Look over my sales copy? :)

Let them know what the payoff is, for what do you need thousands of twitter followers?
To get more traffic, to get more qualified leads , bigger list, for sales more money, more freedom, more time to enjoy life.

Drill it down to the core driver emotion. Throw in an unusual twist.

I don't know why but I have seen many twitter related products with that type of headline and so I won't use that headline. So if I were you, I'd use something like:

How A Rookie Niche Marketer Gained Authority Status In Only 7 Days Using Twitter

Sub Head: And All It Took Was Just 5 Minutes To Set Up The System


You should be writing to your reader. So I'd prefer if you addressed the letter to me and said: You might ask why, instead of "one might ask why"

Other than that:

It would be better if you can explain a little about twitter and why I should start using it today and what will happen if I'm not using it.

You can explain to me about twitter's exponential growth over the past year and how even the top internet marketers are using it.

After that

You can tell a story about how you struggled to get any traffic or sales from twitter when all the other internet marketing "gurus" had targeted twitter followers and made many sales.

Tell how frustrated you were until... you found how exactly the top internet marketers use twitter and how they gain targeted niche followers. Tell them this is a secret those internet gurus don't want you to know.

Now...

Tell them how the software helped you gain authority status in your niche in only 7 days (giving them proof to validate your headline).

Then go on to the benefits and the rest of the sales letter.

Reason:
Here's why I would write the letter the above way:
From what I have learned after using twitter for the past 2 years, after reading many blogs and reader comments in popular blogs, there is a big problem twitter users are facing and that is:

Getting followers who will reply to them and promote their service/product. And to get there, you need to build relationship and have an authority status.

And that is exactly where your product does the trick for them.

Hope this helps

- Ramkarthik

Hey guys, thanks for the advice. Made some small edits, working on the others

How does the title " Get THOUSANDS of TARGETTED PEOPLE Ready To Listen To What You Have To Say!" sound?

Hi... great to see you getting started as a teenager. Congrats!

The first thing screaming at me is the lame headline.

Why will thousands of "targeted people" be interested in what I have to say?

Remember... 80% of the effectiveness of your copy is wrapped up in your headline.
I've got a couple questions.

Who's your target audience?

What's keeping them up at night? If you speak to a specific group of people - that's looking for the solution you're offering - and promise to eliminate a problem they're desperate to get rid of... someone will listen.

Example:

Urgent: If you're a small business owner struggling to drive targeted traffic to your website... I've got great news for you...


Only after I read into your copy do I get some of those answers. Were I not reviewing your copy... I'd never get that far.

The 'Urgent intro' tells me this might be for me if I'm a small business owner who's struggling....

Next... if a 15 year old can do this... most adults would feel emboldened to take a look see....

As much as we all know list building is important... it can be hard work to remain committed to the necessary discipline of daily follow-thru. A tool that "simplifies the process" and allows me to make it happen in just 17 minutes a day could be just the change I'm looking for.

When ever you can... qualify and quantify in your headlines and body copy. It's lifts credibility.

You'll want to find an angle from which you can tell your story. A lot of people would be intrigued to know how a teenage young lady started making money with Twitter.

You've got the makings of a great 'hook' there.

Hope that helps,
Ramon

Great to see young marketers coming through and giving things a go! Good for you!!

Ok, I think most of the points I would make have already been made so I'll be brief...

Identify your target audience

Make it explicitly clear what is in it for them

Rework your headline... this is your attention grabber and right now yours is too similar to hundreds of others.

Hope that helps and good luck!

A couple things jumped out at me.

1) You said the price was low to celebrate it's repair? Repair?? I thought this was something new... maybe I skimmed your copy too quickly, but a reader might do the same. I didn't understand what had been broken and repaired.

2) The paragraph: Through trial and error, I finally thought of the perfect idea. The method was capable of delivering over 400 new targeted followers per day, keeping all my accounts active, and helping me make money with NO WORK. This idea evolved into TwitterAutomate.Com. -- turned me off.

Someone telling me they had "the perfect idea" is about as appealing as someone telling me that they have an IQ of XXX (not appealing).

And to say that the method was capable of x, y, and z and then say it evolved into something more... so was it capable of x, y and z from the beginning and it evolved into something more?

Bottom line, I'd be MUCH more willing to buy from whoever wrote:
now that's something I'd be interested in.

1) You about lost me with the subhead "What is Twitter?" It is so popular now, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who didn't know what it was. With that subhead, it makes it look like you're selling a "What is twitter and how do I tweet?" guide.

2) Headline: "Business Owners - Don't Miss This Incredibly Powerful Business Tool that Can Have Targeted Traffic Flooding Your Site and Help You Build Immensely Profitable Business Relationships That Will Pay You for Years to Come... The best part is that it's totally FREE.... and it's Right Under Your Nose!

Yes, you definitely need to re-word some of the copy to really speak to people's pain points.

For example, you say "Do You Want..

* To reach thousands of potential customers?
* To get thousands of targeted followers with no work?
* To get thousands of free traffic and promote your products on twitter?

You may want to reword it so something more like: "Still struggling to reach your potential customers? Putting in long hours with nothing to show for it? Need a stress free and easier way to get traffic and promote your products?"

Do you see the difference?

I also really liked the previously suggested headline of: "Urgent: If you’re a small business owner struggling to drive targeted traffic to your website… I’ve got great news for you…

How a 15 yr old Teenager Stumbled Across a Twitter Tool that Simplified Building a Responsive List of 867 Followers in Three Weeks - You Can Do it Too… in Just 17 Minutes a Day"

That's my two cents!! Hope it helps and keep up the great work!

Thanks for the advice again

I actually love this headline:

"Urgent: If you’re a small business owner struggling to drive targeted traffic to your website… I’ve got great news for you…

How a 15 yr old Teenager Stumbled Across a Twitter Tool that Simplified Building a Responsive List of 867 Followers in Three Weeks - You Can Do it Too… in Just 17 Minutes a Day""

Quick question though... would it seem too unbelievable if i put a bigger number than 867? Yes, it's true. But I don't want someone to think "this is bullcrap" and close the page.

Another question: Anyone know a good sales writer cheap? Doesn't have to be too cheap, just not too pricey either. Don't have the time right now with SATs and such

Hey Loopy,

To sell, or make people buy, you need to sell hard. When I mean sell hard, you intro has to be compelling.

Sometimes, you just need to quickly write:
• What you've got
• Who it's for
• Why they'll love it

That's a quick template to write an intriguing sales letter.

You can contact me at: danieladetunji5(at)gmaildotcom if you need your copy rewritten.