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Experienced Copywriter Wants Your Help.

by Scott Murdaugh
12 replies
Hey guys,

I've written probably several hundred sales pages in my day. I like to think I'm pretty good at it.

But, I think I half assed my newest product.

It's converting at around 3% with targeted traffic. That's "okay" I guess, but I'm not a big fan of okay.

The book is about internet marketing, time management, adwords tricks, a complete PPC tutorial, it covers a lot of ground.

First thing, I need testimonials on there, I've got them, I just need to integrate them.

I think my problem is that I'm targeting newbies, because the PPC guide will get them started on the right foot, as well as experienced marketers, because I think I have information that can help even the most experienced marketers, in fact one customer mentioned that they'd been in the industry for 9 years and learned some new tricks.

So I'm maybe I need a separate sales page for newbies and one for experienced marketers explaining the benefits to each.

I think the e-cover is pretty weak, but I don't think it's dragging down conversions that bad, although I could be wrong.

So help me out here. Tear it to shreds. Your brutal honesty is appreciated.

The URL is Kinetic Marketing System.

Thanks,

-Scott
#copywriter #experienced
  • Profile picture of the author Eric Engel
    geez...in the saturated market you're trying to hit, at the price you're selling this book, I would think 3% is better than ok.

    Unless there's something about where the traffic is coming from that you're not saying.
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  • Profile picture of the author Emailrevealer
    Maybe it's my browser but I can't read the bold red headlines at all. The top line bleeds into the second line.
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Wow, yeah, IE, talk about a dumb mistake.

    I need to work on that for sure. Thanks.
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    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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  • Profile picture of the author MaxReferrals
    Very text instensive and hard on the eyes were my first impressions. Not to mention the flat, canned looking ecover.

    Unless you've tested already, try going with a sans font, like Arial or Verdana.
    And bust down the page width and also your copy.

    1 to 2 short sentences, 3 max.
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Shouldn't have a period after your headline, because it means stop... Its been proven to lower response.

    Colm
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Scott,

      Two things.

      First, my guess is the majority of people who see your ad don't know what the word "kinetic" means. And that's bad, because apparently it's your hook.

      So instead of "Forget Everything You Think You Know About Internet Marketing" (which is overused anyway), I'd use a dynamic tag line saying what "Kinetic Marketing" is.

      Second, your headline needs work. Even if you just put the word "Discover" at the very beginning, that would help.

      But it needs more than that. For example, the headline doesn't have a benefit. "New Approach" is a feature, not a benefit.

      And the curiosity factor of the headline isn't very compelling.

      Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      what gets you to assuming "newbies" know what PPC is?
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      • Profile picture of the author AndrewCavanagh
        Boring, self absorbed rubbish.

        1. Why is there a cover image at the top of the page.

        I couldn't care less that you have a book for sale until you establish that the book has value for ME.


        2. Headline is garbage...
        "A Mind Blowing New Approach To The Art And Science Of Internet Marketing."

        Be specific with your headline. Exactly what benefit are you delivering.

        Or what relevant interesting story are you going to tell me in the next paragraph.

        This headline doesn't tell me anything specific at all.


        3. If this is your opening line it's not too compelling...

        "If you're brand new to affiliate marketing,"

        If the people arriving at your site haven't specifically searched for a term like "affiliate marketing" and they are brand new to it chances are they don't even know what affiliate marketing is.

        Not the greatest opening.

        Give your prospects a compelling reason to keep reading in that first sentence.

        Use specific facts and figures or lead off with an interesting relevant story.


        4. "You're 80% Less Productive Than You Could Be"

        Means absolutely nothing if I'm a newbie. 80% of nothing is nothing.

        4 times nothing is still nothing.


        5. Lazy copywriting. You've listed the table of contents instead of going through your product paragraph by paragraph and listing bullets and benefits to your prospect.

        You do have a few bullets but really...you need to do the groundwork here.


        Start over really reading your product paragraph by paragraph and writing some serious bullets.

        THEN you should have some insights into what specifically you're actually selling and how it will benefit the people who buy it.

        That will make your copy come to life.

        Kindest regards,
        Andrew Cavanagh
        Signature
        Old School Copy Like This Is BACK & Converting Like Crazy!
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        • Profile picture of the author LeannaLuck
          Wow AC, you don't pull any punches do you? I definitely know who I am going to ask for honest feedback on any writing that I ever do. I like your style though it might be a bit too harsh for some.

          L
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          • Profile picture of the author AndrewCavanagh
            Originally Posted by LeannaLuck View Post

            Wow AC, you don't pull any punches do you? I definitely know who I am going to ask for honest feedback on any writing that I ever do. I like your style though it might be a bit too harsh for some.

            L
            Well he did say: "Tear it to shreds. Your brutal honesty is appreciated."

            That's just asking for it.

            Actually I'm a pussycat.

            You should meet my mother when she's angry!

            Kindest regards,
            Andrew Cavanagh

            P.S. Would you believe that some people actually PAY me to critique their sales pages?

            I think the reason is a bit like the old joke about Jewish divorces...

            "Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?"

            "Because they're worth it!"
            Signature
            Old School Copy Like This Is BACK & Converting Like Crazy!
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    You guys rock, seriously.

    I said "half assed" in my first post, I think I underestimated.

    Andrew, Alex, and everyone else, thank you. That's exactly the ass kicking I needed.

    New sales page is in the works. I sincerely appreciate the input.
    Signature

    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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    • Profile picture of the author Dennis Cheesman
      Hello Scott,

      I had a little time so I slapped this design together for you:
      Kinetic Marketing System

      You are free to use it if you want, if not that is fine

      I have it attached in the zip file below..

      Best regards,
      Dennis Cheesman
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