This is not meant for advert (already in WFH) STRICTLY Critique please...

by VyctorB_10

Posted: 14 years ago 11 replies

COPY WRITING

I have already submitted this to the Warrior For Hire Section (Pending Approval), so it needs not advertise here twice again (please don't delete)...

Since I am a newbie here, just wanna get some feed back to tweek my 1st ever sales letter here on WF would be cool & interesting to see yall expert critiques and refining feedback, THANKS! If any errors you can check it in my sig, again.....

Vyctor~

"TREASON PAYS!!! #1 SEO THRONE & GOOGLE SITES TO SHOE SHINE YOU!" - *VYCTORIOUS WRYTERS*

SHHH!... Here at "VYCTORIOUS WRYTERS", there is more than just Exploding Virally over that #1 SEO THRONE and GOOGLE SITES for "Top-Of-The-Food-Chain-Traffic" Marketing, and then Boasting over those Jesters Scavenging with Re-Spun-Through-The-Sausage-Filler-Machine-Articles for a Measly Dollar - We Pride our Time & Genius much more than that! - And Who's Clowning? Let's admit it, we Hate "Bonkers" Sales Ads just as much as YOU do!...

So let's just skip on over to *Your Crowning Ceremony* Shall We? J Shhh!... Success is kept Secret, and so shall our business alliance. No Circus Ring Master or Curious Spider-Monkey has to know Our Secretor play Writer-Copycat as to how VYCTORIOUS WRYTERS Hailed YOU to #1 SEO THRONE and Overdrove beyond GOOGLE SITES' Keyword Gravity with Majestic Traffic Banked into Your Wealth & Royal Domain!

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1.) "SHOULD ON THY SOUL & FACE A SMILE DOTH NOT WEIGH? - THEN THOU DOTH NOT PAY!"*
2.) "SHOULD OUR SERVITUDE PROMT DELAY BEYOND 1 DAY? - THEN THOU DOTH NOT PAY!"*
3.) "SHOULD WE FAIL COPYSCAPE'S TRACE OF RE-MASQUERADE? - THEN THOU DOTH NOT PAY!"*

& WHY WARRIORS' LOYAL ALLIANCE WITH *VYCTORIOUS* à EQUALS A WIN-WIN COMBINATION + 1?!
a) We certify Most Uniquely Generic, Eye-Candy Article & Sales Article Content over All the Web!
b) We back it up with Care &Promotion on Google's 1st Page & Smack-Daddy it with 3-Seals above!

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1.) a) Just $2 per 50 Word per Article.
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c) Special Quotes per Piece for Technical or Story Writings.

2.) Plus just $19 only & we'll Promote your Golden Website on Google's Top Ranking Page!

So enough with this "Rah-Rah" & let's cut to it... We said we Hate Sales Ads for as YOU can see, touch & feel, the proof's in the pudding - & even the Blind with Brail can't deny True Manuscript Brilliance! Nor does it call for another 1 of those Desperate-House-Write's Social Tea Party Patronizing Testimonials - We ain't gonna bore You with what We, Ourselves wouldn't Die just skimming over Fluffed Cheesiness!
http://ezinearticles.com/?4-Key-Approaches-to-Bottled-Water-
Dispenser&id=4578031 http://ogiogromstandbag.com/ogio-grom-stand-bag-the-
grand-slamming-ogio-golf-bags/ http://www.filetourl.com/b0936d8d

But for more samples from our Archive just send an email to: mr.victor.bo@gmail.com Our former partner & current Warrior Member, Fred Jones shall back this up 100% upon request with Warrior Testimonials. Our Triple-Seal's Proudly Placedto Challenge YOU to SEE & Believe Yourself! Why VYCTORIOUS WRYTERS* won't just Land YOU on #1 SEO THRONE + GOOGLE SITES will Shoe Shine YOU!

#advert #critique #meant #strictly #wfh

Andrew Gould 14 years ago

Hey Vyctor,

"Let’s admit it, we Hate “Bonkers” Sales Ads just as much as YOU do!…"

Without a shadow of a doubt, YOUR advert is one of the most bonkers I've ever read.

I think you're trying to run before you can walk...

You're being way to clever with your hook and as a result, not only is your ad hard to read but it's hard to figure out what you're actually offering.

I'm afraid it doesn't need tweaking. It needs scrapping.

Start again and this time keep it simple.
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Andrew Gould
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- Ross Bowring 14 years ago
  
  Nonsense doesn't sell.
  
  Cleverness doesn't sell.
  
  Clear. Simple. Concise. Compelling.
  
  That'll make you some sales.
  
  --- Ross
  
  Thanks
  
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BrianMcLeod 14 years ago

Train wreck in progress, dude.

Don't make people WORK at trying to understand you...

...they WON'T.

Lose the royal angle and get specific.

Start over, and this time Keep It Stupidly Simple.

Who are you and why should Warriors care?

What exactly are you offering?

What exactly will it do for Warriors?

Why is this different than what's already available?

What's possible that wasn't previously?

Why should anyone believe you?

How exactly do they get it?

How do you reverse the risk of buying?

Why do Warriors need to act now?

What advantage do they get that others will not?

What happens if they wait?

How do they get it again?

Brian
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Brian McLeod

Direct Response Copywriting
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- VyctorB_10 14 years ago
  
  Thanks Gents!~
  
  Your refreshing Truths, just hit me like a much needed bag of ice in my face...
  
  Sometimes I do require that wake up call, and re-align myself with W.I.I.F.T. What's in it for them or traffic?
  
  My pitiful downfall is over-creating everything from my nature, and it's hard to balance it out, esp. always aiming to be flamboyant or rambunctious in order to gain attention - but at the same time I may lose the listener to non-clarity.
  
  So as Brian have pointed out and right on point.. keeping Stupid & Silly Simpleness, would veer me in a better off directoin - I do need much brushing up on my sales tactics, and you're all right, this must be tossed and rewritten, please look out for it real soon in the near future...
  
  Thank you guys so very much for the Edifying...
  
  Truly,
  
  Vyctor~
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
  
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  VyctorB_10 14 years ago
  
  You guys are awesome by the way!...
  
  Kinda embarrassing but would anyone who's expertise it is, please help me to roughly rewrite/reconstruct this to show where all the places I went wrong & the freight train derailed?
  
  Thank you in advance...
  
  Vyctor~
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
  
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  jukeboxhero 14 years ago
  
  I feel like i got mind raped... and that's hard to do. Congrats on that.
  
  Thanks
  
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Daniel Scott 14 years ago

Aside from the points already made you have some serious grammar issues. I'm thinking English isn't your first language - but even if it is you need to do a lot of work to simplify and clarify this.

Remember... I want to hire you as a writer. If you can't make your sales message easy-to-read and compelling... why would I assume you can write a half-decent article?

-Dan
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Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.
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- ewenmack 14 years ago
  
  Actually you could turn that lemon into lemonade.
  
  Here's how.
  
  Print it out then screw up the paper, then get an Asprin,
  tape the Asprin to your letter of introduction and send out
  the lumpy letter as a direct mail piece.
  
  As an introduction tell how people actually send that "headache
  material" out and should the reader want to look at it, then she
  will be well advised to take the Asprin.
  
  Which nicely leads into you offering clear, concise writing.
  
  You may well be able to sip on Champagn instead of sucking a lemon!
  
  All the best,
  Ewen
  
  Thanks
  
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  VyctorB_10 14 years ago
  
  thanks for the light satirical comments, guys, comically appreciate it...
  
  i can see where you coming from Dan.. I think I decided to present some parts as slang on purpose, (though I've seen it done before) I know this is a risky make or break style. As some will relate and those observing for professionalism won't - as mentioned I tend to overdo creativity with my own twist which may seem eccentric at times. I just have to keep it simply stupid and brain-dead as my good friend Fred would call it...
  
  And ewen, the lemonade thing was hilarious... good to see humor vibing off..
  
  O & for Mike Schwenk, thanks for dropping on my PM, like reminded, I am unable to send out PM's yet. but I shall be hitting you up via email shortly.
  
  But please gimme some time to rethink my move and rethink this whole process. I know sales isn't my cup of tea yet, but my articles are worth a look out for. Actually, I think I fair just as SWELL as anybody else in that.
  
  But thanks for the wisdom guys, I am eating it all up with much to learn..
  
  regards,
  
  Vyctor~
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  ewenmack 14 years ago
  
  Vyctor~ Couldn't help myself on that.
  
  Pleased you can find the humour in it.
  
  All the best,
  Ewen
  
  Thanks
  
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  VyctorB_10 14 years ago
  
  I think I just heard 1 of the MOST IMPORTANT statements made in my life to which I am entirely thankful for From Ross & Brian above, summarizing:
  
  Cleverness or Creativity doesn't Sell!
  
  Also from Andrew Carnegie: Pioneering doesn't Pay!
  
  Absolutely 100% right on the money! - Forgive the pun here...
  
  What I am frown upon my whole life time & time again is what YOU LOVE to do doesn't SELL...
  
  SO WHAT ON EARTH DOES SELL, WOULD BE THE QUESTION.....
  
  I banged my head against a mental WALL and came up with this:
  
  We like to think that Food, Shelter, Clothing, Cars, Gas, & Church are all Big Monopolies right? Well that's true... in a sense...
  
  But I also heard the metaphor of there are 2 Mountains in life:
  
  1 is the Mountain of CONVENTIONAL MAJORITY OF BROKENESS (Categorizing very highly educated & intellectual persons alike)
  
  There there is the Mountain of "GOLD" where not much hard work is done, but moreso using your mind, to scoop up a chuck of the fortune already there & laid out for you - Sounds easier said that done, everyone???
  
  So success then, what i have come to conclude, IS NOT A CHOICE, OR A FIND OR LUCK: BUT A PATHWAY, SUCCESS IS A NARROW PATHWAY.
  
  THAT ONLY VERY FEW KNOW< AND ARE LUCKY TO KNOW< AND WHO HAVE MODELLED IT OFF FROM OR LEARN IT OFF FROM SOMEONE THROUGH CLOSE APPRENTICESHIP.
  
  So if we want to Succeed, simple... MIRROR AND MODEL THE EXCELLENT, AND DO EVERYTHING THEY DO - YOU WILL BECOME SUCCESSFUL - But then again, it is still easier said then done...
  
  SO besides the venues above, I asked myself, what do people really need that they can't live without, should be my niche?...
  
  I thought and thought and thought...
  
  and throught it realized that, PEOPLE DON'T BUY BECAUSE THEY NEED< THEY BUY BECAUSE THEY WANT< Y THE HECK IS MERCEDES STILL KILLING IT DURING THE RECESSION WHILE OTHERS SHRINK???
  
  WANT IS MUCH MORE DESIRABLE AND POWERFUL THEN NEED...
  
  SO what is it that EVERYONE WANTS BUT YET CAN NOT HAVE< OR DREAM OF HAVING?
  
  And after rustling with all the pages in my head, I can down to this 1 conclusion that would make me a killer for massacre SALES killings!...
  
  Press this button here to find out....
  
  And that my friends is how you write a sales letter ( i wrote it in 5 min. lol)
  
  Hahahah...
  
  Vyctor~
  
  Ps. I'm only joking, please edit where neccessary... but I made ya look tho!
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
  
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