Hubby Did My Copy! Should I Sack Him?

...not sure what you're asking folks to look at.

Maybe if you share a URL so we can look at the page...?

-Dan

lol. If I say it's 12:45am, will that do as an excuse?

Link added to OP.

I didn't read it all but it's pretty confusing because the claim
is that the product makes you healthy and rich... then says
it helps you save money.

...saving money on food doesn't make you rich.

Negative appeals can work - positive appeals are usually better.

Tell them what they get, but don't confuse 'em. Don't make it
about your story. Make it about the reader's interests. If
your story strongly supports your reader getting what he or
she wants, use it to support your claim only.

Nobody wants to read about your internet marketing story if they
want to lose weight. Your success at making money online isn't
interesting in a dietary context.

My opinion is you're going to lose 'em in the headline because the
appeal isn't clear.

Five, six, seven paragraphs after the salutation and I still have no idea what this is about. I'd say get right down to business and lay it out there. Good luck.

Your husband has chops... but he's trying to be too clever.

Remember... your readers are lazy.

They want an immediate payoff... without having to "join the dots" in the sales pitch for you.

Talk about THEM and what THEIR problems are... and I bet this page will look very different (and convert a lot better).

-Dan

Melanie,

Here was my experience.

I tried to read with the TV in the background. I thought, let me mute the TV, because I'm not getting this.

Then, I thought, I'll turn off the picture too and CONCENTRATE.

And I still couldn't figure out what this was about...IF you know I am busy, as you say you do...why does it take so long to tell me what and/or who the enemy is?

I was totally lost in the opening, the top of the fold, all the way down to "Fad Diets" as being identified as the enemy. And by then, I was totally LOST and uninterested.

Let's look at your copy. At the top the eyey catches the 3 Shave, Save and Lose...I can barely read the 'cover' of your work on the left.

So who is this work targeted toward? The overweight working woman pressed for time to cook and who is on a tight food budget? Seems overly ambitious in my opinion.

Ok then, I've got 15 minutes a week to get wealthier and healtier...HOW?

Then you "tease" me with what you've done in the last 3 years and now I have to be patient and wait for you to tell me.

the flit from product to product thing doesn't fit in, I don't even know what this is...

then you tell me we have a mutual enemy.

And then blah, blah blah all the way down to and past testimonials for what, I don't know until I find the enemy is Fad Diets.

Of course, you can test this. I'd be very surprised if it worked for anyone.

I know that long copy is vogue for many here, and I use it myself, but you need to get to BENEFITS and reasons why much much sooner, like in the very beginning of your copy and tell people what the heck healthy eating is...what it can do for the reader.

It seems, in my reading experience, and although it was difficult for me, maybe because of ADD or the attention span of a flea...it took me forever to read it all and then I wondered why?

My opinion is your promotion could be half of what you wrote, put the BENEFITS up at the top, tell them what they are going to get, don't make them guess and wonder and try to discover the "enemy"...tell em what and why the enemy is WHY you have the solution.

Fire Hubby? NO, but tell him to quit taking all the copy advice he's read to heart.

YOU write the copy to your best friend (Deb below), your sister.

Dear BFF,

Healthy eating has changed my life Deb. I'm so much happier now and I've even got some extra money in my bank account to buy some of the fun things in life.

You and I have a common enemy. FAD diets. You know, LA diet, watermelon diet, pumpkin diet, south beach, atkins, tinkers to evers to chance diet.

etc etc.

I guarantee a more PERSONAL letter with your story weaved into it will work far better thant his "copywriting" APPROACH your hubs has adapeted. As it is now, it sounds like someone (YOU) are trying very hard to SELL someone something.

Try, instead, to tell your best friend, your mother WHAT you have and WHY.

Get out of the trying to sell something and into HELPING people and try writing from the heart and not the head.

gjabiz

PS. Just one opinion. Now, I'm turning my TV back on, I'm EXHAUSTED after reading your sales pitch.

Melanie,

Like Gordon says, you need to get to the point. Quickly.

People are not going to wait till they get half way down to find out what it's all about.

Assume your prospect is only going to look at the page for less than 10 seconds before leaving. Tell them what it's about within that time.

Imagine you just have to make that sale - Now tell your prospect all the benefits of the product and why they should buy it. Now.

You husband has ideas for writing copy - that's good.

Now he needs to work on structure and editing out what
doesn't work.

Many salesletters are started with a headline and a "deck"
that doesn't make it into the final version. Even top pros
keep re-writing the stuff at the top until the very end of the
writing process. Sometimes the direction of the letter evolves
in writing it and you have to go back and rebuild the front
end of it. This is not a flaw, just the process. The mistake
is running your copy without really working on the top
and the order form, which are where the 2 critical decisions
take place: the decision to explore your offer and the
decision to buy.

A few have already mentioned this, but I still want to reiterate that the head and the letter itself are far too vague. The claims are too broad to grab attention or be believable.

Most of the copy can be eliminated and replaced with a front-loaded problem/solution formula....bullets with strong benefits (specifics) should follow. As it is now, its a long (very long) story that goes nowhere... Just a graphics note: The light gray bullet paragraphs alternating with black text paragraphs does not work - hard to read.

Oh, and every husband deserves credit when he's trying to help his wife...:-)
_____
Bruce

I agree with what everyone else has been saying... It needs to get to the point quite a bit faster. Think about WIIFM (What's in it for me)... That's what your readers are thinking about when they read through yours sales page. If they can't figure out what you're offering them and why it benefits them quickly, it's over.

As mentioned above, personal stories are great if they support the product/service you're trying to sell and relate well with the average reader.

Add some big benefit bullets and get to the point a lot faster. You'll see some major improvements in your conversion percentages! Frankly, for a $17 product, you really don't need a sales page that's this lengthy in my opinion. As it is now, most people won't make it to the "Add to cart" button.

Cheers,


Joshua

P.S. - Your sales letter has a lot of "I'm going to do this..." phrases... Try changing these types of phrases to "you're going to get...", "you'll be able to...", "you'll (big benefit statement here)". This will make the sales letter substantially better. More "you" and less "I".

You'll have a hard time selling this.

Here's why:

I hit the buy button and it went to some other diet site where I don't see where you can actually buy anything. The buy area is a very sticky area and often times I see cases like this. The product developer often wonders why no sales are coming in. I'm guessing the buy area is still in development or something, but make sure you change this.

I'd choose to be more direct and probably cut the number of words in half. When I read the part about the moths, my thought was that it would be great as a creative writing exercise, but most likely not in copywriting for a diet product.

That said, good luck with your sales... it's definitely the sort of thing that people are begging for... make it easier for them to be convinced this is what they want by being direct and in less time. One example is that I don't think people will care too much about saving money and time, etc. If they're looking for a diet to become healthier, that would be the main concern, not saving money or time in the kitchen.

Okay, why aren't the testimonials about how the buyers think the food tastes great, they felt no hunger pains, and lost 17 pounds -- or the doctor told them they can stop taking their diabetes medication?

If you realize I'm so busy, then why are you pawing the ground for paragraphs rather than getting to the point? Is this a philosophy book, because where's the food?

You went to university? For what? How about something relevant, like you're a professional nutritionist. You go on and on, but seem to fanatically avoid any specific which would lend credibility to your story. (Stories have detail. Yours doesn't)

There is no detail, like you offer fifty children's lunch recipes that kids won't trade for junk when they get to school. That you tested this, with a bunch of kids. Maybe while you were "wining the war," "shifting the battlefield," or whatever. Dump that. Detail what actually happened ....at diabetes support groups ...in school cafeterias ....at weight watchers anonymous meetings

What this seems is a battlefield without any battles. And certainly no wins.

Or any scrap of detail that this won't seem like a sacrifice.

The whole letter goes out if its way to avoid any real information for making the decision to buy. It's all vague generalities without a hook, a single detail, or a reason for any specific target customer to buy. Unfocused and unsure of what you're really selling, the copy doesn't seem to want to say anything.

Guys...

It has been a few days. On behalf of my husband and I, thank you so much.

Loren, travelinguy, Daniel, ewen, gja, rezbi, bruce, mrdomains, joshua, katharin, and john... THANK YOU!

Based on the contributions of most of you, he took another stab.

He's gone away from the 'fighting fad diets' focus...

Check it out: Healthy Eating Handbook ? A Guide To Good Health On A Budget

Again, if you dare to look, honest opinions are appreciated.

Are you a registered dietician? Is that what RN stands for? The sales letter doesn't get into that at the beginning and your letter "Dear Freinds," doesn't feature it up front.

The headline doesn't let me know that you're selling a dietary product. I'm confused right off the bat and ready to move on.

The most compelling part is your letter that describes your expertise and offers you proof that you could do much more with -- especially if you are a dietician. Where are the results? Get them out there quicly. I'd move this letter much closer to the headline. That is after I changed the headline.

Todd

Well, it has been a while.

A year in fact!!! Which I can hardly believe.

Sales haven't been great. Apart from a few concentrated efforts of sending traffic, we're only getting a few sales from this page/month.

The conversion has been about 1%.

However, my husband looked at it last night and this morning (he's supposed to be doing other stuff!!) and he has:

• Redesigned the header.
  
• Given it a new headline and sub-headline.
  
• Reworded a lot of it, especially the opening number of sentences up to 'Dear Friend'.
  
• Tried to focus who it communicates with a little more.
  
• And cut the overall copy from 3,417 words to 2,973.

If anyone has a moment, we'd love feedback.

Visit: How to be Healthy

P.S. I need to get my husband to focus on the NEW project. Any tips for that?

Personally, I think your hubby's missed a trick. You clearly have some great credentials to sell an ebook on healthy eating, but we have to scroll down the page to find out who you are, and then, there's only a couple of sentences. I'd develop this, and put it much closer to the beginning.

You also don't answer the question about why the information in your handbook is different from the information that you give away on your blog. If I was feeling really tight, I'd think that I could get all this stuff for free on the internet... so why should I pay you the money for an ebook?

I also wonder whether your copy is too knowing for the diet market too. He talks about you not being a marketer or a salesperson right at the beginning, but would your target audience really be aware of the whole internet marketing thing? Again, something to think about....

I looked over your site, and thought it was quite boring.

Get rid of the stock photos at the top -- take some pics and videos -- you can use your cell phone if that's all you have.

Example: You grocery shopping, showing you picking good food choices, etc. Even if it's not professional, people love amateur stuff - example youtube.com.

The headlines under the pics at the top were lame.

"25 Fat Loss Tips To Get You In Shape". Who cares, it's not a new headline that inspires anyone to read further.

You're not thinking through the benefits -- why do they want to get in shape?

"Better Sex", probably would grab more attention. Most people have ulterior motives to getting in better shape or eating better. You need to focus on the benefits more in your headlines. After all, being in good shape leads to a better sex life, right? Sex sells. Don't be shy about using it in your promotions.

We're a sex crazed society -- it sells billions on T.V, radio, and in print ads -- learn to take advantage of it.

Diets and exercise programs are all about people wanting to look good. It's all about the way they want to be perceived sexually - just being honest.

What makes some copywriters good is that they know how to take a product and strip it all the way down to the most simplest, every day basic benefit that people are looking for - then drive it home.

You haven't yet thought your way through what you're offering. You need to sit down and brainstorm your way down to the nitty gritty -- that's when you start hitting pay dirt.

Kill the pop-up, it sounds like a desperate plea for email addresses.

I was looking through some of your other headlines, they were boring also.

Your husband is trying -- but he's trying to be cute in a way that plays it safe, he's not hitting the emotions that get people to buy.

You've got to get bold -- quit trying to pander to the little old ladies...as far as they're concerned, your 1980 Ford Escort is still running, so what else would you want?

Get out there, get bold and go after the real money.

Replies to you all are coming soon. Thank you.

But I just wanted to address one person...

@max5ty
Thank you for taking the time to give your thoughts.

HOWEVER... you're not on the same page. Literally!

I was actually completely lost when I started reading your comment, lol.

You're passing comments on my blog, which although it's 'selling' to some degree, it has an entirely different goal than a sales pages.

I'll take what you said to heart where it is relevant. But the sales page the rest of us are looking at is here: How To Be Healthy: The Healthy Eating Plan Teaching You How To Eat Healthy for Life

Come and join us once you get off the drugs and come back to earth

Ok, well, I just looked over things here, and I guess you have more than one post where you're asking for help.

I just noticed this post was started over a year ago.

I'll try and get off the drugs, but you make it confusing with all the different posts.

I was -- oh heck who knows, I was offering advice on your website.

Thanks for the advice -- been thinking about being drug free for quite a while now.

I liked it (and he has an excellent writing style) but it's a bit long.

I *ALSO* wanted to know the price MUCH earlier. I don't like clicking on a "click here" and finding out someone wants me to shell out $100 or something. I want a price up front.

The weird fonts, different sized on the first line turned me off.

It's hard to read and causes eye strain.

So, as a buyer, I'm gone before I get to the headline.

M E

Hi Melanie,

I think you guys did a pretty good job. I can tell who your target is, and I do know what you are selling. Just to add my little two cents. I liked the "In Less Time It Takes You To Read This Page, You Can Ensure Every Meal That Your Family Eats This Week Is Healthy!"

I think that definitely (Those Words), should be the very first thing that your vistors should see when they arrive on you site. I understand that you are building credibility with facts and figures, but to many grouped up in places can slow down the reader and make your copy boring. (Just one now and then sprinkled about will do the job.)

The Graphic can be in the middle, and at the bottom....

Also in my humble opinion, there is way to many sub-heads and they are way too large. It is a little distracting. You can do away with half of the copy, and use your book pages as Bullet Points. Because they show the benefits that you customer will receive.

You guys have some great stuff there. Just don't try to be too fancy. (Copywriting Fancy).

Now all you have to do is just cut an trim a little bit and test ... tweak...test ... tweak.

Congratulations ... with time you product will be flying off the virtual shelves.