My first product, my first sales page... please critique.

Hey,

There's way to many things to say about your sales page because it's really not a sales page - a proper one that is. You have too many distractions, your copy is poor, you have a headline which is NOT a headline and I agree with you that you are not the best when it comes to writing

Get someone who can do it for you. If you have a budget, mention it as it will filter out who can and who cannot work with you.

Hope it helps.

I don't know what that is... but it isn't a sales page.

You've got two options:

Buy a lot of books on copywriting (check out the sticky), study your ass off for a year or two and then try again...

...or hire a pro.

Having your own product means you need to have great copy, a great offer, and a killer sales funnel. You also need to produce a little traffic to test it yourself and build yourself as an authority (which makes it easier for affiliates to get you sales).

At the moment you don't really have any of these, and quite frankly I don't think you're quite ready to do your own products yet.

But if you're hell-bent you need to spend some decent money on a pro who can advise you and who has experience with successful launches and products - which means you're more than likely looking at AT LEAST a few thousand bucks.

If you can't afford that, you probably shouldn't be releasing an IM product yet - it's a very competitive industry and proof is important.

-Dan

It lacks punch, and worse, it lacks credibility. You talk about interviews or info that people won't get anywhere else. Yawn... Not buying it. You also seem to like to write in the passive voice. When you do that you eviscerate your copy. Here's a brief example:

Active: Jack hit the ball out of the park with a fierce swing.
Passive: The ball was hit out of the park by Jack with a fierce swing.

Which one better conveys action? Which is more exciting? When you're writing to convince people to do something you need to get them in the picture, the story, the mood... whatever, make it real. More often than not you do that in the active voice.

What you have isn't bad. Think of it as a beginning. Stop affirming that you're a horrid writer (you get what you affirm). Start telling yourself that you're a good writer and getting better. Then read the kind of stuff you want to write. After you've read it, give yourself an assignment and follow through.

For example, write something designed to evoke a particular emotion. Forget sales for a moment and just try to write something to bring someone joy or longing or tears or whatever. And be honest. Anyone can bring another to tears by killing puppies. Do it with style and class. Become a student of human behavior. Recognize why people do the things they do.

Then close the loop by emulating those kinds of triggers or 'causes' (causes as in cause and effect) in your writing. Keep a writing journal. Put down your thoughts, write spontaneously about whatever comes to mind in your journal. It's cool to keep a journal because it helps to measure your progress.

Good luck!

Please, don't hold back any criticism. I really appreciate all the feedback I'm receiving. As for the "its not REALLY a sales page" - are the distractions due to the stuff outside of the letter?

The direct link that I would be using for affiliates to promote is the following:

IMOffline Gives You The Best - (Internet Marketing) Offline

Why is the red text not a header?
Does using a colored template lower conversions?

You might want to add a video salesletter is writing is not your thing. It is much easier and really captures your watcher's attention. It is also easier to make the page..

Honestly I was not even sure i was on the right page. It seems like a quick blog post about some interviews?...not sure though. It is not a true sales page.

The advice rendered by others here is correct, imo.
You really need to start fresh and develop your primary benefits about these interviews.
You need a strong list of benefits and much more information to sell this subscription.

I'd try to get some copy help or be prepared to invest in considerable study and practice to get any results. IM is one of the toughest niches to succeed in, particularly as an advisor.
_____
Bruce

When I click that link and I look at the site without scrolling or doing anything. I have no idea what's going on, or why I should stay.

This is a huge problem. The copy itself is weak, everywhere. As someone said you have a headline that isn't a headline. Also you need to provide free interviews, possibly as a bonus to get them on your list or something. Why am I going to pay a monthly fee for mysterious interviews. If I know they're good interviews with quality information and help me out, maybe I'd be willing to pay a monthly fee.

As it stands now you give me no reason to give YOU... MY money.

I think a good first step for you, if you intend to edit on your own, would be to compare and contrast your site -- layout, headline, style, graphics, offer, etc. -- to IM membership sites you know are converting and impressing IM'ers.

If you check over in the IM Product Reviews sub-forum, here at WF, there's a thread called "Best IM Membership Site You've Joined?" It's got tons of recommendations, and they pretty much all have very effective sales pages. I'll bet you can find one to use as inspiration if you're willing to sink in and make the change on your own.

Linky, let's see...

http://www.warriorforum.com/internet...ve-joined.html

i would suggest that you hire a pro on odesk or somewhere else.

also - i would highly recommend you redesign the lading page.

good luck!!

mori

Hey,
I'm confused. Is it a landing page or a blog. You don't want your audience to get confused, do you?.
Now please help yourself and follow groud rules while writing a copy for first time rather than trying something innovative to stand out of the crowd.

Try reading some books before you write or if you are in hurry send some bucks and hire a pro.

Try some Dan Kennedy stuff and even Maria Veloso's book, Web Copy That Sells is good.
Warren.

Well done for getting your first product out there man, It is a great start. just stay focused and keep learning.

You need a lot of work to get your sales page to convert well, i almost clicked off straight away.
No headline to grab my attention
To many links, people may click on to another page.
I never use opt ins on a sales letter.
Your page layout needs to be redesigned, so it is completely different from the rest of the sites. go to click bank and look at other sales pages. get a copywriter to write you a sales letter.
You can get a sales page layout completely customized for you for like $50 that will convert 10 times more (depending on your product and sales letter) check out the warriors for hire section.

Good luck man...

I would do the following. ( I am not a copywriter)
- you need a new headline, something that draws attention.

-clean up the top content and opt-in or consider removing the opt-in completely because potential affiliates might not like seeing an opt in box.

-Move the headline up, above the fold.

- Get rid of the blue subheads, no offense, they hurt my eyes.

- add testimonies from previous users or people that you have
helped out. Even some who knows you can can say you an awesome imer. Insert early into the copy. Do video if you can, audio is next, and if you must do text add a picture of the person with their name.

- flow and logical connections ( I have this same problem in my writing)

- Where's your guarantee. Have a strong 60-day no question ask guarantee. Give it a name and make it kicka@@ and have it on a blue certificate background.

- Get a theme that does not have a footer link, this looks like a free theme. You can buy a premium theme or have one made for like $35.

- Get rid of your wp meta login links.

- Draw more attention to your sample interview, I didn't even know it was there until I look at it a second time around.

-And maybe use a clip where he is talking about something awesome, remember your prospects will be listen to this audio and if it sound like two guys are having a conversion with laughter, so what.. is what they will say, but if they listen to list and they are like "wow, this content kicka@@, I am going to sign up"

You should definite invest in a copywriting course or some copy coaching. Raydal has one that I am thinking about signing up with . Here's the link http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...e-payment.html

He was a free hr long video where he reviews one of his student's copy. I learned a lot from that video. Here's the link to that Created with Camtasia Studio 5

Disclaimer: I am by no way affiliated with him, I only discovered his WSO a fews days ago and was quite impressed.

PS. Good luck with your project.

It's good that you've made a product,
and had the courage to interview
some knowledgeable people.

The problems that I see with your
landing page are as follows:

Nobody cares about your
membership card, and if they
will then they need convincing,
so you've introduced it far too
early in the page.

The space it takes up would be
better used as an opt in box
for two reasons:

a) It's above the fold
b) people expect it to be
there.

I'd put your video above the
fold too, where 'Only The Best'
is currently located.

'Read more' shouldn't take
me to a sales form, it should
take me to some compelling
copy where I can read more
about your product.

One problem you have is your
market. To sell into this market
your page needs to be first-rate.

Your pages always need to be first
rate, I know, but you could afford
to be a little more lax were you
selling subscriptions to a site about
a hobby such as garden railways,
or training sheepdogs, rather
than a site about 'success'.

A success site needs to look
as if it's successful, but it
can still be simple.

For example 'The Gary Halbert
Letter' is a very s i m p l e site
from the technical standpoint,
the writing on it is something
else!

What do you mean when you
write: "

The People Who Subscribe Here
Will End Up With Your Money?

I'm not sure this should be
a heading at all?

Maybe something like:

Subscribe to IM-Offline Marketing
Today And Start Making Money

might be better?

If you had some statistics you would
do better by stating:

67% of IM-Offline Marketing Subscribers
Earned $100,000 In Their First Year

Of course those figures have to be true
if you're going to publish them.

There are those who charge thousands
of dollars for memberships so in one
sense your site seems good value. On
the other hand $37.00 a month for many
is still a substantial chunk of change.

I think therefore you might improve your
site by:

a) Being clearer in your mind who your potential
customers are?

b) Stating more clearly what you are offering
and why they need it.

c) Using some stronger triggers than simply
making money. (If you simply want to appeal
to people who want money I suggest you
have some pictures of money on your page).

For this to convert you will need to make
substantial changes, regardless of the
amount of traffic you have, or the quality
of your product.

Stephen

Thanks for everyone's input.

I appreciate all the honest and constructive feedback.

The direct link to my sales page is as follows:
An Opportunity for People With a Desire to Succeed… - (Internet Marketing) Offline

Will do some tweaking with my headlines.
Also have a slightly different copy on my WSO.

Hi,

To say it is a fixer upper is an understatement. I am prepared to assist you.

Just send me an email to swdcomputers@gmail.com

The good news is ---- It can be a great WINNER!

Hang in there man

Try to make the page all one length without that top header image. It seems to get in the way. You also want to focus on bulleted lists of the benefits of your product.

abedingo,
I like the video. I am still newish, and can tell you that having the "sale page" link to the blog pages, which leads to your free 30 page report, got me on your list, yet was a bit difficult to go to pages for "list sign-up" I posted a thank you on your blog for the report.. and takes me away from the "Product promotion". I have to say

I guess, from what I read, and looked at on "guru" sites, is the Product needs to be "Clearly explained" with benefits. This or that feature is great, but sell the benefit is how I learned. I get timely info from top marketers, but how does that benefit me, by the time I read through the "public" pages, I think the "read more" button needs more content to compel visitors that the "paid" content is valued.


The "list sign up" for the offer, should "be easily found" with top of fold, or really attract some how (pop up, act now, limited time type "styling").

I look forward to looking at your "follow up" emails.

I do not like the color or font or something, it seems difficult to read, you might want to change some formatting.

I hope this helps from a "newb's" perspective.
By reviewing your site, and comparing and contrasting with sites I signed up for, or ordered products, it helps me understand what a site needs to be a success and convert visitors to sales.

I like the site design, but not sure it's a sales page

Don't forget the disclaimer. A beautifully crafted one can be found on the "bullet proof bets" website at:

www (dot) bulletproofbets (dot) com (slash) disclaimer (dot) html

Effectively you comprehensively disavow that your product will do any of the things you have claimed in the sales letter.

This gives you enormous freedom to claim absolutely anything in the sales letter, as the disclaimer warns that the claims of the sales letter should not be thought accurate; or authentic; or ever reproducible by anyone anytime soon.

Brilliant, eh?

[Crazy rules on this forum - because I'm completely new here and this is my first post, I'm not allowed to include a link in this post - hence the clumsy link format above. Still, I guess all these hoops I have to jump through will eventually prove I am a real internet marketer. Rather than hindrances, they should be seen as markers through the "rites of passage" to IM masterhood - I guess ].

i say outsource it, you have the money because it wont cost that much and you have had success with affiliate marketing. outsource the stuff that you cant do, and maximize on the stuff that you can.