Am I Missing Something In My Copy? Critique?

14 years ago

Hi there,

I think the first problem is the postcards at the top of the page. I wouldn't have them there. They do more damage than good as they look ugly and spoil the headline.

Try to make your headline shorter. I would also use an image title so you can have a drop shadow effect and make it look more attractive.

Something like this: Speak Japanese Fluently - Start Speaking Japanese

I think you also need more spacing between paragraphs and better quality images.

Also, there is no call to action - have the opt-in at the end or sell it now! You get to tell your prospects to take action.

Cheers

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Loren Woirhaye

14 years ago

Looks pretty competent. If I were writing it I would look for a way
to shorten the headline... and make it less about you, which you
continue in the deck copy.

I think a story about your own experience is a cool thing if you lost
100lbs... but in this case I think you're wasting valuable selling
space telling a story that isn't too relevant to the mechanism of
the way the thing works, which is what buyers will be far more
interested in than your background.

You might keep the story elements and include them further down
in the letter. I'd look for a stronger headline and deck copy appeal
though.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Great idea - love it in fact. But that page isn't gonna cut it. For starters those tiny pics at the top don't look like postcards. Your pre-head and your headline and deck aren't working either. Looks like you're trying to write to a formula. All that "frustrated marketers" ..."from the desk of" BS. Why not write from the heart? Tell us what you have. Tell us what's so great about it. Tell us why we should get it. Cut to the chase. Like this -

offline marketers - check this out

Snail Mail is Back!

...bet you never thought of this

Why not write that headline in a marker pen font on a postcard? As you can see...I'm no Mr. Subtle but you get the idea?

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Sam Mlambo

14 years ago

Hey Jimian,

I skimmed through your sales letter and found it to be well written. Your analog copy and graphics got my attention and had me reading. The headline is not bad either, you're using the power of triad which is powerful.

When I have time to thoroughly read it then I may have some suggestions. But for now I gotta say good job. What kind of results have you gotten with initial testing?

- Sam

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Jimian

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Sam Mlambo

Hey Jimian,

I skimmed through your sales letter and found it to be well written. Your analog copy and graphics got my attention and had me reading. The headline is not bad either, you're using the power of triad which is powerful.

When I have time to thoroughly read it then I may have some suggestions. But for now I gotta say good job. What kind of results have you gotten with initial testing?

- Sam

I think You saw it AFTER I made changes from the responses I got from the other Warriors like metronicity. That's a cool cat!

You asked: "What kind of results have you gotten with initial testing?"

Haven't launched yet but email responses have been nothing but pure interest in the program.

One email stated, "Hey I'm NOT in the offline marketing consulting field. Will this kind of thing work for my field?"

That's my point. It's not JUST about "online tools for offline business" but for anyone in a B2B kind of business.

~ JIM

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Jimian

I think You saw it AFTER I made changes from the responses I got from the other Warriors like metronicity. That's a cool cat!

You asked: "What kind of results have you gotten with initial testing?"

Haven't launched yet but email responses have been nothing but pure interest in the program.

One email stated, "Hey I'm NOT in the offline marketing consulting field. Will this kind of thing work for my field?"

That's my point. It's not JUST about "online tools for offline business" but for anyone in a B2B kind of business.

~ JIM

Jim, if you're going with that headline do it like this -

The Fastest, Easiest Way to
Launch Your Offline Marketing Biz
Get All The Clients You Need & Enjoy a One-of-a-Kind Lifestyle

I've got a sale for you BTW - PM me.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

NEWSFLASH: Snail mail is back..Snail mail is back..Snail mail is back..Snail mail is back

Discover how mailing just postcards a day can lead you to OFFLINE success...

[run postcards here]

The Fastest, Easiest Way to
Launch Your Offline Marketing Biz
Get All The Clients You Need & Enjoy a One-of-a-Kind Lifestyle

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Vendor-Lock

14 years ago

could use some " call to action " . other then that it looks good ! ; )

cheers
Jeff Noyes

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Jimian 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Vendor-Lock.com

could use some " call to action " . other then that it looks good ! ; )

cheers
Jeff Noyes

Jeff,

Right. haven't got to that yet...but will do.

Jim

P.S. Thanks Copy NAZI....
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Lee Wilson

14 years ago

Honestly, I think you've given too much away. I had a quick read and feel like I now know your system enough that there's nothing for me to buy. I've picked up a great idea that I might adapt and use in the future but haven't had to give you a penny.

Lee

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jukeboxhero

14 years ago

Your headline is vague and by trying to appeal to everyone it appeals to no one.

People don't want to launch businesses... It's vague.

Nobody wakes up out of bed and say's GEE I hope someone can tell me how to launch a biz today.

Your opening sentence... The big one.. The one that is supposed to suck your readers relentlessly into your copy... Who's it about? YOU. People don't care about you. They care about them.

Think of it like a real conversation you wouldn't just start talking about me. me. me. If you were smart at least. You'd talk about them, their desires and what keeps them awake at night...

I'm outta time. I hope I don't sound too harsh. But I'd rather have you hate me and see killer copy than have you love me and go to market with what you've got now.

Thanks
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Originally Posted by jukeboxhero

Your headline is vague and by trying to appeal to everyone it appeals to no one.

People don't want to launch businesses... It's vague.

Nobody wakes up out of bed and say's GEE I hope someone can tell me how to launch a biz today.

Your opening sentence... The big one.. The one that is supposed to suck your readers relentlessly into your copy... Who's it about? YOU. People don't care about you. They care about them.

Think of it like a real conversation you wouldn't just start talking about me. me. me. If you were smart at least. You'd talk about them, their desires and what keeps them awake at night...

I'm outta time. I hope I don't sound too harsh. But I'd rather have you hate me and see killer copy than have you love me and go to market with what you've got now.

Really? There's whole forums built around "offline businesses". Here's one of them - Offline Marketing Discussion and Strategies - Offline Gold Forum

I don't see anything wrong with his "opening sentence". He's establishing credibility. Which is important. He doesn't waffle - he cuts to the chase. Especially that line about "it hit me right between the eyes". Don't know about you but it sucked me in.

This is one of the better salespages I've seen thrown up here for critique. Very good job in fact.

Thanks
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jukeboxhero

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Really? There's whole forums built around "offline businesses". Here's one of them - Offline Marketing Discussion and Strategies - Offline Gold Forum

I don't see anything wrong with his "opening sentence". He's establishing credibility. Which is important. He doesn't waffle - he cuts to the chase. Especially that line about "it hit me right between the eyes". Don't know about you but it sucked me in.

This is one of the better salespages I've seen thrown up here for critique. Very good job in fact.

Your absolutely correct.

Quite frankly it slipped my mind, that when I walk up to the girl at a bar and wanna win her over I should "Build my credibility by telling her how great I am"...

Crap.. Back to the drawing board for me I guess :-(

Thanks

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Jimian

14 years ago

Originally Posted by L Wilson

Honestly, I think you've given too much away. I had a quick read and feel like I now know your system enough that there's nothing for me to buy. I've picked up a great idea that I might adapt and use in the future but haven't had to give you a penny.

Lee

True, I am giving quite a bit away...and I'm glad you got an idea from it.... Will you know everything to get going? If so, you won't need my program. BUT, if you stumble somewhere along the line, you might come back and buy it.

Most sales pages keep you guessing. I'm saying, look at this -- in the flesh, you want it? I've done all the know-how for you.

~ JIM

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TheMagicShow

14 years ago

I tend to agree with others here, lose the pictures on the top, it takes away from the headline and distracts it.

Headline: "Learn How To launch A successful Offline Business & Get Stomped With Herds Of Clients, By Simply Sending 5 Postcards A Day!"

In the bottom, before the P.S you give a warning that does, nothing to entice the reader to act quickly and buy.

Maybe I'm blind, but I saw no sense of urgency in this letter.

Your P.S is weak and it is a waste of space, to mention a wso in there.

Good Luck dood,
Magic!

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Am I Missing Something In My Copy? Critique?

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