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Network Marketing Niche Headline

by HassanAjmal
4 replies
Can you please tell me what you think of this headline?

"They Laughed Hysterically When The Broke Ex-Computer Technician Claimed It Was "Network Marketing"... Until He Got 6 Checks in the Mail, Generated $9,578.79 and Did It All In 35 Days..."


Is there a way to improve this?

Or what about this one...

"His Family & Friends Laughed Hysterically When The Broke Ex-Computer Technician, Claimed It Was "Network Marketing"... Until He Got 6 Checks in the Mail, Generated $9,578.79 and Did It All In 35 Days..."
#headline #marketing #network #niche
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    IMHO, it's awful.

    Try to work from scratch... instead of trying to shoehorn your headline into an "old classic".

    Why not ask the guy who did your video? I didn't think it was amazing, but it wasn't bad either... certainly passable.

    I'd give you more ideas but headlines take literally days to craft. You need to go through about 50 of 'em to get "the one"... often digging pretty deep into the copy to find "the big hook".

    -Daniel
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
      Once broke, ex computer tech reveals...

      How I Made $9,848.75 in 35 Days

      And YOU Can Too... Even If You've Never Sold Anything In Your Life
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Hassan,

      I think you're trying to accomplish too much with the headline. And as a result, it's awkward and doesn't flow. It doesn't even get the attention of the reader.

      Even for a person who hasn't seen the headline it was derived from... you can almost smell the formula.

      The reason for the success of the original "They Laughed When I Sat Down At The Piano" headline is three parts:

      1) The flow and brevity

      2) The curiosity component (he doesn't actually say he kicked ass in the headline - just "But When I Started To Play!-) This was done so they would started reading the copy to get that conclusion they were looking for.

      3) The Underdog story (which everybody knows)

      "Everyone I Trusted To Support Me Laughed When I Started Network Marketing... But When The First Check Arrived-"

      I can tell you from experience - the above actually happened to a friend of mine who got into network marketing. He faced major discouragement from everyone he expected to support him.

      ---

      See, your headline is also trying to fit two different headlines into one.

      The "Broke Technician" story and the "They Laughed" formula. It emerges a jumbled mess.

      If you want to use both, try one as a headline, the other as deck copy (2nd headline right beneath the first headline).

      Sidenote: Your headline does not need to sell the reader on the product. Like I said earlier - trying to do too much in the headline.

      Just sell them on reading the deck or the opener. And let the whole of the copy sell them on the product. You're trying to use the headline as the ONE THING - the only tool.

      Headlines are important, but they only serve to grab attention. The rest of the copy has to hold it.

      Best,

      Angel
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
        I would drop the " They Laughed ". It doesn't fit your headline.

        You could also break up your headline into a headline and subhead. Something like...
        " How A Broke Ex-Computer Technician Claimed
        It Was 'Network Marketing'... Until
        He Got 6 Checks In The Mail "

        Here's how I Made $9,578.79
        In only 35 Days


        That's a quick one. Something like that. A good book to get if you want to fit your headline into a proven formula is "Advertising Headlines That Make You Rich" by David Garfinkel.

        Take care,


        Bill Jeffels



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