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Can someone review my landing page?

by Dalun
12 replies
Hey

I would like to have critical review of my landing page.

It is a review for a product. I want to know what can be done to make the copy more attractive and get more clicks and conversions.

Powerful Premature Ejaculation Treatment Makes You Last Long In Bed | Men's Health And Fitness Secret Tips

Things like :

A Compelling Headline

A Clear Call To Action

Drive Urgency

Remove The Risk

Value In The Offer

Benefits

Can someone tell me if those points are present and if they are great or needs improving?

Thanks very much
#landing #page #review
  • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
    I'd maybe skip the pros and cons you listed because the cons maybe kind of a put off
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    • Profile picture of the author tamiro1992
      Originally Posted by Thomas Michal View Post

      I'd maybe skip the pros and cons you listed because the cons maybe kind of a put off
      tbh i kind of disagree on that one, i like the fact that he is being honest about the product and that way it forms this trust system. plus its like the buyers wont suspect any other cons.
      Signature
      Bidet
      Philadelphia Limo
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      • Profile picture of the author Cataclysm1987
        I'd make more bold text and shorter paragraphs. Most people are just going to skim, so you want to give each paragraph a compelling reason to be read.

        For examples of what I'm talking about, take a look at the landing page in my signature.
        Signature

        No signature here today!

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline's not bad. The copy is very raw. It almost reads as though English is not the writer's first language. It's loaded with grammar and punctuation issues. It's a tough read. Consider getting a professional writer.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Problem #1... your story is loaded with credibility issues.

    Now... maybe you and your friends are different... but I'm yet to find a guy who doesn't masturbate for two months straight.

    Or worse... doesn't masturbate before a first date (to prevent exactly what you're talking about).

    Or how about the 1.5/3 hours of sex? Maybe you're including foreplay in that figure... but for most women 20 - 30 minutes of actual sex is more than enough. It's pretty intense exercise, after all.

    Apart from that... your story doesn't seem real. In fact... it seems like you made it up just to sell some pills (which I'm pretty sure you did).

    Finally... you don't talk about the pain of the situation. You gloss over the embarrassment... but the way you talk about it simply doesn't capture the true pain of the situation.

    In short... your review stinks of BS. And that's going to make people avoid buying.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Dalun
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      Problem #1... your story is loaded with credibility issues.

      Now... maybe you and your friends are different... but I'm yet to find a guy who doesn't masturbate for two months straight.

      Or worse... doesn't masturbate before a first date (to prevent exactly what you're talking about).

      Or how about the 1.5/3 hours of sex? Maybe you're including foreplay in that figure... but for most women 20 - 30 minutes of actual sex is more than enough. It's pretty intense exercise, after all.

      Apart from that... your story doesn't seem real. In fact... it seems like you made it up just to sell some pills (which I'm pretty sure you did).

      Finally... you don't talk about the pain of the situation. You gloss over the embarrassment... but the way you talk about it simply doesn't capture the true pain of the situation.

      In short... your review stinks of BS. And that's going to make people avoid buying.

      -Dan
      Alright good stuff.

      It seems like everything is too exaggerated?

      I just doubled the average sexual experience I had. But the average time for sex is around 30min? Seems too short me personally. I usually last longer during sex, but my personal experience is not what all average men do,huh?

      You say that the topic is a painful subject to discuss. Wouldn't it also be embarrassing too?

      But I do have to edit it so that it is more credible to the average guy right?
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by Dalun View Post

        Alright good stuff.

        It seems like everything is too exaggerated?

        I just doubled the average sexual experience I had. But the average time for sex is around 30min? Seems too short me personally. I usually last longer during sex, but my personal experience is not what all average men do,huh?

        You say that the topic is a painful subject to discuss. Wouldn't it also be embarrassing too?

        But I do have to edit it so that it is more credible to the average guy right?
        From the research I've seen the average time is about 10 minutes. That's actual sex - not foreplay (of which most couples don't have much of, believe it or not).

        I'm guessing you're young - talk to your girlfriends. I don't mean your girlfriend as in the girl you're sleeping with etc (past encounters are a touchy subject)... I mean friends who are girls. You'll be amazed at what you uncover regarding the "average" sexual experience.

        Having said that... my point is most girls don't WANT to have sex for three hours.

        Without going into research, it's hard to know if most guys are aware of that or not... but we're talking about a problem that manifests within a minute or two, here. My gut tells me that promising three hour sessions might be a bit of a stretch.

        Statistics and research aside... the big problem is not what you say, it's how you say it. It's obvious you don't have empathy for this problem (and if you do, it is NOT coming through at ALL). It's obvious your story is BS and that you haven't really been there.

        That industry shuts down all credibility of both yourself and your recommendation.

        Plus, you're lying about results (unless you did actually have this problem, take the pills, and receive those results). That is a BIG no-no both with the FTC and FDA - and while you might avoid their notice if you're small-time, I sure as heck wouldn't want to take the chance.

        -Dan
        Signature

        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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        • Profile picture of the author Dalun
          How would I add feelings of empathy? Any suggestions on how I should reword the review?

          Yea, I'm a newbie affiliate and am writing a review style landing/pre-sell page.

          I didn't know that fact about the FTC and FDA. Should I put a disclaimer page or something?
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          • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
            Originally Posted by Dalun View Post

            How would I add feelings of empathy? Any suggestions on how I should reword the review?
            There are no shortcuts - you have to learn to understand and feel the problem at a deep level.

            Then you have to be able to convey that in writing.

            It's not as simple as changing a few words around - it's something you just have to learn to do.

            Yea, I'm a newbie affiliate and am writing a review style landing/pre-sell page.

            I didn't know that fact about the FTC and FDA. Should I put a disclaimer page or something?
            An even better idea would simply be not to lie.

            -Dan
            Signature

            Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Dalun
    Thanks for tips and advice.

    I'm gonna do a serious update to this site and cover the many aspects I have neglected to write about.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dalun
    Yea

    I'm changing the entire copy to something different
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    • Profile picture of the author DavidO
      I recommend reading Gary Bencivenga's bullets:

      Marketing Bullets | Gary's Arsenal

      Spend one hour going through the archives and I guarantee you'll come away with some ideas for improvement. In very short order he provides some rock solid foundations that you can use on any sales page and for any product or market.
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