5 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
5 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

My First Sales Copy - Critique Please

by Rensburg
4 replies
Good day copywriters!

I bought an amazing book on copywriting and studied it thoroughly. It took me many months of research and hard work to complete my first sales copy.

I sell voip phones to the South African market and the main focus of my copy is to persuade people who still uses analogue telephones to switch to voip phones...and ultimately buy my product.

I would appreciate any advice, and please don't be gentle with me. Although English is not my native language, it is not an excuse not to deliver a copy of high language and grammatical quality.

Here is the link: REMOVED - THIS THREAD IS NOW CLOSED

I also need some help with writing an attention grabbing title and description for the search engines.

Title: Discover Vox And South Africa's Fastest Selling Voip Phone
Description: Dramatically Reduce Your Phone Bill While You Try The Vox Voip Phone For Up To 60 Days Risk Free Guaranteed

My main keywords are: Vox, voip and voip phone

In my opinion my copy lacks power words. I am a final year engineering student and I am more comfortable with numbers than words!

Thank you very much for your help and time!

Regards
JR
#copy #critique #fists #sales
  • Profile picture of the author wcmylife
    Hi,

    Spent awhile reviewing it since I do IT Hypnotic Sales Copy - actually there's a lot of things that you need to change. The big ones would be, get your spelling correct

    1. Here is one of your headings-
    You Reserve The Right Cancel At Anytime

    2. Too much to critique on your copy for a free review, you have too many color combinations, some of the information is to vague, you are giving the customer too many options which will delay decision making and your structure can be improved not to mention your copy.

    Let me know if you need my help.
    Signature
    Hypnotic Headlines - Higher Conversions

    e-Mail: hypnoticheadlines@gmail.com
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2456854].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rensburg
      Originally Posted by wcmylife View Post

      Hi,

      Spent awhile reviewing it since I do IT Hypnotic Sales Copy - actually there's a lot of things that you need to change. The big ones would be, get your spelling correct

      1. Here is one of your headings-
      You Reserve The Right Cancel At Anytime

      2. Too much to critique on your copy for a free review, you have too many color combinations, some of the information is to vague, you are giving the customer too many options which will delay decision making and your structure can be improved not to mention your copy.

      Let me know if you need my help.
      Thank you very much for your input! About the colours, Vox is currently spending a lot of money on marketing, and they are known by those colours. But I will try to scale it down to less different colours.

      Thanks again!
      Much appreciated!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2457616].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author RahulNag
    Perhaps make the header image smaller and put the contact us and home links at the bottom of the page

    Then focus more on the benefits - especially deeper than just saving the money - i.e. what are the deeper needs of your customers

    and use pre-heads and deck bullets with proof underneath the headline

    Also have testimonials with photographs of people and especially if you can get reviews from South African magazines including telephony, newspapers and consumer publications to back it up.

    I recommend reviewing the John Ritz video of common copywriting mistakes as I am quoting what I have just learnt from watching the video - you can find it in the Warrior Forum - Copywriting section - Are You Making These Common Mistakes
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2457274].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rensburg
      Originally Posted by RahulNag View Post

      Perhaps make the header image smaller and put the contact us and home links at the bottom of the page

      Then focus more on the benefits - especially deeper than just saving the money - i.e. what are the deeper needs of your customers

      and use pre-heads and deck bullets with proof underneath the headline

      Also have testimonials with photographs of people and especially if you can get reviews from South African magazines including telephony, newspapers and consumer publications to back it up.

      I recommend reviewing the John Ritz video of common copywriting mistakes as I am quoting what I have just learnt from watching the video - you can find it in the Warrior Forum - Copywriting section - Are You Making These Common Mistakes
      Thanks for the tip!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2457629].message }}

Trending Topics