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Im about to DEPLOY (to afghanistan), need help with my sales page FAST!

by MorbitlyObesePaypalAccoun
11 replies
AS i MENTIONed before, Im a young USNavy sailor at the ripe old age of 21, trying to make a killing online. Im about to deploy therefore I have ver limited time to correct any mistakes and I'm not that technically savy. With that said, I am open to advice so please give liberally.

Important note: this is my first sales page!
Even more important note: I need testimonials, so if you can download and help me out I will be very happy to help you with a testimonial as well.
Subscribe - You're Enough
#afghanistan #deploy #fast #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author MorbitlyObesePaypalAccoun
    Do you have an example of a scare tactic that would be more related? I can't think of one.
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    • Profile picture of the author AustinLadyTam
      Oh, man...I'd like to be able to help you, I really would, and I applaud your willingness to serve our country.

      But I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't level with you, so here goes...

      At this point, trying to come up with a better headline or giving you a few tips would be like putting lipstick on a pig.

      This sales letter needs a MAJOR overhaul, if not a complete rewrite. Yes, you have a decent story and that is the good part.

      But the formatting is mind-numbing...the text is too wide, there are virtually no subheads to break it up, no highlighting, no different fonts or colors, and your call to action is weak. And the whole things is too long for a squeeze page.

      Please consider hiring a pro copywriter, or investing significant time in learning more about creating sales pages.

      And take care of yourself!
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        If you really want to sell this e-book, hire a copywriter. Even a newbie copywriter looking to prove his or her chops for nothing but a testimonial. There are sooooo many parts of this page that need total makeover. Top to bottom.

        Secondly... a heartfelt "Thank You" for your service. You're an inspiration and I hope you know it.

        --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author MorbitlyObesePaypalAccoun
    Im looking to fix this thing I have about 4 hrs (today) to put into it and I would like some direction.

    The formatting part was expected because I litterally have had no time to format it yet...no wonder its the page's biggest weakness.

    I don't have time to:
    add a signature-im using a pin name anyway
    add a picture-I am a little uncomfortable about tieing my identity into this
    completely format it-Im deploying tommorrow!!!

    Give me 3 tips to boost my subscriptions? Because I am going to go with this regardless and edit it from my ship whenever I'm not working (yes I do get the warriorforum on the ship though I'll be working 14-20 hr days and won't have much time).. Consider this just a rough draft, I can always build it up.

    One of you guys said I have a pretty good story, so atleast the copy is fine. As far as I understand it I just have to strengthen the call to action and reformat and I'm in business!

    (yes I always see the glass as half full)
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  • Profile picture of the author DrewClement
    If you are really in that big of a hurry, then just take out all of the BS and the hoopla.

    You are not selling this, you are giving it away for free....so you really dont NEED that long of a story or that much convincing.

    I am not saying that a long story doesnt work, or that you do not need quality copy to get people to subscribe...

    But the fact is you are in a rush, and the book is being offered for free.

    2 paragraphs and a great header with 1 or 2 sub-headers should be more than enough....and leave you to focus on the other things that you need to do.
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  • Profile picture of the author MorbitlyObesePaypalAccoun
    alright so your saying take out everything and just write a 2 paragraph description of what the product is about?
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

    You're Enough!

    It's far from complete but you can see where to go...
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    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author MorbitlyObesePaypalAccoun
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

      You're Enough!

      It's far from complete but you can see where to go...
      I guess I should just focus on the story and product explanation.
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by MorbitlyObesePaypalAccoun View Post

        I guess I should just focus on the story and product explanation.
        It depends where you want to go with this.

        Personally, I like the idea of a long-copy squeeze page for this, it builds value for your report.

        But on the other hand, short-copy (usually just a headline and bullet points) generally out-performs long for squeeze pages.

        Like Scott said, spend your time learning everything you can. And then test the long copy vs. a short copy version. Note everything you do and I'd bet you could easily get a WSO out of it.
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        Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Totally not related to your copy... I went to Iraq in 2005.

    Not sure how your deployment will go, but the Air Force was "hurry up and wait"... a month of 10 hour shifts followed by a few days of downtime.

    During my downtime I watched movies and played video games.

    Bring a laptop. Study copywriting. Create products.

    Then when you get out, you'll have a strong knowledge base to work from. I didn't click your link but judging from the comments it's beyond repair for now.

    When I was your age I didn't know what "SEO" stood for. Now I could write a book on it if I wanted to.

    You'll have downtime at one point or another. USE IT. If this is what you want to do, it's the perfect time.

    Stay safe!

    -Scott
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  • Profile picture of the author MorbitlyObesePaypalAccoun
    thanks scott on the advice, I have a whole 9 months to cook up something. I just really enjoy business & marketing and Im is the best option to stay on course with my education...Like I said this is my first attempt at creating anything like this so, it goes without saying that I will have to keep up my learning.
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