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Help with Sales Copy on Main Page

by Heidi White
14 replies
I'm not at all happy with my own lame copywriting efforts for the main page of my Facebook application site.

Any ideas for key phrases?

Here are the concepts:

1) Get People to Like Your Fan Pages (i.e. - pay money and we'll get you likes)

2) Get Paid to Like Other Peoples Fan Pages (i.e. - login to free user account, like someone's fan page and get paid)

That's how it works - how can I make that sexy???

Without enough people in Category 1, the profit model doesn't work - but without enough people in Category 2, I can't promise 1000's of likes quickly for people in Category 1.

So - it's got to appeal to both sides of the coin.

Copywriting help needed.

Please see primary page content at: Fanbux Cash : Home


p.s. - what used to be called Become a Fan Club Member is now called, "liking" a fan page - so people track how many 'likes' they get and that's the commodity I'm dealing with.
#copy #main #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
    Well its not really copywriting, its more of just a quick overview of the service.

    It really looks like a legal page, like a Privacy Policy page, spruce it up a little, make it look like there is something to read on it.

    I would think a very flashy, or at least "web 2.0" style graphics, outlaying the whole concept is what you need.

    As you said, this isnt something easily made sexy (at least not for me, as I am not a professional copywriting, some others might be able to help you), so some nice graphics simply and quickly show them what is going on, will do a lot of good. Or even a professionally done video would be good too.

    Also make your headline bigger, and then put subheadline halfway down or so that tells them something that will get them to at least take the time to stop and read it. As I think that may be your problem, getting people to stop and actually read it ...

    ... as I said I was going there to read something, and I actually almost clicked back as I thought you had put a wrong link in. Others will do the same if there isnt anything that jumps out at them and makes them read.

    Good luck.

    Ashley
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    • Profile picture of the author Heidi White
      Thanks Ashley - appreciate your tips.


      Where exactly on my page are you when this happens?

      "... as I said I was going there to read something, and I actually almost clicked back as I thought you had put a wrong link in. Others will do the same if there isnt anything that jumps out at them and makes them read."
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      • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
        Originally Posted by MostlyHarmless View Post

        Thanks Ashley - appreciate your tips.


        Where exactly on my page are you when this happens?

        "... as I said I was going there to read something, and I actually almost clicked back as I thought you had put a wrong link in. Others will do the same if there isnt anything that jumps out at them and makes them read."
        Oh what I meant was that I was going there to read your copy, meaning that I was going there for a specific reason, not browsing or anything, and I still didnt at first know if I was in the right spot. So it was right away, as soon as I landed on the page.

        So someone who is researching about getting paid to "like" other fan pages or getting people to like them will probably be more likely to do the same.

        So essentially I was saying that you need to let people know that they are in the right spot, which is done with a headline. Let your target audience know that they are in the right spot, so they dont click back.

        And your welcome, hopefully someone with a lot more experience comes in and helps you out.

        Ashley
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  • Profile picture of the author Cherilyn Woodhouse
    You really need to dress up the page, and increase the font size (its too small and hard to read.) Get your headline more noticable. Put some bullet points in a larger font somewhere "above the fold" (visible when you first come to the site) to get people interested.

    It could be made sexy - "Make Instant Cash With Facebook, While Getting More Fans to Your Page!" or something similar. Why do catagory A and B need to be different people? Get the people paying for fans to participate, and make cash back by becoming fans for other pages.

    Of course, the whole system is really flawed because by offering an incentive, everyone who pays for fans is just going to get junk fans who don't have any interest in what they're promoting. But that is beside the point.
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    • Profile picture of the author gjurovski
      Banned
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author Heidi White
        ya know - one of the thoughts i had was to create a specific landing page that's not the main site.

        then - i could dress it up to look more interesting and when people are ready to take the next step - THEN - they would go to this functional site.

        And all that white space on the left could be filled with a video tutorial or . . . some other graphics - anything that keeps the page ABOVE THE FOLD....

        Contests - for TOP likers, or most referred new users, etc....
        User tips & updates, etc.

        Just thinking out loud.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Here's a question for you. If you can't get someone to 'like' your offer, how are you going to get anyone to like your client's pages?

    Your appeal is awful. It's redundant, it's loaded with grammatical 'issues' and it doesn't really explain what you do. You go into waaaay too much detail in explaining your service and it gets really confusing. Remember this in marketing and in life in general: A confused mind always says NO!

    Rather than go into the minutia of the pricing just say this: We help you by employing a small surcharge for the service. Nice. Clean. No stupid or long-winded, confusing explanations. People expect to pay for services and a surcharge covers that. End of story.

    Still, clarifying that little bit ain't gonna be enough. If you want a successful offer hire a writer to get this thing in shape. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Heidi White
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Here's a question for you. If you can't get someone to 'like' your offer, how are you going to get anyone to like your client's pages?

      Your appeal is awful. It's redundant, it's loaded with grammatical 'issues' and it doesn't really explain what you do. You go into waaaay too much detail in explaining your service and it get really confusing. Remember this in marketing and in life in general: A confused mind always says NO!

      Rather than go into the minutia of the pricing just say this: We help you by employing a small surcharge for the service. Nice. Clean. No stupid or long-winded, confusing explanations. People expect to pay for services and a surcharge covers that. End of story.

      Still, clarifying that little bit ain't gonna be enough. If you want a successful offer hire a writer to get this thing in shape. Good luck.
      Ouch - Harsh words, but I appreciate them. The copywriter options sounds like a good plan.
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      • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
        Originally Posted by MostlyHarmless View Post

        Ouch - Harsh words, but I appreciate them. The copywriter options sounds like a good plan.
        Listen, dude. The 'ouch' part is never personal, at least when it comes from me. It looks like you might have something but the way it's being presented now, it will never fly. Good luck.
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        • Profile picture of the author Heidi White
          Update: For now, I've stripped out all that pointless copy.

          Until I can get some copywriting / web redesign help - this is hopefully an improvement.

          What do you think?

          FanbuxCash.com : Home
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          • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
            Originally Posted by MostlyHarmless View Post

            Update: For now, I've stripped out all that pointless copy.

            Until I can get some copywriting / web redesign help - this is hopefully an improvement.

            What do you think?

            FanbuxCash.com : Home
            Its a lot better in my opinion. It just has a bit clearer instructions.

            I bet you will get a lot more clickthroughs.

            One thing stuck out at me though ... if you are selling a service that uses facebook, why not get them to Friend you on facebook rather than follow you on twitter?

            You can always ask them to follow you on twitter later. But I think for congruence purposes it would be better to use facebook. Or at least both.

            Looks better though!

            Ashley
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            • Profile picture of the author Heidi White
              Originally Posted by AshleyAA View Post

              Its a lot better in my opinion. It just has a bit clearer instructions.

              I bet you will get a lot more clickthroughs.

              One thing stuck out at me though ... if you are selling a service that uses facebook, why not get them to Friend you on facebook rather than follow you on twitter?

              You can always ask them to follow you on twitter later. But I think for congruence purposes it would be better to use facebook. Or at least both.

              Looks better though!

              Ashley

              Good point! - I'll take the Twitter thing out. Facebook page is still being 'customized'.
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  • Profile picture of the author FiverrGuru
    1. HEADLINE WITH BENEFIT

    2. Here's what I got
    3. Here's what it's gonna do for you
    4. Here's what to do NEXT.

    Your headline says "WELCOME TO FanBux" - get to work!
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Change the formatting to have the buttons side by side instead of one on top of the other.

    I have to tell you... headlines still suck.

    Try this, if your life depended on getting the attention of a online business owner and getting him to click your button -- would you use the headline "Get More Likes For Your Facebook Fanpage"?

    Imagine somebodys got a gun to your head, if your life depends on someone clicking that button, is that the headline your going to use?

    I dont fukking think so. So grab them by the gonads and reel em in.
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  • Profile picture of the author Heidi White
    OK OK - I get it.

    Say the right words or die!
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