'm reading the back of the bottle.

    You can email me if you need help but seriously your copy needs ubber work. Still, sadly enough, better than a lot of people here requesting help for their copy.
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    What's the big idea? pills? nah.

    The big idea is something like Fatigue

    Don't spread yourself too thin and say the product fights
    chronic fatigue and enhances athletic performance too.

    Focus on one problem, blow it up real big, illustrate how this
    problem is costing your prospect so much quality of life,
    then offer the easy, risk-free solution.

    Fatigue is the pivot point I prefer because I suffer from (and
    have beaten) chronic fatigue syndrome. I still have relapses
    but I know how to manage them from experience.

    I say choose one pivot point - symptom, problem, condition -
    whatever. Find the dominant underlying painful emotion
    having the condition causes, then write to the prospect
    having that emotion. Don't try to sell a panacea for
    improved performance because that is far to generalized.

    In my opinion your "natural" angle is not effective. You want
    to say it's like RedBull but "natural". RedBull is a general,
    brand name product. Energy drinks are general. Retail
    is general. Direct response is specific. That is it's
    advantage and it's weakness. Direct response marketing
    is about targeting and precision to make the most money
    with the least spending. General products do not have this
    advantage - which is why, even when you sell a "general"
    product with direct response, you have to show specific
    uses for it that go beyond the norm for a similar product
    available at retail stores.

    You can only win at direct response with perceived advantages
    in one or more of three areas:

    1. Lower Price
    2. Product Exclusivity
    3. Superior Service

    1 and 3 are probably out for you. You need to find how to
    make the problems your product solves specific so you can
    claim exclusivity.
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    • Profile picture of the author lslars31
      Actually, we have the other energy products beat on price/serving as well.

      Maybe I didn't explain this clearly before. Our website isn't the only thing we have going for us. We have other sales outlets who are interested in selling the product. We want the site to function as a professional homepage for those who are directed to it through WOM or another source (in-store). I think that's the reason it seems vague and general. It's more straight-line copy. It speaks mostly of the product's functional benefits. The vision for our brand is to be natural.

      That said, we would like it to double as a sales page for those who are being directed to it for the very first time. Ideally, the copy would reflect that. Whether that means they purchase it online or in-store. The goal is to have top-of-mind.

      We are trying to build a brand, not just sell a product. A solid brand will undoubtedly outlast a sales page. Think Integrated Brand Promotion. We are marketing through all sorts of media, not just the internet. This (Accelerate) is something that we plan on doing for a long time.

      However, we do have a landing page design that we will now implement. It seems most logical for marketing on a budget. We'll just direct online campaigns to the landing page.

      I'm in no way trying to undermine any of the advice all of you have given me--it's certainly brilliant advice! I will no doubt take every last bit of it into consideration.

      However, is there any advice on how to strengthen the copy of a 'catalogue' website that isn't just a sales page? Is this taboo? Is it possible to have a 'hybrid' of both? If so, how does one go about it?

      Many thanks! Remember, I'm still learning!
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    You need money to make a brand. Focus on selling the product
    to make the money.

    Trying to do "brand" marketing without plenty of capital is
    like tilting at windmills. That's why us guerillas do direct
    response - it circumvents all the unpleasantness of flushing
    thousands of dollars down the toilet on branding experiments.

    ... but knock yourself out. You've got your whole life to
    figure this out.
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    • Profile picture of the author lslars31
      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      You need money to make a brand. Focus on selling the product
      to make the money.

      Trying to do "brand" marketing without plenty of capital is
      like tilting at windmills. That's why us guerillas do direct
      response - it circumvents all the unpleasantness of flushing
      thousands of dollars down the toilet on branding experiments.

      ... but knock yourself out. You've got your whole life to
      figure this out.
      Good Call.

      Good Call.

      Am I making it obvious that I'm a rookie??

      Thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author LiamMcIvorMartin
    Why don't you have a video? Throw a youtube video up there explaining exactly what problems this product solves. I would also change your 'order now' button to an 'add to cart' and place it directly below your bottle, you have a huge space there and I found my eye flying over there expecting to see a buy link.
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    In Times Of Change, Learners Inherit The Earth

    Liam McIvor Martin

    Outsourced Facebook Marketing

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    • Profile picture of the author lslars31
      Originally Posted by LiamMcIvorMartin View Post

      Why don't you have a video? Throw a youtube video up there explaining exactly what problems this product solves. I would also change your 'order now' button to an 'add to cart' and place it directly below your bottle, you have a huge space there and I found my eye flying over there expecting to see a buy link.
      Thanks for the input.

      We are going to overhaul the design. A few things are going to stay. It will look more like a sales page when things are finished.

      All of this help has really hit home. It totally makes sense to me. Hopefully it will translate to better copy and more sales.

      I can't thank everyone enough!
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