please help with my new copy [update!]

Good to see you back Devin,

There is still a lot wrong with it.

To help you best, my suggestion is to first work
on the headline and opening 3 paragraphs.

This is because where you are most likely to get your reader
hooked, or click the back button.

It also gets you to laser focus on one element at a time.

Sound good?

Go to Google and type in The Total Package by Clayton Makepeace
and look up Swipe Of The Week. See the alternative health promotions there.

Then type into Google Carline Andglade Cole.
She has samples of winning headlines.

Use them as springboards for your own headlines.

Write out 50 of them and choose 3 which you think are the best.

And ban the word prevent!

This is what it takes if you have more time than money.

All the best,
Ewen

Hi Starwind.

Things to try.

1. Narrower columns (under 700 px for the main text STRONGLY recommend this)
2. More contrast in size between your headline and text. (HL = 2x text size is a good guide)
3. Try Headline without italics.
4. Use checkboxes for your first bullet list, as it invites the visitor to check them off in her head, if not on the page.
5. I wouldn't call it a "makeover".
6. If you've gone from prediabetic to fitness champion, I'd love to use a big before and after picture in the headline area.
7. You don't "take" a system. You "follow" a system. Or you take "steps".
8. I don't get the word "exclusive" in the headline.
9. Add pictures all over the place. Pictures of food you get to eat. Pictures of people being healthy. Maybe some shocking pictures of someone with their feet amputated from diabetic complications, etc.

Those are some starter tips.

However, I think this page needs more than minor tweaking.

In fact, please do the following:

1. Get out a notepad.

2. Go to clickbank and find 3 products with high gravity (over 10 anyway) that are similar to your product.

3. Look at their sales pages, and jot down everything you see them doing that you think might help your page.

4. Also just kind of stare at these pages and develop a general feel for the style.

5. Do your best to copy the layout.

6. Do your best to craft similarly compelling copy.

7. Create an entirely new sales page. Just start over basically. I'm not telling you to get rid of your current page, but just to create an entirely new one along side it.

8. Then do an A/B split test of your current page against the new one. (NOTE: I do not recommend trying to start from this page and test tiny little changes one at a time. It would take forever. you need to test entirely different versions of your page against each other, and then, once you get a page that's converting much better than your current one, you can start getting more fine-grained in your testing.

If you do this, you will dramatically improve the number of sales you make. But even this is just a start.

Jim

Hey Devin,

Ewen and Jim have slammed you with great feedback.

I'd also go ahead and...

1. Indent the first sentence of each paragraph for easier reading.

2. Fix the PS. You're telling them the price within the first 3 words. People go to the PS because they're scanning. They usually skip to the bottom. If they see your headline, then go down and see a $47 price point... They're gonna say, "Uh-oh. No."

When they go there and haven't had anything to build the value or understand the product, they're going to ditch you.

Put your biggest benefits and maybe sweeten the pot with an extra offer. A report or something. Drive them BACK to the copy. Think of your PS as another headline.

3. You really should have a stronger lead-in (the text right above the headline, usually in smaller size). For example, "Former Pre-Diabetic Reveals, For The First Time Ever..." I think I got it from Makepeace, but I really like using the lead-in for creating credibility.

There are several other things, but you are improving from the last piece I saw. Kudos.

But you really need to spend some time studying other ads in your category.

Best,

Angel

My advice at this point is to just hire a copywriter to do it. Think about the opportunity cost of all the time you've spent already...not to mention the lost conversions and opportunities from having a subpar sales page. There comes a point when you're actually losing money by not paying someone.