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Can someone critique my writing on landing page?

by attorneydavid
9 replies
I think it's high end of mediocre, but I might be underrating myself. When I read it feels clunky. I might be week on motivating action. Any critiques would be appreciated. its Memphis Bankruptcy Lawyer helping with Chapter 7 and 13 filings | Memphis Bankruptcy and Social Security Disability Lawyer . It's my main landing page right now for ppc so it's important.
#critique #landing #page #writing
  • Profile picture of the author Dean Jackson
    I typically don't deal with anything that has to do with formal affairs like your website. I don't live in the states so I can really only give general information.

    Your page is way too formal. Nobody gives a damn about about the details of what goes on in the chapters of books your clients have never heard about, read, or care about.

    Things you say like "Bankruptcy can be a trying time and it’s difficult to describe succinctly without evaluating personal information" are just...WTF...Dumb it down!

    Why not just follow a basic salesletter format?

    You can still have a pre-head, a headline, bulletpoints etc. Most of the copy is just full of facts that nobody cares about - remember visitors only care about themselves.

    You need to focus on the prospect and tell them how you can help them in their difficult situation - not throw facts and figures and codes at them to decipher. You can get a list of good copywriting books to grasp the fundamentals at the top of this forum, or you could check out good online letters to get an idea of how you could model it.

    At the moment, you're going to waste your money on PPC. I have more to say, but I'm out of e-surfing time.

    Good luck!

    Dean
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    NEW: CRAZIEST Copywriting offer ever offered on WF
    My top student WILL make your sales go BANANAS!
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  • Profile picture of the author Topgunb
    Without Prejudice

    Rethink the enitire website page.... It does not tell me what is in it for me.

    As a visitor it does nothing for me.

    I would consider assisting you to fix this since it needs a serious Make over.

    Contact me if you want.

    Brian
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    swdcomputers@gmail.com For the best real deal in town!
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      Hi, David

      I sent you a PM.

      If you didn't receive it, let me know

      Thanks

      Virginia
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      Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author littlekid
    yes it does need a good "selling technique" to persuade a visitor to fill the form. and the scrolling down and up articles not suitable for your site. i think it would be better if you make it plain and without scrolling... i hope this critic helping...
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    • Profile picture of the author attorneydavid
      Thanks everybody. This inspired me to hire a copywriter off the copywriter directory above. Since I put the new text on the site I've had clients gushing about "what I wrote".
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      I've lost 90 pounds(160+ overall) fasting since January 2016 after failing for years on diets that just made me sick and miserable. Check out Prudently.com where I'm writing about fasting and weight loss. Get a Brandable Domain Name at Name Perfection.

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    It's average legal copy. I'd lead with a brief introductory sentence or two and then go directly into a bullet point list of the BENEFITS of filing BK...

    Hit them where they live. No more sleepless nights wondering what's gonna happen, etc. Prod the open wound a bit and then offer the soothing solution. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      Hi,

      The question is not how do your current clients see your site...it is how many new clients does it bring in?

      I would use bullets instead of so much text.

      Best of luck

      Virginia
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      Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
    Hi David,

    It's definitely very... dry. I do offer free critiques if you're interested. (see signature)
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  • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
    Don't go crazy, this can be fixed easily and inexpensively. I love the top with the call to action "HELP NOW!" and the large phone number, that STAYS!

    I love the USP "The Lawyer Who Listens" that STAYS!

    You can get away with adding only 3 components.

    1-Bullet points that explain the feature and describe the benefit.

    2-A strong call to action for the contact form.

    3- At least 1 strong testimonial on the side bar.

    DON'T go into a "salesy" sales page format.
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