Slit My Throat !!!

It looks like you're one of Brett McFall's students, right?

No but I spat some poo out of his software for the first bit.

The rest is not from any software.

You may indeed be correct - all observations are welcome

The product you are trying to sell fits into one of the smaller niches of Martial Arts and probably appeals to a smaller segment of the overall market, which is going to be important for you to identify. So, the question is, where is the traffic coming from, that is, when you have this up and running, how do you bring traffic to it? My opinion is that is going to play a big role in the copy you put up.

A good, no a GREAT study of martial arts type copy can be found at Matt Fuery's sites. Matt is an excellent copywriter who can generate sales and he is "old school" in that he uses magazine ads as part of his direct response business.

You surely are aware of Matt Furey, a MUST study for his copy on his martial arts as well as Phil Elmore and Tony Cecchine, and they would be a good place for you to look at.

Many moons ago I was working for a company that sold hundreds of thousands of copies of a specialty martial arts book, HIKUTA by DOK LEE. Your Iron Palm fits into thatsame little niche category as Hikuta did.

So now my opinion on your copy, just wanted to let you know I am familar with the market and have written some things for it.

Your market is the thug. Guys who want to get drunk and smash skulls. Kill people. Gangs might want to grab a copy.

At least that is what I gather from your current copy. Your drunk buddy got his ass kicked and like the skinny guy at the beach decades ago, he trained for his revenge. NOW he is a deadly killer able to defeat the most trained of the martial artists.

Now this may not be bad, to sell Hikuta, Dok Lee went up against several black belts at the same time with his "soft strike" and was able to win easily over them...of course, just about any street fighter can overpower a black belt in most martial arts, because they "fight dirty", which on the street is the only way to fight.

IF this is the appeal you are going for, IF your market is the skinny guy at the beach with sand kicked in his face, then you have a lot of work to do.

97 days seems like an eternity. Why 97?

I think some of your more powerful statements are buried further down.

Gareth, my suggestion is that you first clearly identify your target, who he is, where he is coming from, what he is searching for online, what are the keywords, what is he buying right now and from whom?

THEN, you can begin to construct your promotion with the kind of copy that gives you the highest chance of success, good luck.

gjabiz (aka known as Judo Jay in my youth)

Thanks gjabiz - everybody knows who matt is.

Yeah I will finish this page then either rewrite it or just farm it out to a couple of different people & see what they produce.

Iron Palm is not a specific style - it is a fundamental conditioning that can be used by all martial arts that employ breaking or striking.

So while there is a narrow niche searching for the search term specifically (20,000 per month), there is a secondary niche of kung fu athletes that will need "Iron Palm" to do their breaking.

Then there is the broad niche of other martial arts that also do breaking so in this sense it has a broad appeal with martial arts as a whole where as some style like .

Anyway I'm ranting...

Yes I need to consider the target market a little better - if I hire some writers I guess its better if I can provide this information.

I did use the question extractor tool from war room to gather intelligence. I have 200 questions related to iron palm. Those I mind mapped into categories.

I plan to create content from that information but it is useful for bullet points also. There are demographic stats on competitor sites and there is information on forums.

Also looking at my page its only the "Roger" section that is a problem ?

If so thats easily replaced.

Update: Roger is kaput - now I will just build the rest of the copy.

Thanks guys.

Well its on hold for a couple of days while I do a university assignment so I'll have it done next week.

Will be back then.

Your sales instinct is pretty good. Your fonts are a bit small, though. Nobody wants to get eyestrain while reading a sales pitch.

You also have some fairly clumsy language in there at points. There are poorly-chosen words, missing puntuation, sentences that trip over themselves, and things like that. These little problems can add up over time and cause somebody to click off your sales page halfway through. What you need in order to resolve that is a thorough copyedit.

You also want to bold your action words, suggestions, benefits, and features rather than only bolding the name of what you're trying to sell. The prospect doesn't really care what it's called - at least not more than they care about what they are going to get out of it.

Basically, what you need is an editor with copywriting experience to do a quick consult/revamp.

Yes thats the plan once I'm done - have someone lined up.

I just did the first set of bullet points and am ready to add value now with two bonus sections.

So in all the page is about half done at present.

PS: Its 3am & I aint sleeping tonight. Hmmm I need to replace those features with benefits in my bullet points

Hey guys I have added the first bonus book & a bunch of bullet points.

I have a second bonus book but wont go heavy on the bullets for that.

I will also include a screen shot of inside the first book and add that to that section as it will have nicely done illustrations inside.

Then its discount, guarantee, close etc

He hee good points.

I've been adding a little everyday - am down to the close & guarantee now.

However this sales page will be passed on to a pro or two for reworking before I launch.

Yeah...that would be terrific. Do you get extra points for brain damage or putting them in a wheelchair the rest of their lives? And what if they have a family? Do you get credit points for depriving children of their father? That would be cool.


I can't wait to get into this and then go into one of your Kiwi motorcycle taverns and pick a fight with a giant Maori biker. I might even kill the *******. Wouldn't that be great.

I have to tell you, that made me laugh like hell. Your headline mixed with that first sentence was very funny.

In fact I may borrow that sentence for my signature

I can't wait to get into this and then go into one of your Kiwi motorcycle taverns and pick a fight with a giant Maori biker. I might even kill the *******. Wouldn't that be great.


Ideal customer ;-)

Your price seems high, especially when combined with the lack of proof and credibility.

Yeah I have found a guy who is a world champion martial arts breaker Rick Faraci

He's done many movies like with van damme etc - I found out he moved to New Zealand so contacted him on Facebook

We will meet up in a couple of weeks & I'll see if I can do a deal and get a testimonial.

Rick breaks 500 lb blocks of ice with his forearms. So he can check the book out.

There is also a local guy that trained a world K1 champion and many other top kickboxers.

I agree it needs testimonials. It also needs a total rewrite by a pro which will be coming shortly I hope.

My next book is on weight vest training & by years end I hope to have several martial arts and bodybuilding titles.

I know we're supposed to be non-judgemental (value-free) and all that nowadays but I can't pass this by without saying that some of your approach really bothers me...

"Skull crushing..."

"Deadliest striking skill..."

"Kill an attacker... how would you feel if you could do this?"

Listen, I'm no shrinking violet. I've trained in various martial arts since 1982 and if I killed an attacker in self-defense that's his (99% of the time) problem.

But how would I feel? I'd feel terrible about any loss of life, even that of a scumbag.

To be sure, martial arts are about violence but "crushing skulls" is not a training objective.

I'm sure that you and the market you're targetting could care less about my values and so be it. But from a marketing perspective I think that my values are "mainstream" in martial arts and this copy is alienating to people like me.

Maybe you would do better targetting us and not wannabe killers? I could be interested if presented in a different way.

Maybe I'm taking this too seriously but there are lots of young people who may be influenced by this sort of thing.

That screams "BORING" to me.

Really. I want honest hype & excitement. Take a look at Hollywood.

Violence & excitement make $$, really my sales page is lame and boring.

It needs more gore and guts & some testimonials. Iron Palm is a military skill developed for killing.

I have done it everyday for six months now & will start testing it out doing breaks soon.

I definitely do not want a "mainstream" sales page - no disrespect. Really there is no way to know what will make more sales without testing.

Another thing Iron palm is training to do breaks - its the most effective method.

Doing breaks is a part of most martial arts, kung fu, karate, tae kwon do etc so the product has a broad but segmented and very biased market.

So really a single page will not sell to the entire market effectively.

I'm writing this page with the folks searching for "Iron Palm" in mind.

I will need different sales pages to target Muay Thai fighters, Karate, Taekwondo etc & to convince mainstream martial artists too.

So I may end up with 4-5 sales pages driving different market segments to each. All without having to splinter the actual product.

I hope this makes sense to you - it does to me.

Perry Belcher did a whole course on "product splintering" as he called it & it makes a great deal of sense. But as my book has broad appeal I will just splinter the marketing.

It can all still be on the same website - just a different sales page for each market segment - including the mainstream.

But people searching specifically for "Iron Palm" are not mainstream martial artists.

PS: sorry for ranting

UM but I like ranting...

So my segments will be:

People searching for "Iron Palm" (who all know its for smashing heads in)

People that do...

karate

Kung Fu (wing Chun etc)

taekwondo

muay thai

Black Belt students

and thats it - I wont target main stream with this product as not all martial artists want to learn how to break.

But all in those segments must learn how to break or want to. So it will need a separate page for each

END OF RANT.

Thats why I'm gunna pay someone to fix it up or write a whole different page.

Also I think just having 10-15 decent testimonials will alter the tone of the whole thing