I think I did a good job - I respect your time and knowledge - Please critique :) | Warrior Forum - The #1 Digital Marketing Forum & Marketplace

14 years ago

Hi Dean,

Your English isn't great. The first word of your headline should be "You're"... and there's plenty more mistakes throughout your copy.

Your story isn't as relevant as it could be, and for a WSO I'd probably scrap it.

The more I read, the more odd expressions I'm coming across, I'm assuming you're not a native English speaker.

And to be honest - this stunt will get me some recognition where its damn well deserved

That's a truly amazing line.

I'd simplify your whole approach to this. You appear to have a good offer - make that the backbone of your copy.

Tell the reader exactly what they're getting. How many products are available at the moment? How often do you update? What were the last few products you included? Etc?

Hope this helps.

Thanks
1 reply

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Andrew Gould

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Dean Jackson

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Andrew Gould

Hi Dean,

Your English isn't great. The first word of your headline should be "You're"... and there's plenty more mistakes throughout your copy.

Your story isn't as relevant as it could be, and for a WSO I'd probably scrap it.

The more I read, the more odd expressions I'm coming across, I'm assuming you're not a native English speaker.
That's a truly amazing line.

I'd simplify your whole approach to this. You appear to have a good offer - make that the backbone of your copy.

Tell the reader exactly what they're getting. How many products are available at the moment? How often do you update? What were the last few products you included? Etc?

Hope this helps.

Hi Andrew, thanks for the comment.

I'm actually multi-lingual and English is my first language. I guess my written skills could use some work

As for the story, I am working on incorporating it more throughout the entire letter to make it more relevant than it is at the moment (for lack of a better one).

What expressions did you find odd? I think the "...mailing list to flog" might be an odd one for the majority of people.

Basically what "flog" means in Australia is that someone is selling/pushing a product or service.

For example, ".. Yeah mate, he was floggin' bloody internet services in the pourin' rain so I invited him in".

Let me know if I lost you there!

P.S. I think this is a huge improvement since my first copy for my first WSO.

Thanks

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travlinguy

14 years ago

Okay, your headline is insulting. I (and many others) happen to have several offers up right now and not a single one employs cheap sales tactics. If you want to piss off a lot of people here keep this headline just the way it is.

The first two lines after your salutation are completely wasted. Metaphors can be a good way to convey messages. But... probably not here. You've got a very warm market on this forum and they don't need a lot of cheap sales tactics to get them motivated. Oops, that just slipped out.

My point is this: get to the point and leave graduate level copywriting to offers where it's needed. On this forum people want to know:

1. What you've got
2. What it will do for them (features and benefits)
3. Proof it works
4. How much it costs.

The rest is unnecessary in this venue. Good luck.

Thanks
1 reply

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Andrew Gould

14 years ago

Originally Posted by xplosivmon

What expressions did you find odd? I think the "...mailing list to flog" might be an odd one for the majority of people.

Basically what "flog" means in Australia is that someone is selling/pushing a product or service.

For example, ".. Yeah mate, he was floggin' bloody internet services in the pourin' rain so I invited him in".

Let me know if I lost you there!

Nope, I'm fully aware of what "flog" means, it's a commonly used British term too. I don't know how familiar the Yanks are with it though. Same goes for "gander".

I could've sworn there was a sentence in there about exploding the net but I can't find it now.

The rest just needs a very thorough proofreading.

Originally Posted by travlinguy

My point is this: get to the point and leave graduate level copywriting to offers where it's needed. On this forum people want to know:

1. What you've got
2. What it will do for them (features and benefits)
3. Proof it works
4. How much it costs.

The Travlin one's spot on with this - You're trying graduate level copywriting but you're not even close to being a graduate level copywriter. As I said in my first post just simplify
it.

Thanks

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Andrew Gould

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wcmylife

14 years ago

You lost me after the first couple of lines...If you intend to do this long-term, I suggest you start studying copywriting and focus on the touchstone. If copywriting is not your thing and you need a couple of sales letters, I suggest you hire a professional copywriter. Not everyone can wear multiple hats and be good - i.e. a person maybe a great internet marketer but not necessarily a great copywriter or graphics designer - outsource what you must and do what your good at.

Thanks
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Harlan 14 years ago

Continuing to read this sales letter was an exercise in torture.

The over use....of....the...elipse...in....copy....is a sure sign....of poor....

copy.

This may be an improvement over the past (or not).

But this letter is:

1. insulting

2. poorly written

3. disjointed

4. scanning it I had no idea what you were selling.

Again, what did come across was the insulting tone.

Hope you'll scrap this version and read a few books on copy or hire a copywriter.

PS. Your use of metaphor was extremely poor and inelegant. Jumping from the story to your pitch was like jumping into an arctic bath on a hot day. Brrrr.
- Thanks
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Harlan D. Kilstein Ed.D.
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ASCW

14 years ago

Not going to lie I first read this

"Your About To Get An Offer That Will Blow You Away.. This Is Not A Cheap Sales Tactic Like 99% Of Every Other Offer On This Forum"

You mean you're right? Also using hype phrases like "offer that will blow you away" and then saying that it isn't a cheap sales tactic is insulting and I am already starting to suspect you, this is bad you want me to trust you.

Then there was this

I told you at the beginning that this was no ordinary offer. I know your tired of reading super hyped up sales copies, and getting ripped off..

which then lead into this

.And provide you with an INSANE offer... You will literally think I am crazy!

I could easily charge more than 4 times what I am about offer you, but instead, I want to help you out... So screw it, i'll take my chances.

Do I smell super hyper up sales copy?

This is within the first quarter of your letter and you've already obviously lied to me twice, and you want me to give you money for something?

I'm by no means the best copywriter in the world, but those are the things that immediately jumped out at me. To be honest I stopped reading after that, and I was reading to critique, just imagine how much faster I would have jumped ship if I was a prospect who probably didn't want to read this from the beginning.

Thanks

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Site being revamped.

If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

Cool.

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Dean Jackson

14 years ago

OK - I have some inconsistancies in the copy. I have a lot of work to do. I will be taking on board as many suggestions as possible.

Will be back shortly with a less insulting, less hyped up version.

If this doesn't pan out too well, I am leaning towards having it written for me. There seems to be some great offers but I would like a shot at it before taking the plunge.

Thank you all for the critique so far. I am still learning a lot and this is a great experience.

Dean

Thanks

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HowardJackson

14 years ago

Hello Xplosivmon,

It’s a good trial, but I have a few things to object:

The headline … yea. It won’t work. It’s like going to a girl you like and saying “I’m not like the other guys. I won’t sleep with you and never call you back afterwards”. If you are going to say that, at least bring some credibility to it in the deck. If you can’t, then reformulate your headline.
Many warriors? This copy is about “you”, the prospect. Write to the second person.
I don’t think that most of your market is so smart to understand metaphors. Many copywriters (as a matter of fact, almost all of them) recommends that unless your target is highly educated, make your copy readable by a 7th grader.
Get to the point faster. I’m a busy person. I’ve got 41 emails to reply and two deadlines overdue. You are either selling me something or not. This is a mistake I usually do … and the best fix is to rip the first page apart.
I can see almost no proof in your entire copy. A good formula is to tell me something I know, tell me something new and then support the new things with tangible proof. If you don’t do that, these are just landmines waiting to explode.
The letter is more about you than me.
Have I’ve missed the guarantee?

Except that, it’s good, but I doubt it will make a lot of sales. This is my point exactly. You’ve tried too much being interesting and making your copy literature that you’ve forgot its purpose – to sell the damn product.

Take care,
Howard Jackson

Thanks

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I think I did a good job - I respect your time and knowledge - Please critique :)

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