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To All Experienced Copywriters, Whats Missing Here?

by Thomas Michal
15 replies
I just finished designing this site but I feel there is something missing with the copy, could you give some input please.

Much appreciated

P.S. the site is in the "click here" part of my sig.
#copywriters #experienced #missing
  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    What's special about it?

    Where's the hook that convinces me to try it over the other million Clickbank products I see?

    It's not bad. It's just nothing special. Nothing that grabs my attention. Nothing, that as far as I can tell, I haven't seen before.

    -Scott
    Signature

    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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    • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
      Originally Posted by Scott Murdaugh View Post

      What's special about it?

      It's not bad. It's just nothing special. Nothing that grabs my attention. Nothing, that as far as I can tell, I haven't seen before.

      -Scott
      That's how I feel as well, I'm looking for that "something."
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Well I'm not an expert or even have a lot of experience but I learned something crucial about commands in video and the material suggests you're doing it the wrong way. Toward the end, where you say "what I want you to do", I think there is a better way to embed the command without being blatantly obvious as you were. Something to think about.

    -Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author DannyDarwin
    You forgot to include a picture of your Ferrari, the hot models who live with you in your beach villa and some good old charts showing your forever-increasing earnings.

    Other than that, it's a perfect noobie-trap. Good work.

    PS. I think you should make it a time limited offer and display a countdown, lets say 6 hours or less. You also didn't use an exit-popup, that will hurt sales. Don't leave money on the table.

    PS2. Sorry to hear that you once were laid off and homeless.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross James
      Originally Posted by DannyDarwin View Post

      You forgot to include a picture of your Ferrari, the hot models who live with you in your beach villa and some good old charts showing your forever-increasing earnings.

      Other than that, it's a perfect noobie-trap. Good work.

      PS. I think you should make it a time limited offer and display a countdown, lets say 6 hours or less. You also didn't use an exit-popup, that will hurt sales. Don't leave money on the table.

      PS2. Sorry to hear that you once were laid off and homeless.
      Your wrong 100%, you want to add more value than they initially had to put up for your product.

      What good is setting up a trap, making a quick sale to have them never come back for the next product.

      -Ross
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      • Profile picture of the author DannyDarwin
        Originally Posted by Ross James View Post

        Your wrong 100%, you want to add more value than they initially had to put up for your product.

        What good is setting up a trap, making a quick sale to have them never come back for the next product.

        -Ross
        My mistake, I forgot to put *irony* at the top of my post to make it a fool proof reading.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Also where you said, "...more than likely you've bought some of them yourself. Now if you have, I just have one question.

    How did that work out for you?

    Probably not that great if you're reading this.

    -- realize all you are doing by saying this is reinforcing that they are broke and that they failed with the last product they bought. This it putting your prospect in the wrong mindset and whenever I see a salesletter like this it raises red flags.

    You need to prime them for success not failure.

    -Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    I disagree with Scott...

    ...I think it is bad.

    I don't even know what your system is and what it does, even in a general sense.

    There's no appeal for me to keep reading, there's no story, your subheads are bland and generic, your paragraphs are too big...

    IMHO, it's a train wreck.

    If you want to sell this thing, I advise getting a professional... because I honestly don't think you've got the chops to pull this off yourself.

    I'm not trying to be an asshole here... I'm just trying to help you out.

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      I disagree with Scott...



      I'm not trying to be an asshole here... I'm just trying to help you out.

      -Daniel
      That's why I asked.

      Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    What's missing? Dude, you've forgotten the bit about how you were sleeping in the back of your car and eating dog-food...until you made the miraculous discovery that has made you millions. And you're sharing it with the world 'cause you read "The Secret" and you just want everybody to be happy and have an "abundance mindset".

    In a sentence - this is a crock. With obviously doctored screenshots of Clickbank earnings.

    I just had a Dude from this very Forum try it on with me - sending me a Screenshot of his PayPal balance showing 6 Figures. I countered with a screenshot of mine showing $288,000. It's very easy to do - with a line of javascript in your browser. I talk about it here and even give you the code - Do You Really Believe Those Clickbank Earnings*Screenshots? - Journal - Your Internets
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    • Profile picture of the author DannyDarwin
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      What's missing? Dude, you've forgotten the bit about how you were sleeping in the back of your car and eating dog-food...until you made the miraculous discovery that has made you millions. And you're sharing it with the world 'cause you read "The Secret" and you just want everybody to be happy and have an "abundance mindset".

      In a sentence - this is a crock. With obviously doctored screenshots of Clickbank earnings.

      I just had a Dude from this very Forum try it on with me - sending me a Screenshot of his PayPal balance showing 6 Figures. I countered with a screenshot of mine showing $288,000. It's very easy to do - with a line of javascript in your browser. I talk about it here and even give you the code - Do You Really Believe Those Clickbank Earnings*Screenshots? - Journal - Your Internets
      You are my new hero.

      However, I'm a bit disappointed to learn that you had to use a javascript-hack to make your Paypal balance show $288,000... but I guess you used it to take out a couple of zeros at the end. No need to brag, right? :p
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      In a sentence - this is a crock. With obviously doctored screenshots of Clickbank earnings.
      Mal,

      What's the give-away? I was looking myself and couldn't pick the inconsistencies from the stuff he's showing in the video.

      I just had a Dude from this very Forum try it on with me - sending me a Screenshot of his PayPal balance showing 6 Figures. I countered with a screenshot of mine showing $288,000. It's very easy to do - with a line of javascript in your browser. I talk about it here and even give you the code - Do You Really Believe Those Clickbank Earnings*Screenshots? - Journal - Your Internets
      I never knew you could do that... scary. I always thought you had to PhotoShop it. But you can do it right in the browser... wow.

      Makes me wonder how many guys in the IM/forex/real estate/whatever else markets doctor their screenshots like that.

      That is a ridiculously awesome post... thanks for sharing.

      -Daniel
      Signature

      Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Worner
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      What's missing? Dude, you've forgotten the bit about how you were sleeping in the back of your car and eating dog-food...until you made the miraculous discovery that has made you millions. And you're sharing it with the world 'cause you read "The Secret" and you just want everybody to be happy and have an "abundance mindset".

      In a sentence - this is a crock. With obviously doctored screenshots of Clickbank earnings.

      I just had a Dude from this very Forum try it on with me - sending me a Screenshot of his PayPal balance showing 6 Figures. I countered with a screenshot of mine showing $288,000. It's very easy to do - with a line of javascript in your browser. I talk about it here and even give you the code - Do You Really Believe Those Clickbank Earnings*Screenshots? - Journal - Your Internets
      You beat me to it, looks like I wasn't imagining it after-all.
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
    Originally Posted by Thomas Michal View Post

    I just finished designing this site but I feel there is something missing with the copy, could you give some input please.

    Much appreciated

    P.S. the site is in the "click here" part of my sig.
    I was going to answer, but the second I got bombarded by unsolicited audio, I navigated away, never to return.
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    What's missing?

    1. Authority
    2. Story
    3. Reason why
    4. USP
    5. Compelling scarcity
    6. Social proof

    In this market, you've really got to pull out the persuasion guns... and that doesn't just mean screenshots of earnings (they've become the obligatory wall paper for this jaded market.)

    And the core message doesn't compel me in the slightest... "Make $2000 for doing something one time." What's that? Robbing a bank? Mugging an old lady? Buying stocks? Building one authority site?

    And I don't believe I'll make $2000 either. It sounds dangerously close to a plucked out number from the heavens above.

    Who knows. But I do know this... if you're doing blind copy, you really need a more compelling story and reason why they should buy, and buy now.
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