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Critique Please

by hjalte81
10 replies
The last time I asked for help with a review copy I got banned for a week...!

So... Here's a disclaimer:

I'm NOT writing this thread to promote my product. Neither am I seeking any affiliates for my upcoming product! Just to be clear!

With that being said, I could really use some help here...

I have a product on how to deal with bad breath and for the past few days I've been trying to piece together a salescopy...

I think it's pretty ok myself, but I need some fresh eyes to look at it...

Now, I'm not asalescopy writer or anything, so what I've done is that I've taken the best pieces from other cool copies and re-written them to fit my copy... (isn't that what you guys do...?)

Anywhere, here's the copy: Fresh Breath Solution

(the root of that domain is my first copy for that product, but I'm not asking for help to that one.. that copy is just crappy... I already know that )
#banned #copywriting #critique
  • Profile picture of the author AustinLadyTam
    The headline is a little too indirect for me--I'd like to see more of an obvious benefit, such as being able to talk close to someone without them pulling away. Don't assume the reader will make the leap between discovering the "previous (sic) unknown secrets for overcoming bad breath." HOW do those secrets help him or her?

    And your first sentence of body copy makes no sense ("You are in though spot.") You go on to point out that bad breath is ruining the readers life, but I'd like to see some vivid examples that connect with me emotionally.

    All in all, I need to see more juicy benefits, higher energy level and better grammar and word choice in this sales letter. It's just not grabbing me.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      What a nice compliment. You've read the first letter in the report in my sig. Only problem is what you've cut 'n' pasted (which is bad form) doesn't jive with the letter you need to write for your unique product.

      The report isn't a set of word-for-word templates. You still need to write your own words, just be guided by the principles laid out in the green boxes.

      As Dora the Explorer says, "Swiper no swiping!".
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      • Profile picture of the author hjalte81
        Originally Posted by Ross Bowring View Post

        What a nice compliment. You've read the first letter in the report in my sig. Only problem is what you've cut 'n' pasted (which is bad form) doesn't jive with the letter you need to write for your unique product.

        The report isn't a set of templates. You still need to write your own words, just be guided by the principles laid out in the green boxes.

        As Dora says, "Swiper no swiping!".
        Hi Ross... Yeah... You're the man

        hehe... It's pretty hard to write copy, but it's something I need to learn... I know that being able to write copy is one of the biggest assets a Internet Marketer can have... at least, something that would really improve MY IM journey...

        (btw.: I read somewhere, some time ago, that one way to learn it, is to rewrite other letters...)

        I don't understand this: As Dora says, "Swiper no swiping!". What do you mean?
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        • Profile picture of the author nadia712
          Originally Posted by hjalte81 View Post

          I don't understand this: As Dora says, "Swiper no swiping!". What do you mean?
          It means don't copy and paste, basically.
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          • Profile picture of the author hjalte81
            Originally Posted by nadia712 View Post

            It means don't copy and paste, basically.
            okay.. thanks
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        • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
          Originally Posted by hjalte81 View Post

          Hi Ross... Yeah... You're the man

          hehe... It's pretty hard to write copy, but it's something I need to learn... I know that being able to write copy is one of the biggest assets a Internet Marketer can have... at least, something that would really improve MY IM journey...

          (btw.: I read somewhere, some time ago, that one way to learn it, is to rewrite other letters...)

          I don't understand this: As Dora says, "Swiper no swiping!". What do you mean?
          You want to rewrite those letters for practice not publication. I re-wrote reams of letters back in the day. But when it comes to your own copy, stick with your own words, and have faith in your own creative juices.

          Dora is a young female explorer who wields a talking backpack... a sidekick named Boots... and a nemesis in "Swiper" who needs to take Ethics 101.

          --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
    Wow. For $35 I can cure my bad breath. First, though, I have to read a sales letter.

    Not sure this is a sale-able product at this price point.

    The only way I can see a long-form sales letter working here along with a $35 price point would be to take "extreme bad breath sufferers" and openly target them. I would make it look clinical, black and white, almost an advertorial style and hit them between the eyes with a disclaimer that this product is not for everyone but only for those who have serious, chronic bad breath.

    Otherwise you are lost. In my humble opinion. Or maybe not so humble.

    "If You Are One of the 18 Million Sufferers of Chronic Halitosis (Breath Odor) This Article Will Change Your Life"

    Read below to discover...
    • How your clinical halitosis is far different than simply bad breath
    • The hidden causes for chronic halitosis
    • Why mints and cover-ups don't work for you
    • How to cure chronic halitosis once and for all

    etc...

    You could also get away with an advertorial about your struggles with chronic clinical halitosis (tm), but I like the more clinical approach myself.
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    • Profile picture of the author hjalte81
      Originally Posted by Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter View Post

      Wow. For $35 I can cure my bad breath. First, though, I have to read a sales letter.

      Not sure this is a sale-able product at this price point.

      The only way I can see a long-form sales letter working here along with a $35 price point would be to take "extreme bad breath sufferers" and openly target them. I would make it look clinical, black and white, almost an advertorial style and hit them between the eyes with a disclaimer that this product is not for everyone but only for those who have serious, chronic bad breath.

      Otherwise you are lost. In my humble opinion. Or maybe not so humble.

      "If You Are One of the 18 Million Sufferers of Chronic Halitosis (Breath Odor) This Article Will Change Your Life"

      Read below to discover...
      • How your clinical halitosis is far different than simply bad breath
      • The hidden causes for chronic halitosis
      • Why mints and cover-ups don't work for you
      • How to cure chronic halitosis once and for all

      etc...

      You could also get away with an advertorial about your struggles with chronic clinical halitosis (tm), but I like the more clinical approach myself.
      Hmmm.... That's why I like the WF so much
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter
    This has been rattling around in my brain as I ran some errands and I wanted to give you a different take or two:

    "She Told Me to Lick My Wrist"

    There we were, on her porch and I was hoping to kiss her good night. Maybe more. Instead she told me to lick my wrist.

    "What?"

    "Go ahead, lick your wrist. I'm serious"

    She was pretty and I thought we'd had a great time together, so, as silly as it sounded, I was willing to do just about anything to hopefully see her again. So I licked my wrist.

    "Now, smell it."

    "What?"

    "Smell it."

    I did. It smelled awful--that awful sulfur smell.

    "I didn't want to say anything at the restaurant, but that's what your breath smells like--I've been attacked by it all night." With that she hurried into the house.

    The walk back to my car was humiliating. What was I to do? I brushed, used mints and mouthwashes, but an hour later my breath made me repulsive. As I drove home I wondered just how many of my friends and co-workers were grossed out by my breath--I knew I was.

    That was the last straw...I needed to do something. Now.
    An alternative to this approach would be:

    "Lick Your Wrist"


    Smell that? That's what your breath smells like....
    I think both could work, then move on toward chronic clinical halitosis and why it is more than just "bad breath."
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Kevin pretty much nailed it but I'd add that you might put something in there about your potion getting rid of alcohol breath (if it's good for that).

    I've heard that sometimes people like to drink booze when they shouldn't be drinking booze and need to cover up their napalm-breath... though I don't know anyone who does that, really. :rolleyes:
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