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Newbie in copy writing - Need Help with sales page critique

by Richard Essi
13 replies
Hey warriors,

Let me me keep it short and straight to the point.

About a 9 days ago I was recently graciously challenged right here in the warrior forum to go and make money in another niche before getting the help I needed on a certain project I was working on.

I actually decided to take the challenge head on, and I have not stopped since then...

I have therefore decided to take massive action and surpass myself.

Here is what I did:

1. I found a hot buying niche (relationships..dating and getting ex back).
2. Did extensive research and created a Free report and a product (e-book)
3.Found and reserved a SEO domain name
4.Outsourced the graphic design of my e-cover
5.Modified a converting squeeze page and sales letter

Here is where I need your help guys.....it's on point no. 5

If you don't mind, can you guys RIP apart my sales letter?? I can handle criticism....I know we have some amazing pros in this community, and where else would I go?

Please RIP away!!

PART I

" Relationship Expert Discovers The Secret Of
How To Get Your Ex Back In Six Steps And How To Keep Them For Good"
Here's How To Make Sure You Don't Miss Out On A Potentially Long Lasting Relationship!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
From: Richard Hermann
RE: Get Your Ex Back And Change Your Life Forever

You know, I haven't always been a " Relationship expert".

I was more like a clueless, and overly "nice guy", who kept getting dumped every single time! It would come in the form of:

"I need some space...let's take a break" type phrases. These two phrases are responsible for the radical changes that occurred in my life that made me who I am today.

I didn't get the "get out now...!" or the "It's over...I'm breaking up with you" lines. NO.

Instead, I got the real soft but extremely painful rejection of "needing space to sort personal stuff out" and all what not.

Plus, I usually had the "dagger in the heart" request to REMAIN friends.

Meet Erin. When Erin and I met, it was nothing but sparks and chemistry flying all over the place. We kept on getting "...Oh...you guys are so sweet together", and " ...You guys were really meant to be together".

Apart from living under the same roof, Erin and I did everything else together. We even once took a 3-weeks trip to Europe, and stayed a whole FULL week in Paris!

Our relationship continued to thrive, and this continued for 4-years! Yes, we had our little fights and squabbles, but nothing different from what other couples were going through.

This continued until one day Erin made a comment that really caught me off-guard.

Here is what she said....and I quote:

"Richard, you are an amazing guy and you are so sweet and good to me..." That's about all I remember hearing!

When I sort of came back to my senses, she was staring at me waiting for me to answer a question that I had obviously not heard, nor understood.

Basically, what Erin was asking me was if it was Ok that we took some time off, just so she could sort out some personal issues. So, she just wanted to check with me if I was Ok with that. Naturally, my response was:

"Sure...no problem Erin!"

In my heart, I knew right there and then that this was the beginning of the end of our relationship...and yes, I was right. It was the beginning of the end.

What followed is too long to describe. Suffice to say that I made a total fool of myself, and in the process drove Erin very far away. Sad story...but true!

To make a very long story short, I ended up having another identical break up experience.

These two break up experiences acted as the trigger that pushed me to start asking some very brutally honest questions about myself, and relationships as a whole.

I spent the following 7 years applying and testing the getting your ex back system that you are about to discover

In the process, I helped many friends and relatives to see things straight, and rekindle relationships that looked bleaker than a Tsunami alert.

Some of the people I helped realized that their ex did not deserve them, and moved on, while several others succeeded in getting their ex back, but under their own terms, and with redefined standards.

The underlying and recurrent theme that keeps coming up in all these instances is that

ALL couples if given the RIGHT TOOLS can be reunited!

This is why I have written this book. So, please, allow me to help you.

I know things are hard right now, because I have been through this, and have helped countless others get through their "hell".

Do you ever wonder why it can be so hard to get over a breakup? You try everything out there, and nothing seems to really work.

Well...

I am about to reveal to you a powerful method to get your ex back... without losing your dignity ... in little to no time... Want to know the secret?

This Amazing System Reveals The Secrets No One Else Is Telling You, Time-Tested And Proven Strategies That You Can Use Right Now To...
· Get rid of the excruciating pain of rejection, ....regain confidence and emerge stronger, fitter and more confident than ever
  • Heal and master your emotions, and make yourself even more IRRESISTABLE.
  • Discover how simple it is to get your Ex to call you NO MATTER how bad the break up was.
  • 6 essential steps to getting your ex back under YOUR terms
  • Get to the bottom or what REALLY happened and permanently fix all the damages... and make your ex commit like never before.
  • Easy, fast and effortless ways to attract your ex back even if they are already with someone else.
  • Overcome hurdles you'll find when attempting to win your ex back and how to leap those hurdles like you are a gold medal sprinter at the Olympics!
  • Discover practically unknown secrets that are being used by a select few to attract and keep their partners
  • Know if your Ex is that "special one" and what to do if they are not
  • Determine when is the right time to reestablish contact with your ex
· And much, much more!


PART II

This Is Not Like Anything You've Ever Seen Before Now

First off, this is not for everyone. If you are not ready to ask yourself some hard and honest questions, you will not benefit from this book. I have made it a mission of mine to help ONLY those who WANT to be helped. Which one are you?

There is no magic blue pill or red pill for you to take that will AUTOMATICALLY bring your ex back. There is no such thing except in movies maybe.

Let's face it, I know you are in pain right now, and you could just about gobble any and everything just to feel better and get out of this terrible situation you are in.

The methods I cover in my guide have been used on friends, relatives and strangers.

Plus....

Each method has been personally used by me to obtain many spectacular results.

The big question is.....will it work for you? I am no magician, but I am as close to one as you can get.

Anyone who GUARANTEES you 100% success is to be looked upon with caution. Think about...even doctors cannot guarantee the outcome of the simplest of operations, yet you trust them right?

If you follow the guide and the EXACT order of the action steps I have laid out for you, you will be amazed at the results you get.

Plus, for those of you who decide to join me in this journey here are 3 additional FREE powerful bonuses you will be receiving as members of my inner circle:

ü Monthly Webinars with myself and other relationship experts
ü Continuous Tips and Advice
ü Instructional videos and recordings
ü Access to my other books and resources on relationships

For those of you who are ready to really roll your sleeves up and put my system to work, and can prove to me that you are applying the techniques detailed in the guide, you will have SPECIAL and DIRECT access to me and my circle of experts on EVERYTHING that has to do with having and maintaining successful relationships.

the rest should be fine.

Thanks guys

Richard
#copy #critique #newbie #page #sales #writing
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Stop writing from your point of view and start writing from
    your reader's point of view.

    Make it a "you" letter, basically.

    You may have to chuck a lot of what you've written to do that.
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Essi
      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      Stop writing from your point of view and start writing from
      your reader's point of view.

      Make it a "you" letter, basically.

      You may have to chuck a lot of what you've written to do that.

      Thanks Loren....

      I was under the impression that there needed to be an "I" in the personal story part of the sales letter....
      Signature
      Confused? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? And Tired? Let's Talk...
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      --Gillian Anderson
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by Richard Essi View Post

        I was under the impression that there needed to be an "I" in the personal story part of the sales letter....
        You're right, obviously the story about yourself will be "I" heavy.

        But your letter never really gets away from that. You need to focus on the prospect, on how they're feeling, on what they want and on what they don't want, etc.

        And then you need to match that up to your product.
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        Andrew Gould

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        • Profile picture of the author Richard Essi
          Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

          You're right, obviously the story about yourself will be "I" heavy.

          But your letter never really gets away from that. You need to focus on the prospect, on how they're feeling, on what they want and on what they don't want, etc.

          And then you need to match that up to your product.
          Thanks Andrew! Makes alot of sense!

          Reworking the sales letter right now...

          Richard
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          --Gillian Anderson
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      • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
        Originally Posted by Richard Essi View Post

        Thanks Loren....

        I was under the impression that there needed to be an "I" in the personal story part of the sales letter....

        Even though a lot of IM letters use boastful personal stories, it's
        not a tactic used too often in the top-performing direct mail stuff I
        usually try to model.

        Your prospect's interest in your story, of how you learned your skills
        or whatever, pales in comparison to his interest in himself and
        how he can solve his problem most easily.

        Copywriting is an art, so there's no one way to do it or a right way to
        do it, but my advice is to focus your headline and deck copy
        exclusively on the reader's self-interest, not your story. The
        story copy may make the copy richer, and buyers will read it,
        often in curiosity after they've decided to buy, but I doubt
        very much you will persuade many people to buy with your own
        story.


        Focus instead on the benefit to the reader and tell him about the
        mechanism that will make his results come so effortlessly. After
        you've told him that he may be interested in the story of how
        you developed your system.
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        • Profile picture of the author Richard Essi
          Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

          Even though a lot of IM letters use boastful personal stories, it's
          not a tactic used too often in the top-performing direct mail stuff I
          usually try to model.

          Your prospect's interest in your story, of how you learned your skills
          or whatever, pales in comparison to his interest in himself and
          how he can solve his problem most easily.

          Copywriting is an art, so there's no one way to do it or a right way to
          do it, but my advice is to focus your headline and deck copy
          exclusively on the reader's self-interest, not your story. The
          story copy may make the copy richer, and buyers will read it,
          often in curiosity after they've decided to buy, but I doubt
          very much you will persuade many people to buy with your own
          story.


          Focus instead on the benefit to the reader and tell him about the
          mechanism that will make his results come so effortlessly. After
          you've told him that he may be interested in the story of how
          you developed your system.
          Wow! It's amazing how subtle, but at the same time how powerful it can be to focus entirely on the user's pain. I now understand that getting the reader to nod in agreement with the solutions you are proposing is the quickest way to establish rapport...

          Boy...am I learning stuff!!

          Thanks again Loren (feel like l keep repeating myself here...)

          Richard
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          Confused? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? And Tired? Let's Talk...
          How To Think And Become A Successful Webpreneur"By Richard Essi

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          --Gillian Anderson
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        Originally Posted by Richard Essi View Post

        Thanks Loren....

        I was under the impression that there needed to be an "I" in the personal story part of the sales letter....
        Only sort of.

        Basically you have "your" story, but you write it in such a way the reader can really feel it.

        For example...

        ================

        Hi... my name's xxx... and a little while ago my relationship was on the rocks.

        Maybe you've been there...

        You and your girlfriend do xyz...

        She abc's your def...

        And her 123's are almost like 456's.

        (NOTE: You can do this as bullets too... just an example).

        At least... that's what happened to me.

        But I figured we were okay. After all... every couple goes through rough patches.. right?

        But then she dropped the bombshell on me that would blah blah blah...

        ==============

        That's a very quick, off-the-top-of-my-head, formulaic example. It's not brilliant, but hopefully it gets the point across.

        You want to constantly reference the reader and their pain... even when you're writing your story.

        This is just one way to do that (Hans' approach is great too), but it's something I've found quite effective.

        Kind regards,

        -Dan
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        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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        • Profile picture of the author Richard Essi
          Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

          Only sort of.

          Basically you have "your" story, but you write it in such a way the reader can really feel it.

          For example...

          ================

          Hi... my name's xxx... and a little while ago my relationship was on the rocks.

          Maybe you've been there...

          You and your girlfriend do xyz...

          She abc's your def...

          And her 123's are almost like 456's.

          (NOTE: You can do this as bullets too... just an example).

          At least... that's what happened to me.

          But I figured we were okay. After all... every couple goes through rough patches.. right?

          But then she dropped the bombshell on me that would blah blah blah...

          ==============

          That's a very quick, off-the-top-of-my-head, formulaic example. It's not brilliant, but hopefully it gets the point across.

          You want to constantly reference the reader and their pain... even when you're writing your story.

          This is just one way to do that (Hans' approach is great too), but it's something I've found quite effective.

          Kind regards,

          -Dan
          Hey Dan,

          Thanks for the heads up.

          All these different tips are starting to paint a better picture of how to present things to my prospects.

          Couple of things I have picked up already....(Please correct me if I am missing something)

          1. Write in such a way that you highlight the pain of the prospect while linking their pain to a benefit/solution
          2. Not selling MY system, but selling THE solution
          3.My story is told witha as much association to THEIR pain as possible
          4. Very short sentences....2-4 line paragaphs

          Thanks again,

          Richard
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          Confused? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? And Tired? Let's Talk...
          How To Think And Become A Successful Webpreneur"By Richard Essi

          Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears.
          --Gillian Anderson
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  • Profile picture of the author Hans Klein
    Good job on taking action.

    Study this bad boy: Stop Your Divorce! By Homer McDonald

    See how the opening speaks directly to the guy (or person) searching for it. It speaks to his/her pain and offers hope.

    Stories are great... but it needs to really be about your prospect. Here's an example:

    It was like any other night...

    I got home from work...

    Grabbed a beer...

    And flipped on the TV.

    Then she walked into the room.

    Something was off. Different.

    She told me, "it's over".

    I was blind-sided.

    Sure, I knew things weren't perfect...

    But I never expected this.

    Yada, Yada...

    Then you go on to explain how you began searching for the secret... you uncovered it... and it worked like a charm. Whatever your story is.

    Anyway, I hope you get the idea. Something like this:

    1. The surprise
    2. The feelings of shock
    3. The revelation
    4. The resolution the prospect is after (what you share in the book)
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Essi
      Originally Posted by Hans Klein View Post

      Good job on taking action.

      Study this bad boy: Stop Your Divorce! By Homer McDonald

      See how the opening speaks directly to the guy (or person) searching for it. It speaks to his/her pain and offers hope.

      Stories are great... but it needs to really be about your prospect. Here's an example:

      It was like any other night...

      I got home from work...

      Grabbed a beer...

      And flipped on the TV.

      Then she walked into the room.

      Something was off. Different.

      She told me, "it's over".

      I was blind-sided.

      Sure, I knew things weren't perfect...

      But I never expected this.

      Yada, Yada...

      Then you go on to explain how you began searching for the secret... you uncovered it... and it worked like a charm. Whatever your story is.

      Anyway, I hope you get the idea. Something like this:

      1. The surprise
      2. The feelings of shock
      3. The revelation
      4. The resolution the prospect is after (what you share in the book)
      Thanks Hans...taking action is the first step....making mistakes the second, and tweaking and testing the next.....and I strongly believe the rewards are not too far off.

      Real nuggets you have given me there.

      Much appreciated.

      Richard
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      Confused? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? And Tired? Let's Talk...
      How To Think And Become A Successful Webpreneur"By Richard Essi

      Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears.
      --Gillian Anderson
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob Maggs
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Essi
      Originally Posted by moonfish View Post

      I agree with the other poster's here, I liked your writing and it drew me in, but it's something I've never had a problem with so it's something I struggle to relate to.

      It's all about pressing those emotional hot buttons and really empathizing with the poor individuals problems...by putting yourself in their sadly desperate shoes and writing from that perspective...stress the frustration and the desperation and how your wonderful product will provide the answers to all their problems.

      Thanks for the encouragement...
      Signature
      Confused? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? And Tired? Let's Talk...
      How To Think And Become A Successful Webpreneur"By Richard Essi

      Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears.
      --Gillian Anderson
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  • Profile picture of the author jewel3000
    Interesting challenge, and your sales letter is off to a really good start!

    Here are a few of my thoughts about the sales letter:

    1. In headline, I'd rather see that the expert REVEALS the secrets, not simply discovered them. If he just "discovered" them himself, he's shot his credibility with me, can't really be that great an expert.

    2. Also in headline, the "long lasting relationship" doesn't feel grounded in what people are really challenged with. People need help with the more immediate, tactical issues. Be more specific maybe. "Learn the Seductive Secrets to Becoming an Irresistible Goddess That Men Obsess Over and Keep Him Hooked For Life!"

    3. But then, your RE: says this is about getting back your ex . . . Seems like you should have mentioned this up in the headline. Now it seems like you're selling me 2 entirely different books / themes. One if I'm in a rocky relationship and want to make it last forever, the other if that relationship already ended. Pick one theme and bang it out. Allude to the other aspect further down.

    4. You're telling your personal story too soon, in my opinion. You first need to talk to ME about MY problems. Prove that you understand all my misery and worries, you SERIOUSLY GET ME!?! "Friends and family know how unhappy you are . . . You've tried to call her to straighten it out, but she's not accepting your calls . . . You made some HUGE mistakes, and now I'm going to show you exactly how to fix them . . . "

    (Doing this makes me think about my relationship issues and consider that you just might know something I need to learn!)

    Hope this helps. You're almost there. They always require edits beyond what seems sane, but that's the only way you get it tight. EVERYone has to tweak and tweak and tweak till they pass out, so welcome to the club.
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Essi
      Originally Posted by jewel3000 View Post

      Interesting challenge, and your sales letter is off to a really good start!

      Here are a few of my thoughts about the sales letter:

      1. In headline, I'd rather see that the expert REVEALS the secrets, not simply discovered them. If he just "discovered" them himself, he's shot his credibility with me, can't really be that great an expert.

      2. Also in headline, the "long lasting relationship" doesn't feel grounded in what people are really challenged with. People need help with the more immediate, tactical issues. Be more specific maybe. "Learn the Seductive Secrets to Becoming an Irresistible Goddess That Men Obsess Over and Keep Him Hooked For Life!"

      3. But then, your RE: says this is about getting back your ex . . . Seems like you should have mentioned this up in the headline. Now it seems like you're selling me 2 entirely different books / themes. One if I'm in a rocky relationship and want to make it last forever, the other if that relationship already ended. Pick one theme and bang it out. Allude to the other aspect further down.

      4. You're telling your personal story too soon, in my opinion. You first need to talk to ME about MY problems. Prove that you understand all my misery and worries, you SERIOUSLY GET ME!?! "Friends and family know how unhappy you are . . . You've tried to call her to straighten it out, but she's not accepting your calls . . . You made some HUGE mistakes, and now I'm going to show you exactly how to fix them . . . "

      (Doing this makes me think about my relationship issues and consider that you just might know something I need to learn!)

      Hope this helps. You're almost there. They always require edits beyond what seems sane, but that's the only way you get it tight. EVERYone has to tweak and tweak and tweak till they pass out, so welcome to the club.

      Hi Jewel!

      I decided to completely rewrite the sales letter by mirroring a similar one in my niche. I will post it here once I am done...

      I agree with the critiques you made, they are right on.....too general and not direct enough.

      In my new sales letter I also decided to just go with black and white and avoid the red. Maybe it's worth testing...but the sales copy that I swiped appears to be VERY successful it is in the link that Hans provided in his post.

      Again, I appreciate your input

      Richard
      Signature
      Confused? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? And Tired? Let's Talk...
      How To Think And Become A Successful Webpreneur"By Richard Essi

      Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears.
      --Gillian Anderson
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