Critique help please

Made me chuckle.

I disagree, I think the headline gets attention.

Overall your actually not a bad copywriter, you just need a bit of polishing. The main thing is your formatting sucks right now, its hard to read your copy with all that dense text. Copy how John Carlton does it.

Mainly I would say just re-reading your own work from the perspective of your prospect and fine tuning things. It could use more flow but overall your not actually a bad copywriter, youve got the meat and potatoes of it, you just need to present it properly.

Mainly I would re-edit for flow, style, readability and intensification. I think you should read breakthrough advertising. Its not an easy read for most people but youd benefit from it more than most as his concepts would greatly increase the power of your style of writing.

Overall it comes down to just presenting your sales letter in the easiest to read, most enticing to read format possible. The weakest part of this is layout right now.

Youve got the raw salesmanship hidden beneath the surface, just need to polish your work.

I would also say you should carefully consider the advice given on this forum because its not always sound advice.

I agree. There will be many skimmers of your sales letter, and if they cannot easily find the price once they are finished skimming... they will not bother reading the sales letter to find your price. They will just leave.

As for the headline, it is decent. It could be better.

The headline tip RentItNow gave you is a good one, however, it really depends on who you are marketing to. If you are marketing to your average Warrior Forum type of customer, then, using the term Traffic is fine. If you are marketing yourself towards offline customers and those who have no clue about what online marketing is (much less the terminology), then, use words that relate to them better. Such as, customer and bottom line and so forth...

It seems as if you are targeting business owners, so, you should use the layman's terminology to describe what you are selling people.

Now, with the terminology aside here is my tip for the headline.

Discover How To Get A Flood Of Traffic With Just A Few Simple Steps

Well, how many is a few? Actually putting a number into that headline will make a HUGE difference.

Discover How To Get A Flood Of Traffic In Only 4 Simple Steps

That conveys the "there's not much to it" message way better. And, depending on the terminology you use you could do this as well:

Discover How To Get A Flood Of Buyers In Only 4 Simple Steps

So forth, so forth...

Taking out that word "Few" which is general and making your headline more specific will generate a higher interest in what you are selling. More people will likely read on to discover those 4 simple steps which promote the ideal of "instant gratification".

As for the size of the headline, I like it. For your particular mini-site design it fits.

Second tip, play to the reader's emotion more.

For instance, here is your first sentence:

Are you sick and tired of spending fortunes on advertising and trying to get your website to the top of the search engines?

Improve upon it by throwing some emotional triggers into the mix...

Are you sick and tired of spending all your hard earned money on advertising that does not work only to get second rate results? Are you feed up trying to get your website noticed and to the top of the search engines...?

There's got to be a better way, and there is...

Hi, Danny Cutts here (go into your sales letter)

Then, you just continue that bombardment of hitting on their emotions. That's what's gonna grab 'em by the balls... That's what's gonna move your prospect into action... That's what's gonna sell your stuff!

Ultimately, that's how you're gonna make bank.

But, only if you keep your prospect's emotions in mind. And, only if you know what those emotional triggers are for your prospect... every niche will have different triggers. You just need to find your market's triggers.

As for layout, your sales letter is easy on the eyes and is broken up really good. I like the design and layout.

One last tip, price positioning and justification. You started doing this when you talked about your friend's website. $500 deposit and $250 there after... month after month. Well, when you give the price of your product you can mention that again.

You can pay $500 now and $250 for the next 6 months and still be NO WHERE... in the same spot you are now. That equates to: $2,000 of your hard earned money -- down the drain.

Now, you can either pay that $2,000 and get no results OR you can pay a measly $47 and within 4 simple steps be on your way to dominating the search engines AND your competition.

Let's see: $47... $2,000... $47... $2,000.

I know which I would choose!

Heck, let's make this a no brainer. I will slash the price. Now, not only do you get:

(list all the cool stuff in a bulletin)

But, you get it all for the one time low price of $27 (that's $20 off!)

Tell me that's not a GREAT deal!

Let's make it even better. I will even give you my ultimate money back guarantee...

(explain guarantee)

I noticed you do not have a guarantee. If I was you I would add one.

Anyhow, what you have is workable and is decent by itself. Can it be better? Sure. It can be way better.

I could continue on forever, but if I did that I should just go into my little dark office and write the darn sales letter for you.

Hopefully, the tips provided will help you improve upon your sales letter. Now, that does not mean you should use what I gave you verbatim. I just slapped that together in a couple of minutes (the time it took me to write this post).

But, the ideas are solid. Use those ideals and you will improve your overall sales letter.


JC