Help! Why doesn't this sales page convert? Aaaargh..

Hi,

Im not an expert, but a few things popped into my head reading this first page:

• firstly, not everyone wants to be an investment banker
• second - your prospects have to be highly qualified for this job and you are qualifying them by mentioning where you got your degrees from
• thirdly, think about it like this: unless someone has a BURNING desire to be an investment banker, no one is going to spend $97 on a product just to find out if they could do it
• another thing, investment banker roles are few and far between - what's the likelihood you are going to get that type of role unless you relocate to a big city where jobs like this are very much in demand?
• bottom line is this - the problem of conversion depends on where in a buying cycle people are at.
• because you are focusing the product on a very narrow and extremely targeted set of people, it is unlikely to convert
• and then there is the issue of traffic - how much QUALITY traffic are you getting?
• lastly, what about advertising? Have you presold your product? Do you have a targeted list of potential buyers?

I have a friend who is an investment banker who although agrees the money is good, admits its like being in a pressure cooker and sometimes means working long and unsociable hours. I don't know about you, but even money may not entice someone into doing something that involves a lot of overtime or makes you feel like your in a boiler room.

unless you have someone that ticks all the boxes of an ideal candidate to be an investment banker who has all the credentials AND has the burning desire to BE an investment banker, you are going to have a hard time selling your product. But this is NOT a criticism of your product at all.

Like I said, i am no expert, but these were the things that immediately came to mind. I hope that helps.

Hi,

I would start by removing everything above this line

Finally... A fool-proof way to get hired as a highly-paid investment banker revealed.

Then Make the above line your Headline....

Then check it out

The rest needs a serious rethink

Try a sqz page and give chater 1 away

Then follow up on that

Feel free to contact me if you need help
swdcomputers@gmail.com

Brian

Hey, I know it's been 6 months or so, but here is my take:

• I'm not a fan of the long Landing Page concept, I think today's user is less patient

• I would use video as a substitute

• Make sure your Search Keywords are better targeted, this is often an issue with lack of conversion

• Look at the messaging, this is subjective, but for me your copy is selling too high without the validity, discuss the benefits vs risks of going into investment banking without your product.

• Try google's Website Optimizer for Multi-variet testing on new pieces to see what works best.

Hope this helps!

I am a new warrior member but an experienced copywriter and after buying a few WSO, I have noticed there are some wonderfully written sales letters here (hey it sold me right). I would suggest for you to print out a number of them and study how they crafted their sales letters. This would be your very own swipe file. After studying a handful you would be able to figure out how to improve your sales letter and offer.

All, thanks A LOT for the very insightful advice here!!

Key take-aways so far:
- Get new copy written (any recommendations?)
- Add video, possibly in-person (would need to get an actor, any recommendations?)
- Split test

Would be very, very interesting to see the results...

I think one of the problems is
that there's a kind of dissonance
in the copy.

By that I mean that you're selling
to would-be bankers using a writing
style that is aimed at Internet
marketing types.

For sure, an easy going, vernacular
style will out-sell a stuffy sales
page, or one packed with Flash
graphics and banners, but this
page could almost have been
written by two people, a banker
and a street-smart hustler.

I guess my second query would
be where is your traffic coming
from?

I wonder if some carefully targeted
Facebook campaign might work
for this interest group?

Stephen

AK2000: alright here are a few glaring problems I see with this...

1. You are targeting a relatively small market, imo. To really be a qualified prospect for this product you need to be a graduate of an MBA program?... and be just starting your career, correct? So, my question is, where are you getting traffic that falls into that category?

If all you are attracting is general "job seeker" traffic I don't see this offer working.

2. You don't make the case that this is what it takes to land one of these coveted jobs, I'm afraid. It seems like you're saying if an applicant knows how to answer a few
'trick' questions, they'll likely land the job. Sorry, not believable at all.

3. Your story in general does not track logically or make sense. One minute you say you were desperate to get a high paying banker job, and a paragraph later YOU are doing the interviewing??? quote: "....Actually, I became so good at it, I was able to switch sides with ease... soon interviewers were actually qualifying themselves to me."
"But, I was working undercover..." ???? (For the reader this becomes a mystery not worth figuring out.)

4. You say you helped 243 people get 'dream jobs' yet you have only 3 testimonials, all are inauthentic anyways. Wheres the PROOF?

5. There are definitely English language issues with the copy. You really need a native speaker to go over all the copy to correct grammar etc. (but this alone still won't help 'til you rewrite the copy)

6. The bonuses seem like a bunch of stuff just thrown in to try and beef it up. IE: why do these graduates need a book on 'Time Management For College Students'????? All the logos on top of page do nothing but add to the 'non-believability' of the offer.

Honestly, I think this is probably a very tiny market which may not be worth going after.

I apologize if this sounds negative, but this is how i see it.
_____
Bruce

I'm not critiquing on his squeeze page, but just commenting on how helpful the replies are. I for one have learned a few things from them

There's a way to get an instant bump in your conversions with hardly little effort at all.

I know, because I've used it myself to increase a subscriber one time only special offer sales conversion rate from 1% to 3% while more than doubling the price and hence the profit margins, epc and lifetime customer value simultaneously.

Your problem as I see it now:

Right now, after they have taken the first action on the page leading to this salespage,

they have already indicated interest in something related and have just subscribed to receive it.

The problem is, as soon as they reach your offer here on the page we're discussing now,

they have just taken the action you asked them to take and are now waiting to receive the offer you promised them earlier.

The reason it's a problem is because the first words they see,

are "Go check your email".


So guess where they are going to go?

I'll give you a hint (as you've already seen from the page's current performance):

*They're not going to scroll down and click your order button for this offer
when you just told them to go to their inbox to get the first one.

Do you see this?

I hope so.

Many, many, many clients have made this mistake before coming to me to help them increase their conversions.

When I asked them why they had the call-to-action right there at the top,

they just always thought that was how to do it.

And it's not!

So then the question becomes, if telling them to leave this offer (which is in essence what's happening when you tell them to go to their email)
isn't working,

then what does work?

You need to have a perfect "Transition".

It truly is that important.

This transition must:

1. Confirm they have successfully completed the first action
2. Assure your new subscriber their first download is being sent
3. Fluidly resolve the issue of the first download altogether while leading them
to read on about the current offer
4. Give them a reason to read the offer right now instead of going to their inbox
5. Do the first 4 steps above without *any* confusion as to what is happening

The transition I developed a few years ago for my own offer as I had originally created it for, has resulted in more sales for my clients and myself to the happy tune
of nearly always more than double sales conversions.

Here is what salescopy that "does" all those "5 must-needed elements for the perfect transition" we touched on earlier looks like:

“Congratulations! You've successfully subscribed to receive your Investment Banker Interview Report and in just a few moments it will be sent to your inbox, but first,

Read every word of this extremely limited special one time only offer exclusively for you as a new subscriber Right now to discover how to finally...

Get hired as a highly paid investment banker...

“Your Headline Here...”
As you can see,

You just make a slight modification to it in order to take your new subscriber by the hand,

assure them they are now confirmed to receive their initial report they subscribed for earlier,

explain they will receive it momentarily without even needing to leave the page because it's already handled for them,

explain they need to take this next action right now and give them the reason they need to do this right now (one time only special offer),

and make it all work together as a system for leading them logically from
the first action to the next action without losing any of the excitement but
actually building upon the first into even more!

If I had some more time to devote to your offer, we could work on totally nailing it
for you,

but what I have given you here in this post has already been battle tested
and is the "main idea" of the perfect transition which has worked for me and
my clients in more than a few niches... (In fact, one even in the "Job Hunter's" niche ;-)

I hope you "see" the principle of how it works from what is in the post,
to give your current copywriter or edit yourself for testing,

but if you feel you'd be more comfortable just turning it over to me,
feel free to send me a pm so we can schedule a time to discuss it.

Based on my experience with this type of business model and this sales process,
I truly believe the "Transition" is the main solution to your current trouble-area with this one. Although we can certainly discuss other ways to strengthen your offer and increase your conversions too.

All the best!

Sincerely,
Doug Barger

I've got to agree with Jtunkelo in regards to never targeting broke people.

The advice I've given you in the previous post works to increase your sales because of the smooth transition from one process to the next,

but that is all it covers.

You'll still need to get your targeting right and there's plenty more work that needs to be done, so the "quick fix" solution I offered for the transition from
free offer to paid offer certainly isn't the end-all, be-all for your offer.

In fact, had I read you were targeting broke people in your headline, I certainly wouldn't have suggested to keep the same headline, but only am suggesting
working out the transition in the way I've given you above will almost certainly
result in more sales for you because now people won't be leaving your offer
to go check their inboxes.

How many people want to be Investment Bankers in London? Or even the UK for that matter? How many people who are on the Internet who are in the UK, and see your piece, want to be an Investment Banker?

You've unfortunately missed your target on several different points.

I think you have a massive problem with both targeted traffic and conversion.

- Rick Duris

My comment is one of no preconcieved ideas of internet marketing but of a pure end user:

1) Your opening statement is not catchy, the "Even if you are flat broke...." quote needs to be bigger. Increase your font size maybe

2) Your opening paragraph is ok. I found there was too many words outside the normal everyday conversational language, try writing the paragraph out again and paraphrase in a way that you would be talking to your neighbour who knows nothing about what you do. I would stay away from the "are you" question as many IM have used this to death. Don't be afraid to say what you would think as many others will most likely relate to it anyway

3) Your Job Interview box and the average salary data needs to be redone. I'd suggest a box template with some graphics that isn't overpowering. Get rid of that blue cheap border

4) The secrets and methods need to be released. Tell your customer what is actually is. No one these days especially me wants to buy something that you can't see ie would you buy a cake from a shop if you couldn't see through the packaging?

5) Your money back guarantee and bonus boxes needs some love. Spice it up with a nice box with no overpowering graphics etc There's just too much whitespace. Remember - customers buy products not just for what it is but how the packaging looks.

6) Your end paragraph outlining the price values - needs work. I don't want to sound offensive but it looks really cheap how it is presented. The what it is worth values should have a strike going through it.

- have a look at how other top google ranking sales pages are looking and compare it to yours. I reviewed your page by comparing it to two others that I was already looking at before I came across your post. Its a good start, bravo for at least taking the steps to doing something.

- Heres a cheeky tip that I have started to do, looking at the other two sites in my browser, I was taking down notes on how their written material flowed. The fonts are instrumental as well - just like an cello is in an orchestra. Do some research and paraphrase what you have. I don't think it will take you long.

me: have you been split testing your sales letter?
you: no.

end of conversation.

Thank you SO much everyone for the great ideas, critique and advice

There is a host of excellent suggestions I am looking to implement, just to list some of them in no particular order:

- improve transition/continuity on the current sales page
- add video sales page
- improve graphics (more arrows, etc)
- split test all of the above of course
- think at some point i'l get the whole sales letter rewritten
- improve testimonials
- reveal more of the methods in the course
- broaden the target market (this is stuff that could apply to a wider job-seeker base)
- etc, etc, etc...

sorry.... someone needs to give you guys a dose of reality here.... all these ideas dont mean jack sh!t.

we aren't in the idea business. we are in the response business.

Do you know which ideas here are going to work? no

Do you know which ones might lower your conversion? no

So what you're probably gonna do is take all these ideas, start fixing stuff on your site and then have no clue what worked or what didn't.

You gotta test.

You're not so you have no clue whats already working and whats not.

And you won't have any clue what you put on the page that works, and what didnt.

Point is you're doing this backwards, costing yourself not only a TON of money, but you're wasting valuable time.

Dave,

I think that the ideas given by everyone is recommended with the intention to create a test page. Without creating another template without some if not all of the above suggestions - you have nothing to test against.. have you.


So the suggestions don't mean jack shyte as you eloquently described it. The reality check is that even though you are correct about testing, this guy obviously doesn't know much about testing hence all the corrections noted above which can be used to create another salespage to test against.

First impression is that it's a credibility issue. I agree with some of the other posts that it's obvious that English isn't your native language. People may mistake the lack of "correct" verbiage as limited grammar skills which will lower your credibility.

Nothing to do with copy, just a suggestion, I think that your market is too narrow. I've been in the financial services industry for 35 years and I have never talked to an investment banker that told me they always wanted to be an investment banker. If you opened your target market up to job hunters in general instead of just investment banking you might get better results. If you've got a products that can help someone get a job in this economy, why limit it to just Investment Banking. And, as Davemiz says you have to test and test some more.

My Friend,

You are offering a few great products....

You have some great possible headlines in your existing text.

The style of writing does not do justice to the offer.

Your headline is not a benefit?

The top of the site is too busy and distracting.

Your target market wants to be HIGHLY PAID IVESTMENT BANKERS

the product will get the hired....

That makes it a product of massive value

However this page does not convey that message.

It rambles on .... an on .... an on

You need to logically take them to the buy now button

Sales letters must convert to sales even if it is 1% to 3%.

But Convert it must? If Not have it rewritten.

You have my contact details .... if you want to get this moving along.

Your product is good ... it has to be you have a massive success record!

Make it work for you....

Brian

The page is too loooong.. It just goes on and on and on.. The massive amount of information should be better structured..

Thanks again everyone for the great insights

Following the suggestions of some Warriors here I've created a video sales letter based on Ryan Deiss's Video Sales Letter product

Have a look and let me know what you think...and don't be too scared by my voice!!

LISTEN to *every" word of this - Get hired now

You may want to test "exclusive presentation" instead of offer,
when going the video route.