Critique my copy?

Yep, that's fine. Post away...

I have tried to use a number of transfers and appeals in my writing. I frequently use personal appeal, welfare/morale appeal, and most commonly the common sense appeal. I try hard to not bank on sensationalism, or fear mongering because I just don't think it is very classy. I am seriously considering using my GI Bill to get a real education in PR/Writing, and I think that I have -some- talent in this area. Any tips or recommendations about how to write better?

-Thomas






[Name of organization]
Stop All Foreign Aid Immediately

Hundreds of billions of dollars are sent overseas every year while our people remain in need. Our schools need funding, our infrastructure needs rebuilding and our citizens fight to keep their bills paid. This money should be used to support the decaying Social Security and Medicare programs, to help send our children to college, and to rebuild our infrastructure. Keep American Taxes in America!
The fifth plank of [name of organization] platform is to stop all foreign aid immediately. Contrary to popular belief there are Americans who are starving, and others that are forced to submit to substandard public schools. As of 2008 there were 49.1 million Americans living in hunger. That's right, there is such a thing as a starving American. Of those, 16.7 million are children. The USDA euphemistically calls these millions of people "food insecure with hunger."
America should have nothing less than 100% literacy rate among adults, so it is shocking that America ranks 21st in literacy rate world wide. American schools should be a model for the benefit of public education, yet still there are Americans that cannot read or fail to competently function in society because of illiteracy. With [name of organization], you can help change this tragedy.

Thirty-eight percent of big-city schools report at least one inadequate building, compared with 30 percent of schools in rural areas and 20 percent of schools on the fringe of cities. Additionally, 67 percent of inner-city schools,
serving nearly 10 million students, report the need to repair or replace plumbing, heating, or foundations. A GAO report in February 1995 stated it would cost about $111 billion to repair schools nationwide.

$100 billion is a considerable sum, but it is not impossible for the federal government to find the funds. In fact, the required funds could be accumulated in a few short years. The amount of foreign military aid for Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, Egypt, Pakistan, Colombia, Jordan, Palestine and Yemen is nearly $20 billion dollars for the year 2010. Additionally, the United States is the largest international aid donor with $22.7 billion provided internationally in
2006. Fixing our schools is not a priority for the federal government. The federal government has instead opted to subsidize the military strength of foreign nations. The federal government says that foreign aid is more important than preparing your children for success and improving the welfare of those who are "food insecure with hunger."

The multitude of foreign aid programs that the federal government spends your money on every year do not help Americans, or American interests. Nations that receive foreign aid from the United States frequently, and almost
predictably, vote against American interests in the United Nations council. Why do we persist to feed the foreign nations that bite our outstretched hand?

For a variety of reasons, foreign aid programs offered in the forms of food, money, or military support only make the recipient nation more dependent on the provider. As one example, when rice and grain is offered to a depressed
nation it drives down their local price of rice and grain. This places local farms in direct competition with a foreign government in the price of locally grown produce. Just think what would happen to your family farm if it had to compete against a foreign government in an open market. For the sake of prosperity and free enterprise of those abroad, and at home, foreign aid must stop. Please contact us today to learn more about a morally responsible foreign aid policy.

Keep American Taxes in America to Provide Aid to American Communities!

FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT
[contact information displayed]

Hey Tom,

The emotion you want to inject this with is anger...

Anger at the crooked, greedy, self-serving politicians who treat your hard-earned taxes like monopoly money.

You want a stronger headline, yours is direct but might turn people off with its bluntness. Do a little research and try something like "Did You Know The US Government Spends More On Foreign Aid Than On ____?"

Then immediately expand on it - That's right, while X Americans are struggling to ____, Washington's giving away $__ of your money.

And - unless you're limited by space - break up your writing more, this'll not only make it easier to read, but more importantly, it'll make it look easier to read.

Use subheads (mini-headlines) through-out your copy, "Nearly 50 million Americans are going hungry", "Over 2/3 of our schools need urgent repairs", "Our money actually HURTS the countries it goes to".

To learn to write better simply read more. For copy, you want to study pieces written by the likes of Gary Bencivenga, Clayton Makepeace, Gary Halbert and John Carlton.

Hope this is of some use to you. If you want anything more specific, just ask.

Thanks, Andrew. I will have to check those folks out. I am, unfortunately, constrained to keeping the message body, headline, tagline, and contact info on one side of a page. What usually happens is that the person who reads this may not read all of it, but they will see the name of the organization and our website. I wanted to post a link to the document, but I can't do that 'till I make at least 15 posts. Bummer. Thanks again for the input. I know it will help me when I get around to doing some more.

-Thomas

I agree with the break up of the copy.

With all the stats and numbers and percentages it all gets lost in the big jumble of the page.

Your theme of Stop sending aid is lost after about the 2nd paragraph because you talk heavily about the numbers. People don't like all the numbers. See if you can elaborate on your idea with fewer stats.

I think maybe too many subtopics or they are just not organized in a way that they lend help. Too many over stimulates the reader and they forget why or what they are reading.

You talk about money, illiteracy rates, free rice driving down prices. It's a lot to take in.

I don't want to say dumb it down, but...

Even though this information is distributed as a free tract, much in the same fashion as a daily newspaper, would that change the way it is used? What the organization wants is to offer information and news on a timely topic while also spreading awareness of the organization. I will have to work it out with the client about how much copy to produce (or not produce...) in favor of getting a more productive kickback. Thanks again for the advice.

-Thomas