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Would you critique my ebook sales page?

by 3afash
9 replies
I'm currently writing an ebook on natural weight loss. I put the sales letter together already and would truly appreciate some advice from the seasoned warriors.


Thanks in advance

Alex
#critique #ebook #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author virginiad
    Hi, Alex

    2 things to start it off...

    1. You need something in your headline...an amazing promise, an unusual juxtaposition (ie a 500 lb couch potato who discovered how to lose weight without leaving his couch)...something to grab the reader and compel him to keep reading

    2. You need names and locations (city, state) for your testimonials, or they sound fake.

    Hope this helps.

    Virginia

    In the interest of full disclosure, I am not a "seasoned copywriter", but I am sure that the more seasoned among us will agree with me (and add to it)
    Signature

    Virginia Drew


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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Alex,

      Virginia made a good point. However, the headline idea she recommended is more of a story headline (which are very good, so I'm not discouraging its use).

      I have read a lot of copy in your market.

      Your headline doesn't have strength, but it definitely has the makings for impact.

      For example, you mention in your copy how the food is delicious and can help the prospect lose 20, 50, or 100 pounds.

      Powerful points.

      For example:

      "Clinical Experts and Physicians Agree - These Delicious, Fat-Burning Miracle Foods Can Trim Your Waistline By 20, 50, or Even 100 Pounds!"

      or...

      "How Frustrated Medical Professionals Finally Discovered The Fat-Burning Miracle Foods That Melt Away 20, 50, or Even 100 Pounds While You Eat!"

      These aren't fantastic headlines, but they catch the reader in the gut. And especially in this market, the weight-loss market, you're dealing with people who have tried diets and exercise, and can't seem to get results.

      They want to eat good tasting foods, not disgusting grub, and still lose the weight. They want to feel and look great, without having to make dramatic dietary changes.

      I would also put boxes around the testimonials, as it makes them rather confusing in the current format.

      I highly recommend you look at The Sugar Solution

      Very similar category, and also enjoying some success.

      Best,

      Angel
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      • Profile picture of the author TheOcarlsen
        First of all. And as stated above, you need a headline that is more about a benefit than a feature. Potential customers wants to know what you can DO FOR THEM, not what YOU DO

        I thought about it for a second and came up with this:

        *

        Announcing - an exciting new way to lose weight with:

        NATURAL FOODS THAT DOES ALL THE WORK FOR YOU!

        ...expect running the threadmill. But frankly, you don't need to anymore.

        *

        Maybe something to consider?

        Furthemore, when it comes to your main communication text. Well, I get sense that you have written about something you like, something you enjoy. But I am not feeling that you understand me, or are there to help me with my problems. It feels more like information than an inquiry to ME.

        ...which in many cases might be a good thing. You don't want to appear as to much of a salesman. But, you know... there's the connection thing.

        I could go into the bits and pieces of your copy, but quite frankly, I think this is something you have to figure out for yourself. What I can say however is that you should focus on the daily life, problems and EMOTIONS of the recipient, not what you think is great about your product.


        And secondly, your need more punch in your 'take action'-part. I feel like it is kind of.... "you get a satisfaction guarantee anyway, so why not try?".


        ...Which is not a reason to buy in a long line of alike products. You need some triggers. Something that forces the visitor to make a judgement and decision then and there.


        I don't want to promote anything, but there's certain products that teaches you how. :rolleyes:

        Anyway, please don't take this the wrong way. You HAVE done a good job! No doubt about that. Your copy just lacks some elements that builds a desire to buy.

        But I am sure you'll get there and wish you good luck with it
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    • Profile picture of the author drh
      Originally Posted by virginiad View Post

      Hi, Alex

      2 things to start it off...

      1. You need something in your headline...an amazing promise, an unusual juxtaposition (ie a 500 lb couch potato who discovered how to lose weight without leaving his couch)...something to grab the reader and compel him to keep reading

      2. You need names and locations (city, state) for your testimonials, or they sound fake.

      Hope this helps.

      Virginia

      In the interest of full disclosure, I am not a "seasoned copywriter", but I am sure that the more seasoned among us will agree with me (and add to it)
      Great Idea
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  • Profile picture of the author Gemmacat
    The headline sounds awkward. I'd go with "Announcing - an exciting new way to lose weight with: All-natural foods that chase the fat away! ". And I'd emphasize the fact that it's a never-before heard of way of losing weight, completely revolutionary. Names and locations are a must for testimonials. I know that I personally wouldn't trust any product otherwise.
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      Hi,

      One other thing...

      You might want to give the bonuses a little more emphasis.

      Have a graphic for each and some juicy text. Otherwise they seem to be an afterthought.

      You never know what someone might do. One of the bonuses may be just what they were looking for, and they could buy the ebook just to get the bonus.

      Remember, your space is not limited.

      It sounds like a great book

      Hope this helps

      Virginia

      PS Maybe I am blind, but I don't see the link any more. Here it is:

      http://therawtransformation.com/?page_id=119
      Signature

      Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author drh
    I was looking for sames. Nice points mentioned here.
    Thanks, ARSuarez and TheOcarlsen and Virginia
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  • Profile picture of the author drh
    @3afash Any sales you have got alex
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