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How's my copy?

by SamstaUK
15 replies
Okay I will admit, I'm not the best person with writing/words, but I've worked hard at this and I'm pretty sure it's a long way off perfect.

I have tried to avoid going over the top, making massive claims, highlighting and bolding everything, offering massive discounts etc..

I just want to keep the page plain and simple while still convincing the reader they will get the results they desire.

MyCycling Review -- By Sam Kennedy

I still need to pretty it up a little, but right now I'm trying to focus on the wording. And for people who don't know much about cycling, a 2.5mph increase in average speed is considered quite a lot. Teams spend tens of thousands of dollars just to squeeze out an extra 0.1mph.

So what do you think? I'm guessing I still have a lot of work to do
#copy
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    It's not a bad start. I don't have any idea what the headline means: Your Training: Sorted.

    The second paragraph, starting with, "I bet you..." is very confusing.

    The fourth paragraph, starting with "Between..." would be better if you opened with something like: Among these cycling geniuses... or something similar. The word between indicates two people or items. When you have more than two, use among. I think the same paragraph would be better if you broke their accomplishments into bullet points rather than running it all together as you have. Use a different style bullet than the ones that follow.

    The line where you mention the Pareto Principle needs to end after the word efforts and then begin a new sentence.

    Other than the structural stuff I've mentioned, it's okay but you need to develop the benefits of training with these people much, much more. You've fallen way short on that account. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      "Sorted" is English slang for "done"... "completed"... "sorted out"? Right? Maybe I'm wrong. Been living in US too long.

      You need at least a graphic that acts as a signpost to say "this is cycling information".

      You should only use graphics to forward the sale but in this case it does, because it'll keep cyclists on the page.

      You should widen the table. It just looks weird as that narrow column.

      You don't credentialize yourself and your cycling pedigree.

      There's no real "insider" nuggets that tells the reader you are a kindred cycling spirit.

      Elegantly weave in details and slang only hardcore cyclists would know.

      Hope these few quick pointers help.

      --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    You have to tell in the headline what it's about. Never assume people will read the body copy to see what on earth you're referring to.
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    • Profile picture of the author Sam Mlambo
      The headline needs to be improved. Here's one off the top of my head:

      Ex-Professional Cyclists Finally Reveal Their Secrets To Dominating Races From Start To Finish -- And How You Can Too!
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  • Profile picture of the author arklove
    As a landing page- squeeze page you need an opt in box so at least you can build an interested list of cyclists even if they are not ready to buy your product straight away. I like Sams headline above...It seems alot clearer. One great resource you can check out is Aweber. You can create a custom built opt in form in the back office there and also manage all your leads.
    hope this is helpful. A
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    • Profile picture of the author SamstaUK
      Originally Posted by arklove View Post

      As a landing page- squeeze page you need an opt in box so at least you can build an interested list of cyclists even if they are not ready to buy your product straight away. I like Sams headline above...It seems alot clearer. One great resource you can check out is Aweber. You can create a custom built opt in form in the back office there and also manage all your leads.
      hope this is helpful. A
      I've tried aWeber before, now I'm out of pocket £35. I got a bunch of subscribers, (more than what's in my sig line), but no sales. Personally I feel people sign up just for the free info, then ignore the emails after that. Obviously it works for some people, but I ignore any automated emails, and I'm guessing the majority of people do as well.

      I also think that each time there is a link to another page, I'm losing visitors. If I had say a 30% CTR on an article, then a 25% CTR on my review, then 50% on a subscriber box, then I've lost a whole bunch of potential sales. The less links someone has to click through to get to the final product, the better IMHO.

      Obviously it's not working either way though
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      • Profile picture of the author BillOliver
        I was reading one of my newsletters a few hours ago - Chris Marlow the Copywriting Coach I think - the money is DEFINITELY in the Ezine/list.
        I am sure HEAPS of other marketers here will agree with me 100%.

        You have to write useful info + compelling copy though.
        I was on Dan Kennedy's list for years before I pounced on a $1200 product.

        Rather than Aweber, try MailLoop from Internet Marketing Centre.
        It has a one off fee not a monthly one.

        Also don't have links to other people's stuff there - they'll vaporize into cybespace.

        Bill
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        • Profile picture of the author SamstaUK
          The banner ad on the sales page actually contains my affiliate link.

          What I'm working on at the minute is getting my blog sorted, with summaries of other articles I wrote (linking back to the articles in the directories), and I've also posted my presell text on there. I'm hoping I will either get my blog, or articles ranked in google so that I can start leading people to the sales page. Right now I have to get writing more articles!
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      • Profile picture of the author Rikki_Fawkes
        Originally Posted by SamstaUK View Post

        I've tried aWeber before, now I'm out of pocket £35. I got a bunch of subscribers, (more than what's in my sig line), but no sales. Personally I feel people sign up just for the free info, then ignore the emails after that. Obviously it works for some people, but I ignore any automated emails, and I'm guessing the majority of people do as well.

        I also think that each time there is a link to another page, I'm losing visitors. If I had say a 30% CTR on an article, then a 25% CTR on my review, then 50% on a subscriber box, then I've lost a whole bunch of potential sales. The less links someone has to click through to get to the final product, the better IMHO.

        Obviously it's not working either way though
        I've experienced the same thing - people sign up for free stuff then put you on ignore.

        I often wonder if my headlines aren't good enough, but I've optimized them as much as I think possible for the topic. Then others write you email after email asking for more info, you send them more, and then they don't end up following through with the purchase.

        Frustrating, to say the least. I definitely feel your pain.
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        • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
          Originally Posted by Rikki_Fawkes View Post

          I've experienced the same thing - people sign up for free stuff then put you on ignore.

          I often wonder if my headlines aren't good enough, but I've optimized them as much as I think possible for the topic. Then others write you email after email asking for more info, you send them more, and then they don't end up following through with the purchase.

          Frustrating, to say the least. I definitely feel your pain.
          Your 'free stuff' should be designed to presell your product and position you as the expert.

          You should tell anyone who emails for help to buy your product - give them an outline of what they need to do to solve their problem, explain that you're busy helping paying customers and if they jump aboard you'll be pleased to give them all the help they'll need (but they won't need any as your product's so great, right?).

          Let them know you value your time, if they really want one on one help then it'll cost them far more than your product.
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          Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
    Nice try.
    Here is my feedback though:
    1. Avoid metaphors in unsophisticated markets. Most people won't understand what you've meant by that. Here I am reffering to the headline.
    2. You should use AIDA. I can't understand where is your persuasion structure (you go into selling way too fast).
    AIDA
    Attention - headline, problem.
    Interest - talk about him, solution.
    Desire - product, how it will benefit him.
    Action - call to action, scarcity.
    3. It doesn't have any flow. You are jumping from one idea to another. Make your copy a greased slide, not a few random ideas.

    I suggest you rewrite it from the start instead of tweaking it.

    Best regards,
    Razvan Rogoz
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  • Profile picture of the author yachi
    Good try but you still have to improve a lot. I guess everyone has mentioned what needs to be done. So, just follow.....
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    • Profile picture of the author rickstooker
      I gather that the product is not yours, but you're an affiliate.

      Your job is NOT to see the product to prospects - that's the merchant's job.

      Your job is PREsell the product to prospects.

      So do not make your page look like a sales page, at all. Instead, write a
      simple article as one cyclist to another cyclist, telling what you got
      out of it. Did it improve your speed? Tell some story about it.

      Or at least review it, from the point of view of a cyclist. Point out bad as
      well as good points, but the good points should outweigh the bad
      (if they don't you shouldn't be recommending it!).

      Then provide a link in the article/review with a call to action.

      Sell them on subscribing to main page's list too - the merchant should
      be going after them on a regular basis. And with Clickbank, your
      cookie remains in place for two months (I believe).

      I didn't see an opt-in form on your page, though.

      As an affiliate, if you want list subscribers you should be planning to
      stay in that niche and (pre)sell them other products down the road.

      Use an autoresponder to send them a series of emails on cycling,
      but don't bore them with too much info. And each email should include
      your affiliate link to the main product or another you're selling.

      Talk them as one cyclist to another trading tips over a beer after a race.

      Rick
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      • Profile picture of the author tbone3
        Headline - you should give the reader an exciting benefit. You could use something like "How to..."
        Font Size - it's too small, make it a little bigger
        Background color - the pink is distracting
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  • Profile picture of the author jbode
    Dude, the best thing you can add is some good info to prove you know what you're talking about (a tip that you can explain quickly)
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