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Critique of email copy:

by spock0149
13 replies
Hey folks - I'm going to send an email to a list of people who have signed up as freelance drivers on my website.

I'm promoting an eBook that shows them how to maximize their profits and avoid common costly mistakes and pitfalls.

The purpose of the email is to encourage the member to visit the sales page.

Any critique gratefully received!

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Subject: Maximize Your Courier Profits!

Hey {membername},

As a new member of (MYWEBSITEGOESHERE.com) we’re sure that you’re keen to start making money with your new freelance delivery company. Our staff are working 24/7 to bring you lots of shipments to bid on and we’re expecting a surge in the coming weeks thanks to a vigorous new marketing campaign.

One of the things you’ll be asking yourself is “Just How Much Money Can I Make From This?”
The answer…A LOT OF MONEY…provided you do things RIGHT.

We see many new drivers who keep making the same mistakes with their new business, and miss out on a huge amount of potential profits. These are mistakes that can easily be fixed with the right knowledge.

To help you maximize your courier profits we’ve come up with a quick-start guide that will show you how to make the most money as a freelance courier driver, and we’ll also show you how to quickly and easily side-step common pitfalls that can be costly, both in money and time.
Our guide is hands-down the best on the market, and 100% guaranteed to help you succeed in your new venture.

Pick up your copy of “Quick Start Guide to Building Your Courier & Shipping Company!” today, and enjoy the benefits!

To Pick up your guide simply CLICK HERE, or copy and paste the link below into your browser:
LINK GOES HERE

Thanks and Happy Shipping!

The CitizenShipper Team
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#copy #critique #email
  • Profile picture of the author colinjoss
    Hey,

    I'd be tempted to change the subject line to one of the classic copywriting headlines: Which of These Mistakes...

    e.g. Which Of These Mistakes Do You Make In Your Freelance Delivery Biz?

    Colin
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    "You're exactly the kind of professional any business owner would be lucky to have writing his copy."

    John Carlton, the most ripped off, respected, and referred-to copywriter alive.

    Colin Joss, Direct Response Copywriter

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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    I like it. It's pithy, to-the-point, and no-BS.

    The bolding is awful though.

    -Daniel
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author spock0149
    Wow - so I send my first email out to 500 double opt-in subscribers who joined my site with the last 3 weeks. The offer was relevant - low cost ($4.99) an unsubscribe very prominent.

    A few hours later I have my mailchimp account disabled due to a complaint rate of 0.8%.

    Pretty harsh.

    How do you guys handle stuff like this??? Do you have similar problems with lists?

    Rich
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    Work on Your Terms. Perform Errands for People in Your Community, Get Paid.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Rich,

    Oh man, I wish I would have seen this thread before you sent out that email. You disrespected your list. You insulted their intelligence. It's obvious to me.

    Mailchimp's response was not harsh. It's the norm. Zero tolerance. I don't think you appreciate the gravity of what just happened.

    You peed in the pool.

    Mailchimp now has to clean up your mess with the ISPs. To make sure their other customers are not harmed who are on the same IP address.

    The worse thing that can happen is that mailchimp's server gets blacklisted. That would be bad and why they take complaints so seriously.

    If you're insistent on sending emails like that, get a piece of software called Group Mail, put it on your own PC and then watch your own IP get blacklisted.

    That'll sober you up--fast. Then you'll really be wondering what to do next.

    But a better way is to learn how to effectively communicate with your list. In a way that encourages positive communication and response. Go ahead, open up a new account with a new service provider.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Now that's you know you've made a mess with the subscribers on your list, you want to consider sending an email cleaning up the mess once you get re-situated. I call it a "lemons into lemonade" email. Give them a gift.

    PPS: Quick trick: Don't make the unsubscribe link so prominent. Create a lot of white space between the end of your copy and the footer with the unsubscribe info. Make'em work for it.
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    • Profile picture of the author spock0149
      Hmmm - thanks for your message Rick. I clearly have a lot to learn about using lists.

      Can you go into a little more detail - what do you mean I insulted their intelligence and disrespected them??

      Can you point to any good threads that can educate me on the etiquette associated with email marketing?
      Signature
      Work on Your Terms. Perform Errands for People in Your Community, Get Paid.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by spock0149 View Post

        Can you go into a little more detail - what do you mean I insulted their intelligence and disrespected them??
        Try this on: Would you write an email like that to a close friend in the courier business?

        I doubt it.

        Treat your list as friends in the business you just haven't met yet.

        Share with them an idea, gift them and make an occasional offer. But when you make the offer, push them to a webpage instead. Do not embed the offer in the email.

        You want to turn your emails into a conversation on building their courier business. Not a pitch.

        - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    Rich, is this the first email you sent them? ...

    if so, then they signed up on a list expecting to get leads for deliveries and the first communication they get is an offer to buy a book from you on how to make money?

    Like Rick said, way too early and too transparent an offer, imo.
    _____
    Bruce
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    • Profile picture of the author spock0149
      Hey brucerby -

      No - certainly not the first email. There's
      i. A confirmation email after sign up
      ii. Activate account
      iii. email explaining how to use my site to find leads
      iv. For many, they probably already started receiving leads since I have an active site.

      However - I do see where you are going with this. i.e, ensure that they do actually receive a few leads before sending them this book.

      Ah - the learning curve. -)
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      Work on Your Terms. Perform Errands for People in Your Community, Get Paid.
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  • Profile picture of the author wrcato2
    You need to proof read your email. I found this>>>> (Our staff are working) are should be is. Other wise looks fine.
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    Bite Size Bets “How to Cash in Big Time Placing Small Bets - You're No-Cost Guide To Domain Investing."
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
      Originally Posted by wrcato2 View Post

      You need to proof read your email. I found this>>>> (Our staff are working) are should be is. Other wise looks fine.
      Nope.

      "are" is used for plurals, "is" for singular".

      "Staff" in this context is a plural.

      You could say "Our staff member (singular) IS working around the clock"... or "my assistant IS working"...

      ...but when you put in a plural (a group) you need "are".

      And by the by... "otherwise" is one word.

      -Daniel
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      Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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