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Sales Letter Critique (my best effort still ain't good enough)

by cozandeffect
11 replies
Hi Guys,

Do y'all mind taking a look and telling me what you think?

Auto Cash Machine

PS - Please ignore the dropdown... this is just a template page I use.

I'm targeting the exact same market as this one which converts...

mycashprinter.org

Thanks in advance for your help!

-Coz
#critique #effort #good #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Coz,

    I've only got time for a few quick points:

    Be more specific with your media appearances - what shows and dates where you on TV? What magazine issue were you in?

    Host your video somewhere other than Youtube.

    I'm not sure what you're selling? Apparently you get a website but I don't know how it's going to make money?

    Hope this helps.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author cozandeffect
      Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Hi Coz,

      I've only got time for a few quick points:

      Be more specific with your media appearances - what shows and dates where you on TV? What magazine issue were you in?

      Host your video somewhere other than Youtube.

      I'm not sure what you're selling? Apparently you get a website but I don't know how it's going to make money?

      Hope this helps.
      Excellent points, thank you. I'll be sure to add those in the next round of testing.
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  • Profile picture of the author ericthered
    Your profit is $190k a month? - why don't you hire a hotshot copywriter for a few grand ?
    E
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    • Profile picture of the author cozandeffect
      Originally Posted by ericthered View Post

      Your profit is $190k a month? - why don't you hire a hotshot copywriter for a few grand ?
      E
      I've tried that before... their conversion rates were worse... much worse.

      Now, I'm not saying Michel Fortin or some other 'top guns' around here couldn't hit this out of the park, but at the end of the day... this is a skill I'd rather cultivate myself.
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  • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
    I personally am one to feel the "sales letter" site is dead/dying most people have been over exposed to the "Dear Friend" because well you're not my friend. You may try just having a squeeze page then get their email then have the sales letter email so its personal like "Hey Jim..."
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by Thomas Michal View Post

      I personally am one to feel the "sales letter" site is dead/dying most people have been over exposed to the "Dear Friend" because well you're not my friend. You may try just having a squeeze page then get their email then have the sales letter email so its personal like "Hey Jim..."
      What does the poor sales letter do to deserve this?

      Almost since birth it's had to endure non-stop criticism from "experts".

      It's worked for decade after decade and yet still people hate on it...

      It must be sick as a parrot of hearing about how it's too long, it doesn't work, it's being replaced with X, etc.

      But still it soldiers on because in the end the numbers are the ONLY thing that matters. And that's where it delivers... time after time... year after year.

      So please, show a little consideration to the poor thing, because you never know, someday you just might need it.
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      Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    You've got the makings of a decent page but as it stands, it has issues. First, and this is just me, I HATE audio or video that starts without me starting it. I don't know what testing says about this but I click away immediately when I get something I'm not expecting. Consider having an obvious audio file up front where the reader can see what it is and click to get 'more info.'

    You've got credibility issues throughout the whole page. Whoever 'Dr. Wolf' is, he's way off. As I remember, about 3% of the global population controls more than 95 percent of ALL the wealth. You're probably not going to run into many prospects that know this but my own belief is that you get your story as legit as possible right out of the chute.

    Some of the writing is excellent and some of it sucks out loud. If you want this to work you need it to be consistently convincing. There are also a lot of punctuation issues throughout. Some folks will tell you these things don't matter but they do. Anything that turns a possible prospect away matters. And since getting simple stuff right up front is easy, why screw around?

    That's all I had time for. As I said up front, you've got the raw makings of a great page. It just needs some professional attention.

    Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author cozandeffect
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      You've got the makings of a decent page but as it stands, it has issues. First, and this is just me, I HATE audio or video that starts without me starting it. I don't know what testing says about this but I click away immediately when I get something I'm not expecting. Consider having an obvious audio file up front where the reader can see what it is and click to get 'more info.'

      You've got credibility issues throughout the whole page. Whoever 'Dr. Wolf' is, he's way off. As I remember, about 3% of the global population controls more than 95 percent of ALL the wealth. You're probably not going to run into many prospects that know this but my own belief is that you get your story as legit as possible right out of the chute.

      Some of the writing is excellent and some of it sucks out loud. If you want this to work you need it to be consistently convincing. There are also a lot of punctuation issues throughout. Some folks will tell you these things don't matter but they do. Anything that turns a possible prospect away matters. And since getting simple stuff right up front is easy, why screw around?

      That's all I had time for. As I said up front, you've got the raw makings of a great page. It just needs some professional attention.

      Good luck.
      I haven't seen much difference between auto-start audio vs click-to-start, but I know that feeling of 'What the hell is this?"

      Dr. Wolf is real indeed... and is a highly respected economics professor who has done countless studies on the distribution of wealth. All facts were researched and are accurate. (same for earnings, testimonials, etc.)

      Speaking of 'credibility'.... this is an issue I get ALL the time. Everything is true, and yet my presentation of the facts fails to convey belief.

      Any ideas, guys?

      I laughed out loud at "Some of the writing is excellent and some of it sucks out loud."

      Could you show me a few instances where it sucks out loud? I really need to make this letter shine, and your feedback would be greatly appreciated!

      Cheers,

      Coz
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        ok, here goes:

        Your biggest challenge is dealing with skepticism and lack of trust. If you really had the goods at the level you document, I would expect to see overwhelming credibility.

        Video success stories. The articles in major publications, you coming out from behind the scenes.

        The other piece of credibility that's missing is you don't show the websites they'll be getting. There are no readable sample images or actual website they can check out.

        Why?

        Assuming you're proud of your work and customers' success you'd want to put your best foot forward.

        The stuff your portraying as proof is just too easy to mock-up.

        I would also delete the better.tv work at home mom video. I was expecting to see you or your product referenced. Things like this hurt more than help.

        Right now, if you are resting your case on credibility it has to be a lot more compelling than it is. Especially if you're dealing with people who don't know you.

        The other thing is you don't address how to get visitors to come to your online store. Is there a reasons for this?

        - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author JasonParker
    If you've got the funds, which it looks like after seeing your letter, my best advice is to pay someone better than you to work on it.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    I don't believe a word of it. The whole page screams SCAM! As Rick says - I would expect to see overwhelming credibility. As it is - especially with that bloody awful audio track - I see overwhelming BS - "The only site on the internet that will help let you quit your job sooner than you can ever imagine".

    You say "this system was featured on MSNBC, word got out. Then ACM appeared in Newsweek, USA Today and Entrepreneur magazine". Really? Point me to the articles. I've Googled it and found nothing. But I did find a thread here on the forum about you -

    Auto Cash Machine... mmmhh.... been there... bougth that... refunded that... is the same product as Rich Janitor and Profit Miracle...

    Basically you have a bunch of videos where Jamie Lewis talk about affiliate marketing (basic stuff), a bunch of campaigns in different niches with spun articles (I don't know how many times you can spin an article to make him unique...) a viral submitter software, a pre-made bio box and some pdf's.

    Actually I tried Profit Miracle and Rich Janitor (not knowing it was the same product) to see if I can promote the product, is a very hyped page... catch my attention.

    But I don't like the fact that they re-name a product and launched as new, changing the name and the head graphic... And promote over and over again to they list.

    Do I have any success with the "software"? no, as a matter of fact no article was approved...

    The only thing that can be worth the money is the core manual of Profit Miracle, a very good treat about article marketing.

    And if you still want to buy beware of "the phone call", a guy who want to help you to fast track your business and make you earn 10k month in no time... He ask you a ton of questions about your experience and your background, and (of course) your credit report, to see if you qualified as a student for a 1 on 1 coaching program... The coaching cost about 2k to 5k (money that you will see quintupled in a short time)...

    I had a bad feeling about those call centers, not good... not good at all... they are not marketers they are salesmen with a check list.
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