HELP! Sales Page Review HELP!

by Adam Stonehocker

Posted: 14 years ago 18 replies

COPY WRITING

Posted this in General Marketing but was told to post it here.

Hi fellow Warriors.

Just launched this new site sometime ago and have had mixed results. Please check it our here:

Start a Lawn Care Business

So let me tell you the History. Launched this about a month ago (with a totally different sales page) had a few orders, a ton of clicks and a 90% bounce rate.

Then I switched to the latest sales page you see here and turned my ads back on. Clicks stayed consistent, sales increased and bounce rate decreased to 82%.... still high but reasonable. And the orders were good so I thought I was set.

After the first week of being up the page went cold, ice cold. Not an order for 10 days so I finally turned off the adwords campaign. I used to have a video at the top of the site (my business partner talking about how this page is going to change your life). He is 26, I'm 28... we thought the video might be what is making people bounce.... who wants to learn from a Young kid - so no video now and I'm thinking I'll turn my adwords back on. See how it goes

Just want some feedback and advice from my fellow warriors about my sales page to see what I can do to increase the sales.

Please give me your honest advice - I'd really appreciate it. I'd do the same for you.

Thanks,
Adam

#page #review #sales

Daniel Scott 14 years ago

I found the background very distracting.

Regarding the actual letter... there was a distinct lack of credibility. It came across as pure BS (whether it is or not).

Plus... it read like you were trying to keyword stuff for "lawn care business".

I have found with Adwords that sales tend to be highest at the start of a campaign (no idea why... maybe just coincidence for me).

There could be traffic/targeting problems as well... but based solely on your sales page I'd say it could use a fair bit of fleshing out and editing to sound more believable.

-Dan
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Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.
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activetrader 14 years ago

The background looks terrible. It hurts my eyes; I couldn't read the copy because of that
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Me
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icering87 14 years ago

- The background took my attention away

- I stumbled a lot on the headline and subhead

- Overall the copy scream BS to me because of how I view lawn care. I don't know anyone 'dreaming' of starting a lawn care business and the copy hypes lawn care like its an ideal life everyone wishes they had but can't figure out. The tone just seems to be off to me. Based on my perception of lawn care. It reads like an internet marketing product sales letter with lawn care inserted in the blanks to me. As if its some kind of template.
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- 1 reply
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- colinjoss 14 years ago
  
  Adam,
  
  It falls down on the first paragraph (and the headline to be honest). Your first para reads:
  
  Do you dream of owning and operating your own lawn care business but don't have a clue about how or where to begin?
  
  I don't reckon there's many people who lie awake at night wishing they knew how to start their own lawn care business.
  
  But there are lots of people sick and tired of working 9 to 5, want to be their own boss, and work outside in the fresh air. I reckon that's where your prospect is.
  
  You need to get 'em hungry for working their own hours, spending time outside, meeting lots of new people. And then introduce a lawn care business as the solution.
  
  Colin
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  "You're exactly the kind of professional any business owner would be lucky to have writing his copy."
  
  John Carlton, the most ripped off, respected, and referred-to copywriter alive.
  
  Colin Joss, Direct Response Copywriter
  
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Mac Deyak 14 years ago

I think the problem lies with the market research and truly understanding and identifying who you are selling to, since Lawn Care Business isn't something that anyone (to my knowledge) dreams about doing, but if it pays the bills and helps a market get the lifestyle they want then, yea it's worth looking into... So first take a step back and do the market research and identify who exactly you're going after.

The things I picked up while skimming:

Headline - Rather weak in the sense that there is no real benefit attached to it, there really is no hook, that could hardly pass as a real good copy for adwords description...
So develop a hook and express it through the headline.

Johnson box to optin - You've gotta redesign your funnel man, optin on the salespage will only get customers one step away from purchasin right now...

Benefits - Not so great... Remember to sell the sizzle not the steak...
e.g. "How to schedule jobs" - not so great
improvement: "Advanced scheduling system to help you catch a break from work" - Better but still can improve, I really have no idea what you're selling

Bonuses, not bad
Buy button - use one with out the red circle... IMO
p.s. placement & copy -pretty good, but try to remind them to go back and look for something you said in the copy, perhaps when you're educating your prospect

but before you worry about the copy, I'd focus on the marketing research, the sales funnel, educating the prospects, and other fundamental things that should lead to the sale... Any way I hope that my critique helped you.

Cheers.

- Mac

p.s. In the next week or so, I am planning on launching a free WSO exactly on market research and how to create a good customer avatar, don't wanna pitch you or anything, but I think that can help you immensely to figure out who you're really going after...
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- RahulNag 14 years ago
  
  Here is my feedback:
  
  When I clicked on the link, the first attention was on the images - i.e. the products, so it looks straightaway like a sales pitch. It looks like your focus is on selling your product rather than understanding the person and their needs.
  
  People come on the internet for information, not to be sold. This is what I have learnt. So make sure you are giving them the information and insight they want.
  
  Firstly, do a survey on your prospects. Push the free course you are offering and do a drop-down box as well to collect names. Aweber offers this for free.
  
  In the survey you need to understand the demographics of lawn care business people, age, sex and what are their reasons for having a lawn care business - what are their dreams and goals, what are their key frustrations and what is stopping them having the business.
  
  Also how are you going to get target for this niche? As the other people have said probably not that many people dream of a lawn care business. So you need to find the ones who do or who might be tempted to start such a business.
  
  Then, create a page based on these issues - with the headline reflecting these dreams and obstacles. Don't even mention the products or have the images upfront. Perhaps buy the Simple Salesletter Templates Pro and use that as a background to replace what you have here.
  
  Also, something does not seem quite authentic about the testimonials. They don't seem how real people would talk. Just about every testimonial talks about how the person made a profit from the start. So with your testimonials might be worth interviewing the customers and having their testimonials in audio or video format to ensure credibility.
  
  Thanks
  
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Absulote 14 years ago

At first glance.. i would say bigger text all around.. have some sort of a image above the headline versus the background! and put a picture of your self or partner in the guarantee box! ( whoever is better looking )
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Glovek77 14 years ago

Very appealing. I would say add some testimonials. The background is very pretty and attractive. A+
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Caetano 14 years ago

Hi,

I suggest letting people know how you (or someone you know) worked in an office, was hassled by their boss and never got any fresh air until they started a lawn mowing service. I think it's also vital to explain how quickly they can get set up.

On a more technical sense I really liked your sub-head: Is the next 10 years of your life something something you want to leave to chance?

I would give the actual name of the industry magazine you were featured (perhaps with a picture of it and your article to act as proof. I would also add more information regarding the people who provided you with some of the testimonials such as a photo and more information about them.

I didn't like the background either.

Hope this helps.
- Thanks
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Adam Stonehocker

14 years ago

Hi Guys, Thanks for all the advice, I went ahead and rewrote the Sales page. Haven't turned on my adwords just yet but please check it out and let me know what you think.

I did change a number of elements, it is completely different and I did take almost all of your critiques into consideration when redoing the page. Please let me know what you think.

Start a Lawn Care Business

Thanks,
Adam

Thanks
1 reply

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ewenmack

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Adam Stonehocker

Just had a quick look, as I'm heading out the door.

That lawnmower smack right in the headline is a major distraction...so would get rid of that.

Haven't had time to look at anything else.

All the best,
Ewen

Thanks

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nitesh 14 years ago

Include some video telling about the benefits of this business and submit it to high PR video sites like Youtube.
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RahulNag

14 years ago

Adam,

This is really a lot better with some really compelling headlines and content.

Probably start the testimonials lower down so people have a chance to read the copy. And need to make it easier to scan. Too much bold, my eyes focused out.

Use more blue headings throughout the initial text rather than bunching it up together.

I would also replace the checklist of what the power pack will do for you with:

Here's what the power pack will do for you:

Benefit 1: Work the hours you want, e.g. Tom Smith went from 18 hours a day to 18 hours a week and takes loads of vacations

Benefit 2: Generate high profit margins: once you have paid the equipment, it is almost all profit

Benefit 3: Build a loyal, hardworking team in 3 easy steps: these guys will be paying your mortgage on auto-pilot

Benefit 4: Do something you love - in nature much healthier for you, and fun!

Benefit 5: Make new friends: etc.

etc.

It is still too early to talk technical - the prospect should be visualising the freedom and enjoyment they will be receiving from going into the industry. By the end of the letter, they should be salivating and asking themselves why they had never thought about this

Then put the testimonials on the side bar at this point when you are introducing the actual products themselves. This then proves the effectiveness of the course.

I am not sure what others think but a classic Dear Friend, or Dear Frustrated Employee, and then your photo and location and the date would help people know more about you. Is your name Adam or Brandon etc.

and by the way

this comment in your P.S. section

The competition in this industry is extremely fierce

basically could destroy your whole sales letter. So you may need to reframe this. Otherwise you have spent the whole letter building up how amazing this industry is only to bring them back down to ground.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Treborrevo

14 years ago

Adam,

I'm late to this post, but looked at your latest version.

#1 the image in middle of headline is a problem. Put it above - Or lose it.

#2. The image is a problem. Are you selling lawnmowers? If yes, a clip art lawnmower isn't the best approach - a gorgeous product shot or shot of how effective/easy/simple it is to use. Or the perfectly groomed lawn...

But since you are selling freedom from a boss, security and being in control of your life - your image needs to sell that.

You need a shot of someone who is confident, prosperous and in control. There may be a lawnmower or yard equipment in the back.

But a clip-art shot of a lawnmower is not "selling success" which is your real product.

Does that make sense?

Edit: I just did a quick search and one of your competitors has hit the nail on the head with their pictures, copy, benefits and tone... As well as seasonal appeal. Check this link out - good swipe for you... http://www.startalawncarebusiness.com/

Thanks
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grandmasterflash

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Treborrevo

one of your competitors has hit the nail on the head with their pictures, copy, benefits and tone... As well as seasonal appeal. Check this link out - good swipe for you... Start a Lawn Care Business [/url]

The "timeliness" aspect of the pitch ("it's now August 2010 and...") is wonderful. I wonder if they've got the monthly content update automated.

Thanks
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jukeboxhero 14 years ago

1. Why waste you most valuable space (above the fold) with an ugly picture of a lawn mower...

the lawn mower's no ones dream and your basically reminding people that there will be work involved....

2. Listen, I was sitting in your exact position only 5 years ago... That's a very risky opener because your telling me you know my position. Why not just tell me where you were 5 years ago and if it matches my reality I'll know, otherwise you risk losing me before I even start...

3. Where is your prospects head at before they get to your site... Are they already interested in starting a lawn care business? Because if they are your wasting a TON of words on convincing someone how great it was for you to mow lawns...

My guess is if your running adwords to your site that people aren't clicking on "opportunity to make money" they're clicking on "starting a lawn business". Which means you don't need to sell them on the idea they are already sold Instead focus your copy on how you can help them do it very easily...

Which by the way you don't do until far down the page...

I would suggest opening with something like this...

Raking In Gobs Of Cash From Over 1,000 Residential Lawn contracts Didn't Happen by Accident. It Happened by Design.

Hello, My name is XXX and since my humble beginning back in the early spring of 2006 I've used a very specific set of tactics (yes, the one's you'll learn about in this letter) to turn my small mowing idea into a cash-getting lawn empire.

...and with your permission I'd like to show you EXACTLY how I did it.

yada, yada, yada...
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- tweeter 14 years ago
  
  has it made you any sales?
  
  Thanks
  
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RentItNow 14 years ago

I think the copy is fine except for one issue, the word "Listen" in the first paragraph. To me it is a condescending word to start with. I like your story as I remember being in the corporate world and thinkin the same thoughts. My girls actually go around doing this to make money to pay for their cell phones and cloths. Couple lawns a month, the retired people are happy and the girls are learning the value of money (wish they would learn the value of working smart as well as hard).

My main comment is to do with the design. Needs some serious work to increase credibility. Also, the hidden price thing always peeves me. I have tested a physical package myself before with bad results. It's way too much work and the people mainly wanted my forms right away anyway.

Good luck.
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I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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