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We are 14 new cars short of our goal

by Scott Ames
28 replies
I just got this email today. Do you think it's good or terrible? How would you improve it?


SUBJECT LINE: Update

We are 14 new cars short of our goal and we have until 11 PM tonight to make it happen. Simply said, Nissan will bonus us thousands upon thousands of dollars if we hit our number. We will lose money to sell a car today! The incentives end today and so do the deals of a lifetime. We can even do the deal over the phone, email or even online chat. No need to come in to the store. No hassle, just fantastic deals!

We are talking prices that are even less than used car prices! Thats right, new Nissans for the price of used Nissans! Furthermore, if you have a trade, we will pay you way more than we should! Credit problems will be overlooked as well.

We also must sell more Titans as well to retain our Worlds #1 ranking! 10 THOUSAND off Titans today only. Whatever your needs or wants might be, we will certainly put a smile on your face today!
#cars #goal #short
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    If it is a direct response ad to people who might be interested in buying a new car, I'd say it's horrible. I wouldn't come within ten feet of an offer that doesn't make any sense, like this one.

    This piece alone is really bad:
    We are 14 new cars short of our goal and we have until 11 PM tonight to make it happen. Simply said, Nissan will bonus us thousands upon thousands of dollars if we hit our number.
    It's of no value to the consumer that you're 14 cars short of a quota from the manufacturer. Really, what's in it for me?

    The reason why I also say it's horrible is because it's just missing so much, I hardly even knew what I was reading let alone feeling like I need to even think about buying a vehicle from you. You didn't elicit my emotions or criteria in buying a new vehicle. To me, it just made no sense.

    Best,

    Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author MichaelHiles
    Horrid. Completely company/product centric. Why should any prospect give a crap about your goal. Means nothing.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    I don't like it. It sounds like a sob story about the company, and why does the customer care? I need to buy a new car because this company is behind on its sales target? Doesn't that imply that their sales team sucks - or worse yet, their selection of cars sucks?

    It sounds desperate, and creates a vibe that is going to turn prospects off. Whoever wrote it does not understand psychology.
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  • Profile picture of the author centarec
    I agree with the rest of the guys...I do not think they will get any profit from it
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Even the subject line is terrible.

    Wonder what the click through rate is.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Having said all that, I think Scott has something up his sleeve with all this - he's added it to his sig. Something tells me we're in for a surprise twist. I think I'm going to go out on a limb and rewrite this ad real quick just for the fun of it...

    SUBJECT LINE: Celebration

    Great news! Thanks to the amazing deals you'll find every day here at XYZ Nissan, we've surpassed our sales target for the fourth year in a row. That means Nissan has shared a huge bonus with us, and we're passing it on to YOU! Come celebrate with us as we spend the evening blowing out every car on the lot at unbeatable prices. As long as you get here before 11 PM, you'll get a front row ticket to incredible savings.

    Hurry down to XYZ Nissan before the party is over. Bring your trade and we'll pay more we than we should for it, just to keep the celebration going. Bad credit? Slow credit? Until 11 PM tonight, we're not worried about it. Come on in.

    And if you're looking for a new Titan, we've got more great news - we're also the world's #1 Titan dealer. What does that mean for you? An instant $10,000 discount on any new Titan, today only, until 11 PM. No matter what you're looking for, you don't want to miss the party at XYZ Nissan, so hurry in before the savings end.
    It should be pretty obvious what I did there. Just reversed the whole premise from a crisis to a celebration, and made it all about the customer instead of the company. I'm not claiming this is a great ad, but I'm confident it would do better than what we were given originally.

    Really the ad would need to be totally re-written to do well, but I did this just for fun and to flip the whole premise upside-down. There's still something striking me as "odd" about this whole thing, though...
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    The only good thing about the ad is the REASON WHY. Some of the greatest ever promotions, including that of Gary Halbert's furniture ad, were based on a rare reason why they were making the offer.

    The problem is, the execution was terrible. The subject line, the lack of passion, the lack of customer focus. Pretty amateur.

    I'd also tie in some benefits... and specifics... instead of just making general claims about saving money.
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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      The subject line was terrible.

      But the reason why was great. And if was thinking about buying a new Nissan I'd have been on the phone in a flash.

      OK, it's written poorly, but it REAL. It's written like some car salesman is DESPERATE to sell these 14 cars.

      And it's a great hook -

      Nissan are going to throw in thousands of dollars worth of stuff.
      $10k off a Titan
      So desperate to sell them they'll sell below cost.
      Cheaper than a used Nissan.
      No problems even if you've got bad credit.

      The difference between this and a normal sale, or even the celebration sale Zentech suggested is the fact that their desperation means you can get the bargain of a lifetime.

      And of course, it has to be before 11pm to there's a huge urgency factor too.

      So yeah, not brilliantly written perhaps but if I was in the market it would have me for sure.
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  • Profile picture of the author David Maschke
    didn't halbert already do this years ago?

    http://www.thegaryhalbertletter.com/...yce_letter.htm

     If they happen to sell out all 14 vehicles, let's not call everyone who said it was a lousy email a ****weasel, ok?
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  • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
    They buried the lede.

    Here's the headline: We will lose money to sell a car today!

    If you rewrote and restructured this, it would be salvageable.
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    • Profile picture of the author Scott Ames
      To clear things up, the original was an email campaign. The email just previous to that one was this:


      Subject: Happy Holidays

      As the year draws to a close and as we have just finished celebrating Christmas, we hope your holidays have been full of joy and that you have been able to share them with those you love.

      We here at Big Joe Nissan have some amazing post-Christmas deals that we wanted to let you know about. As you watch TV and listen to the radio, you will notice that there are a lot of year end deals going on and we are no exception. Look at what we have to offer you!



      With the Holiday Cash that goes through Jan. 3rd, get up to:
      $6,250 in incentives on a 2010 Titan
      $4,750 in incentives on a 2011 Titan
      $2,500 in incentives on 2010 Altima
      $1,250 in incentives on 2011 Altima

      These are just a small sample of what you can save, record breaking incentives across the entire Nissan line through Jan. 3rd! We only have (28) 2010 models remaning and they have to go this week! Come in now, to get the best selection on these models!

      Great financing options also available even for those with less than perfect credit! Been turned down for 0% before because of credit? Now may be your chance!

      We also have a great selection of used vehicles on the ground that need a home. Whether it is a car, truck or SUV that you are looking for, we have something for you! We have 60 used cars in our inventory that need to be sold by the end of the year or be wholesaled. View used our inventory here to see the prices we have slashed for this week.

      Don't miss out on the best week of the entire year to buy a car! We will be open late this week to help you.

      Chat with us now to get information on the car you are looking for
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      Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

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      • Profile picture of the author Scott Ames
        Good thoughts so far. Only one did a re-write.

        I'll bet the car dealer didn't do one thing that could have given them a big advantage in preparing that "Update" email. Anyone guess what that is?
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        Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

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  • Profile picture of the author Marc Rodill
    Ha. The previous email really sucks, they sound just like everyone else. But that's typical. Insta-delete.

    Without rewriting it, a low-key approach, more focused on the story and with a lot less needless exclamation points would be a huge improvement.

    Plus, I like Monster's subject revision. That makes it a lot better right off the bat. At least they're going in looking for the story, the reason why.

    "Buy a car! All cars must go! No credit? No problem! Don't miss out!" I'm a commodity!
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  • Profile picture of the author David Maschke
    Hey Scott,

    I thought you were going to say you wrote the email, all cars sold out, and we should all bow down before you. There are a lot of big egos in this forum. I should have known you were not one of them. my apologies.

    I'm guessing the words they chose will trigger the spam filters.
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    • Profile picture of the author Scott Ames
      Originally Posted by David Maschke View Post

      Hey Scott,

      I thought you were going to say you wrote the email, all cars sold out, and we should all bow down before you. There are a lot of big egos in this forum. I should have known you were not one of them. my apologies.

      I'm guessing the words they chose will trigger the spam filters.

      Ha ha... that made me laugh. It was an email that was sent to me and it really didn't motivate me to do anything. All I saw in it were "we need" "we are" , "we have" "we did" . This from what is supposed to be a professional selling organization.

      They live and die by selling cars so I'm surprised they didn't engage a professional to write that copy. Perhaps they did and he/she believes it's good. Perhaps it was written by the sales manager. I should really try to find out.

      I would like to know if they reached their goal but if I ask I can't be assured of a truthful answer.

      What they should have done is provide a way to test their copy. The only call to action is to come in. How do they know if the email worked? I know it's a pain to test a one shot campaign but it would have paid off.


      PS: I do have an ego when my wife says I can.
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  • Profile picture of the author amo992
    I guess that e-mail was meant for the less cynical breed of humanity.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mbolak
    LMFAO. Subject Line: Update?

    Are you kidding me?
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  • Profile picture of the author raybanmy
    I don't understand it at all
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  • Profile picture of the author Globy
    it's not very persiative. To be honest, its like asking for a favour to reach their goal. But the real question should be "what is there for me ?", right ?
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    • Profile picture of the author Scott Ames
      26 Days later:

      Subject: Update

      Scott,
      We are 10 new cars short of our goal and we have until 11 PM tonight to make it happen. Simply said, Nissan will bonus us thousands upon thousands of dollars if we hit our number. We will lose money to sell a car today! The incentives end today and so do the deals of a lifetime. We can even do the deal over the phone, email or even online chat. No need to come in to the store. No hassle, just fantastic deals!

      We are talking prices that are even less than used car prices! Thats right, new Nissans for the price of used Nissans! Furthermore, if you have a trade, we will pay you way more than we should! Credit problems will be overlooked as well.

      We also must sell more Titans as well to retain our Worlds #1 ranking! 10 THOUSAND off Titans today only.

      Whatever your needs or wants might be, we will certainly put a smile on your face today!

      There is no question that we will hit this goal today. The question is, will you take advantage of the deals before we hit our number? Once we hit our goal, these deals go away. Past experience shows that it will be very busy, so the earlier you get us, the better your chances are!

      26 days ago they had 14 cars. Now they have 10.. so they sold 4 in that time. This copy in part says "There is no question that we will hit this goal today (10 cars) " I have lots of questions in my mind about that.
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      • Profile picture of the author Scott Ames
        I've gotten several additional emails all in the same style. I don't know why they think this would work at all but they keep pounding away at it.
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        Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

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        • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
          Originally Posted by Scott Ames View Post

          I've gotten several additional emails all in the same style. I don't know why they think this would work at all but they keep pounding away at it.
          The automobile/truck industry has it's own culture. Most of their marketing doesn't measure results, so it's a matter of what decision makers like or think works.

          Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author JasonParker
    One easy thing would be to delete the We, We, We, We, We, We... and replace them with You, You, You, You, You, You, You...

    And their reasons why are all about how they will benefit lol...

    It's just assbackwards.
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    • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
      Originally Posted by JasonParker View Post

      One easy thing would be to delete the We, We, We, We, We, We... and replace them with You, You, You, You, You, You, You...

      And their reasons why are all about how they will benefit lol...

      It's just assbackwards.
      That's exactly what I was thinking.

      All they kept talking about was what was in it for THEM if they sold the said amount of cars and not what was in it for the customer to help them meet this quota.

      With just a little tweaking, they could have gotten a killer response.

      Subject line could have done better if it was more like this:

      "I need your help..."

      "Free Vacation For The Next 14 Proud New Nissan Owners"

      Then open up talking about how you helping them will save them thousands of dollars, yada yada...

      ...and follow with the reason why they are willing to reward the awesome people who help them.

      THEN explain the quota and bonuses they will get.

      Just some ideas.

      Either way, they should fire the person who is writing those emails or reassign them to car parking duties.

      - Jason
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  • Profile picture of the author CrescentReviews
    I don't really like it. As previous posters have said..."we we we we we"...it doesn't work ever! There's very little in here to make potential customers want to buy anything or continue reading. An e-mail like this has to grab you from the Subject Line.

    "Subject Line: Update" = Bad

    I'd change it to something like:

    "Subject Line: 14 New Cars Needed to Meet Quota, Limited Time Offer"

    Next then, it seems a bit repetitive. For an e-mail ad you want it to be quick, sweet, and addictive. You don't want their heads clouded with a lot of useless information. something like this would fit the content of the e-mail:

    "Our Nissan sales are 14 new cars short of our goal, our Titan sales are falling, we MUST meet this quota by 11 PM tonight to keep our#1 world ranking! If we fail this goal we'll lose thousands of dollars, so now it's your time to buy a car with extreme price cuts. If you buy a new Nissan or Titan by 11 PM today you could save thousands of dollars!

    These deals can be completed via phone, e-mail, or even online chat! You don't even have to come to the store!"

    Less clutter, less add-on, more to the point...though I'm definitely no advertiser.
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    • Profile picture of the author sbctrls250
      Oh yeah, as everyone else has mentioned, there is no mention of the customer at all ... it really misses the mark on that one.
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  • Profile picture of the author Macksheppard
    I think people have seen so many copied, over used and tired car sales ads they are jaded and skeptical. You have to overcome skepticism and be unique. A two step approach would work best rather than try to sell cars directly from the ad.

    First - What is the goal of the email. My suggestion is to get the prospect to call and inquire.

    Second - Once they call the salesman will have a chance to speak to them personally and invite them into the store. The salesman will state a number much less than the number of available cars in the email to promote fear of loss and gain a sense of urgency from the prospect.

    The Email Concept - Ask the prospect a question, keep it short, leave a lot up to interpretation.

    Email Subject: I Can Get You a Nissan below wholesale!

    Email Body: <Name>, I don't know if you're still looking for a Nissan car or truck. If you are then you waited for the exact right time.

    You've been getting my emails on our big sale and as you know it's coming to an end tomorrow evening (thurs April 21).

    Here's where it gets really good for you <Name>. As of the time I'm writing you this email we have 14 Nissan cars (call me to see what's left because it gets less and less by the hour) and 3 Titian trucks.

    Because we are in the last day of the sale I can practically give these things away. If you've been waiting for the best deal you can possibly get on a Nissan, then right now is that time.

    <Name>, Pick up your phone and call me right now and I can tell you what inventory is left. But call first because I wouldn't want you to drive all the way here if I've sold out these special deals.

    If I'm on the floor with someone who got here before you then give your number to my secretary and stay by your phone, I will call you back within 30 minutes.

    See you soon!

    Mack
    555-555-5555 (direct line)

    P.S. Imagine what your buddies are going to say when you drive up in that new vehicle...and tell them the price you paid. Their all going to be sick!
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