Need Help! Not Converting at All

Hey Alex,

Early days yet with that number of traffic.

However there are several things I can see that can be
tightened up on your sales page.

My understanding of your market is that they want to know
the newest lethal moves. You have blown it with the graphics
of the different combat methods. The reader allready knows about them.

There is a shortage of specifics and no bullet points. You do this by
giving out the actual moves, minus one piece of vital information and
finish with the end result for that move.

Keep going through your list of moves like that.

Go to thegaryhalbertletter.com and see the issue on bullet points.

Keep it in the back of your mind not to name moves that are allready known,
because it will be a sales killer.

Let me know if you are still not clear on something.

All the best,
Ewen

dude, i think carlton wrote some WICKED letters for trs direct (bob pierce). those letters are awesome.

here's one:
Mike Sastre's Kitchen Kydex

i think design wise it doesn't convey the image your readers want. it seems incongruent.

You need to be clear about what you're offering. Are you selling a self-defense course or a "fight club" street fighting manual? They're VERY different things.

The first paragraph talks about defending your loved ones -- but the graphic of the guy in the header looks like a "fight club" type fighter.

Again, are you teaching people to "defend themselves" or to "seriously injure" an attacker? Who is your target market is?

Also... is the guy shown in the header the winning fighter or the losing fighter? Because nobody is going to want to pay to learn to fight if they're going to win and still end up looking like that guy.

I think that graphic may be confusing your prospects.

OK... let's look at your first paragraph...

"Listen,

I’m not going to bore you with a lesson about why self defense is important. The real world is ruthless and filled with bullies, thugs, and all kinds of scum who have no regard for human life. Knowing how to protect yourself and your loved ones isn't an option, it's a responsibility."

Starting your letter off with "Listen" almost seems too abrupt. I would change it. Even "Dear Friend" or omitting the salutation altogether would be an improvement.

Also, that first sentence about "not wanting to bore them" is pointless filler. Remember: If it doesn't help, it hurts. I would cut it out.

The next sentence, however, is quite good. It cuts to the chase. It doesn't patronize the reader.

Further down, you say...

"I’ve been fighting all my life. It's always come naturally to me ever since grade school, but I never found out why until later on in life."

That makes it sound as if a person's fighting ability is innate -- rather than learned. And, if that's true, then a course to that teaches them to fight is pointless, right. I would cut that part out, too.

You need to figure out who your target market is, then read and edit your entire letter while looking at it from THEIR point of view.

Regards,

John

Here's how you can get more specific:

Current: Simple and effective takedown moves that will easily drop even the biggest opponent like a sack of bricks.

Specific: 3 simple takedown moves that will drop even the biggest attackers in less than a second flat (it doesn't matter if you weigh less than 90lbs and your attacker is 300lbs or more... they'll hit the ground faster than a sack of bricks and more importantly stay there) Amazingly, you can master these 3 moves in just 11 minutes.

(Kinda rough but hopefully you get the picture)

Notice also the switch from "opponent" to "attacker". It's subtle but significant to the market your targeting.

The biggest thing for me is a lack of congruency. You say you're speaking to prospects looking to defend themselves in street attacks. The tone seems to be more like fight club where one guy wants to rip another guys head off. It starts with the image you have. It doesn't give the impression of some street punk trying to take someone on. Instead it's like something from an underground cage fight (not that I've been to one).

Then to the headline, "learn underground fighting secrets..." doesn't seem to reach out to someone who wants to know how to protect themselves. Not suggesting your techniques aren't valid but the first rule is to enter the conversation in the prospect's mind. In short, there's nothing about protection there. It starts off about fighting which is probably what they want to avoid in the first place.

Now, it could be different for someone constantly finding themselves in dangerous situations, confronted by a regular group of punks and being bullied. Maybe they're a little more advanced in their thinking and looking for ways to confront and take some threats out. But it's a different mindset than someone who's wanting to know how to handle themselves if a situation ever arises.

Just something to think about.

Question is...

Do you know where the traffic is coming from?

Depending on the source of traffic, even the greatest sales page in the world might not convert at all after 500 hits.

Members have pointed out reasonable mistakes here. I hope that should help.

One thing is left - Try giving away free review copies to members with high reputation and are working in your niche. You could also give these review copies to people you might have done JV with. And ask them to give you Honest Testimonials. Include some of these testimonials in your copy.

Testimonials are very important in a sales letter, they help prospects realize that there are people who have used this product and appreciated it.

My first guess is it's a traffic problem.

Where's the traffic coming from?

-Dan

Alex, I like the way its written. But the headline could be better. People don't want to "learn" - they want to "discover". And it needs more balls - especially in this niche. BUT I think the main problem is you may have a credibility problem. I want to see your photo. I want to "smell your breath" as the Japanese say. I want to stare into your killer eyes. I want you to share stories about your "countless real-life altercations". I want to truly believe that you know what you're talking about. And perhaps a video will help. This is about YOU sharing your street-fighting secrets. Even though you try to make it a bit respectable by calling it "Street Fight Academy". So are you another Kimbo Slice or just another wannabe? You need your prospect to read your copy, look at your mugshot, watch your hard-core street-fight video, go "hell yeah!" and hit the order button.

Basically, Alex, the page must drip testosterone. Start by putting your mugshot next to your name at the beginning. But you better look like a hard-core street-fighter or you've lost us.

Harlan was right on the money.... again.

here's more from (i think carlton wrote these too)

Ghetto Counter Attacks with Diallo Fraizer

Combat JKD with Chris Clugston

Black Ops

here's more from the fighting niche;

Fight 2 Survive and Integrated Defensive Fighting Systems

CQC Close Quarters Combat Self Defense Training | CQB Close Quarter Battle

Close Combat Training | Self Defense | Martial Arts Training | Captain Chris

Thats who you are competing against.

Look at their sites/copy and then look at yours.

While I think everybody's on the money with their comments, what's the source of the traffic? Please be as specific as possible.

- Rick Duris

Read Harlan's reply. His answer is gold.

Listen to Harlan. The copy sucks...sorry just being honest.Its so far off. By the looks of it it could take you a year of testing learning, etc to get it to convert.

Just hire someone man. Get it over with.

Love this one... Dr. V's Brutal Beyond Belief

No idea how it did though.

yeah i've always wondered, cause they're pretty short for sales letters.

love the copy on pretty much all the trs stuff.

I'm not impressed by the copy - but I think one of your problems
may be that you're presenting the product as a book.

The graphics make it look like you wrote a book. I could go to
Border's and look at probably 100 books in the martial arts
section and probably most of them would be about $20. Your
book is 2.5 times that.

I'm not saying your book isn't better than what a guy can get
at a bookstore, but why should he believe your claim that it's
better?

I'd look at finding a way to not make your product look like
just another martial arts book. I know in your opinion it's way
better, but in my perception it's just another book.

I also Googled your name (a prospect might, I would) to see
if you look like a badass or had some school where you teach
people to box or whatever. All I found was a few articles
about your product - no personal site about your bodyguarding
career or teaching practice. So there's an absent element
of establishing your credibility in the search engines.

There's some excellent advice for improving your copy here - but I noticed that a couple of people also mentioned to check where your traffic is coming from. In other words is it targeted traffic? To go further than that also look where GEOGRAPHICALLY it is coming from, it could still be targeted but what if they are not likely to be able to buy if ya know what I mean.

Best,
Dave.

Your sales copy is pretty good, I'd say. But the question is... your price. No disrespect, but I don't know your name and, chances are, many other people don't, so bring your price down. Get a following, then revise your product a little and go back with a slightly higher price. That would be my advice anyway.

Thanks again for the feedback. This forum is the best.

I spent a few hours working on my copy last night and think I made some pretty serious improvements. It's still a work in progress.

I think I will drop the price point for now and see if that helps.

I recently dropped out of the SERPS for some reason so I need to get that figured out before I can judge if the new copy works. To those asking about traffic, most of it is coming from the search term "how to fight" in Google at least until recently.

Hey Alex,

From the looks of it, you've really got to get a lock on your target market.

The letter comes across as "hypey" instead of "factual". And as some of the members have already pointed out, you've got some SERIOUS competition out there.

There are tons of ebooks on "self defense" out there right now. With the explosion of mixed martial arts, EVERYBODY wants to know some type of "move" or something...

The question you have to ask yourself is, "who is the product really for??" You've really got to niche it out and be precise about who you're selling to. THEN, go from there. Your letter sounds like you're writing to 10 different people at the same time. You've got to focus on ONE person - and write to them.

And I'm sorry to say, that graphic is distracting. I mean, I can't take my eyes off of it. And if I'm distracted by it, I'm pretty sure some of your customers are -- and that takes away from the sale.

However, if you'd like some help re-writing the letter, I'd be willing to do it for you. I can't PM either, but let me know if you'd like the help.

1) Be realistic, but also add a sense of urgency.
2) Write real and honest sounding reviews (throw a slightly negative one in the mix just to look legit)
3) Figure a way to throw in a bonus

Check out Cashvertising for more info, its definitely worth the read.

Most people don't buy on their first visit to a salespage.

You should offer a free giveaway, like the first chapter of the system, if it is convincing.

Then include an opt-in form.

If you don't have an autoresponder, look at my signature for a free one.

If your offer is for the everyday person, take out that image of a beaten up guy, a none martial arts prospect will run away from that.

And, again, if your offer is for none martial arts students don't offer ma bonuses, somebody not reading the content and skimming it, will see your offers and think that it is aim at martial arts trainees.

With all the violence out there, I think that this is an excellent offer for none MA people.

You can have to sales pages: one for MA enthusiasts and another one for none MA fans.

Sincerely,

Antonios

As pointed out by some of the other experts, you don't have as much of a copy problem as you do a niche problem.

Break the description of your target prospect down more (on paper)and the copy will fall in place easier - for you or whoever you decide to hire later.

For example, if you were to describe your target prospect to me, could I recognize him if I saw him on the street and asked him questions, based only on the written description you gave me?

Note: Your target customer should be a him or her (one person), not a "they" like you have in your sales letter.

It's always tempting to try and cast a bigger net with your copy, but that's harder to pull off than it looks.

Even if you decide to hire a top gun copywriter, one of the first questions they'll ask is who are you selling to specifically. So, you might as well get that taken care of now.

Lock yourself in a room with a pizza and a jug of water and don't come out until you have a specific/detailed prototype of the person you're selling to.

There's so many martial arts, street fighter, self defense type books out now. You have to zero in on a specific untapped niche others have missed.

The good news is you've picked one of the fastest growing markets on the planet. But don't let that trip you up.

The more narrow (not wide) your target niche is in this case, the more you'll sell.

- To Your Success

No idea how that post got here...


Critique coming soon...

Your main problem is that the end result you're promising is a bloody, gritty fight which they then win with some heavy moves.

I'm guessing most people in the niche would rather know some advanced moves by which they can either avoid a confrontation before it has a chance to begin, or end it quickly. Or if they're really in it professionally, have a real advanced course that can lift them to the next level.

Now, the reader's not really sure what they've landed on. The copy sounds a bit like you're conversing this inside your head, instead of with your prospect. You're not selling to yourself, so get clear on who exactly it is. Needs a rewrite in my opinion, the copy is just not right, or strong enough.

If you still plan to do this yourself, take a look at Matt Furey's products in the niche. That should give you a good idea of what works.