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Would You Review My Headline Please?

by Derek_Thomas
61 replies
I'm developing a new headline for my sales page, and was hoping to get some advice from someone more experienced in writing copy than myself.

A couple of things I know for sure. (1) Copywriting is something I should always be studying and learning more about. (2) Test. Test. Test. I understand I need to read and study the masters and I understand I should test various controls to achieve the maximum ROI. I plan on doing both, but I was hoping to get your feedback to help point me in the right direction.

To give you some insight on what my sales page is about, it's basically my keyword research services. You can see my WF thread here if you need more information.

The idea is to attract both small business and Internet Marketers (affiliate marketers, niche marketers, CPA marketers, etc.). Here is what I have worked up so for...


Watch Your Online Profits EXPLODE
By Having ANY Website In ANY Niche
Rank Higher In The Search Engines

Our Keyword Research Services Will
Help You Attract More Clients, Make
More Sales, And Dominate Your Competition


I'd love to hear your feedback.

Thanks!
Derek
#headline #review
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Happy to give you one, since you helped me out recently.

    ---------------------------------------------------
    Rabid internet researcher reveals...

    "How Some Of The Most Outrageously Successfull
    Internet Marketers Pick Winning Markets Everytime...

    ...Even If They Know Zilch About It"

    ----------------------------------------------------

    As a test, change Markets with Niches and have Niche Markets in another test.

    I'll report back if any others come to mind.

    All the best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      Happy to give you one, since you helped me out recently.

      ---------------------------------------------------
      Rabid internet researcher reveals...

      "How Some Of The Most Outrageously Successfull
      Internet Marketers Pick Winning Markets Everytime...

      ...Even If They Know Zilch About It"

      ----------------------------------------------------

      As a test, change markets with niches.

      I'll report back if any others come to mind.

      All the best,
      Ewen

      There are several ideas and variations I'll be testing...thanks for adding one more to the mix. I really appreciate it!

      Derek
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    It's good. Here's what's better:

    --------------

    How to Rank Higher In The Search Engines and Watch Your Profits Explode!

    Attract More Customers... Make More Money... And Dominate the Competition

    ------------

    Why is this better?

    Remember the popular book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"?

    Same phrasing.

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      It's good. Here's what's better:

      --------------

      How to Rank Higher In The Search Engines and Watch Your Profits Explode!

      Our Keyword Research Services Help You Attract More Customers... Make More Money... And Dominate Your Competition

      ------------

      Why is this better?

      Remember the popular book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"?

      Same phrasing.

      - Rick Duris
      Very interesting little spin...thanks for the idea.

      Derek
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      • Profile picture of the author Julie M
        I vote for Rick's!

        It gets the across point quickly and effectively and I think that will do much better job of drawing prospects into the copy.
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        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
          Originally Posted by Julie M View Post

          I vote for Rick's!

          It gets the across point quickly and effectively and I think that will do much better job of drawing prospects into the copy.
          In your opinion, does it draw in both (1) small business owners, as well as (2) Internet Marketers?

          Thanks for your insight.
          Derek
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          • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
            Watch Your Online Profits EXPLODE By Having
            ANY Website In ANY Niche Rank Higher In The Search Engines

            How to Rank Higher In The Search Engines and
            Watch Your Profits Explode!

            Both variations are weak. "Rank Higher" is not specific. "Profits Explode" is just white noise these days.

            Alex
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            • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
              Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

              Watch Your Online Profits EXPLODE By Having
              ANY Website In ANY Niche Rank Higher In The Search Engines

              How to Rank Higher In The Search Engines and
              Watch Your Profits Explode!

              Both variations are weak. "Rank Higher" is not specific. "Profits Explode" is just white noise these days.

              Alex
              Do you have any "stronger" suggestions then?

              "Rank Higher" as opposed to what maybe? I can't "guarantee" #1 ranking.

              Derek
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              • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

                Do you have any "stronger" suggestions then?

                "Rank Higher" as opposed to what maybe? I can't "guarantee" #1 ranking.

                Derek
                "Rank Higher" is ambiguous. The reader doesn't know what ranking your SEO product will help him get - #1? #5? #11?

                The fact that you can't be specific speaks to the weakness of your offer: no differentiation. To the reader, your offer is no different than a thousand other SEO products.

                Alex
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                • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
                  Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                  "Rank Higher" is ambiguous. The reader doesn't know what ranking your SEO product will help him get - #1? #5? #11?

                  The fact that you can't be specific speaks to the weakness of your offer: no differentiation. To the reader, your offer is no different than a thousand other SEO products.

                  Alex
                  I think Rank Higher is fairly specific in that it is a specific benefit. And I don't see too many people pondering whether the words are ambiguous to what ranking that might be... I can't imagine a targeted visitor seriously considering whether this would help them get a #1 ranking or a #5, #11.

                  Probably better than a specific ranking would be how many minutes per day to implement the strategy or how many weeks/months to see results.

                  I'd probably go with something like that over Rick's headline.

                  That said, you have the entire deck copy to get specific. So Rick's headline could work - and I bet he would get specific somewhere in the deck copy following the headline.

                  Am I wrong Rick?

                  Cheers,
                  Stephen Dean
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                  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
                    I'm feeling for Derek.

                    He has now two headlines and their variations and progress has stalled.

                    I would love to see more headlines so he can test each one, then come back with results so we can learn...

                    ...not to have our ego's stroked.

                    Anybody else going to throw your hat in the ring?

                    All the best,
                    Ewen
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                    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                      I was thinking about your situation, Derek. And Alex IS accurate... up to to a point.

                      Yes, you could be specific and say:

                      "Get on the first page of Google in less than 48 hours--guaranteed"

                      or...

                      "Your website on the first page of Google... for the keywords you want? Yes... It's easier (and quicker) than you think"

                      But in thinking about it, being specific just isn't going to cut it today either. Why? You're in a market that's just plain crowded right now. People yelling the same thing.

                      From Eugene Schwartz:

                      "If your market is at the stage where they've heard all the claims, in all their extremes, then mere repetition or exaggeration won't work any longer. What the market needs now is a new device to make all these old claims become fresh and believable to them again. In other words, A NEW MECHANISM--a new way to making the old promise work. A different process--a fresh chance--a brand new possibility of success where only disappointment has resulted before.

                      Here the emphasis shifts from what the product does to HOW it works. Not accomplishment, but performance becomes dominant."

                      Derek, I don't know your business well enough to know what the performance-based aspect ("the HOW") would be. How do you do it?

                      Stated differently, how do you do what you do that's unique/different from your competition? Or describe it a way which is new and different.

                      - Rick Duris

                      PS: There's one other "fly in the oitment" which you need to also contend with:

                      ANYBODY can get ranked highly for a single, certain keyword in a niche or market that has little keyword competition. Savvy Internet marketers and business owners know this.

                      PPS: What's great about this, is once you've addressed my questions, you've pretty much figured out your USP.

                      PPPS: And Stephen, I know I didn't answer your question. It's not that it wasn't relevant, it's that I think unless we address "the how," we're just wordsmithing at this point.
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                      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
                        Rick,

                        Derek is supplying a keyword research service.

                        What they do or not do with them is out of his control, so
                        it's a big stretch to say his clients got great search rankings for his service...

                        ...or any performance in the search engines.

                        Derick may be making a mistake by mentioning search rankings
                        as he is now being dumped into the SEO category.

                        If possible, in what he does, is supply money keywords that
                        other methods flat out miss.

                        Now he has something to set himself apart.

                        The key will to keep his method a mystery
                        and give examples of money keywords missed
                        by common known tools.

                        I don't know if he does that, but he would
                        do well to get as close to it as possible.

                        He can hang a USP on it.

                        All the best,
                        Ewen
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                        • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                          Hi Ewen,

                          Yes. Maybe. In Derek's case, I don't know for sure. And that's why I'm asking.

                          I'm just working off the information offered.

                          In other words, as an Internet marketer, I could give a care being ranked higher or being #1 on the first page of Google for a keyword that makes no difference.

                          Ewen, you call them "money keywords." I am looking for "BUYER keywords." That does not necessarily mean longtail keywords.

                          Derek hasn't talked about any of this and it could lead it into a whole new direction for the headline/USP.

                          - Rick Duris
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                          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
                            Rick,

                            Here's his quote in the opening post...

                            "To give you some insight on what my sales page is about, it's basically my keyword research services."

                            He's not offering SEO services...it's all there to see on his sales page he tells us to look at.

                            All the best,
                            Ewen
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                            • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                              Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

                              Rick,

                              Here's his quote in the opening post...

                              "To give you some insight on what my sales page is about, it's basically my keyword research services."

                              He's not offering SEO services...it's all there to see on his sales page he tells us to look at.

                              All the best,
                              Ewen
                              1. I was reacting to his headline in his initial post. I saw his sig, clicked on it, but it is a product, so I thought he was in the process of creating his services page. I didn't see the services page link initially.

                              2. Now that I've reviewed his services page, Ewen, please tell me what you see that differentiates Derek as a keyword services provider? Because I don't see anything I haven't seen 100 times before.

                              Let me put to you in another way:

                              I work with keyword folks who specialize.

                              They constantly scrub the Internet looking for keywords in a specific market. They have had custom programs written to scour the web. There's only ONE market they specialize in.

                              Their antenna are so finely tuned to this one market, they are so experienced, they are scary silly accurate when it comes to picking BUYER keywords. So accurate, marketers pay them $10,000 a month on retainer to get access to them. They turn away business every single day.

                              Their services go way beyond Google's keyword tool, or WordTracker, or Market Samurai, or Keyword Niche Finder. Their findings are ALWAYS solid.

                              There's automation, but more importantly, A TON of tedious, detailed, manual labor. Imagine a bunch of librarians sitting behind computers all day. They literally ring a bell every time they find a buyer keyword.

                              Now I've just shared what differentiates THEM. What differentiates Derek? What's "the how?" What can he hang his hat on?

                              - Rick Duris
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                              • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                                Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

                                Now that I've reviewed his services page, Ewen, please tell me what you see that differentiates Derek as a keyword services provider? Because I don't see anything I haven't seen 100 times before.

                                Let me put to you in another way:

                                I work with keyword folks who specialize.

                                They constantly scrub the Internet looking for keywords in a specific market. They have had custom programs written to scour the web. There's only ONE market they specialize in.

                                Their antenna are so finely tuned to this one market, they are so experienced, they are scary silly accurate when it comes to picking BUYER keywords. So accurate, marketers pay them $10,000 a month on retainer to get access to them. They turn away business every single day.

                                Their services go way beyond Google's keyword tool, or WordTracker, or Market Samurai, or Keyword Niche Finder. Their findings are ALWAYS solid.

                                There's automation, but more importantly, A TON of tedious, detailed, manual labor. Imagine a bunch of librarians sitting behind computers all day.

                                Now I've just shared what differentiates THEM. What differentiates Derek? What's "the how?" What can he hang his hat on?

                                - Rick Duris
                                Hi Rick,

                                I know you were asking Ewen, but I thought it best to answer your question myself.

                                What sets this service apart? There are several things. Just a few to highlight...

                                (1) Effective Yet Affordable.
                                You mentioned the one-market-focused keyword specialists with custom programs and a $10k monthly retainer who deliver solid buying keywords. The key with those guys is when you said "their findings are ALWAYS solid". Well...so are mine.

                                The difference is that it's much more affordable than $10k. In fact, it's more affordable than any one of my top 20 direct competitors. What's more, I not only offer more for your money than does my competition, I offer better. Keep in mind, I know exactly who I'm competing against and which websites I'm ranking alongside. None of those are the types of researchers you're describing.

                                I don't have to live in your niche every single day for my antenna to be so finely tuned that I don't provide you the very best keywords available.

                                (2) Personalized Results
                                This goes much deeper than any one program, but a combination of different tools and my own proven experience. The keywords I provide are listed with all the pertinent data in a simple spreadsheet, but the real meat of my service (the actual part I was writing the headline for) is a custom report I hand write for each and every one of my clients in which I highlight the very best 3-5 keywords and then given specific and personalized action steps for them to easily achieve rankings for those phrases. The fact that this is no cookie-cutter program-generated report, but yet has a personal touch to it is one of the main reasons my service has been so successful here in the Forum. So for me there is automation, but also the "manual labor" you spoke of.

                                (3) The Social Proof
                                I've got close to 1,000 glowing reviews/testimonials on hand. I think this counts for something.

                                (4) Only The Best
                                The keywords I provide are guaranteed to be the very best in your niche. In other words, they each have a high daily search volume, a low level of competition, and buying intent.

                                (5) My Client's Time-Constraints and/or Ignorance Of The Subject

                                My clients fall into one of three categories mainly...
                                - a newbie Internet Marketer looking to get started in affiliate marketing or something similar.
                                - an experience Internet Marketer who just doesn't have the time.
                                - small business owners who want to have higher rankings in the search engines, but no idea how to get there.
                                For this particular sales page I'm targeting small-business owners, but my offer does still speak to all groups.

                                And the list really could go on. Obviously, I'm not trying to sell you my services, I'm just trying to give a little clarity on what I perceive to my USP...these are profitable, easy-ranking keywords, I offer personalized and effective advice to increase website ranking, and I have hundreds and hundreds of reviews saying "this is amazing", "these keywords work", etc.

                                Hope that gives some clarity.

                                All the best,
                                Derek
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                          • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                            Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post


                            In other words, as an Internet marketer, I could give a care being ranked higher or being #1 on the first page of Google for a keyword that makes no difference.

                            Ewen, you call them "money keywords." I am looking for "BUYER keywords." That does not necessarily mean longtail keywords.

                            Derek hasn't talked about any of this and it could lead it into a whole new direction for the headline/USP.

                            - Rick Duris
                            To clarify...

                            I ensure the keywords I provide have (1) a high Exact Match search volume, (2) an acceptable level of competition (in number of website's competing, but more importantly in the actual strength of the currently ranking top 10), and (3) commercial intent, which is determined by the particular business/niche being researched.

                            So yes these keywords will bring buying traffic to your website.


                            Derek
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                        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

                          Derick may be making a mistake by mentioning search rankings
                          as he is now being dumped into the SEO category.

                          If possible, in what he does, is supply money keywords that
                          other methods flat out miss.

                          Now he has something to set himself apart.

                          The key will to keep his method a mystery
                          and give examples of money keywords missed
                          by common known tools.

                          I don't know if he does that, but he would
                          do well to get as close to it as possible.

                          He can hang a USP on it.

                          All the best,
                          Ewen
                          True, I may be making a mistake by mentioning the rankings altogether. At this point I feel comfortable starting my testing and still using that terminology, but you may very well be correct.

                          I'll speak more to my USP in my response to another of Rick's posts.

                          Thanks,
                          Derek

                          PS - Thanks for taking the time to clarify what my service actually was in my absence. I really do appreciate you reading the sales page and offering an informed answer to my question. Thanks!
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                      • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

                        I was thinking about your situation, Derek. And Alex IS accurate... up to to a point.

                        .........

                        But in thinking about it, being specific just isn't going to cut it today either. Why? You're in a market that's just plain crowded right now. People yelling the same thing.

                        .........

                        Derek, I don't know your business well enough to know what the performance-based aspect ("the HOW") would be. How do you do it?

                        Stated differently, how do you do what you do that's unique/different from your competition? Or describe it a way which is new and different.

                        ........

                        ANYBODY can get ranked highly for a single, certain keyword in a niche or market that has little keyword competition. Savvy Internet marketers and business owners know this.

                        .......
                        Great thoughts Rick, and an exceptional quote from Eugene Schwartz (I edited the quote above to save space, but everyone should scroll back up and read post #19).

                        First of all, I'll speak to the idea of the marketplace being too crowded. I agree with this up to a point. The reason I disagree is because while there are countless SEO companies and service offerings, most of which offer some form of keyword research (almost as a side note sometimes), this is the area I specialize. I do this one thing, and I do it well.

                        BUT...

                        The importance having a HOW based USP though is very true. What I hope is that the HOW would be described in more detail throughout the rest of my copy, but you've got my wheels turning on how I might better incorporate that into my headline as well.

                        Regarding your PS, of course you're right. That's why my research specializes in keywords that (1) have a high search volume, (2) have an acceptable level of competition, and (3) have commercial intent, depending on the particular niche.

                        Thanks for your thoughts,
                        Derek
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                  • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                    Originally Posted by Stephen Dean View Post

                    I think Rank Higher is fairly specific in that it is a specific benefit. And I don't see too many people pondering whether the words are ambiguous to what ranking that might be... I can't imagine a targeted visitor seriously considering whether this would help them get a #1 ranking or a #5, #11.

                    Probably better than a specific ranking would be how many minutes per day to implement the strategy or how many weeks/months to see results.

                    I'd probably go with something like that over Rick's headline.

                    That said, you have the entire deck copy to get specific. So Rick's headline could work - and I bet he would get specific somewhere in the deck copy following the headline.

                    Am I wrong Rick?

                    Cheers,
                    Stephen Dean
                    Thanks for the perspective Stephen.

                    The minutes-a-day approach is worth considering.

                    I know it may be difficult without actually reading through my sales page in detail to determine what exactly I'm offering, but in summary here's what I do...

                    I uncover the very best keywords for my client's niche. I highlight the best 3-5 buying phrases that have a heathy high search/low competition ratio. Then I create a customized report on individualized steps they can take to improve their website's ranking for those keywords.

                    So you see, while this is an SEO service as far as a generalization goes, I don't actually do anything for the client other than provide (1) keywords and (2) instruction. The results then are completely out of my hands.

                    I say all that to repeat what I said in the beginning...

                    Taking the minutes-a-day approach may be a viable option.

                    Thanks again,
                    Derek
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                • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                  Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                  "Rank Higher" is ambiguous. The reader doesn't know what ranking your SEO product will help him get - #1? #5? #11?

                  The fact that you can't be specific speaks to the weakness of your offer: no differentiation. To the reader, your offer is no different than a thousand other SEO products.

                  Alex
                  It's not that I can't...It's that I didn't. There is a difference.

                  Derek
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            • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
              Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

              Watch Your Online Profits EXPLODE By Having
              ANY Website In ANY Niche Rank Higher In The Search Engines

              How to Rank Higher In The Search Engines and
              Watch Your Profits Explode!

              Both variations are weak. "Rank Higher" is not specific. "Profits Explode" is just white noise these days.

              Alex
              I suppose "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is weak as well. Not specific enough.

              Yeah, you're right, Alex. Nobody buys that book anymore.

              - Rick Duris
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              • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

                I suppose "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is weak as well. Not specific enough.

                Yeah, you're right, Alex. Nobody buys that book anymore.

                - Rick Duris
                You can suppose all you want Rick. I didn't comment on Schwab's headline.

                "Rank Higher" is not specific enough.

                Alex
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                • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                  Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                  You can suppose all you want Rick. I didn't comment on Schwab's headline.

                  "Rank Higher" is not specific enough.

                  Alex
                  Can you give me an example of what you're thinking is specific enough Alex?

                  Derek
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                  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                    Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

                    Can you give me an example of what you're thinking is specific enough Alex?

                    Derek
                    What rankings have you gotten for yourself? For others?

                    A testimonial headline proclaiming your typical results might work well.

                    Alex
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          • Profile picture of the author Julie M
            Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

            In your opinion, does it draw in both (1) small business owners, as well as (2) Internet Marketers?

            Thanks for your insight.
            Derek
            While I would think it would appeal to both, if they are small business owners who wind up at your page I'd have to assume they know at least a little bit about the concept/usefulness of keywords and search engine ranking.

            Also, I don't think guaranteeing a specific rank in Google is the way to go - that's way overused and I think would only be perceived as scammy. I think you'll have more credibility in the prospects eyes with Rick's approach.

            Just my opinion
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            • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
              Originally Posted by Julie M View Post

              While I would think it would appeal to both, if they are small business owners who wind up at your page I'd have to assume they know at least a little bit about the concept/usefulness of keywords and search engine ranking.

              Also, I don't think guaranteeing a specific rank in Google is the way to go - that's way overused and I think would only be perceived as scammy. I think you'll have more credibility in the prospects eyes with Rick's approach.

              Just my opinion
              I agree about Rick's approach...He's offering really solid advice.

              Interestingly though, while a majority of my clients have an vague idea about the concept/usefulness of keywords in relation to website ranking, they either (1) have no interest whatsoever in doing the research themselves, or even more common (2) have no idea how to even do the research in the first place. That's just a little perspective on who my target audience has been up to this point, and there are thousands (hundreds of thousands?) of others just like them.

              Thanks for your help,
              Derek
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  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
    The only thing that will settle this is Das Boot.

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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    How a Pimply Toad of an Adolescent With Morbid Halitosis Rocketed from #40221 in Google to #1 in 48 Hours Flat!
    Great headline Ken!

    Specifics, story, and mental imagery.

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray
    "Small Business Owners: Can This Advanced Warrior From Seattle Really Help You Make More Sales, And Dominate Your Competition?"

    Derrek Thomas Knows 72 Ways To Propel
    Any Website In Any Niche Onto The Top Pages Of Google, Bing, And Yahoo. Customers Report Their Online Profit Exploded By As Much As 32%
    Since, as Rick has suggested, the market
    is highly competitive, and saturated, maybe
    a lower key curiosity headline might enable
    you to stand out from the crowd?

    You also get to put all your benefits and
    proof in the headline, which is what 90%
    of people will remember.

    Stephen
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    First off, Derek, I am in no way trying to challenge you. The folks I mentioned have their business model. You have yours. I serve it up only as one example of what works business and marketing-wise in your profession.

    What I'm trying to do is dial-in what makes you special. Or different. Or unique. Coming from the "how" angle.

    But I do like a lot the 1000 glowing testimonials. That can be leveraged rather easily.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: I'm still noodling through your situation. Keep the info coming.
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      First off, Derek, I am in no way trying to challenge you. The folks I mentioned have their business model. You have yours. I serve it up only as one example of what works business and marketing-wise in your profession.

      What I'm trying to do is dial-in what makes you special. Or different. Or unique. Coming from the "how" angle.

      But I do like a lot the 1000 glowing testimonials. That can be leveraged rather easily.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: I'm still noodling through your situation. Keep the info coming.
      I didn't take it as you trying to challenge me in any way. I was just trying to answer your question.

      Thanks greatly for all your feedback. It's all been extremely helpful.

      Derek
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

        I didn't take it as you trying to challenge me in any way. I was just trying to answer your question.

        Thanks greatly for all your feedback. It's all been extremely helpful.

        Derek
        No worries. We'll get there. - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author wordofmouthmagic
      Thanks to Stephen Dean for pointing me to this fascinating thread.

      Another great new place to ask these sorts of questions is from Jim Stone & Mark Widawer here:
      Optimizers Club: Let us make all YOUR webpages more profitable for free.

      Among others I've had Mark himself comment, at no charge, on one of my sites. Lots of very specific, useful and varied suggestions.


      Derek, let me offer a headline:

      FACT: Most People Who Search For What You Offer Are Actually Tire-Kickers ... I Can Find You The Ones That Will Buy.

      I usually charge $5 for this work (word: I will write you a more profitable headline for $5 at Fiverr.com).

      But this one's on the house so others here can rip it apart, like they did with yours
      Signature

      -Martin Russell
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      ^
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  • Profile picture of the author Gary Pettit
    Rick, besides the great thread you have made this post become, I want to thank you for what is now my new favorite quote:

    "If your market is at the stage where they've heard all the claims, in all their extremes, then mere repetition or exaggeration won't work any longer. What the market needs now is a new device to make all these old claims become fresh and believable to them again. In other words, A NEW MECHANISM--a new way to making the old promise work. A different process--a fresh chance--a brand new possibility of success where only disappointment has resulted before.

    Here the emphasis shifts from what the product does to HOW it works. Not accomplishment, but performance becomes dominant." -- Eugene Schwartz
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Ok, I've thought about your situation a bit.

    You absolutely must leverage those testimonials. Put them in a pdf book so they can be downloaded. Maybe do a video, that just ladles the testimonials, one right after the other. You could have so much fun with this.

    They should ooze authenticity. The formatting should be ultra-professional.

    At the beginning, in your own words, you should recap the engagement saying how unique or hard or special it was... as a preamble to each testimonial.

    After the testimonial, you should 50 different ways from Sunday, make a special offer to the reader.

    Here's the angle I am headed at the present:

    ------------------

    Over 1000 Successful Business Owners, Online Marketers and Entrepreneurs agree...

    How a 23-year old anal retentive, obssessive compulsive, "high pockets" computer geek increased the sales, cashflow and profits of over 1000 business owners in 37 markets by over 25%--in their own words.

    See their testimonials and case studies now

    Introducing Derek Thomas' Elite Keyword Research Services

    Now IT'S YOUR TURN to (finally) profit online...

    ------------------

    1. Online, your biggest challenge is overcoming someone's skepticism and doubt. Address it head on in the body copy. I can tell you being seen as a "high pockets" computer geek (ala Bill Gates) is considered trustworthy.

    2. Obviously, I'm making the numbers up. As well as your overall identity. Insert what's appropriate. But make the description disarmingly real. And the numbers accurate.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: I know this can be wordsmithed better, but I'm sure others can help improve.
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    • Profile picture of the author wordofmouthmagic
      Hi Derek,

      Thanks for the thank.

      Are you already testing the headlines because I'd be interested in the results. And have you tested the first two yet and found out which one is actually better?

      My bet would be on your blue one.
      Signature

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      • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
        Originally Posted by wordofmouthmagic View Post

        Hi Derek,

        Thanks for the thank.

        Are you already testing the headlines because I'd be interested in the results. And have you tested the first two yet and found out which one is actually better?

        My bet would be on your blue one.
        Testing is soon to come. I'm still developing the rest of the sales copy.

        To be clear though, the initial was actually just one headline. I just used different font colors.

        Derek
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    • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Ok, I've thought about your situation a bit.

      You absolutely must leverage those testimonials. Put them in a pdf book so they can be downloaded. Maybe do a video, that just ladles the testimonials, one right after the other. You could have so much fun with this.

      They should ooze authenticity. The formatting should be ultra-professional.

      At the beginning, in your own words, you should recap the engagement saying how unique or hard or special it was... as a preamble to each testimonial.

      After the testimonial, you should 50 different ways from Sunday, make a special offer to the reader.

      Here's the angle I am headed at the present:

      ------------------

      Over 1000 Successful Business Owners, Online Marketers and Entrepreneurs agree...

      How a 23-year old anal retentive, obssessive compulsive, "high pockets" computer geek increased the sales, cashflow and profits of over 1000 business owners in 37 markets by over 25%--in their own words.

      See their testimonials and case studies now

      Introducing Derek Thomas' Elite Keyword Research Services

      Now IT'S YOUR TURN to (finally) profit online...

      ------------------

      1. Online, your biggest challenge is overcoming someone's skepticism and doubt. Address it head on in the body copy. I can tell you being seen as a "high pockets" computer geek (ala Bill Gates) is considered trustworthy.

      2. Obviously, I'm making the numbers up. As well as your overall identity. Insert what's appropriate. But make the description disarmingly real. And the numbers accurate.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: I know this can be wordsmithed better, but I'm sure others can help improve.

      Rick,

      Thanks for putting so much of your time into my situation. I really do appreciate that.

      I love the ideas you've given on how to best leverage the testimonials, especially the PDF book. I'm still planning exactly how I'm going to do this, but you've given me some great food for though.

      At the beginning, in your own words, you should recap the engagement saying how unique or hard or special it was... as a preamble to each testimonial.
      Did you mean at the beginning of the overall document, or before each and every testimonial?

      Also, I'm trying to figure out how best come across as a "Bill Gates" type, considering I don't consider myself a "computer geek" necessarily. But I suppose since I do pour over keyword data for hours every day, I sort of am...Something to think about.

      Thanks,
      Derek
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

        Rick,

        Thanks for putting so much of your time into my situation. I really do appreciate that.

        I love the ideas you've given on how to best leverage the testimonials, especially the PDF book. I'm still planning exactly how I'm going to do this, but you've given me some great food for though.

        Did you mean at the beginning of the overall document, or before each and every testimonial?

        Also, I'm trying to figure out how best come across as a "Bill Gates" type, considering I don't consider myself a "computer geek" necessarily. But I suppose since I do pour over keyword data for hours every day, I sort of am...Something to think about.

        Thanks,
        Derek
        I 'd have to see the testimonials to know for sure. If the testimonials are short one-liners usually, it might be better to have the offer every so often.

        If they're long, I'd want a testimonial per page and put the commentary before each of them. And then the offer after each one.

        Make sure the testimonials are detailed. You could also yellow highlight key phrases and sentences.

        Also, with so many, you may want to sort them by industry. Once I did a promotion where we put all the testimonials in a database and categorized them and made the database searchable so the testimonials were even more relevant.

        The last thing, is at the end of an engagement, You could have people fill out a results/comment card are and engineer a testimonial into each and every engagement.



        ------------

        As for the Bill Gates thing, I was just looking for an identity description that would make you approachable and trustworthy. And competent.

        I don't know you well enough to offer one.

        But I like Angel's headline approach better. Or maybe use them both.

        - Rick
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    How a 23-year old anal retentive, obssessive compulsive, "high pockets" computer geek increased the sales, cashflow and profits of over 1000 business owners in 37 markets by over 25%--in their own words.
    Good to see specifics in the headline.

    Not sure positioning him as a freak is a very good idea.

    Same with the testimonial link. They might work better on a side bar instead of on a separate page.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      Good to see specifics in the headline.

      Not sure positioning him as a freak is a very good idea.

      Same with the testimonial link. They might work better on a side bar instead of on a separate page.

      Alex
      Alex,

      Not sure if the sidebar thing would get the message across he is going for. This separate page/.pdf file loaded with testimonials, arranged in a very convincing way... is a pretty solid selling tool.

      Whenever I was working in carpet cleaning and looked into Joe Polish's material, I received several small booklets of ALL testimonials. Dan Kennedy has also talked about having a client who, upon being asked for "credibility," sent a giant box filled with testimonials.

      Also, a client of his who built sheds and put together a book of testimonials. Much like the Joe Polish example.

      Also the "Raving Fans" folder that Eric Lofholm and... damn. Can't remember the other guy. Ken Blanchard also talks about it.

      Anyway, this approach usually helps to break through in a saturated market, or especially when it comes to price resistance.

      Rick's suggestion is the equivalent of the Testimonial Booklet, but online. If you take the approach of scattering them throughout the letter/copy, it might be lost on the prospect. A lot of guys in this field have taken the same approach.

      But in the end, it comes down to testing. No harm in testing the pdf Testimonial Booklet vs. Testimonials along side bars.

      Another option would be using an exceptionally good testimonial excerpt as your headline:

      "I Still Can't Believe It - Within 48 Hours, Derek's Elite Keyword Research Services Put $XX,XXX In My Pocket - A Total Of XX% Increase In Profit!"

      Good luck,

      Angel
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        ARSuarez, Actually, if I was running the project, I'd:

        1. Do a big fat testimonial pdf AND have a link in the headline as well as a webpage. And I'd do a kick-a** video just with nothing but testimonials and fast-paced music. Starts off slow but escalates quickly. Rapid fire. One testimonial right after the other. Just slam them back to back. As real, and as fast as possible. (If the prospects wants to read, they can always click a link) You're doing it for effect. And then end with a compelling call to action.

        And I'd intersperse the best testimonials throughout the piece as well.

        2. I love your idea of using one of the testimonials as the headline! That makes the whole piece, hook and premise come to life. Magic!

        Now we're getting somewhere!

        Do you realize how few keyword research firms can compete at this level?

        I'd run with this, Derek.

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          1. Do a big fat testimonial pdf AND have a link in the headline as well as a webpage. And I'd do a kick-a** video just with nothing but testimonials and fast-paced music. Starts off slow but escalates quickly. Rapid fire. One testimonial right after the other. Just slam them back to back. As real, and as fast as possible. (If the prospects wants to read, they can always click a link) You're doing it for effect. And then end with a compelling call to action.
          Spike Swipe...

          You know what I'm talkin' about...

          : )

          B
          Signature
          Brian McLeod
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          • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
            Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

            Spike Swipe...

            You know what I'm talkin' about...

            : )

            B
            LOL We will talk, I have stories.
            Signature
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        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post


          Do you realize how few keyword research firms can compete at this level?

          I'd run with this, Derek.

          - Rick Duris
          I do love it. I'm gaining a lot of solid ideas, and just working to keep up with them all!

          When you say few keyword research firms can compete at this level, do you mean regarding the number of testimonials I have on hand?

          Thanks,
          Derek
          Signature
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Derek,

            When your response rates drop off from quoting the successes of your clients, then it's time to roll out the new method.

            The new method, as in like the **** berry in the weight loss industry.

            The one I PM'D you about.

            For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about with the **** berry,
            I'll tell you.

            Go back and re-read the quote from Rick, from Breakthrough Advertising.

            In the weight loss industry the marketrers kept on ramping up their claims for most lost in shortest time. Eventually that route had to lead to a dead end because...it ends up being "bazillion lb's lost in nano seconds"

            So in the next phase came the use of safe plants. First it was Hoodia, then **** berry.

            The plants became the new method of loosing weight.

            I sent Derek his new method.

            Kept it private so it's his "secret sauce".

            Great thread for the reasoning behind great sales pieces.

            All the best,
            Ewen
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            • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
              Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

              Derek,

              When your response rates drop off from quoting the successes of your clients, then it's time to roll out the new method.

              The new method, as in like the **** berry in the weight loss industry.

              The one I PM'D you about.

              For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about with the **** berry,
              I'll tell you.

              Go back and re-read the quote from Rick, from Breakthrough Advertising.

              In the weight loss industry the marketrers kept on ramping up their claims for most lost in shortest time. Eventually that route had to lead to a dead end because...it ends up being "bazillion lb's lost in nano seconds"

              So in the next phase came the use of safe plants. First it was Hoodia, then **** berry.

              The plants became the new method of loosing weight.

              I sent Derek his new method.

              Kept it private so it's his "secret sauce".

              Great thread for the reasoning behind great sales pieces.

              All the best,
              Ewen
              Yes Ewen, great observation.

              I think this "new method" approach is best suited for my first target audience...Internet Marketers. Reference my post just above in response to "jtunkelo".

              However, given who I'm currently working with and with the understanding there are countless others just like them, I'm pretty confident that the "results-drive" or "client-success-driven" approach is the way to go for my other target audience...small business owners.

              As I mentioned earlier, these two groups just speak a different language.

              I'm so grateful for this discussion because I feel I have some really great ideas on how to target both groups.

              Thanks,
              Derek
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              • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                Originally Posted by Derek Thomas View Post

                Yes Ewen, great observation.

                I think this "new method" approach is best suited for my first target audience...Internet Marketers. Reference my post just above in response to "jtunkelo".

                However, given who I'm currently working with and with the understanding there are countless others just like them, I'm pretty confident that the "results-drive" or "client-success-driven" approach is the way to go for my other target audience...small business owners.

                As I mentioned earlier, these two groups just speak a different language.

                I'm so grateful for this discussion because I feel I have some really great ideas on how to target both groups.

                Thanks,
                Derek
                In your market, this "new method" applies two different ways:

                1) You have a new method of delivering the results you speak of to Clients.

                But frankly, you don't necessarily need that.

                2) You can instead also describe what it is you do in a different way. I think the testimonials strategy accomplish that in spades and unless competitors lie through their teeth, they'll have a hard time replicating.

                Let's talk about a quick example, one which everybody has probably heard about: Claude Hopkins and the Schlitz Beer campaign.

                In that campaign, Claude told the story of how meticulously beer is made. The fact was at the time, all beer was made that way. But Schlitz was the first brewery to promote their manufacturing processes and it gave them an advantage.

                That's what the testimonials strategy will do for you.

                But you have to be a little more creative than just interspersing them throughout the copy. Which is why I am suggesting you turn every testimonial into a mini-case study by documenting the engagement as a preamble.

                That will give you a decisive competitive advantage, one few will be able to compete with. And even if they try, you will have first mover advantage, just like Schlitz had.

                - Rick Duris

                PS: You could even have a script developed which rotates through the testimonials in an unobtrusive way on your page.
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                • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
                  Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

                  In your market, this "new method" applies two different ways:

                  1) You have a new method of delivering the results you speak of to Clients.

                  But frankly, you don't necessarily need that.

                  2) You can instead also describe what it is you do in a different way. I think the testimonials strategy accomplish that in spades and unless competitors lie through their teeth, they'll have a hard time replicating.

                  Let's talk about a quick example, one which everybody has probably heard about: Claude Hopkins and the Schlitz Beer campaign.

                  In that campaign, Claude told the story of how meticulously beer is made. The fact was at the time, all beer was made that way. But Schlitz was the first brewery to promote their manufacturing processes and it gave them an advantage.

                  That's what the testimonials strategy will do for you.

                  But you have to be a little more creative than just interspersing them throughout the copy. Which is why I am suggesting you turn every testimonial into a mini-case study by documenting the engagement as a preamble.

                  That will give you a decisive competitive advantage, one few will be able to compete with. And even if they try, you will have first mover advantage, just like Schlitz had.

                  - Rick Duris

                  PS: You could even have a script developed which rotates through the testimonials in an unobtrusive way on your page.
                  Even though this thread was initially a review of my headline, I'm glad it has taken this direction. This approach I'm confident will pay off greatly in my promotional efforts. As I said earlier, I really appreciate all of your advice and insights.

                  This has actually gotten me really excited...ready to get working on it.

                  All the best,
                  Derek
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      • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
        Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

        Another option would be using an exceptionally good testimonial excerpt as your headline:

        "I Still Can't Believe It - Within 48 Hours, Derek's Elite Keyword Research Services Put ,XXX In My Pocket - A Total Of XX% Increase In Profit!"
        ^^ This ^^

        +1 Angel...

        Best,

        Brian
        Signature
        Brian McLeod
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

        Alex,

        Not sure if the sidebar thing would get the message across he is going for. This separate page/.pdf file loaded with testimonials, arranged in a very convincing way... is a pretty solid selling tool.

        Whenever I was working in carpet cleaning and looked into Joe Polish's material, I received several small booklets of ALL testimonials. Dan Kennedy has also talked about having a client who, upon being asked for "credibility," sent a giant box filled with testimonials.

        Also, a client of his who built sheds and put together a book of testimonials. Much like the Joe Polish example.

        Also the "Raving Fans" folder that Eric Lofholm and... damn. Can't remember the other guy. Ken Blanchard also talks about it.

        Anyway, this approach usually helps to break through in a saturated market, or especially when it comes to price resistance.

        Rick's suggestion is the equivalent of the Testimonial Booklet, but online. If you take the approach of scattering them throughout the letter/copy, it might be lost on the prospect. A lot of guys in this field have taken the same approach.

        But in the end, it comes down to testing. No harm in testing the pdf Testimonial Booklet vs. Testimonials along side bars.

        Another option would be using an exceptionally good testimonial excerpt as your headline:

        "I Still Can't Believe It - Within 48 Hours, Derek's Elite Keyword Research Services Put ,XXX In My Pocket - A Total Of XX% Increase In Profit!"

        Good luck,

        Angel
        The testimonial booklet is a proven offline technique that doesn't work well in the online world.

        Online, a side bar of testimonials or all the testimonials after the signature works better. Encouraging a reader to link elsewhere is not a good idea.

        Alex
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        • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
          Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

          The testimonial booklet is a proven offline technique that doesn't work well in the online world.

          Online, a side bar of testimonials or all the testimonials after the signature works better. Encouraging a reader to link elsewhere is not a good idea.

          Alex
          On what do you base this?

          Derek
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  • Profile picture of the author lqyromeo
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    • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
      A few quick suggestions:

      - Avoid tired, overused words such as 'explode' - the thesaurus is your best friend here

      - 'Any web site in any niche' is way too broad even though it's promising. It's too difficult to identify with. Why not just speak to 'your niche' or 'even your obscure little niche' or something that qualifies it for the actual reader?

      - Nobody buys 'services', they buy solutions and results. Even better, invent a name for your productized service that makes it easy for people to buy from you.

      - Other people already spoke to the lack of specifics; if your stuff helps rank high in Google, say it. If it works especially well on Bing, so say. If you're positive it works for ANY search engine, just say so!

      - Target the ad to someone. Sure your stuff may help anyone in the biz, but again it's so much easier for people to identify with your proposition when you're talking to SOMEONE.

      - If you have any proof positive that your stuff works, why not put a little bit of it in the headline? It's all about the numbers game in this kind of offer anyway, right?

      I hope this helps.
      Signature

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      • Profile picture of the author Derek_Thomas
        Originally Posted by jtunkelo View Post

        A few quick suggestions:

        - Avoid tired, overused words such as 'explode' - the thesaurus is your best friend here

        - 'Any web site in any niche' is way too broad even though it's promising. It's too difficult to identify with. Why not just speak to 'your niche' or 'even your obscure little niche' or something that qualifies it for the actual reader?

        - Nobody buys 'services', they buy solutions and results. Even better, invent a name for your productized service that makes it easy for people to buy from you.

        - Other people already spoke to the lack of specifics; if your stuff helps rank high in Google, say it. If it works especially well on Bing, so say. If you're positive it works for ANY search engine, just say so!

        - Target the ad to someone. Sure your stuff may help anyone in the biz, but again it's so much easier for people to identify with your proposition when you're talking to SOMEONE.

        - If you have any proof positive that your stuff works, why not put a little bit of it in the headline? It's all about the numbers game in this kind of offer anyway, right?

        I hope this helps.
        Yes, that does help greatly.

        I'm thinking more intently now about an actual "name" for my services. That idea, and your advice to speak specifically to someone, is very solid.

        My dilemma to some degree has been my services are tailored to two very unique and very different audiences, and truthfully, each need an entirely different sales page copy, design, and approach.

        On one hand I have "newbie" Internet Marketers looking to get a niche website going. On the other I have established small business owners looking to better rank in the search engines and get more clients. I have the solution for both of them, they just speak a different language you know.

        Thanks again...You've got my wheels turning.

        All the best,
        Derek
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Just one comment here. "Explode". It's been done to death. I'm surprised the whole Internet hasn't fried yet from everything exploding all over it.

    Leave the hyped cliches and go for something fresh and original. There's competition up the ying in this field - show your uniqueness from the get go.

    just sayin'..........
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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