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blunkin a foofin moozle? shoots!

by RevenueRabbi
4 replies
that's a headline that attracts attention! but then again, if it has nothing to do with my copy, that would be kind of silly (in this market anyway.)

so, here is my little site in progress:

backdoor

I've been workin' on the bullet points. I know i need more explanation of whatthey get... but help me by telling me what you see lacking!

Your guidance would be helpful on how to best make this page do its job!
#blunkin #foofin #moozle #shoots
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Your opening paragraphs don't gel with your headline.

    You need shorter sentences.

    The standard of English isn't great.

    The more I read the less sense the whole thing is making.

    In fact, I don't really have a clue as to what your letter's about or what you're selling. Don't bother with your bullets, you need to look at the fundamental structure of your page.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
      Hi RevenueRabbi,

      Great! You obviously understand the value of a curiosity" headline.

      But your "real" headline doesn't really hook the reader in.

      Try ...



      Discover The Little Known Secret Of Getting All
      The Business Finance You Want RIGHT NOW ...
      Even In The Midst Of A Recession!"

      Read on to discover the way mega fortunes
      are started at times like these ...

      You can then move into a story about how access to credit the average Joe doesn't know about, coupled with access to inventory of unsold goods at firesale prices has launched the career of many a multi millionaire.

      Then you can introduce yourself with the sub headline ...

      And now it's YOUR turn
      Hi my name is ...

      Then tell them why they should believe you and ONLY then introduce the product.




      That's my 50 cent's worth. I'll leave the rest to the other gals and guys who hang out here.

      By the way, red has been proven to work best for headlines and sub headlines on line and blue for direct mail.

      Warmest regards,

      Paul
      Signature
      If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Your headline is long and clunky. Then you have too much stuff before getting to the point. I mean RE, and FROM, And Inc. etc. Tell them all that later.

    Then you open with fear (worry, struggle, sleepless nights, 20-hour days...) where most business folks aren't anywhere near that type of anguish.

    So, you've lost 3/4 of your legitimate readers right from jump. I'd suggest you get to the benefits first. Tell 'em what you've got. Then scare the daylights out of them if they're too dumb to get what you've got.

    As it stands, this page spells amateur hour. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Way too many bullet points. You need 7 at the most. Odd numbers of bullets work better.

    Dry copy that's not gonna get read.

    This line buried in the deck is a better head than the lame duck you have at the moment -

    "How To Get the Financing You Need
    to Grow Your Small Business
    - without a Personal Guarantee!
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