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Critique and suggestions for site banners - No sales copy just yet

by Dean Jackson
8 replies
Hey Warriors!

I am currently getting a copywriter who I found at a steal on the WSO forum to write my copy (not the $47 one LOL). I will revive this thread for further critique when it's done.

However, I would like to get your opinion on my website banners. At the moment, there is a fair bit of text which conveys a great message, however I think I could simplify it down into fewer words.

The site is lostwarriorguide.com

This is not promotional at all, there is no way to sign up either.

I have covered several bases with banner 1, my first priority focusing on NON hype.

The second banner has a little bit of information about how we can help.

The third has got bulletpoints of what exactly we offer

The fourth has focus on us providing great customer service.

Do you think a more graphical, and less informational approach for the graphics would work best? Or as little text as possible?

The part where it says "test test...." is all going to have a fully formatted sales letter in it shortly.

Would like information on how you would approach this template (it's too late to change now).

Look forward to your comments and suggestions.

- Dean
#banners #copy #critique #sales #site #suggestions
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hey Dean,

    If you're having copy written (judging from your copywriting WSO I'd have thought you were more than qualified for the job...) what's the purpose of the banners?

    At the moment your banners are fairly bland and generic, nothing I haven't heard a million times before.

    Are they really the first thing you want a prospect to see?

    Why can't you change the template? Trying to fit your copy around a WP theme is a rather bizarre way to do things.

    Sorry this isn't particularly positive, what you're doing just seems a little odd to me.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    Hey Andrew,

    I've spent so long on the website that it was just easier to get another writer to take a look and give me their views. The reason I can't really change it is because it went from being a site to promote 1 product, to having multiple products, to a blog, to a membership site.

    I am having my designer simplify the graphics. There is a lot of text, mostly unnecessary so I would have hoped to make better use of the space.

    I may get an icon with the first 3 bullets as a banner, that way it won't be distracting and still look cool.

    Any opinions welcome.

    - Dean
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Originally Posted by Dean Jackson View Post

    Would like information on how you would approach this template (it's too late to change now).
    It's never too late to change...

    ...especially when you're taking up your valuable screen real estate with something that's gonna kill your conversions.

    As for the banners, they're rife with badly written sentences and grammatical errors. It's like you've tried to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks - not usually a good way to design a marketing campaign.

    Sorry Dean, but this whole thing is awful.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      My opinion is that for the Internet marketing crowd, you're swimming upstream.

      I mean these panels are either:

      1. All about you, not the prospect.

      2. A rather boring list of stuff they're going to get. Bullets like "Listing Building Content" don't really excite me. Do they excite you? What's THE PROMISE of these things?

      While overall it's a nice premise and pretty format, the person who wrote this copy 1) does not understand the prospect, 2) has not analyzed the competition.

      It's not compelling.

      For instance, them being able to sleep at night. Do you really think 24-hour support, an ability to refund, etc. is keeping them up at night?

      Not a chance.

      I don't think I'm being nit picky here either. Major strategic stuff has been overlooked.

      Somebody needs to watch the movie Jerry Maguire:


      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    Hi, yes I can dig it. I have compromised conversions over style.

    I think I will be looking at the banner actually being part of the copy.

    The "members only" sections gets all garbled up when the theme changes which is why im so hesitant about about changing just now.

    I think a major headline in the banner space (and get rid of the other ones) would save this this project. It's still got all the options I would need and it's just the logo and menu items at the top which are not as typical as most ales letters.

    What do you think? I'll be back soon with an improved version.

    - Dean
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Dean it SUCKS!

      There I said it.

      Look my Kiwi friend, when you come on to this copywriting forum
      we want to see the best friggin converting material going out.

      That's the bottom line.

      We don't care about your feelings.

      We don't care about how long or how much money spent to get to this point.

      Sure we might have different beliefs on how we get the killer message...

      ...but as sure as hell we will name the flaws and how to fix them...and maybe
      give a reason.

      Now back to your piece and copywriting 101.

      Flaw...

      #1 Not knowing, naming and understanding your target audience

      #2 Not having black print on white background

      #3 Using words that don't lead to action...like "quality"

      Second point is a technical point which should be easy enough to
      fix.

      Third point is easy enough to fix by word and phrase replacement.

      First point requires REAL market UNDERSTANDING.
      You get that by being nose deep into the stuff daily...or just survey them.

      Eben Pagan has made millions from surveying his followers and giving
      them what they want.

      Are you up to the challenge of turning out a kick ass piece...or are you
      going to leave it at the bottom of the food chain..?!

      All the best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    Thanks Ewen for giving me a reality check. Yes, it does need work and it is quite shoddy at the moment.

    However, I will give the idea I mentioned a little earlier a shot(replacing banner with pre head + headline) and using the the following white space as normal sales copy goes.

    I do take copywriting suggestions to heart as I know how difficult it is to see the forest from your own eyes on your own project. I will be back in a few days with an updated version for you guys to look at.

    Thanks for the suggestions so far.

    - Dean
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Good man Dean.

      From what I have observed, seen and experienced what works best is
      to always know about your audience first before you write anything.

      An example...

      I went into a well established market and found out the two most
      common complaints were from customers.

      I focused squarely on guranteeing those 2 aggravations wouldn't happen.

      And if I didn't deliver, it was going to cost me serious money out of my pocket...
      to the tune of $1,000...paid to the customer...they were the judge and jury.

      While my competition was on about themselves, my whole business was focused
      on the customer.

      I changed the whole game in that market, charged the most and had
      the highest retention of clients.

      As you can see, it isn't just about your copywriting, it is your whole business
      being a rollicking success, or a daily grind at stake here.

      Dean, choose to find out what annoys the hell out of your audience,
      then gurantee them it will never happen to them. Put real money on the
      line without weasel clauses.

      If you have the balls to agree to do it, then you have in the making
      of a killer sales message.

      Because you are focused on the the reader and future customers.
      And that was my whole point in the first post..."hey buddy, what
      about the customer?"

      Anyway, I'm glad I turned you around...some of the way.

      All the best,
      Ewen

      P.S Have you started that SEO plan I gave you that you liked?





      Originally Posted by Dean Jackson View Post

      Thanks Ewen for giving me a reality check. Yes, it does need work and it is quite shoddy at the moment.

      However, I will give the idea I mentioned a little earlier a shot(replacing banner with pre head + headline) and using the the following white space as normal sales copy goes.

      I do take copywriting suggestions to heart as I know how difficult it is to see the forest from your own eyes on your own project. I will be back in a few days with an updated version for you guys to look at.

      Thanks for the suggestions so far.

      - Dean
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