Does this Sales Letter Have What It Takes?

7 replies
Hey Warriors!

Please give me some feedback on this web copy.

Please keep the following in mind>>>

1. Does the letter have the "slippery slide" effect? ala - Joe Sugarman

2. More testimonials will be "jammed" into the copy ... I'm waiting to hear back from some folks.

3. The graphics? Well...

Thanks for your feedback...

Phil.

www.RapidHouseSolutions.com
#letter #sales #takes
  • Profile picture of the author Collette
    1. Does the letter have the "slippery slide" effect? ala - Joe Sugarman

    No. Starting with your headline. You ask a question in your headline that you never answer in the body copy. Where are the mistakes you allude to? No doubt the answers are somewhere in your body copy, but the reader shouldn't have to hunt for them. Fulfil the promise of your headline. Make yourself a copy outline before you begin writing.

    2. More testimonials will be "jammed" into the copy ... I'm waiting to hear back from some folks.

    The testimonials are good.. The blue background is not. Apart from anything else, if the reader is color-blind, the whole thing is going to merge into grayscale and the text will be almost invisible. Just separate them. Better yet, hire a Warrior to do the design phase for you. This is a very basic page design. There are some pretty good web designers here who would probably be able to deliver a really nice-looking page, for a few hundred bucks.

    3. The graphics? Well...

    What's up with the text box borders? They don't line up. And that weird overlap line in the background? The effect is cheesy and amateurish. Also add graphic representations of your product and bonuses. Right now, I don't know if I'm getting an e-book, an mp3, a CD or DVD, or a few lines scribbled on the back of a crumpled paper towel. Tell me and show me your value proposition.


    Hope this helps.
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    • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
      You may know what your offer is but is certainly doesn't come through with your copy. I understand that you may be trying to conceal your method, but you're going to need to get down to some specifics in this letter. You can be very specific about benefits without giving away the strategy.

      I suggest you sit down and make yourself an outline. At the top of the page write this question: What Am I Trying To Accomplish?

      From there break it into pieces. The initial answer might be: sell my program. From there, you might go to: What Do People Need To Know To Even Be Interested? It's sort of a mind mapping exercise. Piece by piece you'll be able to develop a plan that gives your prospect enough information.

      Right now you're all over the place without actually being anywhere specific. You talk about being T'd off when you found out your neighbor didn't share his impending foreclosure with you. Why? I don't understand. Much of what you've written is confusing and never leads to any conclusion or point. Something I learned long ago: A confused mind always says no.

      As far as your actual writing goes, it's not bad. What you need is a logical structure or frame to build a good letter upon.

      Oh, the layout and color scheme is unappealing, IMO. Cruise over to ClickBank and spend a couple of hours looking at sales pages that are pulling. That should give you some ideas for both structure and layout. Good Luck
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Yowzers. It looks doomed right from the start. I didn't read much past your headline:

    "Do you make these mistakes when talking to your mortgage lender about your home in foreclosure?"

    And then I realized that there were no mistakes listed.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zeal4Life
    Thanks for your feedback Warriors...

    I'll tweak the Sales Copy accordingly...

    Collette: I going to go with a professional web designer to do a better job of showing the e-book that the prospects will be getting.

    Headline will be changed also.

    travelinguy and Justin: Comments well appreciated. I'll make the changes recommended and repost ... starting with a new Headline.

    Thanks gang!

    Phil
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  • Profile picture of the author AnarchyAds
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author oboi2121
      Hello Omari Taylor here,

      I don't know much when it come to homes in foreclosure, but your title could be a little be better at grabbing someones attention. Do you have an amazing story where you helped someone get out of foreclosure? You could use that story for your title.

      For example: "Discover How a 37 Year Old Mother of 4 XXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX and Avoided Foreclosure"

      Where the X's are put a description of that unique situation. She was a mother of four and what else? Just plug in your story. Remember "Stories Sale!" People like to hear stories about people beating the odds and how they did it. Just put a new title and push the one you have there now down a line.

      Also you should put a pleasant picture of yourself on your website next to your name. This lets the people visiting your website know what you look like and gains their trust. I hope these few tip are useful.

      Omari
      Signature

      Omari Taylor

      Learn How To Realistically Make $15,000 Per Month (or more) In Your Business, In Your First 90 Days With No Experience, Without Picking Up The Phone, Or Making A List Of Your Friends And Family...EVER Again**FREE** ==> http://www.InstantRoad2Riches.com

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      • Profile picture of the author Zeal4Life
        Thanks for that Omari...

        My partner, Jim, and I are talking to a couple of our testimonial folks to see what story we can "bring out" for a new headline.

        Thanks for that again.

        Funny thing is ... I have actually studied "stories in headlines" from John Carlton and a couple of other legends - dunno what I was thinkin'

        All the same, thanks again.

        Ciao!

        Originally Posted by oboi2121 View Post

        Hello Omari Taylor here,

        I don't know much when it come to homes in foreclosure, but your title could be a little be better at grabbing someones attention. Do you have an amazing story where you helped someone get out of foreclosure? You could use that story for your title.

        For example: "Discover How a 37 Year Old Mother of 4 XXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX and Avoided Foreclosure"

        Where the X's are put a description of that unique situation. She was a mother of four and what else? Just plug in your story. Remember "Stories Sale!" People like to hear stories about people beating the odds and how they did it. Just put a new title and push the one you have there now down a line.

        Also you should put a pleasant picture of yourself on your website next to your name. This lets the people visiting your website know what you look like and gains their trust. I hope these few tip are useful.

        Omari
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    • Profile picture of the author Zeal4Life
      Thanks for the feedback.

      We've actually thought of:

      1. Change the headline completely ... use a "story" headline.
      2. Give away the "mistakes" as a free download, when they trade their email addresses on the squeeze page.

      Thanks again.

      Originally Posted by AnarchyAds View Post

      made these very mistakes.



      made these very COMMON mistakes !!!





      No broken underlines



      Point out "everyone screws this up"


      Bang!



      Maybe give 3 away (The #2, #3 and #5 biggest or most common )
      for free in an ebook in exchange for the email address WITHOUT
      showing the rest of your sales letter. Put the sales letter in the ebook.
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