Is my copy compelling enouph on my sales page?

Not much of an offer is it?

So the answer is no. Your offer isn't compelling.

Prospects are gonna think "10% off of how much?" -
aside from 10% not being much of a discount and the
rather steep commitment to 10 sessions to get it, you've
not disclosed your price.

By all means test it if a hidden price, a 10 session
commitment and a measly 10% discount is the best
you're willing to offer, but my experience tells me this
approach will not get people calling you.

You brag about your guarantee in your headline -
I'd expect a money-back if unsatisfied guarantee
but here you've used weasel-language to the effect
that if I do in fact "Discover How Personal
One-on-One Training Can Shave Weeks Off of
Your Personal Fitness Goals." but am unsatisfied
with my results, will you give me my money back
or not?

See? you haven't guaranteed anything meaningful.

I'd be suspicious if I were a prospect.

I'm not bullying your intent, Mike - I just know you have
to be specific and make a very hard to refuse offer to
get response in today's marketplace. That's part of
what makes creating effective copy such a detailed
process. There are a lot of elements that can help the
sale which when absent or done wrong will kill the sale.

Do you have a postcard pitch? Or an elevator pitch?

Do this: write/speak your pitch - try to distill down to
not too many, but powerful words what you do for
your clients. Put the magic and enthusiasm in it.
Say "transform your health" instead of "Get the body
you've always wanted" - there's a purpose to this because
your pitch needs to awaken the imagination of your
prospect, start a mental movie. Your pitch needs to
get the prospect visualizing the results she will
get if she buys your product or even agrees to speak
with your salesperson.

People tend to be reluctant to enter into sales conversations
unless they have a very attractive offer in front of them,
in writing usually. Only then will they call to ask specific
questions and move towards buying.

The first part of the pitch is the mind-movie. The second
part is the offer/call-to-action where you tell 'em what
they'll get, why it's safe, and how much it will cost.

Be specific.

.
.
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Hi Mike,

I do like your opener. I think it's good.. I would list some Real Benefits though, in a bulleted list.

Example -

After 30 days with me you'll have:
- tight upper and lower abdominals
- more defined torso
- thigh and buttocks toned
- better flexibility
etc

And then a disclaimer somewhere at the bottom - "all results will differ, etc."

I would also list the benefits for Men, and Women because the end results are very different. If you're gearing your site to both, don't leave one out.

Just a note... maybe this is my female perspective but the color mismatch bothered me alot. The gray header, blueish/purplish pic of the arm next to the flesh colored woman.

One more thing.... I would also put a price in there - you will get more calls this way (in my opinion). Maybe you could have the first session be free.

Lots of luck with it.

Liz

I would strongly suggest the well written advice of Loren.

He gave you a free $500 consultation.
All that I can add to what he said is this. To many people trust is very important. You need customers and lots of them. Instead of a tiny discount, search on the internet and for $5.00 (or Less) buy a training/fitness ebook. Rewrite the first 2 pages, make yourself the author. On the cover, put a small picture of yourself. As a footer on every page, you can mention your discount offer.

Now use the Ebook as free bait. You wrote the book, I'm convinced. Maybe now I might buy. If not, you have my opt-in email. Monthly keep giving me offers till I cave in.

I do not think you need more advice. Adjust and start the action. Then adjust and start the action again. Here I am referring to marketing changes. Not the A+ copywriting advice.

Second dyeadvisor's advice to heed Loren's suggestions. Most people pay for that quality of critique. You're getting it free.

In terms of your headline, its not compelling enough. What makes you so special above any other personal trainer? If you can put concrete results in the headline, like "how one of your students lost XX lbs in 3 months" kind of deal, it will really help in terms of your credibility. The mind perceives concrete numbers as fact.

Anyway... Since I don't think there's anything to add copy-wise after Lauren's killer advice, here's some tips on your layout.

Get ride of the graphics, or at least shrink them substantially. Make the Headline the focus of the thing. Not the graphics that doesn't say anything. 80% of people don't read below the fold, so get as much of the juicy stuff above the fold as much as possible.