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My First Product/Sales Letter

by yankforlife41
30 replies
Hey!

Just put together my first sales letter, will be putting up a video soon. What do you guys think?

Rapid Giveaway Profits- The Easiest Way To Bank Giving Away FREE STUFF
#letter #product or sales
  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by yankforlife41 View Post

    Hey!

    Just put together my first sales letter, will be putting up a video soon. What do you guys think?

    Rapid Giveaway Profits- The Easiest Way To Bank Giving Away FREE STUFF

    Just scanned it for lack of time...first impression...font assault. Too much variety...you need to tone it down a couple notches.
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      Hi,

      Don't tell them that they have to work hard.

      No one in that niche wants to work hard

      It also conflicts with your header, which says it is easy.


      Virginia
      Signature

      Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author activetrader
    Originally Posted by yankforlife41 View Post

    Hey!

    Just put together my first sales letter, will be putting up a video soon. What do you guys think?

    Rapid Giveaway Profits- The Easiest Way To Bank Giving Away FREE STUFF

    Where it says "to get there foot in the door " should be their NOT there
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    Me

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  • Profile picture of the author AlexMaroko
    Based on first-look, I'd get rid of the header. Most people will read that, assume they've heard whatever you're about to tell them and exit out.

    Let the headline swipe their attention and pull them in and speaking of the headline, fix it. You have the right idea, the right appeal -- but you're not conveying it to your reader. There are NO benefits in that headline. You're talking about yourself.

    Something better would be something like, "If You Have An Extra 31 Minutes A WEEK And An Internet Connection, I'll Show You How To Put An Extra $539 In Your Pocket Using A Recently Discovered Money-Printing Formula Only The Wealthiest Online Businessmen Know About.."

    Etc...I don't know the story about your product, but that should get you on the right path.
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    Sorry if this makes too much sense.

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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
      Banned
      Just from a quick look "above the fold", you need to lose the header, some of the fonts, most or all of the exclamation points, and to tone it down considerably for many people to be willing to take it seriously, I'm afraid.

      The headline isn't good. Where does the "30 minutes" come in? That will put off a lot of people. And "you" is a much better word to use in headlines than "I".

      The "dear friend" salutation is rather unfortunate - a terribly hackneyed usage.

      Reading on a little, it's all too overpoweringly emphatic and heavy for many people to persist with, I think.

      Some of the content also seems "strangely familiar".

      Clearly it needs editing for grammar, and so on, but that's easily fixed.

      It might become more readable if you take away most of the emphasis, capital letters, repeated question marks and exclamation marks, and so on. If you stop shouting at people, they'll be much more willing to listen to you.

      It will at least be easier for copywriters here to plough through it, in order to advise you further, that way. At the moment, it's really an unphill and uninspiring struggle - sorry.
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  • Profile picture of the author OmarBriones
    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

    There's a lot of things you can do to make this sales page convert better than it is now...

    But honestly, forget about it for now!! You've got it! Now, start promoting it & see your stats, then make some tweaks.

    Some other things I would tweak are:

    "" around the headline

    Bigger order button (at least 3x as big - considering how big everything else is)

    Hire a spell & grammar editor to scan through & make corrections

    & add some more information about the bonuses you're offering (the extra stuff worth $222 - I guess it's the rest of the videos? - if that's the case, show a picture of the series, you buy this one & you get ALL these for free! yay!)

    Hope that helps!

    But like I said, start promoting it asap!!

    Rock on!

    ~Omar
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    Let' me know how I can support you...
    facebook.com/OmarBriones
    twitter.com/OmarBriones
    youtube.com/OmarBriones77

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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      Prove me wrong but I think you "borrowed" some of those subheads from the A.T.M current CB number one. I know the guy who worked his butt off to write that letter. Using them as templates for inspiration is fine. Cutting and pasting is not.

      --- Ross
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      • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
        On the plus side, it's refreshing to see somebody actually put suggestions to use right away.

        On the down side...

        Originally Posted by Ross Bowring View Post

        Prove me wrong but I think you "borrowed" some of those subheads from the A.T.M current CB number one. I know the guy who worked his butt off to write that letter. Using them as templates for inspiration is fine. Cutting and pasting is not.

        --- Ross
        Originally Posted by Jon Steel

        Your "testimonial" came from fiverr.com.

        Be very careful with that --- it can get you into a lot of trouble.

        js
        Ouch.
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  • Profile picture of the author Al Robinson
    The first thing that jumps out is that I don't have 30 minutes to read the ad. Yes I know it means the course is 30 minutes long (I guess) but don't make me think too much up front. Also, I agree with others - way too many fonts. Use 2 non-serif fonts maybe 3 at most. I recommend Tahoma for the headers and Arial or Verdana for the copy. I know the Journey Plot template still works but you might want to say how you felt when you got scammed - put some emotion into the page. Finally, show us some proof that your system works. Tested - show the results of the test. Get testimonials from people who bought the more expensive product and have them say why this offer is such a great deal. And get rid of the banners. This is going to take a lot of work to fix - but keep at it.
    Good Luck
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  • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
    I just need to read the first line and it's over.

    No one cares how YOU put $500 in YOUR pocket and they sure as hell ain't gonna stick around 30 minutes to find out.

    You need to make an eye grabbing promise of what you specifically have that will put the money in THEIR pockets (new formula, step-by-step blueprint, secret method) quickly and easily.

    Underneath that, you may have written the greatest copy ever seen but I wouldn't know because you failed to sell me on continuing.
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  • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
    The fonts... the fonts are definitely overkill... Formatting is indeed important if you want people to read and not just click away.
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  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    There's tons of things to say here, but overall... you're just yelling too loud, and not saying much. If you have something worthwhile, come out with it and tell them your story. Your actual, true story. Let the force of your story, personality and words help them make the decision, instead of you trying so hard to convince and impress. It just smacks of desperation or at best dishonesty.

    And just by the way... that headline, goodness me. Why would anyone care how YOU can put an extra $500 in your pocket. Show them how THEY can do it too, and maybe you have their attention.

    Layout wise, I'd make the main text area about 25-30% less in width. The eye just doesn't follow lines that are that long.
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  • Profile picture of the author yankforlife41
    Just updated it, what do you guys think? http://rapidgiveawayprofits.com
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      I still would take out the part about working hard.

      Also, in your headline you say that they can make $500/week...not too impressive in that niche. Your clickbank screen shot shows about $1800 in the 7 days at the top of the image (quick and dirty math...may not be completely accurate).

      Then, in your red bullets (which should not be in red), you say you make thousands of dollars a day.

      What is it...$500/week, $1800/week, or thousands/day? Be consistent, or you lose all credibility

      Don't use "dear friend" (dear frustrated marketer, dear internet marketer, etc)

      Hope this helps


      Virginia
      Signature

      Virginia Drew


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      • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
        Originally Posted by virginiad View Post


        Don't use "dear friend" (dear frustrated marketer, dear internet marketer, etc)

        Hope this helps


        Virginia
        Hey Virginia,

        Contrary to what I've seen a lot of people say recently, I still use "Dear Friend." It still works, if done properly. However, you need to immediately do one of two things:

        1) Launch into a rapport building story using A LOT of shared experience type language (which means knowing your market like the back of your hand)

        2) Have a product that allows you to be very personal or being very personal is welcomed and expected.

        For example, if he said...

        "Dear Friend,

        There I was, staring at a balance of -$200 in my bank account. I wanted to pick the computer up and throw it across the room. I almost did.

        You see, I had so much time and money thrown into making it in internet marketing... I hadn't even paid attention to where my funds were going. I was just driven. And there was my mistake.

        I had to find a way to make money. And I had to find it fast, or else I would end up filing personal bankruptcy."

        There, you actually become a friend. You have them get to know you.

        Starting something like that out with "Dear Frustrated <Insert>" or "Dear Fellow <Insert>" creates incongruity.

        However, you're spot on with your comment. Because of how he is starting out the piece, "Dear Friend" might not be a wise choice.

        This wasn't to sound aggressive or mocking, by the way. Just wanted to comment on an idea I've been seeing more and more.

        Regards,

        Angel
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        • Profile picture of the author virginiad
          Hi, Angel

          I am new at this and am always looking for other opinions.

          Personally, "dear friend", doesn't appeal to me, because he is not my friend.

          It seems insincere. I see your point, though.

          I guess you have to test it.

          Thanks

          Virginia
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          Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author yankforlife41
    Updated all that.
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  • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
    Much better than yesterday, KUDOS!
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  • Profile picture of the author theoneinventor
    That's pretty good for a first sales letter!

    Personally I think it would sound better to mention getting all 6 videos for only $47. Rather than saying buy the first video for $47 and get the rest free.

    To your success,

    Andrew
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    • Profile picture of the author Grazina Ajana Szewczyk
      The second version is so much better than the first one, but I still think most fonts are too large. It looks like a zoomed page
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      Quick and effective life and business coaching was never that much fun.
      Get the sparkle back into your life!
      I write articles, press releases, PLRs and sales letters that have a sparkle, too
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    • Profile picture of the author Hoodyy
      Originally Posted by theoneinventor View Post

      That's pretty good for a first sales letter!

      Personally I think it would sound better to mention getting all 6 videos for only $47. Rather than saying buy the first video for $47 and get the rest free.

      To your success,

      Andrew
      I disagree I think the word 'FREE' is extremely powerful in a sales copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author lennoxtran
    i like the video testimonial. maybe headline could be more specific to as how much more money you're making than the professor...

    hope that helps

    lennox
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  • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
    $5,000 in a week?

    That's better than $250,000 a year. Maybe you should just hire a good copywriter with that avalanche of money you've got falling on your head every day.

    Unless...

    Nah.
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  • Profile picture of the author Edward Floyd
    Like a few above said, I think there is a bit too much variation in the fonts. It makes it hard to read fast when the font size/colour/style keeps changing.
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  • Profile picture of the author yankforlife41
    Appreciate the replies, split testing 3 different headlines.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jon Steel
    Your "testimonial" came from fiverr.com.

    Be very careful with that --- it can get you into a lot of trouble.

    js
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    • Profile picture of the author Grazina Ajana Szewczyk
      It's hard to believe but yes, I saw the same woman giving a testimonial on another website, she was just wearing a different top.
      I have mixed feeling about that, because maybe she really buys the product and tries it before making the video, and that's OK. But if she doesn't... I mean, she says, "I bought the Rapid Giveaway Profits two weeks ago and I have to say that I've already made $448".

      And she talks about making money "providing quality content to my subscribers". Does she really make money using this program?

      I agree with other Warriors, too many exclamation marks, and the text would benefit from some gentle editing

      I quite like the copy though, the story sounds good...
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      Quick and effective life and business coaching was never that much fun.
      Get the sparkle back into your life!
      I write articles, press releases, PLRs and sales letters that have a sparkle, too
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  • Profile picture of the author Dmaind
    I think most of the parts looks OK now, only you have to get rid of your header and headline.

    These two are very important part of your sales letter. Here I am going to give you some examples about headlines. If you like, use it in your sales letter.

    "Newbie Revealed A Shocking Secret To Put $3276 Per Week Working 2 Hours A Day!"

    "Learn How A 24 Year Old Internet Marketing Newbie Banked $3276 Last Week Working Just 2 hours A Day And How You Can Too Apply This Secret Formula to Generate Floods Of Cash"

    “If You Give Me 5 Minutes Now Then I Will Show You A Secret Formula Which Has Generated $3276 Last Week Working 2 Hours A Day”
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