Feedback on Sales Letter for direct mail

by ShazLeghari

Posted: 14 years ago 12 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi, iv got 50 fresh new prospects for direct mail for business opportunity seekers, but before I do send this direct mail I want to make sure I have pushed every right hot buttons on the letter, have I missed something?, Could I do anything improvements etc, here is my copy of my 1 page letter where they have take the action to visit the site and join the club thank you.

“Shocking over 134 hours of unique high definitions money making videos that will simply make you £2000 a week…”

please note the top title is much bigger 22 font size

A personal club that will absolutely astound you even if your unmotivated

Dear, Hi my name is Shaz Leghari and thank you for opening this letter I would personally would love to gain some establishment with you as I am about to share with you something special that I know that will just make your jaw drop, serious

How would you like to work with a personal coach who will offer every material and content in existence imaginable that is updated 24/7 with powerful techniques and info that will just blow you away

In fact if you can just put 1 to 3 hours of work even if you unmotivated you still make a minimum of at least £2000 a week without question, no scam no fluff, you don’t even have to be technical

You don’t have to own a website, you don’t have to know full html, you will gain access to over 134 hours of jaw dropping high definition videos that will completely take you to another realm of making money unlike anything you have seen, however the techie stuff is included as well!

Im not going to start writing a story telling you how wonderful this club is and I know it can work wonders for you, you can operate this business anywhere in the world as long as you have an access to a internet connection

This astounding club has a 60 days money back guaranteed, so if your not satisfied in any way you can have your money back guaranteed, no questions, no ifs no buts

But hurry spots are limited, and the website can be taken down within 48 hours and can be even now, don’t hesitate to check it now!

Special linkàwww.maverickclubsecret.comß

p.s I promise you that you won’t regret it join risk free now

p.s.s Hurry, spots are limited and the club will be shut down within 48 hours go to www.maverickclubsecret.com now!

#direct #feedback #letter #mail #sales

Edk 14 years ago

'Will be shut down withing 48 hours'. You lose a lot of credibility if you don't keep to that
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2363820].message }}
- ShazLeghari 14 years ago
  
  Hi, ok should I change this P.S?
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2363837].message }}
LinChick 14 years ago

The simple spelling / grammar mistakes left me cringing just a little bit. They're common mistakes, but if you want people to take you seriously, I'm very big on making sure you've edited properly.

Example:
even if your unmotivated -> Should be "even if you're unmotivated."

There are quite a few run on sentences as well.

Otherwise, I think it's phrased nicely.
- Thanks
Signature
TLC Writing Solutions
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2364993].message }}
Zero 14 years ago

I'm no copywriter. I could be wrong.

You're promoting Maverick money makers as an affiliate, right?

Do NOT make claims like " It'll shut down in 48 hours" If it won't infact do so. It'll make you look less credible.

Do not make income claims like "In fact if you can just put 1 to 3 hours of work even if you unmotivated you still make a minimum of at least £2000 a week without question, no scam no fluff, you don’t even have to be technical"

You cannot guarantee anyone will a certain amount of money. Least of all not a large sum of money like £2000 which is alotta money.

Your headline isn't strong enuff imo. I saw it, and i just had no reaction to it at all.
Intro to the letter is the same. If you can't grab their attention, they'll bin it.

If you are promoting as an affiliate. Look at his sales copy, and use information from there to come up with a stronger attention grabbing headline.

Again, I'm no copywriter, it is somethin i am learning. I could be talking complete crap for all i know. But it is worth considering.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366050].message }}
Syntheticore 14 years ago

Hi Shaz!

I think going through it with a fine tooth comb will help you. Try to get into the mind of your customer... what do they want? Obviously, money is one thing. But do they want to save time? (Maybe 130 hours of video is a little daunting... at least it is for me, since I'm already busy enough as it is - just give me the goods so I can get on with it!)

Try rewriting some of this a few times... especially the headline, since your headline is what makes or breaks it. Or at least what makes people decide to keep reading.

How about:

"Are You Missing Out on Targeted Video Training that Could Put Money in Your Bank Account?"

"How a few Simple Marketing Videos Can Teach You to Make Money Online Even If You're Not Tech-Savvy"

These are just suggestions of course... so keep playing with it. Copywriting takes many revisions.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366179].message }}
- Ross Bowring 14 years ago
  
  Whoa...
  
  There's some pretty bad English in this attempt... and some rather stupendous hyperbole to match.
  
  And the color scheme? I don't get it.
  
  Either start over or get someone with better writing skills to pen the thing. Not trying to be harsh... trying to save you time, energy and money.
  
  --- Ross
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366233].message }}
farhanzx 14 years ago

In writing the first impression is important.....
But grammatical mistakes really pose a significant problem...
I want to know....
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366327].message }}
- ShazLeghari 14 years ago
  
  Hi, thank you for all your feedback as this is a rough letter to test my quality in writing, I can See I have made alot of mistakes and will take your advice thank you all.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366683].message }}
Funkf00t 14 years ago

Since it has been a while, did it work for you?
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366689].message }}
ShazLeghari 14 years ago

Hi funkf00t I'm just testing and seeing how my quality of my writing skills is and I have made lot of errors and no It's new just made it today as I have just got 50 new prospects thanks.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366705].message }}
ShazLeghari 14 years ago

Hi, I'm going to start revising tomorrow as pc is not available now, thank you all.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2366779].message }}
- ShazLeghari 14 years ago
  
  Hi actually iv been able to access my pc for short period of time, here is my revision however still playing around with it, this is a single page urging my prospects to join my affiliate maverick money makers club, please tell me what you think, any improvements still? Have used the content from the sales copy website and edit a bit to fit the 1 page style and also a quick note, the money income guaranteed is from the sales copy site, so im assuming that my prospects if they give it their full dedication they can make some income out of the club.
  
  “Unique Cutting Edge Club that will make you At Least £60,000 Per Month And You Can Start Using It 15 Minutes From Now…"
  Font size: size 26 title
  
  You now have access to the must cutting edge tools and content to you start your own genuine legimate business right now as a club member, guaranteed to work even your unmotivated
  
  Dear “”
  You will get step-by-step the most comprehensive High definitions video tutorials, You will not have any working obligation ,You will be GUARANTEED an immediate position on our team, You will be able to work as little or as many hours as you want, You will have full access our to hands-on training,You will be able to contact our support desk 24/7,You will have a full-blown "Learn at your own pace" curriculum, You will have full access to our private members community are ,You will discover how to build your business from the ground up, You will learn how to make a full-time income within your first 2 weeks ,You will be given your own personal account to log into each day, You can finally throw your alarm clock away and sleep in everyday, You will never have to worry about money or bills ever again
  
  You Can Also Apply What You Learn Offline!
  
  That's right, if you're not very "Internet Savvy", you can apply everything you learn offline as well. You don't even need a computer to make this money!
  Remember, this isn't hard stuff. It's actually super simple when the right people train you on exactly what to do. That's what I'm here for! You will never be left behind.
  
  So what kind of lifestyle can you realistically live when you make this kind of money? Honestly, the sky is the limit, but here are just a few things you can buy once you get established without ever worrying about how much they cost.
  most unique training program ever created on the internet. Nobody has been able to teach you what you're about to learn inside the club. And that doesn't even include the one-on-one guidance and support you'll receive during the lifetime of your membership...
  
  To find out more go to www.maverickclubsecret.com and I promise you won’t regret it
  
  P.S I promise you It is one of the most unique training program ever to exist you won’t find this any where
  
  P.S.S Give it a minimum 1 month and I promise you will start seeing results however we offer a 60 days no questions ask money back guaranteed, no ifs, no buts, Join today!
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2367008].message }}

Feedback on Sales Letter for direct mail

Trending Topics

Newbie

How did you turn it all around?

A healthy fascination for Hollywood...

Any thoughts on golf's latest phenom...Scottie Scheffler??

best high quality crypto traffic.