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Need help to critique sale letter

by Ben Chin
4 replies
Hi there,

I just got a new product and sales letter out. Its in the dating niche but with a slight twist hopefully to offer some variety in the market.

At first I wanted a clean no frills page but now I am wondering if I should get some graphics or design in. I still haven't uploaded the ebook graphic yet.

Any thoughts?

Having Success With Women
#critique #letter #sale
  • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
    Hey Ben,

    That's a good start you've made.

    Your lead in story is good, but you must bear in mind the prospect is only interested in what's in it for them. So - before you start on that - you should really emphasize it's very much in the prospect's interest to keep reading.

    Do this by strengthening your deck copy this way ...


    I Have Found The Perfect Solution..."

    ... and now I'm going to show YOU how to Get TWO DATES In The Next TWO WEEKS.... Guaranteed!


    You can then reinforce that by putting a testimonial immediately under the deck copy.     This needs to be short and to the point, so edit it if neccessary.

    That way, the conversation in the prospect's head goes something like this ...

    (Reads headline) "Okay, so he's found the perfect solution (for him)"

    (Reads deck copy) "So this might be the perfect solution for me. But TWO dates in TWO weeks ... you've got to be kidding, right?"

    (Then reads testimonial)) "Hey, maybe this guy has something here ... I'll read on."

    Regarding the rest of the testimonials: they should only appear AFTER you've introduced the product.

    Right now, they interrupt the flow by appearing whilst you're still dealing with the problem.

    It's only when you present your solution that you need testimonials (with the exception of the one under the deck copy, which is to prove the claim you've just made in the headline).

    Warmest regards,


    Paul
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    If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ben Chin
      Hi Paul.

      Thanks for those comments! I was wondering whether the headline was good enough to hook the readers to continue. The testimonial under the deck copy is a great idea.
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      • Profile picture of the author dtendrich
        Hey,

        I think a combo of your headline and sub-head will pull best...

        Something like...

        "If you've ever had trouble talking to women.. I'll show you the exact method to getting a minimum of two dates in two weeks - guaranteed..."

        Two dates in two weeks is a good hook. Too good to just be a sub. Also - later on the page I saw a lot about texting... You could work that into your head too cause that's pretty unique..

        Something like...

        "How [name of person], a 29 year old total dating noob, got 2 dates in 2 weeks by sending a few text messages..."

        -Before using this method he couldn't even get a number...
        -Now he regularly gets numbers, and converts over half of them into hot, steaming dates...

        Later on this page: [name]'s story of exactly how he did it. Scroll down to find out.

        That one requires a good testimonial. But if you got it, go for it.

        Just off the top of my head with a couple beers in me (and I drink as often as the guys who visit your site get dates <_<)

        David
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        Copywriting Tips, internet marketing jargon, thoughts, and rants by me.

        Atlanta Copywriter, serving clients worldwide.

        Write your life.
        David Tendrich
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      • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
        Hey Ben,

        Glad you like my suggestions.

        The headline would do equally well as a pre-headline, because it calls out precisely to your target audience.

        But as a headline you could split test it with this slight variation ...

        "If You've Ever Had Trouble Talking To Women....
        Then Here's The Perfect Solution..."

        ... what's more, I'm going to show YOU how to Get TWO DATES In The Next TWO WEEKS.... Guaranteed!

        Warmest regards,

        Paul
        Signature
        If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
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