New Sales Page - copywriting advice appreciated

The first impression is insecurity. Things like 'Discover.........', more than one header graphic, and so on.

The second impression is over-selling to compensate. Hello, yellow highlight.

But the real thing to look at is that you seem to be trying to educate people rather than make their lives easier. Makes for very laborious reading.

My advice would be to begin with your personal story of discovery, which lead to the creation of this product. It's much easier to read and instantly more believable, and you still get to make all the points you're trying to make now.

The other thing to fix is the flow. You have three full screenfuls of stuff before the letter even starts. Lead them down a logical path, reduce the clutter, and perhaps read the letter aloud to make sure it flows well.

One more thing: your body copy is missing a lot of subheadings, that could do a lot of the heavy lifting and make life easier for scanners. Just use your 2nd and 3rd best headlines you threw out originally. If you made a bunch, you can probably recycle a lot of those as subheadings and legends below images.

I hope this helps.

It's far too busy above the fold Mike. Needs simplifying.

In it's current form, putting yourself into the mindset of your website visitors...

What are you doing to your readers emotions?

Are you making them jump through emotional hoops to get to the main thrust of your offer, a full 25% into your sales copy?

Get rid of all of the jargon and graphics, the different colors etc, none of this is aiding your marketing approach. You will find it next to impossible to convert anyone with the sales letter in it's present form. It needs some serious editing, ruthlessly so.

Well done for putting what you have together so far, I applaud the effort put in, however...

You could do a lot better if you put your mind to it.

Ask yourself these questions...

What am I trying to achieve here?

What impression do I want my visitors to have when visiting my website and offer?

What emotions do I want my readers to experience whilst looking at this page?

If you put yourself into the mindset of your target audience, change out the bait you are using to hook your visitors in, you'll find your conversions will increase as a direct positive result of your actions.

In it's present form, is this sales copy seriously going to lure the 'fish' in or will they swim on by, ignoring your offer?

If the latter, what triggers are causing them to swim on by and not to nibble at the hook you are dangling in front of their noses?

What can you do to make your bait more tasty and alluring to enable more bites?

Which emotions do you want to take advantage of?

Where do you want to lead your website visitors?

Hook up with me via email and lets see if we can help one another out.

Sea below the surface...

Hi Mike,

I was thinking about your page and there's a lot of really good stuff there.

While certain things copy-wise can be improved, the biggest challenge is the presentation and graphics.

Also: Have you thought about doing a video PowerPoint presentation instead?

I think if you took a problem-agitate-educate-solution approach combined with video, it would work better.

- Rick Duris

I just want to say a very big thank you Juho, 247Copywriter, Rick, and jukeboxhero.

I deeply appreciate each and every one of your suggestions, and have spent the past day cutting our sales page copy to the bone.

I have removed a large amount of the graphics as suggested by jukeboxhero, and have made it appeal more to the emotions of the visitors, like 247Copywriter recommended. Rick, we do intend to add a presentation just like you suggested, and I'm hoping to work on that tomorrow time permitting.

If you take a look at the "new improved" version you will now see a lot of changes have been made. However, it's still probably far from being a masterpiece; so please, please feel free to offer any more suggestions! Your help has been truly invaluable.

Again, thank you all so much!

Mike