14 replies
Hi All,

I'm wondering if I could impose upon your generosity to critique my sales page here.

A bit of background is that the target market is women who were raised by mothers who have Narcissisistic Personality Disorder, and the vendor is herself one of these women. There are references in the letter to the acronym DONMs (standing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers), and the target market will understand those.

Thank you in advance for any feedback and advice you can give me.

(I know my 'buy now' buttons aren't centred, and also there are too many line returns in places - XSitePro playing up on me, and I need to contact them to fix this.)

All best, and thanks again, Tracy

Here's the link to the page again.
#page #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Tracy your off to a decent start, but I would recommend removing yourself from the picture in the beginning of the letter and focus solely on the pain and anguish you market feels.

    I would directly have them connect with their feelings first from the get go without introducing yourself and then sometime further on down the letter explain how you know how they feel because you yourself were/are once in their shoes.

    If you really want to get to the good stuff &
    start to immediately earn more sales then I would suggest that you hire someone to do a video critique for you instead of trying to figure it out for yourself or get tons of varied suggestions.

    Best of Luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi Tracy,

      I think you have done a very good job.

      The whole feel to it creates the "she understands me".

      Having the sales letter amongst the other resources in this situation
      creates more trust.

      The testomonial boxes could be beefed up by putting the biggest
      benefit/gain as a headline for each box.

      You may have let the reader off the hook a bit by not telling her
      the alternative to doing nothing...which is of course staying miserable.

      You should be proud of your piece.

      All the best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Hi Tracy,

        What's great about your website is it drips with authenticity. And it's content rich.

        There are many things that can be improved copywriting-wise.

        (Now before I launch here, I must admit I never heard the term "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,"; so feel free to challenge me.)

        1. I don't know what your financial goals are for this website, but based upon my research, you might have a challenge.

        On Google, nobody's buying PPC ads for the terms "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" or "DoNM" That's a big indicator for me which tells me the niche is not commercially viable.

        On Google, there's only 56,000 SERPS for the broad terms. So there's little competition. (Fortunately you have top spot. Even "Narcissistic Mothers" with SERPS of 672,000, has no PPC ads.

        2. Second, people are very passionate about the subject. I would encourage you to seek out PR opportunities. And potentially take your message offline to talk shows to build awareness.

        In other words, awareness can only grow and you could dominate.

        3. I would also encourage you to build a community around this subject. Maybe add a forum to your website. I saw this thread and I was amazed: DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS OUT ... - Oprah.com

        4. I would encourage you create a more emotionally impactful headline. Yours is really analytical. Karyl McBride nailed it with the title of her book "I'm not Good Enough", but I am positive there are better ones out there.

        5. You're not going to like me when I say this, but I think you should leave out the "how." Meaning leave the EFT approach out of your piece. Leave the how "blind" Don't tell them how it works.

        You will get more sales if you do, because people will be intrigued, enough to move forward with the sale.

        6. I would lead with a true STORY about you and your relationship with your Mother. Nothing depressing or long or abstract. Emotional. Just enough for women to know that you know their pain, you have empathy and you want and can help them.

        - Rick Duris
        Signature
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        • Profile picture of the author Tommy Perez
          Are you sure there is actually a market for what you're offering?

          I mean...I haven't really heard of this market...so you need to make sure that people will give you money for what you're offering them.

          No amount of copywriting magic can transform a market with no buyers into one that has.

          I'm not saying this to bust your bubble...but it's just that I've seen a lot of products that don't sell because the market isn't there.
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  • Profile picture of the author Morrigan
    Thank you all so much for taking the time to review my sales page and give me such comprehensive feedback - I appreciate it very much.

    Justin - introducing myself so early was to try to provide connection and also by describing my situation, I'm really describing theirs ... well that was the idea! But I'll look at how I do it again, in connection with your comments.

    Ewen - thanks for your comments too. Yes, I'll give a headline for each testimonial - thank you so much for that suggestion. And emphasise what'll happen if they do nothing - good one. I hint at it, but I think I pulled my punches too much, so will remedy that!

    Rick and Tommy - there isn't a huge market for it, you're both right on that, but the website is getting 900-1000 visitors a day, so there is some market. Many of the visitors aren't searching for terms around 'narcissistic mothers' as they don't know what's going on until they find my website through related terms such as 'controlling mother' - the lightbulb goes off when they find the site.

    The website was set up as a labour of love and only then was the monetisation opportunity seen, such as it is. I know that you wouldn't start from scratch with this as a business opportunity, but it is what's there.

    Rick - thanks for the suggestion re PR - it's something I need to do, I know. (The plan was to optimise the income from the existing traffic, and then work to increase it.)

    And I do have a forum - but it's obviously not advertised clearly enough as you didn't realise that! So that's valuable information too.

    Thanks for the advice on the headline - yes, I'll work to get more emotion in there. (And if you've come across Karyl McBride's book you obviously did a good bit of research on this for which I really, REALLY thank you.)

    Thanks too for the info re leaving out the 'how' ... I'll definitely play around with that.

    And re a true story ... yes, I could do that. I could make a story for each sales page (i.e. each product). I do share my story elsewhere on the website, but could do little anecdotes specific to each one. Thanks for that suggestion.

    So again, thank you gentlemen for such valuable feedback. Much appreciated!

    Tracy
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Tracy,

      It's a real pleasure seeing such a great sales piece coming in for review,
      especially not coming from a copywriter, but a person deeply knowing
      her subject and then knowing how to convey the remedy.

      It's especially hard to convey benefits when you are so close to the subject.

      But my goodness you have done a damn fine job.

      All the best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Hi Tracy,

        Just went back in to see if we can improve your headline.

        Found this spelling error "contantly" in second line.

        It would be difficult to change your headline because
        it would mean changing the whole piece.

        You have named the problem so that needs to stay there
        if you are to make other changes to it.

        You have got hot buttons down the right hand side which
        all create the aha moment which you truly had.

        Your sales piece wanted me to go in and find out about your story.

        Which I did of course.

        Very brave of you to take that step to break free.

        It's a story I want to help you to help others to set themselves free.

        Please ask if I can be of any assistance.

        All the best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author Morrigan
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Found this spelling error "contantly" in second line.
          EEK! No excuse for that Fixed now, thanks.


          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          I want to help you to help others to set themselves free.

          Please ask if I can be of any assistance.

          All the best,
          Ewen
          Thank you! I will PM you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Morrigan
    Hi Scott - the theme is somewhat scary, but I could play around with different backgrounds for sure and see if it makes any difference to the stats. So thanks for that feedback.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Tracy,

    Thanks for telling us how this site came about.

    Here's what I'd do to monetize things...

    Like Rick said... build a community.

    The wonderful thing about you is that you ARE intelligent... and you ARE honest.. and you ARE authentic.

    Create a forum... and create a mailing list. Tell people stories... share stories of other members (with permission, of course)... and share the resources that help you overcome your issues.

    You could get a very Oprah thing going on.

    Cosmetics... self-help books... weight loss products... relationship stuff...

    ...you've got a big opportunity here. Sure, maybe not a huge following - but I'll bet a very loyal one.

    Just my thoughts.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author carinaking
    Banned
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by carinaking View Post

      people are very passionate about the subject. I would encourage you to seek out PR opportunities. And potentially take your message offline to talk shows to build awareness.

      In other words, awareness can only grow and you could dominate.

      Tracy is using a pen name on her website to keep her
      identity away from her mother and father. She is open about
      it on her website.

      With that in mind, putting herself out in full public eye could
      be very challenging for her.

      All the best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Morrigan
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Tracy is using a pen name on her website to keep her
        identity away from her mother and father. She is open about
        it on her website.

        With that in mind, putting herself out in full public eye could
        be very challenging for her.

        All the best,
        Ewen
        Exactly! Even posting here, blasting open the anonymity, is huge - I dithered for ages over it. Sorry now I used my real full name on this forum - oh well.

        Part of me doesn't care - every word I have written is the truth, and I am beyond their anger now. But part of me (frankly, the scared abused little girl part of me), still does care. Working on it!

        ******************

        And Daniel - thanks for those ideas. Yes, I'm thinking of many of those things, and am in the process of creating and sourcing various products to help these women. Which is where the sales page came in - to see if you guys thought it was as effective as it could be.

        *******************
        Thank you all again for your advice and kind words. You've all gone way beyond just critiquing the sales page, into a much more indepth review of the whole model, and I really, really appreciate that.

        Tracy
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        • Profile picture of the author Nathan Hangen
          I'm going to be honest: If I'm a first time visitor I leave the minute your site loads. Why? I don't trust it.

          Yes, it drips with authenticity, but the design and layout is aged, and it just looks dreary. Also, the first thing I see is a donate button, which immediately puts me on guard.

          I also think your headlines are too much and too much red.

          The page container is also really narrow, and it's hard to read, at least for me.

          I don't know how well others do with old looking sites, but I find that they rarely convert. People expect higher quality IMO.

          Also, the copy that leads with this:

          "Now, I don't blame you in the slightest if you're feeling sceptical about what I've just said." and continues to the next header is damaging. I'd remove it and show more confidence. I know you're trying to beat them to the objections, but you're not really offering proof here, just more talk.

          Consider bolstering that with a story, technique, or removing it entirely.
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          • Profile picture of the author Morrigan
            Good feedback Nathan, thanks. I've already changed the red based on previous feedback (only in the last few mins so you mightn't have seen it), and yes, I agree it's too narrow and dated because of that, so will fix that too.

            I'll test the red headlines ... I thought they were popular in copywriting though?

            And I'll test moving the donate button too - nobody uses it so might as well!

            Thanks for your feedback on the 'sceptical' paragraph too - I'll pay around with that.

            Thank you for taking the time for such a comprehensive review.
            Tracy
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