First copy writing job

14 years ago

Did you get any response? there are plenty of good programs online to help you. I am newbie myself and wish you success.

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Paul Hancox

14 years ago

Hi Michael

My impression was, the copy is quite good for a first copywriting job. I spotted some things you might want to consider...

* The headline is perhaps too long. The entire first page is taken up with the headline, meaning the visitor has to scroll down just to get to the copy.

* The following doesn't make sense to me...

Why is it that more than 97% of 'foreigners' fail to pick up an authentic British accent-regardless if they work on it or not...?

This does not match up with...

Maybe it is because they have access to TOP dialect coaches, who charge astronomical amounts of money, often unaffordable to 'normal' people?

YES!

Are you saying 97% of foreigners fail to pick up an authentic British accent because they have access to top dialect coaches? That doesn't sound right.

* Those accents died in the 60ies!

This should be... These accents died in the 60s (or 60's)

* You did a nice job at emphasizing the weaknesses of the competition, in my opinion.

* The following sounds way too long and repetitive:

Now you can have ALL of this specially compiled knowledge that you can't get anywhere else in this form in a compact, concentrated 45 min programme teaches you ALL you need to know about how learn to speak with a modern British accent and gives you the tools you need to practise and rapidly improve your British accent in a compact 45 minute programme.

Try reading that back, out loud. Edit, edit, edit!

* The "everything you need to know" bullet point section could be improved a LOT, in my opinion.

For example, you said:

Tons of secret tricks to help you master the sounds of the British accent in record time- never before accessible for the public

OK, but why not tease them even more... perhaps by revealing part of these secret tricks, and the specific benefits each trick will bring.

Also, some of them could be fear-based, i.e. "without this SIMPLE trick, you'll come across as someone still struggling with the English language"... something like that.

I definitely think you could strengthen the copy with bullet points that effectively grab 'em by the collar and say, "Look what could be yours if you get this... but look what you'll be missing out on if you DON'T get this... bwahahaha"

(Obviously, you don't want to use the evil laugh in your copy

)

Also, I would strongly recommend the product owner gets some sort of product cover made... just to make it look more substantial. Keep in mind he's asking $40 for a 45 minute... um...

... actually, what is it? A video? Audio? I know I read it in there somewhere, but reading it back, I couldn't find WHAT the product was... you may want to clarify this near the order button.

Just a few thoughts... I hope they helped.

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michaelv03 14 years ago

Thanks very much Paul Hancox. I will definitely take these tips o board. I appreciate your help very, very much!!!
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RickDuris

14 years ago

Originally Posted by michaelv03

Hello, fellow marketers.

I have just finished my first copy writing job (selling a good friend's product) and I think it's not too shabby. Please check it out and let me know what could be improved (graphics are still to be added!!)

I VERY greatly appreciate constructive criticism:

It is britishaccent d o t co d o t uk

It's damn good for a first effort. Assuming this is all your work, you have "the gift."

I'll have more thoughts later, but you should be proud.

Cheers,

- Rick Duris

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Ross Bowring

14 years ago

I also think it's a great first effort.

I do think you could mythologize around the British accent being known for attracting women. That there's a certain suaveness... charm and sophistication to a man whose British-ism exudes off his tongue like fine Sterling Silver.

Exhibit A: Matt O'Conner.

You also have a bunch of arrows shooting in different directions with this product. Actors and actresses... immigrants feeling like outsiders... people who want to master it to impress their pals... that's a wide target. And the scattershot doesn't hit with the pin-point thud you need.

To hear that thud 3 or more separate letters may be in order. Sorry to be the teacher who prescribes extra homework but I think your results will be better for it.

--- Ross

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BrianMcLeod

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ross Bowring

there's a certain suaveness... charm and sophistication to a man whose British-ism exudes off his tongue like fine Sterling Silver.

Exhibit A: Matt O'Conner.

"The name's O'Conner... MATT O'Conner..."

: )

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Rezbi 14 years ago

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

"The name's O'Conner... MATT O'Conner..."

: )

Who? Never heard of him.
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michaelv03

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ross Bowring

I also think it's a great first effort.

I do think you could mythologize around the British accent being known for attracting women. That there's a certain suaveness... charm and sophistication to a man whose British-ism exudes off his tongue like fine Sterling Silver.

Exhibit A: Matt O'Conner.

You also have a bunch of arrows shooting in different directions with this product. Actors and actresses... immigrants feeling like outsiders... people who want to master it to impress their pals... that's a wide target. And the scattershot doesn't hit with the pin-point thud you need.

To hear that thud 3 or more separate letters may be in order. Sorry to be the teacher who prescribes extra homework but I think your results will be better for it.

--- Ross

Thank you very much Ross. Great advice. I suppose I was trying to market this to all the groups of people that could really benefit from this product, hence the 'shooting in different directions'. You wrote 'To hear that thud 3 or more separate letters may be in order.' What did you mean by that exactly. Could you explain in more detail please. Thanks.

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Ross Bowring

14 years ago

Originally Posted by michaelv03

Thank you very much Ross. Great advice. I suppose I was trying to market this to all the groups of people that could really benefit from this product, hence the 'shooting in different directions'. You wrote 'To hear that thud 3 or more separate letters may be in order.' What did you mean by that exactly. Could you explain in more detail please. Thanks.

Hey Michael, sorry if I wasn't clear.

I just mean that it might be a wise move to write a separate letter to each portion of your market. A letter solely aimed at thespians... one solely aimed at immigrants, etc.

Again, great effort for your first time.

--- Ross

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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ross Bowring

Hey Michael, sorry if I wasn't clear.

I just mean that it might be a wise move to write a separate letter to each portion of your market. A letter solely aimed at thespians... one solely aimed at immigrants, etc.

Again, great effort for your first time.

--- Ross

Ross has a good point... and I'd like to add to it.

Now... I haven't done extensive market research here.

But I'm guessing anyone who buys this product does so because they want to fit in.

That's the pain button... feeling outcast... being treated like an "outsider"... having people act like there's something wrong with you.

Plus... the fear of looking like a poser when you speak with an "almost there" accent.

I'm not sure how big your thespian market is... but I'm betting it's not the majority of buyers (largely because there are far more immigrants than actors and also because it's a much more desperate problem for immigrants).

So #1... drop the references to actors. If they really are a big part of the market, they deserve a separate page like Ross said... though I'm dubious of the reward for that.

Personally, I think you could hammer your credibility (former or current Hollywood voice coach) a LOT more... make people understand why this course is so much better than anything else out there.

There's other stuff, of course... but it's a great effort.

Just some food for thought.

-Dan

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michaelv03

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Ross has a good point... and I'd like to add to it.

Now... I haven't done extensive market research here.

But I'm guessing anyone who buys this product does so because they want to fit in.

That's the pain button... feeling outcast... being treated like an "outsider"... having people act like there's something wrong with you.

Plus... the fear of looking like a poser when you speak with an "almost there" accent.

I'm not sure how big your thespian market is... but I'm betting it's not the majority of buyers (largely because there are far more immigrants than actors and also because it's a much more desperate problem for immigrants).

So #1... drop the references to actors. If they really are a big part of the market, they deserve a separate page like Ross said... though I'm dubious of the reward for that.

Personally, I think you could hammer your credibility (former or current Hollywood voice coach) a LOT more... make people understand why this course is so much better than anything else out there.

There's other stuff, of course... but it's a great effort.

Just some food for thought.

-Dan

Hi Dan,
Great advice, I think you are absolutely right and I will make those changes asap. Thanks, again.

Thanks

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michaelv03

14 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

It's damn good for a first effort. Assuming this is all your work, you have "the gift."

I'll have more thoughts later, but you should be proud.

Cheers,

- Rick Duris

Rick, thanks very much for your kind compliments!!! This means a lot to me.

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Rezbi

14 years ago

LEARN HOW TO SPEAK WITH A BRITISH ACCENT- FAST!

I like that - direct and to the point.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Why not kick off with a "British accent" in the head? Something like

"I say old chap...Now you can speak the Queen's English in no time flat...

LEARN HOW TO SPEAK WITH A PROPER BRITISH ACCENT!

Top Dialect Coach reveals all the secret tricks he's taught Top Hollywood and Broadway actors to acquire perfect British accents!

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Dan Axelrod

14 years ago

My thoughts:

Quite good for a first try!

Let me give you some feedback for you to make it even stronger...

DESIGN:

I know you were thinking about copy here more than design, but visual image is important, to a degree. I would have a web designer (no one fancy), clean this up for you. The page looks a little too amateurishly put together. Maybe even a change of template could help.

HEADLINE:

"Learn How To Speak With A British Accent - Fast"

It's direct and to the point, but I think it could be even better. I really like that it's blatantly obvious what you're selling, but why not hammer on the benefits a little more.

(Note: I skimmed a lot of the copy, so please excuse if I'm mistaken on any points)

My question to you: How fast is "Fast?" Is it 3 weeks? 3 days?

If it's an impressively short time period, then feature that in the headline.

"Learn To Speak With a British Accent In 3 Days!"

Does that sound a little more compelling?

Also, have you considered who you're writing for?

It's for the layman and actor, so why not incorporate some of the core users into the top of the fold

Headline: "Master A Perfect British Accent In 3 Days!'
Subheadline: "Impress Your Casting Director And Amaze Your Friends With The System That Can Make a 'James Bond' Out Of Anyone."

I've got to get going, but maybe I can take a closer look later.

Great job!

--Dan

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michaelv03

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Dan Axelrod

My thoughts:

Quite good for a first try!

Let me give you some feedback for you to make it even stronger...

DESIGN:

I know you were thinking about copy here more than design, but visual image is important, to a degree. I would have a web designer (no one fancy), clean this up for you. The page looks a little too amateurishly put together. Maybe even a change of template could help.

HEADLINE:

"Learn How To Speak With A British Accent - Fast"

It's direct and to the point, but I think it could be even better. I really like that it's blatantly obvious what you're selling, but why not hammer on the benefits a little more.

(Note: I skimmed a lot of the copy, so please excuse if I'm mistaken on any points)

My question to you: How fast is "Fast?" Is it 3 weeks? 3 days?

If it's an impressively short time period, then feature that in the headline.

"Learn To Speak With a British Accent In 3 Days!"

Does that sound a little more compelling?

Also, have you considered who you're writing for?

It's for the layman and actor, so why not incorporate some of the core users into the top of the fold

Headline: "Master A Perfect British Accent In 3 Days!'
Subheadline: "Impress Your Casting Director And Amaze Your Friends With The System That Can Make a 'James Bond' Out Of Anyone."

I've got to get going, but maybe I can take a closer look later.

Great job!

--Dan

Hi Dan, Thank you for your valuable input, I will take it on board. The reason I did not specifiy 'how long' it takes to learn the accent, is because it really varies and depends on the person working with it. It can take 3 days, It can take 2 hours or it could take 5 weeks. trouble is, if I write that anyone can learn the accent in, let's say, 3 days, we will probably get complaints from buyers who did not succeed in the specified time. The way around this may be to write 'learn the British accent in 3 days*' and then 'star' * it (and putting in small print under which circumstances this may happen)...but I am not so sure about this option. Another other ideas?

Thanks
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Paul Hancox

14 years ago

Hi Michael

Originally Posted by michaelv03

Hi Dan, Thank you for your valuable input, I will take it on board. The reason I did not specifiy 'how long' it takes to learn the accent, is because it really varies and depends on the person working with it. It can take 3 days, It can take 2 hours or it could take 5 weeks. trouble is, if I write that anyone can learn the accent in, let's say, 3 days, we will probably get complaints from buyers who did not succeed in the specified time. The way around this may be to write 'learn the British accent in 3 days*' and then 'star' * it (and putting in small print under which circumstances this may happen)...but I am not so sure about this option. Another other ideas?

I wouldn't recommend the * route ... people will view it as "the small print"... and we all know that the "small print" is where we get screwed

Adapting Dan's great headline, you could say...

"Learn To Speak With a British Accent In As Little As 3 Days!"

The "as little as" is kind of a disclaimer, and sounds more realistic. Later on in the copy, you could explain in a bit more detail, that ultimately it will depend on THEM.

Something like...

"So can you learn this quicker? Absolutely.

Ultimately, it's up to you how long it takes, depending on the practice you put in. You can learn quicker than 3 days if you put in the practice... longer if you don't."

You've told them the truth... but you don't have to sound apologetic about it - and you've framed it positively... that they could learn it QUICKER than 3 days if they really want to.

In other words, it's up to THEM.

"3 days" in the headline is really just a HOOK... to get them to start reading ... and later on, you can expand on it, to make it more "realistic".

As long as it IS easily possible to learn within 3 days, you should be OK.

If it's not, then come up with a timeframe that IS realistic.

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michaelv03

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Paul Hancox

Hi Michael

I wouldn't recommend the * route ... people will view it as "the small print"... and we all know that the "small print" is where we get screwed

Adapting Dan's great headline, you could say...

"Learn To Speak With a British Accent In As Little As 3 Days!"

The "as little as" is kind of a disclaimer, and sounds more realistic. Later on in the copy, you could explain in a bit more detail, that ultimately it will depend on THEM.

Something like...

"So can you learn this quicker? Absolutely.

Ultimately, it's up to you how long it takes, depending on the practice you put in. You can learn quicker than 3 days if you put in the practice... longer if you don't."

You've told them the truth... but you don't have to sound apologetic about it - and you've framed it positively... that they could learn it QUICKER than 3 days if they really want to.

In other words, it's up to THEM.

"3 days" in the headline is really just a HOOK... to get them to start reading ... and later on, you can expand on it, to make it more "realistic".

As long as it IS easily possible to learn within 3 days, you should be OK.

If it's not, then come up with a timeframe that IS realistic.

Brilliant, brilliant advice, Paul. Thanks a lot!

Thanks
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Dan Axelrod

14 years ago

One part of your copy that raised an eyebrow was:

"Are you a non British native, trying hard to 'sound English'- but you just cannot seem to spot what you are doing wrong and you want to stop being labelled a 'foreigner' as soon as you start speaking?"

Do you think this makes a significant part of your market? I would think that the people trying to learn a British accent are either actors, comedians or people who would enjoy the novelty faking it.

If your research has shown this is a viable part of your market, then go ahead, but otherwise, I'd take that part out.

That also brings to mind... why haven't you mentioned comedians as a part of your audience? Being able to do impressions of Sean Connery, Hugh Grant, Harry Potter, and anyone else who hits the public eye, would be a valuable (and lucrative) skill to anyone in stand-up comedy.

--Dan

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michaelv03

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Dan Axelrod

One part of your copy that raised an eyebrow was:

"Are you a non British native, trying hard to 'sound English'- but you just cannot seem to spot what you are doing wrong and you want to stop being labelled a 'foreigner' as soon as you start speaking?"

Do you think this makes a significant part of your market? I would think that the people trying to learn a British accent are either actors, comedians or people who would enjoy the novelty faking it.

If your research has shown this is a viable part of your market, then go ahead, but otherwise, I'd take that part out.

That also brings to mind... why haven't you mentioned comedians as a part of your audience? Being able to do impressions of Sean Connery, Hugh Grant, Harry Potter, and anyone else who hits the public eye, would be a valuable (and lucrative) skill to anyone in stand-up comedy.

--Dan

Hi Dan, thanks for your ideas.

Regarding this part:
"Are you a non British native, trying hard to 'sound English'- but you just cannot seem to spot what you are doing wrong and you want to stop being labelled a 'foreigner' as soon as you start speaking?"

Market wise this group makes up 80-90% of the market. People who have so far bought this product are public speakers (in or from other countries), non-British business people (wether they live in the UK or not) and other professionals from all walks of life. They all have one thing in common...wether they live in the K or not, they all want to have clear diction and learn to speak with a British English accent to varying degrees. Some just want ti improve so that they can be understood and a huge part of those buyers really do want to sound perfectly British. It is a fact, that in the UK your accent says a lot about you, more than in any other English speaking country. You can immediately detect what kind of school someone went to, what kind of background someone has (and I am just talking about English people), just by listening to them speak for a few seconds. Many 'foreigners' who live in this country never make friends with natives- because of their accents. That is a fact. therefore there is a huge demand for such a programme. So, in short, these sorts of customers do represent a very large part of the market. I will probably create a second sales letter solely aimed at actors and, as you mentioned, comedians etc. Quite a few people here have advised me to do it that way and I think it makes great sense.
Thank you very much for your input, I greatly appreciate it!

Thanks

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wordwizard 14 years ago

Hi Michael,

that looks like an excellent product. One I could have used at some point, probably.

And I kept thinking... as a former linguistics professor I could probably add a testimonial to it from a slightly different angle (i.e., why it works so well -- coming from an expert rather than the writer of the letter) .... (so if you like, I'd be happy to check it out and write that for you).

Meanwhile, I agree with Rick, yes, that letter is definitely pretty darn good for a new copywriter. So pat yourself on the back.

There are a bunch of areas that could use tweaking, of course, and I especially agree with the comments above about targeting certain audiences...

And yes, you might want to create nichified versions of that sales letter.

for your "main" letter, you can add a section that addresses the reasons why people might want to fix their accent:

* non-native speakers
* speakers of non-standard dialects
* actors
* guys who want to attract women
* etc.

Then again, you might want to focus on your main target audience (probably one of the first two), and you can actually market to both, as you do to some degree.

One other thing I noticed.

Consider shortening your sentences some. A few of them go off into weird directions, and that would help fix it. They also are less likely to hold the reader's attention as well as shorter, more focused sentences.

Good luck, and let me know if you want me to add the linguist's perspective!

Elisabeth
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Paul Hancox

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Why not kick off with a "British accent" in the head? Something like

"I say old chap...Now you can speak the Queen's English in no time flat...

LEARN HOW TO SPEAK WITH A PROPER BRITISH ACCENT!

Top Dialect Coach reveals all the secret tricks he's taught Top Hollywood and Broadway actors to acquire perfect British accents!

Hehe

Only one danger with this... we Brits DON'T say "I say old chap"... at least, the average Brit hasn't done for about 50 years or so.

It's a funny subheadline, but I suspect some people who read that will assume (based on the "old chap" opener) that the product creator doesn't know about the British accent, after all.

Other than that... jolly good show, old boy!

Trust me, a foreigner does NOT want to speak like this

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myeanne

14 years ago

It all went great!

For the first timer like you, i think you did a good job. Just have some revisions and additional content.

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zaki 14 years ago

Hi,
For a first-timer, i think there is potential if only you put your heart into copy-writing.
Although the FONT types, formatting and sizes are a bit cluttered.

Your most important section of the salescopy is your HEADLINE. Don't ever let your prospects SCROLL down the page inorder to read the whole of your HEADLINE.
You have to grab their ATTENTION through the headline. If you cannot do that, forget about the rest, nothing will happen. i.e INTEREST,DESIRE and ACTION. (the AIDA formula).

Overall, there is potential there.

Alusine Sesay
(London-UK)
***********
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MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

14 years ago

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Daniel Sanchez

14 years ago

Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

Something isn't connecting here for me.

http://BritshAccent.co.uk

Don't get me wrong please, much of the sales letter from a general copywriting perspective is very good, unfortunately...

Your word choices, your sentence structure, your 'accent' within the sales copy if you will, actually reads as though it has been written by someone not from these shores.

In short, it still looks and appears to all intents and purposes as though this has been penned by an American hand not a British individual.

My personal opinion is that this requires a complete rewrite to really convince your potential audience that this is a genuine product.

Maybe I'm just being hyper critical, sure it will appeal to anyone not fully conversant with all of the nuances of the English spoken word but for anyone with any training in semiotics etc... I think they'll see straight past this exercise to reach conclusively into their mind and rather than buying with any sense of confidence into your sequenced word choices, they'll be clicking away pretty quickly.

I think a great deal could be tidied up, edited to fully reflect the proper English accent as conveyed via the written word. And this re-editing would almost definitely add more credibility to your product.

May I also recommend that you tidy up the presentation of your words with a new site design? Only there's a bit of a mish mash of text styles going on there, colour highlighting etc all of which could do with being vastly tidied up.

I hope you also find these suggestions useful and of benefit to you.

Best regards,

Mark Andrews...

I'm not British (I'm Canadian) and assuming the market is targeted to individuals who aren't British, it might be best to stick with an "American" style English copy.

I couldn't tell if the copy was penned by someone from the United Kingdom or not...

Vin mentions this in his new blog and he's right on this point.

Conversions go up when penned in "American" English...

Just go to his blog to find out more. Interesting read.

I don't think adding British sayings or dialect to the copy would improve the copy's effectiveness...unless the market was strictly for a British market.

That would be like saying I need to add a French accent or add French words to the copy of a French language course to seem more believable.

I would stick with "American" style copy. It will suit your market and their language...

It's very important to speak using the voice of your market.

(the thoughts inside their head and the way they speak them)

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Rezbi

14 years ago

Michael,

As far as sounding like someone from the UK or the US, I would say do both and split test them.

It's the only way to be sure.

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JAAffiliates

14 years ago

It is a good first effort, but I reiterate some of the previous points made and target particular markets (girls love a British accent, actors, etc.) and sticking to a more US style.

Non copywriting issues, a co.uk domain is not the best option when you are targeting a non-uk market.

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