Please review. Newish and trying

Hi,

The headline neads a serious fix.

Grammar must be fixed.

Badly written

It has potential, but sentences are to long........ boring

I am prepared to assist you to fix it.

email me swdcomputers@gmail.com

Brian

You sure need to do a lot of work on this page or a better idea might be to scrap it and get someone to do it for you...

It does seem like a concept that could be compelling, but yeah, it does need work. "to bring your millionaires life" is awkwardly worded in the title. The first sentence is tough to get through. I think it gets a bit better as you go on, but you need to work more on hooking them from the beginning.

It's a train wreck so it's hard to know where to start. But ditch "Learn" for starters. Use "discover".

Well, it has clean layout, but the font needs changes. Just like the previous poster said.

Good luck with your new site.

Thank you all for your critique .

This page was not intended to be a keeper, just part of the learning process.
The changes will be made, as recommended (change headline, shorten sentences, edit wording, add video.

I will also create a "new page" per recommended "scrap it". (I kind of thought it would need to be scraped).

I will try with a few different fonts, thanks.
thanks I will "rewrite" and again and again (I am good at getting up after getting knocked down , I was still looking into what market would be best, and I am not a millionaire, but I am on my way.
thanks for the suggestions.

Respectfully,

Dreamer

The real question is: How soon do you want to launch?

If this product is ready to go and you want to start to try make your dreams a reality and earn money with it then get rid of it and hire a copywriter to write it for you

If you want to play around with writing the copy and have time on your hands because the product is not ready to go then this is a good exercise for you to learn about copywriting.


Best of Luck,

Justin

Here's a quick question. Do
you enjoy writing webpages,
or would you prefer to be
developing delivering and
profiting from your product?

Stephen

Stephen and forum,
To be honest, Yes and no. I do enjoy parts of web design, and I enjoy learning. I am still learning about what can be done, and how to do it, as far as (website design) I need to build more engagement and emotion. I think while I am in full time school, the time issue is most difficult I have to stay diligent and keep learning and trying, and doing, and learning and failing and doing, and planning.
I have spent a lot of time and effort learning about business, and now E-business. I know the site, process, product, service, and relationship is very important.
I am a bit embarrassed:confused: because I am not sure where I should start. From what I have learned about IM, it is good to have a product, yet one needs the ability to develop interesting pages and content. I was thinking I would build some skills while promoting affiliate products.
I have an idea, which will require a solid back end, and a powerful marketing funnel. I think developing an idea into a useful product/Service is most important. Then understanding the competition and market.

The way I figure it, I do not want to start exposing, and developing the real purpose of my "Millionaires Dream" until I can build at least some "online success". I am not in need of money for living, but I do not want to invest other money in a project. I can re-invest 100% of my online profits as I have done building my other business. I just need to keep learning until I have a good sense of what I need, and who is available to work on the project, and how my concept is facilitated by technology.(call it research)

I guess I really want to develop products, and marketing ideas, but I really need a professional team to develop things the way I want everything (my vision).

Just like a carpenter needs a hammer, saws, ladders, drills, sanders, and a variety of other tools, so does a "web builder" need web building tools, like graphics, scripts, templates, forms, services, etc.... and they have to know how to use them efficiently. I have been building my understanding and ability, so I can effectively develop and direct a team to build my E-business concept. (kind of like a home owner looks at different companies for engineering, design, concrete, pluming, or "general contractor") (how smart would it be to take my idea, and start hiring people to do this and that without a plan, and getting to know the aptitudes and style of the team members,or the ability and limitation of technology.

And Justin, No I do not have my own product *yet, only affiliate ones to promote, and that is why I am studying Online business, and marketing, to figure out how to develop my concept into a viable business, and to understand the best marketing techniques. I know people are making big bucks selling information, memberships, affiliate products etc.. and that is awesome. And now I know I do want to develop a product, because if the product is good and sells, there are many people who will make money marketing it.

I guess I know what I want, I am kind of just putting my feelers out to find some people(s) who might be have the technical knowledge, marketing ability, design excellence, writing talent, and most of all the passionate dream to make something Incredible. Something that will benefit many people in many ways, and has the potential for incredible profits for the founding members.

So I guess, for all intensive purposes, I am not really looking to be a web builder, but I need to know what is available so I can have professionals build my site like I want it. (like a home owner does not own or know how to use carpentry tools, but wants to look at every finish, carpet, tile, fixtures, designs, electrical options, ETC..., but in the end does not build the home).

Thanks again for your review and questions, it has made me think about things a bit different.

I have made some changes, and tried a few different design "templates".
I will be making a few short videos, and putting together some graphics, or pictures, and I will post my progress when I have time this week. Then when I get something worth promoting, I will focus on traffic and conversions. After the first few sales (and war chest for my concept), I plan on actively recruiting the first team members (or hiring).

Respectfully

Mr. A Millionaires Dream

I think one of the biggest problems is that is reads like a lecture rather than a sales letter. Try to be more focused. You have very little time to grab your prospects attention. Don't make them work to figure out what your product is. Keep at it and good luck.

I second Al Robinson. You should make it a little bit simple. There is nothing to be serious about when you are trying to sell a product. Besides, the person already came there to buy; why make it any hard?

I'll admit that I don't have the skills to write killer copy, but my brain hurts from trying to read that... :s

You know, I prepared a long, thorough post before this.

It was full of details, critiques, etc. But then I realized, "No, that won't work."

So instead, I am going to say this: take the dog video down.

Here's the thing: the dog/pet angle... really only works in a sequence. I wouldn't use it on a cold prospect as the first letter.

Also, what are you selling here exactly? The copy doesn't really explain... anything. It goes in circles.

Here is what I recommend doing: study several sales letters. Pick up stuff from Brian Keith Voiles, Gary Halbert, etc. Look at the organic flow of the letters - how they take time to explain the offer, build desire, etc.

Then, I want you to sit down with a pen and yellow legal pad. Plan out what you want your letter to communicate. ESPECIALLY communicate what it is your selling to them.

Because insofar as the what has been written is concerned, everything kind of... goes in circles.

Anyway... listen. I don't want to say all this being rude or insensitive. But when I was first learning to write copy... stuff like harsh criticism (constructive criticism) was a huge benefit.

Someone being "nice" or helping to delude you will not put money in your bank account to feed your kids or pay the mortgage.

By the way, have you read books on copywriting?

I strongly recommend you read Claude Hopkins' "Scientific Advertising." You can find it for free just about anywhere online, or head over to Scientific Advertising... and 2 Special Bonuses. $10 for the .pdf.

If you prefer hardcopy, like me, go to Amazon. Either way, I really think you need to spend some intimate time with that book.

To your success,

Angel

I thought it didn't work with Chrome, but I checked it with Firefox as well.

There is no salesletter!

Just a video and some centered paragraphs (never use centered for anything different than a title or a grave).

If you want to do it yourself... steal. Find a professional salesletter that you like and save it on your computer. Then open it with your HTML editor and while keeping the structure and the layout add your own text.

The problem with the text I have seen is that it's written without much copywriting skills. They can be learned but they are needed.

Again, if you want to learn and do it yourself copy the best, and adapt to your need. Anyone has studied others and copied-adapted, so you can do it too.

HOWEVER...

if you have a business it's far better that you pay some professionals to make your salesletter. Writing copy, making webpages are skills hard enough to learn and master without being also the one who runs the business.

Ok how does this one look?

When it looks good, I am going to do some off line advertising.

No squeeze for email, Not that far along yet, and the linked site has follow up system.