[REVISED] Sales Page ready to go, or needs more oomph?

14 years ago

Bertus,

Your header and pre-head are filled with over-the-top hype.

Strike ONE.

Your headline is filled with hype.

Strike TWO.

Your subhead is filled with hype.

Strike THREE... you're out.

Copywriting is salesmanship in print. If you were trying to sell me your book face-to-face, is that really what you would say to me?

Regards,

John

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Andrew Gould

14 years ago

Hi Bertus,

This is a considerably better effort than your traffic product page. But I'm afraid it's still far from perfect:

I don't know whether I've seen too many and yours is simply the proverbial straw... but your header is dire - destroy it.

Contrary to popular belief your IM headline does not have to be over 20 words. Its purpose is simply to grab attention, not to sell a product, play around with a short and snappy one. And some of the letters looks just a little too close together to me.

I read on but I didn't discover any secrets, let alone any powerful ones.

Couldn't Youtube also be the answer to your first 3 questions?

I don't see any proof for any of your claims at all.

Also I see zero credibility.

And I definitely don't want you to hold my hand.

The bonus is a Facebook marketing course - but you've already said that your is the only one they'll need.

Why is it only $13?

Get your photo at the top of the page as well.

Your page is all over the place, you need to find one big selling idea for your product and focus your ad on that. At the moment it just seems like a collection of bullets randomly thrown together.

Why do you struggle with copywriting? Simple. It's not easy. That's why the best can charge what seems like a small fortune.

Hope this helps.

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Andrew Gould

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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

That header is awful. If I were you I'd lose it - it instantly kills credibility. The same goes for the ecover.

And speaking of credibility - you have none.

Where's the results? The proof? Something that tells me you're not just another wanna-be guru flogging some crappy PLR ebook filled with outdated info?

Not to mention you don't really tap into your prospect's heads/emotions.

In short... this thing needs a complete re-write.

-Dan

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Zentech

14 years ago

Needs less crappy hype, copywriting cliches, and clear indicators of rubbish.

Needs more realism, substance, and probably a product that is actually worth something.

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bertuseng

14 years ago

Thanks for all the advice. I will see if I can come up with some non-hype kind of headlines. I thought that hype usually works.

Not using any hype, I thought, will make the copy more boring. Unfortunately I am not a copywriter so I guess that is why I rely on some things that I have thought worked in the past for many people, including the copywriting cliches and hype.

Oi, guess it is back to the drawing board for me. hehe.

Thanks again for all the advice, I will see how I can salvage this one.

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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

"Hype" is unsubstantiated claims.

If you make a big promise... follow it up with proof.

If you don't have any proof then you shouldn't be selling the product.

-Dan

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bertuseng

14 years ago

I changed the headlines and rewrote most of the first part of my sales page. Took out a lot of the bullet points that were in the beginning. I also tried to tone down on the hype a bit.

Is it better like this or just crappier?

(See website link at the top)

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alankay 14 years ago

If you spoke to me like that in real life I'd slap you in the face with a wet fish!
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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

Everyone posting in this thread mentioned credibility and proof.

You ignored them studiously.

That's exactly the kind of trick that gets you ignored by top copywriters who would otherwise be happy to help.

Here's an idea - use the product yourself. Make money with it.

Even if you don't make enough money to hire a pro copywriter, you'll at least have results... proof... and credibility to sell this.

Otherwise it looks like you're trying to sell an unproven POS ebook thrown together by some hack writer... whether you are or not.

-Dan

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bertuseng

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Everyone posting in this thread mentioned credibility and proof.

You ignored them studiously.

That's exactly the kind of trick that gets you ignored by top copywriters who would otherwise be happy to help.

Here's an idea - use the product yourself. Make money with it.

Even if you don't make enough money to hire a pro copywriter, you'll at least have results... proof... and credibility to sell this.

Otherwise it looks like you're trying to sell an unproven POS ebook thrown together by some hack writer... whether you are or not.

-Dan

I thank you for pointing this out. Unfortunately I can't magically conjure up proof. This isn't a product that claims that I have made thousands of dollars in a specific time or that I got tons of traffic or anything like that that I can provide proof of.

It simply is an information product that gives you information on how you can market using Facebook. It gives you information on how to start this and to implement the strategies. This is product I wrote after doing research on the subject.

This is the product that I have and the sales letter that I wrote. I just asked if there are anyways that I can take what I have and change it a bit to make it better. I can't go redo my whole product at this stage.

Thanks for all the advice.

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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

Originally Posted by bertuseng

I thank you for pointing this out. Unfortunately I can't magically conjure up proof. This isn't a product that claims that I have made thousands of dollars in a specific time or that I got tons of traffic or anything like that that I can provide proof of.

It simply is an information product that gives you information on how you can market using Facebook. It gives you information on how to start this and to implement the strategies. This is product I wrote after doing research on the subject.

This is the product that I have and the sales letter that I wrote. I just asked if there are anyways that I can take what I have and change it a bit to make it better. I can't go redo my whole product at this stage.

Thanks for all the advice.

Translation:

"I've put this product together based on what I think might work. I have absolutely zero evidence to back up the fact that any of the techniques actually do work, or that they'll make any money at all - so I'm basically selling a product to clueless newbies that won't help them one bit.

After all, if the techniques actually did work, I'd be using them myself to make money."

I'd say that's a FAR bigger problem than your sales page right there...

-Dan

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Zero

14 years ago

I thank you for pointing this out. Unfortunately I can't magically conjure up proof. This isn't a product that claims that I have made thousands of dollars in a specific time or that I got tons of traffic or anything like that that I can provide proof of.

It simply is an information product that gives you information on how you can market using Facebook. It gives you information on how to start this and to implement the strategies. This is product I wrote after doing research on the subject.

This is the product that I have and the sales letter that I wrote. I just asked if there are anyways that I can take what I have and change it a bit to make it better. I can't go redo my whole product at this stage.

Thanks for all the advice.

Have you actually tried this stuff for yourself? Did you get any results with this? If you have no proof, no one wil buy this.

Clearly you need help with your copywriting, these are 2 great free resources:
The Total Package
http://www.michelfortin.com/

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JasonParker

14 years ago

It's just a $17 product.

It's on traffic... there's a guarantee and a bonus...

I wouldn't worry about it so much.

If I were you I'd probably just start sending traffic and split testing it up.

People can say all they want, but your real feedback comes from orders.

...

If I were to write the copy, I'd probably do it in this order...

Make a big promise
Show some empathy about traffic gen struggles
Give facts about Facebook and traffic
Explain how it's your unfair advantage over the competition
Reveal your solution
Blind Bullets
Make Big Promise Again (Imagine...)
Build value/price drop
Reveal Price
Guarantee
Bonus (get a better bonus people want)
Scarcity
Close
Give directions on how to order
Use a seal to gain trust in your website... like honest e online

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Collette 14 years ago

Maybe I'm just retarded, but when I click on that link to the sales page, I get a file download request.

Wazzupwitdat? :confused:
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- Zero 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Collette
  
  Maybe I'm just retarded, but when I click on that link to the sales page, I get a file download request.
  
  Wazzupwitdat? :confused:
  
  Try Firefox
  
  Thanks
  
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- bertuseng 14 years ago
  
  Yeah, I saw internet explorer does that. Why does that happen and how can I change that.
  
  Big problem...
  
  Originally Posted by Collette
  
  Maybe I'm just retarded, but when I click on that link to the sales page, I get a file download request.
  
  Wazzupwitdat? :confused:
  
  Thanks
  
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  [FREE] Grab 7 of Bertus' products with PLR.
  
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Anoopchawla

14 years ago

Man the responses here are darn rude.
Listen I agree with warriors here, but don't loose hope with enough determination you can learn anything.

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[REVISED] Sales Page ready to go, or needs more oomph?

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