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First Draft of my sales copy

by Dean Jackson
10 replies
Please don't mind the ugly unformatting. I just copied it from a notepad document and wanted to get some feedback on it so far.

I have a lot of work to do but I think I did a good job

Ill let you pros decide!

You can view it at lostwarriorguide.com

Thank you

Dean
#copy #draft #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Here's the thing, Dean...

    I charge money for professional critiques... as do most copywriters here.

    So if we're going to take time out of day and offer you a few free pointers... it's not gonna be a on a "first draft" you haven't even bothered to format properly.

    It's going to be on something you've slaved over... worked your ass off on... and love more dearly than your own children.

    I have a lot of copywriter friends and we look over each other's stuff sometimes... and it's NEVER a first draft.

    Asking people to look over a first draft just shows a lack of respect for other people's time.

    After all... if you can't even be bothered to put a decent amount of effort into it... why should we help?

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author activetrader
    I can't stand that flashy banner on top.

    For one, the first frame looks like Chineese characters; it took three rotations to realize that it is written in English.

    Secondly, what the heck is the 'red pill'? Doesn't make any sense. The whole banner is hard to read; the eye moves all over and doesn't capture any information at all.

    Hard to understand from what's above the fold what the site is about, and frankly (you may think I am retarded) but the look at feel gave me the impression you are offering some kind of ebook that teaches how to win Mafia Wars or Farmville.
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    Me

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  • Profile picture of the author wcmylife
    Mate,

    I'll be honest - I did not spend more than 30 seconds on your website because this is what I found on your squeeze pop-up.

    You have approximately 40 words of content out there - you mention the word FREE - 4 times? huh??????? WHY??

    Friendly advice - KILL your squeeze page headline - you can do BETTER!
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    Hypnotic Headlines - Higher Conversions

    e-Mail: hypnoticheadlines@gmail.com
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Dean, you're right, you have alot of work to do.

    You say you copied from a notepad document and the rest, well, to be honest I don't think its even ready for a critique.

    Bill


    .
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    I don't get it. There is nothing there but a flash thing and pop-in. If you need comments on the pop-in text, it is too generic. You are going after a pretty saturated market so you better have a unique way of doing it.

    Btw, I did like the little cool logo (and I usually attack people for stuff like that).
    Signature
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    Hard to say what the whole page is about. Font you chose for graphics is illegible.
    Is the copy you're referring to the couple sentences in the squeeze box?
    _____
    Bruce
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    Get Offline Clients With NO Resistance!-CLICK HERE
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      First things first...

      Make sure your headline copy is in a legible font.

      --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Dean,

    I like what you did, it is a good start, but you have miles to go before you sleep.

    The feedback you're getting is good and you should take action on it.

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hey Dean,

      If this is any consolation, one A List copywriter re-writes his copy mostly 6 or 7 times and no less than 4 times.

      That's before it goes to his client, then there are more to follow.

      So work on it and keep on coming back to see if you have missed something...O.K.?

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      To narrow your focus on what's the most important, follow these steps...

      1 Ask yourself who are your readers going to be.

      2 What level of internet marketing have they had?

      3 What do they want to achieve?

      4 What's got in their way to achieve it?


      Here's the payoff for you... You now know better what your readers want more than before...you can write your message to their wants...and the copy flows much more easier for you.

      This will always be the case and you can use these steps for the rest of your marketing life.

      To start off, it's likely it will be a bit difficult doing this because it's new to you, so that's understandable.

      Just keep prodding away at each of those steps and report back and we'll help you through them.

      Sound good?

      All the best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Irish Intuition
        I am no expert, but what is going on in the intro page?

        What is a 'torrent' of free traffic? I do not know what that means. I
        could be dumb, or part of the majority. I would express that better if
        you want people's email.

        I am not sure where the sales page is, but I would have been gone long
        before seeing it either way. I don't understand your use of imagery
        and it's relation to anything.
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