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Please review my sales copy.

by Luke Gregory
7 replies
Here my product, please will you check it out and see what you think, im looking to add a ''my story'' but looking for a another copywriter so if anyones intrested contact me also.

www pregnancyadvantage com
#copy #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author copycashvalve
    Where is the headline? Did you leave it out for a reason?

    It started with, "dear future parent."

    What about that makes me curious to keep reading your ad? other than being completely blind without any benefit or idea who you are and what you do.

    Need to head back to the drawing board.


    Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author MarkWidawer
    Agreed about the headline.

    Also, it's important that you put your best image forward. To that end, your first photo does not look good compressed like that. (There are several others that are stretched or compressed, too.)

    Also, be sure to use words that your customers will use. It's not good enough to speak TO your audience, you should be speaking LIKE them. So, do you really think that they'll be saying to their friends, "I've got impaired fecundity." They MIGHT instead say "I'm infertile" or more likely "I can't have a baby." or "I can't get pregnant."

    Overall, the writing is trying to evoke some emotion, but doesn't seem to do that very well. You're also missing some punctuation.

    On the bright side, the graphics are nice.

    --Mark
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    --Mark Widawer
    Want more sales page critiques, headline suggestions, and optimization ideas from hundreds of marketing experts?
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  • Profile picture of the author sodevrom
    The website does not work for me.

    *Could not locate remote server*
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Williams
    The graphics need to be re-done so that they aren't all stretched out. You need a more in-your-face headline - I barely noticed the one at the top.

    Extend the letter and elaborate a bit more if you can. Add a personal story about why you're an expert in the field.
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    High Quality Content - Articles, eBooks, and Salesletters, Oh My!
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    • Profile picture of the author copycashvalve
      Originally Posted by Kevin Williams View Post

      The graphics need to be re-done so that they aren't all stretched out. You need a more in-your-face headline - I barely noticed the one at the top.

      I found myself asking "so what" a couple times through your sales letter - you need to go through and at any point I could conceivably think that, shoot it down. Tell me why it matters.
      Kevin Is talking about all the images outside of the actual themed ones, the aspect ratios are off a little and look a little distorted.
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  • Profile picture of the author Luke Gregory
    could you qoute the certain things please?
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    Free Course: Exact Method That Gets Desperate Clients Calling Me! (Fb Client Grab)
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      1. You need a story.

      2. You need credibility of the author.

      3. You need to elaborate on the specifics of "Chinese medicine"

      Unfortunately right now, overall the piece reads like it was slapped together. I can see you're trying hard, but it really needs a boost when it comes to being compelling.

      I say that because a long time ago, I did some work for a Chinese acupuncturist and herbalist. And unbelievably, and his practice was always busy with infertile couples. He had an 80% success rate which was just amazing to me at the time.

      Maybe you could offer an interview with someone like that as a bonus?

      - Rick Duris
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