Please Critique My Sales Page

It's not blatantly terrible, but I don't particularly care for it. Because I'm bored at the moment, and because you said "please" and "thank you," I'll offer some quick thoughts.

Doesn't need to be there. You're taking a tremendous amount of impact OFF your headline by having this pointless "warning" preceding it. If you're trying to manufacture scarcity, better to do that later.

Not bad, but not great. It's kind of like Tabasco hot sauce where what you're going for is Blair's Triple Insanity. Try something more like this instead:

How a Random 25 Year-Old Came Out of Nowhere with a Weird New Clickbank Formula That's Making Him a Cool 56k a Year Part-Time... And How YOU Can Duplicate His Results Step-By-Step

How this works, briefly:

1) It establishes you as a "random" guy, just like the poor random prospect stumbling on your page. It gives you "regular guy, anti-guru" cred, which you'll need since you're not positioning yourself as a guru (56k a year is way too small a sum to claim guruhood).

2) "Coming out of nowhere." Same idea as above, plus you're getting inside the prospect's head. If he's in the market to make $56k a year online, chances are he sees himself as being in financial "nowheresville." That's where you came from, and it's the place you escaped. He can, too.

3) "Weird new formula." In other words, it's NOT the same tired old Clickbank advice the other 700 guys are selling. Unless of course it IS that, in which case I couldn't ethically suggest you use this angle.

4) "56k a year part time." Self-explanatory, although I think you'd be better off breaking this down to a weekly figure. $56k a year doesn't sound like all that much, you know. I don't want you to lie, but a weekly figure would probably sound better. It's $1090 a week, by the way.

5) "YOU can duplicate," etc. Involves the prospect. Basic sales, self-explanatory.

No specificity here. It feels like fluff. As a sub-headline, it's fairly useless. Tells me nothing, establishes no connection, and builds no trust.



Oh Lord. I really don't like this greeting. You're selling me on a $56k a year income and then addressing me as "future millionaire?" Doesn't add up. You're trying to pitch two totally different markets here. The guys looking for $56k a year opportunities are not the same ones looking for "millionaire" opportunities. Which prospects are you targeting? Pick a market and stick to it.




Yes, if I'm a typical prospect, I've been at it forever, and encountering scam after scam. But you're not building trust with me here, either - because EVERY sales page includes this tired old hook, and they were all duds/scams/flops. Guess what that's leading me to conclude about yours?

Drop this and replace it with something original and useful. Such as your USP.



Yes. And wouldn't it be great if tiny musical monkeys could materialize out of my pants, too?

Drop this like the plague. "Little effort" and "work from home in pajamas" might have been top-notch stuff 10 years ago, but now days it's like purposely setting off the scam detector.

Wait, what? But you addressed me as "future millionaire" and then told me it involved "little effort" and I could do it "in my pajamas." Me am confused. It sure sounded like a get-rich-quick dealie until you told me it wasn't. And what have you accomplished now? Have you built credibility with me? Nope - quite the opposite.

Instead, you've created cognitive dissonance, confusion, and the vague feeling of something amiss in my mind. Not good. Speaking as Joe Prospect, I'm not totally sure what's wrong here, but I have the odd feeling something is rotten in the state of Denmark, so to speak.

In other words, you're telling me you can offer me absolutely nothing concrete, since your experiences are obviously biased, and every prospect in 2010 knows that testimonials can be made up (and usually are). You're trying hard here, and getting an E for effort, but I'm a good ways into the letter and the credibility meter still stands at precisely zero. Speaking as Joe Prospect, you've built no trust with me at all.

Look, this letter is long, and I'm running out of steam for a freebie critique. Let's just say the whole letter is pretty much like this, and while it's not horrible writing on the face of it, it's not really very good.

What you need is a total re-write. If you have the goods and your system is for real, then it can certainly be sold on a massive scale. This letter will not do that, though. If your product is real, then you couldn't go wrong paying up to $5k for a really good copywriter (of whom there are several here) because it would pay itself back quite fast.

But without a re-write, I doubt you'll even see $5k sales on this.

Wow.

I guess you're right.

It *never* would have occurred to me that a guy featured that prominently, right below the headline, above the fold, above the greeting...was anything *but* the product's owner.

I'll bet a lot of viewers will be in that boat.