Please Critique This Email!

Hello Dennis,

It's great copy but I think the sequence is off. To me it seems like you're trying to sell them too fast in the initial contact. Perhaps you should just focus on the "why's" in the initial email, and sell the click to your salesletter.

Better still sell the click to your squeeze page where you offer a 3-5 page short report on how the internet is THE medium for getting new church members. In the report agitate the problems you skimmed over in this email and have many links to your salesletter.

Then let the salesletter pull the $19.97 for you. By this point they should be really fired up and be itching for a solution to a problem they may or may not have know that they have had.

Then you take this email and stick it like #3 or #4 in your autoresponder sequence.

Just my $0.02,

-Garland

Hey Dennis,

I agree with Garland, you are going way too fast way too soon. The road you're taking will very quickly burn your list, which obviously isn't something you're after.

This email belongs more on the sales page than on your autoresponder sequence, you are implicitly giving them the 'buy or die' choice as I like to refer it. What the implicit message is either your become a customer and get the benefits or not. There is really no added value in the email.

Try educating the pastors, by answering the four W's (Why, What, when, where, obviously the two first are really important) first before you go to offer your product (your HOW). Educate them on why they need someone like you or a service like yours, what are the potentials of what you do for them, when can they expect results and so on...

By doing this you are, in a way, making your list come to you for solutions, which is exactly when you provide your product or service, that is a sure fire way of getting high conversions. More importantly, by educating your list, not only you won't burn the list, your subscribers are actually going to be exhilarated to open up your emails, as each email is opening new doors in their lives. Hope that helps

-Mac

Aside from the boring intro that is unlikely to keep them reading,

You forgot to tell your audience WHAT you will do for them.

They pay $20 and get a listing and membership. WHICH DOES WHAT???

I don't mean a conclusionary statement, such as growing your membership. Yawn. Something like:

This new service will _________________ explain in FACTUAL detail what it does.

(I would have added some details here, but without looking at your website, just from the email I have no clue what you're offering.)

Add an EXAMPLE / TESTIMONIAL.

Get their juices and emotions flowing. Then provide a link to your website where you can provide more information, pricing, etc.

Does come across a little like a sales pitch. Not reflecting on the intrinsic value of the product, which might be of great benefit to a pastor, but the fact that they might be intrigued by the product coupled with the spam-sell might scare/piss them off and do more damage than good.

Looks like Garland and Mac have laid out a pretty effective marketing program for you, nothing to add here.

Hey Dennis...

Been a while bro

This is pretty killer...

Only thing I'd take out is "for only $19.97." and just leave the $10 off part.

Then let the sales page build the value before you reveal the actual price.

Aside from other comments, I would consider rewording this sentence...

"If you answered "yes" to any of the above statements, keep reading because we've got the answer you've been waiting for."

Maybe say something like ..."keep reading and discover the answer" or something like that as that is the point the letter became salesish to me. I don't know you to even know if I would believe the answers you have.

Just my 2 cents.

Sorry, forgot one more thing. Be sure your audience is comfortable with the method of payment you are using. You may want to offer other options if priests don't carry credit cards or have paypal :-)

Thanks a lot for ALL the comments and help! I had someone email me and give me a few suggestions and now and a little disappointed..

First, I don't have a sales letter yet and he said with the targeted audience he felt it would not work, and also that pastors and church administrators are hard to sell?

What do you think about having a sales letter to sell them on? I mean they are pastors so not sure?

I appreciate any help you have on this as I have spent a lot of time building this

Also.. hi Jason, yes it has been awile.. you doing ok? Nice to see you again!

regards,
Dennis

Hi Dennis

You have great enthusiasm, which shines through
your copy!

But, having read your email, I don't understand what
you're offering.

How does your product help them to "contact your
church members, disciple them, update them, and
grow them instantly and conveniently"?

Also, I agree with those Warriors who said you're
trying to sell too fast.

Email marketing is all about building a relationship
with the people who've opted in (?) to receive your
emails. (Most people buy only after 7-9 contacts
with a seller.)

If you just send this email to a whole lot of full-time
Christian workers (I prefer this term, as no one was
ever addressed as "Pastor" in New Testament times -
it's a modern invention [see Matthew 23:6-13]) out
of the blue, someone may report you for spam.

But having said that, your writing's not bad at all.

Kind regards

Eldo

Thanks for the tips.. I am going to have to rethink my plan.. I wasn't thinking on an email list?

But I could create a squeeze page offering a 3-5 page short report on how the internet is THE medium for getting new church members(thanks Garland), in email format sprinkling my site throughout it.

Do you think I should do a short form salesletter or a long form salesletter?

Any more tips or ideas will be GREATLY appreciated!

Regards,
Dennis