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Critique my sales page please :)

by rickyou
10 replies
Hi, I have finally finished my sales page for my first product, jointly created with my friend :

bodydetoxsecret.com

Can you please comment on my attempt Thanks

Rick
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author rickyou
    Hi AnarchyAds,

    I was considering doing something like that too when I add the bonuses, I'll need to plan on it because will need to change the sales page slightly

    Thanks
    Rick
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    • Profile picture of the author Global365
      Hi Rick,

      A few graphics suggestions. Add some more padding to the table to get the text away from the edges of the page, it looks really cramped.

      The header is very weak, the text is too small and the pictures are to small to view. I would get rid of the book and pictures and do your product title in the header and maybe place the image of the book right under your main headline.

      I haven't read the copy yet, will give a read later...


      Barry
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    That "chained to the toilet" thing was a stopper for me... in
    a good way. It really got my attention.

    This is a competent letter. You'll be entering a competitive
    market though so it needs to be good.

    Here are some comments on your headline:

    Lose Up to 20 Pounds in the Next 10 Days - (good promise, but not too credible)
    Safely, Effectively and Gently (safe, gentle, works fast - short words)
    Using One of the Most Proven Body (weaseling)
    Detox Programs Available! (blah)

    Lose That Stubborn Weight, Feel Amazing and Look Younger in Less than 2 Weeks… ("you will feel great and look amazing when you take off those extra pounds - and it will happen so fast you won't believe your eyes")
    It WORKS - Or it's FREE! (ok. kind or colorless but Ok)



    I'm not going to critique the whole letter. I think
    you are 90% there. In your P.S. though you say:

    "P.S. Most body detox programs are designed to leave you feeling physically drained, sick and tired."

    - which implies that their is something malicious about
    these other plans.... which is not accurate
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  • Profile picture of the author kj95100
    Originally Posted by rickyou View Post

    Hi, I have finally finished my sales page for my first product, jointly created with my friend :

    bodydetoxsecret.com

    Can you please comment on my attempt Thanks

    Rick
    Rick, IMHO you did a great job for your first product.

    My suggestions are mainly with the formatting. I agree with Global365 on pulling the text away from the edges.

    Additionally, there seems to be a little too much white space between the paragraphs and subheads. If you can reduce the space to the distance you have between just your paragraphs, the subheads will seem less detached from the paragraphs. Try it and see if you can tell the difference.

    Perhaps a different color for the subheads will create the separation you seek without creating a "detached feel."

    I also loved the "chained to the toilet" part.

    Yes, I am sure you can tweak the copy a little to fine tune it, but I must say for a first product, you have done a great job ... I really like it!

    Hope this helps,

    Kelly
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    • Profile picture of the author ZelimirGraf
      Hi, a few friendly advices: first, put a small headline before the main one, for impact sake. Something like, bodydetox was never this simple, or something like that. Next thing, are you sure you only wish to target the folks who know something about body detox in the beginning of the sales letter? You did that with "
      Dear Friend,
      I'm betting you're here because you've heard about the benefits of body detox to lose weight, look younger and feel radiantly healthy. And you're probably wondering..."
      If you are targeting a wider audience, people with health problems or something, maybe you could write something that would explain there and now what detox does for you, what aching pain it solves, maybe something like that.

      So, the reason I wrote this post isn`t to bash your sales letter, because I think it`s pretty good, I just wanted to give you a friendly advice and maybe a few pointers, and I hope it helps.
      Best of all to you
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  • Profile picture of the author rickyou
    Hi,

    I have made some changes to the head line as well as add some more spaces at the margin to make it look not so cramp

    Thank you for the feedback and I'll try to make more changes later

    Rick
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  • Profile picture of the author Topgunb
    Your web pages look good.

    Just watched a bbc program which did a study on detox diets, and do they work.

    Watched in horror as they published the findings.

    Detox diets make no real difference.

    This may be a great selling point for your book. Just have the find
    the source to quote it.

    Great job.

    Brian
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  • Profile picture of the author rickyou
    Thank you

    Just a quick question, do you think that the headline is fine and is it too long?

    Rick
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  • Profile picture of the author Easy Cash
    A border around it would make it look a lot better and the text would stand out better.

    Looks weak with no border between the white and the blue background.

    Margin of the text should be more on the sides as well.

    Looks good otherwise........
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  • Profile picture of the author eagerbeaver24
    it definitely grabbed my attention.
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