Sales Letter for my offline business - Is it ready to mail?

15 replies
I am starting up a new high end membership program for my auto repair business. The last few weeks have been spent polishing up my sales letter and I would love some expert eyes to check it over for me.

I have very thick skin so if you find a lot of issues with it please tell it like it is. I only care that my customers will respond favorably to my offer.

My customers are primarily women with decent family incomes who are very loyal to my shop. This letter is only being sent to my top 20% best customers.

What do you think???



How a common quick lube mistake just made car care better, faster, cheaper and easier for you.


You are receiving this letter for two reasons. I want to thank you for helping us achieve an important anniversary and I have a huge announcement that is going to transform the way you think about car care.

On July, 11 2010 Everest AutoWorks will be 5 years old! This is a significant milestone for our business. You, our loyal customer, have been the single most important part of our journey. Thank you so much for trusting us to take care of you over the years. We have met so many wonderful people and have been able to help thousands of customers take better care of their vehicles over the last 5 years.

From day one our primary goal at Everest has been to provide honest and reliable car care for women and their families. By voting us the number one auto repair shop in Delaware we believe our customers appreciate our fair and honest service and high quality work.

Car care is our passion in life and your loyalty allows us to do what we love every day. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for letting us keep your vehicle safe and reliable.

Sadly, a handful of my customers have had some pretty horrifying experiences at various quick lubes over the years. It is upsetting to think that years of meticulous car care can go down the drain in the blink of an eye. Most of our major engine replacement jobs immediately follow a visit to a quick lube. The reason this happens is simple: giving a teenager a wrench and telling him to do an oil change as quickly as possible is a recipe for disaster. This unfortunate scenario leads to common mistakes like loose drain plugs, forgetting to refill the oil or, believe it or not, forgetting to drain the old oil and adding 5 additional quarts of oil to the engine!

My last customer to be devastated by a chance visit to a quick lube said something that really opened my eyes to the way I approach car care. She essentially blamed me (somewhat lightheartedly) for not making it impossible for her to take her vehicle to another shop. Her exact words were "You need to figure out a way to make it impossible for me to even think about having my car serviced someplace else." Her statement hit me like a slap in the face. It was the good kind of slap to the face that wakes you up and changes your perspective on things.

I accepted my customers challenge to find a way to make it impossible for my customers to consider going else where for automotive service. And this is what I came up with...

Without further ado I introduce you to the most exciting thing I have been involved with since Tonya and I opened our shop with you 5 years ago:
Elite Car Care 2.0.
This is an invitation only and all inclusive car care annual membership that takes the old slogan "Membership has its Privledges" and cranks it up to 11! Here are the benefits that Elite Car Care 2.0 Members will receive:

Features and Benefits for Elite Car Care 2.0 Members
All inclusive car care - from now on ALL maintenance, ALL repairs, ALL diagnostics and ALL towing are included AT NO FURTHER COST TO YOU!
INCLUDED: all oil changes (regular or synthetic), all system flushes, major tune-ups, timing belts, tire rotations, alignments, AC recharges and even wiper blades.
INCLUDED: wear and tear items such as brakes, tires (yes I said tires!), batteries, drive belts and clutches.
INCLUDED: all repairs such as blown radiators, leaking water pumps, power window motors and regulators, seized AC compressors, dead alternators or starters, bad power steering pumps, loose ball joints, sloppy hub bearings, etc., etc., etc.
INCLUDED: check engine light diagnostics, ABS and air bag system diagnostics, and electrical diagnostics.
INCLUDED: towing service within 10 miles of the shop.

Elite Car Care 2.0 Members will:
Save Money: average savings of almost 20% off normal car care expenses.
Easily Budget: know exactly how much you will spend on their vehicle every year.
Worry Less: stop stressing about that strange noise under the hood or that pesky check engine light because members get it diagnosed and fixed for no extra charge.
Save Time: 3 visits per year and all your vehicles needs will be taken care of AUTOMATICALLY!
Be Better Prepared: Should something unexpected happen to your vehicle Everest will take care of it quickly and painlessly at NO FURTHER COST!
Increase Value: perfectly maintained and repaired vehicles are worth more and are easier to sell.
Exclusivity: Only select Everest customers are eligible for this membership. This is an INVITATION ONLY program.

Right now you are probably wondering how much a membership like this will cost you and this is the part I am most excited about! Elite Car Care 2.0 Members will pay one annual membership fee per vehicle and THAT'S IT!
Domestic/Asian Vehicles: $995 annual dues per enrolled vehicle
European Vehicles: $1395 annual dues per enrolled vehicle
For the price of 2-3 car payments a year members can take perfect care of their vehicles and be prepared for just about any surprise.

This offer is being extended to 600 hand picked customers but because this concept is so new we are limiting initial enrollment to only 200 members. Each customer was selected based on their loyalty to our shop over the years and their personal interest in taking good care of their vehicles. A program like this cannot work if its' members don't see the value of proper car care.

This plan covers so much that it would actually be easier to simply tell you what it does not cover.
Exclusions are:
Replacement or overhaul of engines, transmissions, front and rear differentials, transfer cases or any self inflicted damage to your vehicle such as damaged side view mirrors, bent rims or tire blowouts caused by careless driving. Manufacturer warranted work and any recall work is excluded from the program. Dealer only work such as key reprogramming or security system issues or any work Everest is not equipped to perform is also excluded.

Finally, the plan covers any repair job up to 5 labor hours. Any job requiring more than 5 labor hours the customer is responsible for labor time exceeding 5 hours. For example if a job calls for 6 labor hours to complete the member would be responsible for 1 hour of labor because the first 5 hours are covered under the membership. Essentially this package includes all of your maintenance, standard repairs and diagnostic needs.

Here is an example of how your membership will work for you: when you bring your vehicle in for its normal oil change service you inform us about a high pitched noise coming from the engine bay. Everest will perform the same high quality oil change and inspection on your vehicle and at the same time will diagnose the cause of the abnormal noise you were hearing. Let’s say we notice your 'Check Engine' light is on but you forgot to mention it to us. The technician will also diagnose the cause of your 'Check Engine' light and he will report all his recommendations to the service writer. We will then locate and order all the parts necessary to address the noise you heard and the cause of your 'Check Engine' light. Once the parts arrive everything will be installed and you will be called when the vehicle is ready for pickup. All work performed will be documented on your invoice just like always the only difference is you won’t have to pay a penny when you pick up the vehicle. You have essentially already paid for everything with your membership fee. This is how every visit will play out from now on. Everest AutoWorks will proactively service your vehicle and provide everything it needs every time it needs it.

Your Elite Car Care 2.0 membership is just like an all-inclusive vacation for you and your family. These vacations save you money, stress and time by including all your airfare, lodging, food, drinks and entertainment during your stay. You pay one price and get everything included at no additional cost to you. Elite Car Care 2.0 is like a 12 month all-inclusive vacation for your vehicle and you will reap all the benefits of membership!

To summarize this letter here is what I am offering you today. I have come up with an elite membership for select Everest customers that is designed to help members save money and time, reduce stress, increase the value and dependability of their vehicle and drastically improve their car care experience for life. Once members get used to the all-inclusive car care experience there is very little chance they will ever step foot in any other auto repair facility. In fact my goal is to spoil members with such an easy, inexpensive and stress free way of taking care of their vehicle that they will remain members for as long as they can physically drive an automobile.

Only 200 spots are available and we expect interest in this membership to be very high. Memberships will be issued on a first come first served basis. Please read the instructions for signing up and reserve your spot as soon as you can. In the interest of fairness all 600 letters were mailed at the same time on the same day.

DO NOT WORRY if your membership request is too late or you have no interest in joining. Everest will still provide the same honest and dependable car care for you that we always have. Non-members will not be treated any differently than they already are. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AN ELITE CAR CARE 2.0 MEMBER TO CONTINUE HAVING YOUR VEHICLE SERVICED AT EVEREST.



FAQ's
How do I enroll and become a member of the Elite Car Care 2.0 program?
Simply fill out the enclosed enrollment form and mail or fax the form to us as quickly as you can. You can also e-mail us at everestauto@comcast.net and ask to be enrolled in the program. If you elect to e-mail us please DO NOT include any credit card information. For security purposes we would prefer to call you and get payment information.
Please do not call the shop to enroll in the program! But feel free to call or e-mail us with any questions.

Why haven't I heard of this type of all-inclusive car care program before?
In researching this idea and concept I was shocked to find that no other repair shop anywhere in the country is doing something like this. I did speak to a shop owner in Canada who after 12 years changed over his entire business to a similar members only program. He confided in me that his customers and his employees love the program. He has run this membership model exclusively for the last 3 years and would never go back to the old way of doing things.
I am a firm believer that in business if something makes sense then you do it. I spent several months researching this concept, talked to dozens of shop owners all around the country, shared with over 100 friends and customers and I presented this idea to a handful of auto repair industry guru's. The response has been very favorable to the concept - especially from customers which is what I care about the most.
So after lots of time, research and prayer I've decided to roll this program out to a select few customers and see how they really like it. This program is a win-win for my customers and for my business.

Are membership dues paid annually or monthly?
For this program to work all membership dues are to be paid at the outset of coverage. Because you are essentially prepaying for your car care the annual dues must be paid up front.

This membership sounds too good to be true. What is the catch?
There is no catch. This program is designed to make car care easier and less expensive for you. Everest is able to reduce marketing expenses, improve inventory control and, most importantly, eliminate the need for creating estimates and waiting on job approvals which is a huge bottleneck to our shop's productivity. The bottom line is this program is better for our customers and the shop.
Please be aware that not every vehicle needs $995 worth of care every year. One year your vehicle may need $1800 worth of work but the next year it only needs $600 worth of work. It is impossible to know when a vehicle will require an unexpected repair. This plan makes it simple to budget for all your car care needs each year.

How do I know this program makes sense for me?
This program makes sense for the majority of Everest customers. However, for people who drive a brand new vehicle with well under 30,000 miles or people that drive less than 6,000 miles per year this program may be overkill. The Elite Car Care 2.0 membership will not be made available to anyone with a history of poor car care habits.

What else do I get with my Elite Car Care 2.0 membership?
The first 200 people to enroll in this program will receive an exclusive membership package that contains a membership sticker for your rear window, a members only key chain, a contract outlining your benefits in more detail and (if I can make it happen in time) a very special surprise.

What was wrong with the lady's vehicle after her last visit to the quick lube?
Her engine stopped running about 10 miles after getting her oil changed. She called the quick lube but they said they couldn't look at her problem until the next day. It was a Sunday and we were closed but she had her vehicle towed to Everest so we could look at the issue on Monday.
The first thing we did was check her dipstick. She had 9 quarts of oil in her crankcase! The tech at the quick lube forgot to drain her old oil and added 5 quarts of oil to her engine. This scenario forced oil passed her piston rings and valve seals and filled her cylinders with oil so the engine would not run.
She spent countless hours on the phone with the quick lube trying to get them to authorize Everest to install a new engine. In the end Everest was authorized to install a new engine for her. The quick lube payed for the majority of the job. The customer ended up paying for a car rental for 2 weeks and had to pay close to $1,000 dollars that the quick lube refused to pay. She elected not to pursue legal action.
When this happens to someone it is a horrifyingly stressful and expensive lesson to learn.
I am proud to say that Everest has performed over 5,000 oil changes over the last 5 years and not a single engine has been damaged due to technician negligence.

If I still have questions how do I get answers?
Call the shop at 302-737-8424 during business hours and we will answer any remaining questions.
#business #letter #mail #offline #ready #sales
  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Needs to be about 1/4 the size you have it. You can cut quite a bit. Remember you are interrupting the persons day so get to the point REALLY FAST! What are you doing for them. As an example, you can cut the first four paragraphs and the first word of the fifth ("sadly") and not change one bit of the meaning of the letter. Have to remember its about them, not you.

    No one would read the whole letter to get to the point, which I think is you are selling something that is better than going to jiffy lube.

    Also, you are giving them features instead of benefits. Example: "INCLUDED: check engine light diagnostics, ABS and air bag system diagnostics, and electrical diagnostics."

    So what?

    "Get that annoying check engine light off your dashboard and off your mind...blink blink!"

    They would pay for that, not a diagnostic.

    You'll get the idea from what I have above.
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Paul's impressions were same as mine.

    If I were you, I would begin to think of a typical customer. What stories have they told you that your service would have solved. For example, my daughter has a check engine light on her neon all the time. I know it is not a major issue but it just annoys her to death that she doesnt know what it means or why it's on. I once heard a good explanation from a Canadian Tire autotech. He said, remember all the lawsuits from the car that would explode from if it was hit from behind? The customer would say sure. He would then say that the light is a reminder of those days. Made sense. Usually not a major issue.

    I could make a business of that one thing alone (turning off the engine light). None of them care if their engine needs a diagnosis or possible emissions problems, all they want is that damn light off.

    Go at each problem you are solving for them with this angle. Think of story from a customer, tell it (very SHORT) and how your service can solve.
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    It's way too long and it's pretty boring. Your headline needs to be qualified right up front. You don't bother mentioning the 'quick lube mistake' stuff until the 5th paragraph. Very few people will read that far.

    Then you go into waaaaaay too much detail about screw-ups at the oil and lube places. You can make this point very well in two or three sentences. I'd suggest making this a two-part piece. The first should be a brief 'thank you four your loyal business' letter. Then go briefly into oil and lube screw-ups (the problem) and then the solution, your membership.

    Then include a well-written color brochure explaining the membership stuff. If you do this well you should get a bunch of customers. Strongly consider hiring a copywriter. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author DaveHughes
      I agree with the above. It seems this has a bad case of "tell them," when you should be "showing them". A case in point:

      To summarize this letter here is what I am offering you today. I have come up with an elite membership for select Everest customers that is designed to help members save money and time, reduce stress, increase the value and dependability of their vehicle and drastically improve their car care experience for life.
      You start this paragraph by telling them you're going to summarize the long letter above. First off, this information should (at least) be closer to the top of the copy, possibly in the form of bullet points to grab their attention.

      But also, you never really hit any emotional buttons. As Paul and RentIt said above, they don't want "state-of-the-art diagnostics performed on cutting-edge computerized equipment by highly trained knowledgeable, friendly staff with over eighty years combined experience" (That's not in your letter, but those are some overused concepts and phrases that every business owner thinks they MUST have in their copy...and they don't sell SQUAT)...what they want is the damn check engine light off, or convienence or an easy solution to a persistent problem/aggravation, or...you get the idea.

      I never can remember who said it (it may have been Dan Kennedy), but people don't buy a hammer and nails...they buy their grandkid's picture hanging on their living room wall.

      Take what your customer told you that your copy says made you come up with this idea, but apply that line of thought to what you're writing...if they don't buy into your continuity program, it's your fault because you didn't make it impossible for them NOT to. And unfortunately, nothing there really makes it impossible to say "no". Heck, they don't even know what they're saying yes or no to until halfway down the letter. Despite what you may think, the average customer doesn't give two hoots in the holler who you are or what you do...they care about themselves.

      I agree with Paul/RentIt...find someone to help you with this one, because a continuity program can be a very nice revenue stream...as long as you have people buying it.
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      • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
        For a non-copywriter I think you've done a reasonable job.

        However...

        - Use a grabber
        - Don't start by talking about you, talk about them. It started getting better on the paragraph beginning with 'Sadly'.
        - Don't get rid of the details about the lights, ABS etc. Get as much in there and be specific about what you do.
        - Perhaps a diagram explaining the process, or something to break it up visually might help
        - Your headline doesn't roll off the tongue
        - Make an even better offer for the first 200
        - Make a bigger deal of the story of the customer who had a problem with the other company
        - Make the offer irresistable and very clear
        - Pick out a customer and write it as if you were writing to that person and that person only. It comes across as a bulk mailed item, but needs to come across as something you sat down and wrote to one person only.

        The other big one here is to TEST. If you send it to 200 and it flops then you're in trouble. You could even try a hand-written letter (there's software around to do this).

        I know a business consultant who specialises in this field. PM me if you want more details. He'd charge you but you'll make it back many times over.
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        Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
    It's great that you have so much enthusiasm for your business. Really. But your customers don't share that enthusiasm. (They're enthusiastic about their own business or career -- not yours.)

    Your letter would be immediately improved if you essentially just hacked off the first seven paragraphs. It's all wind-up, but no pitch. (A common beginner mistake.)

    You also need to make the rest of the letter more concise. In other words... get to the point. There's a very old saying in advertising...

    "Tell me quick and tell me true, or else, my dear, the hell with you."

    Your customers don't care about you or your business -- only what's in it for them. So focus on that.

    Regards,

    John
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    • Profile picture of the author cporter88
      Wow. Thanks for all of the awesome feedback. I could not agree more that I need to use a copywriter. Sadly I have hired and fired 2 copywriters because they were extremely unreliable and the copy did little to impress me. So I decided to try myself.

      I will spend most of my holiday weekend rewriting this letter and will repost it when it is finished.

      Expect the new letter to be significantly different.

      Have a great holiday everyone!

      Christian
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        • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
          I read it without looking at the responses first. I don't like to prejudice myself. Then I read RentItNow's response and thought, "That's exactly what I would have written." So there is no need to go further with those comments other than to say, do it. Kill the first 4 paragraphs. Stay tuned to radio station WIIFM "What's In It For Me".

          I will make one comment I haven't seen. Your price justification is terrible.

          "For the price of 2-3 car payments a year members can take perfect care of their vehicles and be prepared for just about any surprise."

          Ouch! That sounds like a lot of money to me. Remember, people buy cars based on "How much a month is it?" That's because that is all they can afford to pay. So you don't want to double or triple that number and act like its a bargain.

          Break it down another way, and do it before you hit them with the big number, for example:

          $995 a year is $2.73 a day. You can work with that number like:

          For less than you pay for your morning Starbucks coffee each day, you know...

          Or take a completely different approach:
          995 / 12000 miles a year is 8 cents per mile *be sure to mention somewhere this is based on 12000 miles

          For about 8 cents per mile, your car is covered...

          Or another approach:

          The average repair bill for a blown engine due to loss of oil pressure is $4,950. And this doesn't include the tow, rental car, missed work and the hassle. For 5X less than that...
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          • Profile picture of the author Collette
            Chiming in from a (car-owning) woman's perspective:

            This letter is - to me - clearly written by a man. How do I know this?

            All the focus on the technical aspects. Most women I know don't want to think about how their car runs; they just want it to run, trouble-free.

            They don't want to think about "Hmmm, when did I last check the oil/power steering/brake fluid/tire pressure?", and they'd love it if someone else would just do it for them. They don't want to know from differential to drive shaft. They just wanna know they won't break down at night on some deserted road.

            They want to get in the car, turn the key, and drive the thing to where they want to go.

            Fact is, most women (yes, there are exceptions) are not really interested in how you do 'it' step-by-step. They'd rather you just do 'it', so they can get on with their life.

            So: Cut to the chase already.

            Why would I - a woman - want to take you up on this offer? What, really, are you offering me? (hint: It's not 'maintenence'. It's what maintenance does for me.)

            How am I going to justify the purchase to my friends/thinks-of-himself-as-but-never-actually-DIY-husband?

            How does doing all of the above make me a smarter, more competent woman/wife/mother?

            If you're trying to hit up women in particular, you have to think like one. At least for the duration of this letter. :p
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            • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
              Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan View Post

              Just cut the sh-t and talk to me like I am a women who
              just got home from work and wondering why I am holding
              your letter. You want her to think about her car breaking
              down and what she will have to go through.
              That's some darn good advice right there.

              I love that point...

              Use the fear of loss.

              It's a powerful selling tool. She's got a lot riding on
              the fact that her car will start in the morning...

              ... when she's got that important meeting at work,
              .... or when she's got a million things to do on her day off
              ...... or when she's promised the kids a special day out

              Think = emotions, real life applications, benefits.

              As Collete just mentioned - she don't care about the
              nuts and bolts. She don't care about you or your
              business either.

              She doesn't even care about her car... unless it
              breaks down or starts costing her too much money.

              There's so many ways you could take this, but I
              would start with the repeated advice here, which
              is to trim it down by about 75% and start focusing
              on what she wants to hear.
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              • Profile picture of the author wordwizard
                Excellent advice all around, and Collette really nailed it.

                Being a woman too, I totally agree.

                I'd address what women want (or rather hope to avoid) right up front.

                From the fear of getting stranded in the middle of nowhere at night to
                the dread of huge and unpredictable repair bills.

                Then introduce the offer to help prevent both.

                I'd also consider other payment options, including a monthly subscription service,
                sort of like a health club...

                A health club for the car, so to speak.

                Of course, this is only a good deal if the car's warranty has expired...

                I remember how happy I was when I bought a new car quite a few years back for the first and only time so far (all my other cars I bought used), and realized that for three years ALL repairs were covered.

                Anyway, good luck with the rewrite!

                Elisabeth
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                • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                  Ok, here's the premise for this letter:

                  1. While it doesn't specifically state, there are certain words that will trigger a woman's perspective.

                  2. In this economy, people are a lot less likely to pre-pay for services unneeded in the present moment unless they have to. There's less discretionary income.

                  3. To counteract, this letter is written to the affluent car owner. One who can afford to pre-pay for services. You want to cater to them.

                  4. The PS is designed to get them in the shop so you can personally talk to them.

                  5. Last thing: I know you advocating using sales letter. But one of the best marketing devices for auto mechanics and other local businesses are door hangers.

                  ------------------------------

                  Dear [name],

                  Tonya and I have been thinking a lot about you lately. About you and your car. Your 2005 Lexus LS430.

                  I know how much you love your car and how much it means to you. It's your baby.

                  And while we've worked your pride and joy in the past, (and we're appreciative for the opportunity,) we've have been recently wracking our brains, trying figure how to create more value and benefit for you.

                  One of our other Clients, she gifted us the answer. She was a blessing. And we're running with it.

                  In her words, she said "You need to make it impossible for me to do business with anyone else."

                  So we've created a special program just for people like you. Those that love their cars and want them in tip top shape at all times.

                  We're calling it Elite Care 2.0.

                  Elite Care 2.0 is not "a one size fits all" type program. Meaning, it's not for everyone. It's designed for discriminating car owners. People who are almost "obsessive compulsive" about their cars. They're ultra-meticulous.

                  These are car owners who get their car washed and waxed religiously. And detailed at least every six months. Inside and out.

                  But we want to take it one, two, maybe three steps farther. Here's what we want to do for you...

                  [list all the cool features and benefits]

                  Bottom line you'll get the service and attention to detail, you've always wanted and what we're known for--at a tremendous discount off our normal pricing. It will make you and your bank account smile.

                  Everything will be tracked and managed.

                  The best part? We'll always be here for you whenever you need us and you'll be given top priority.

                  It will be almost like a personal concierge service, where you and your car can finally get the attention, value and quality you desire and deserve.

                  By the way--in our database, we have almost 1000 cars we've worked on in the last 5 years. (Our five year anniversary is coming up!) Of them, this letter is only being sent to 100 car owners like you.

                  In our book, you're in the top 10%. And we think this program would be perfect for you.

                  Call us right away, assuming you think it is right for your car. Because once we fill up, you won't be able to get in unless someone else drops out. Because we are a rather small boutique car service, we can only provide this level of service to so many.

                  We look forward to seeing you soon.

                  Sincerely,

                  Tonya and me.

                  PS: Feel free to stop in sometime and have a cup of coffee on us. Let us know if you have any additional questions about the program or if there's something else we can do for you.

                  By the way, last time we checked your car out, it was June 2009 and it had 22,000 miles. It's overdue for a quick review. C'mon in when you have a moment. It's on us.

                  ---------------------------------
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                  • Profile picture of the author cporter88
                    This is outstanding Rick! I am neck deep in my re-write but I will definitely incorporate some elements of your letter in my new version.
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  • Profile picture of the author seolytics
    Wow the members here are so helpful - some great advice!
    10/10 members...
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